The Cancer Chronicles | 05/16/2009 6:00 am

A Breast Cancer Patient Expresses Her True Feelings: 'This Cancer Crap Is Really Pissing Me Off'

A stage-II patient — who will be treating her cancer until February 2010 — gets impatient

By Martha Fairbairn, R.N.

Martha Fairbairn, R.N.

Editor’s note: Martha Fairbairn is a registered nurse who works in a long-term care facility. She was diagnosed with stage-II breast cancer in November 2008 and began treatment in January 2009 at Yale/New Haven Hospital. Here, she blogs about the realities of diagnosis and treatment. Do you have an experience with cancer? Share your story below or e-mail us at submit@wowOwow.com.

What have I found of value about being diagnosed with stage-II, lymph-node-positive breast cancer?

I want my old life back! I am sick to death of dragging myself through my days! It's spring, and I don't have the energy to plant a damn thing!

Hmmmm.

Well, I have an amazing group of people who say, and mean, "I love you," and who will do anything in their power to help me bear this trip that no one wants to take. I’m also reading like a madwoman. Whenever I have to rest, I read — at the rate of a book a week. That’s a luxury. And I’ve learned I’m way tougher than I ever knew I was. That’s a good thing. Cancer is not for wimps!

But here comes the part where you may want to cover your eyes. Because frankly, this cancer crap is really pissing me off. I have eight more chemo treatments. Then 35 radiation sessions. Then Herceptin through my port every three weeks until February 2010.

It’s a plan. I can do it. But I don’t want to.

I want my old life back! I am sick to death of dragging myself through my days! It’s spring, and I don’t have the energy to plant a damn thing! When I put my feet on the floor in the morning, I never know if I’m going to go back to bed by 11:00! I have sores in my nose, for God’s sake! I can’t make plans to go anywhere or do anything because I never know if I’ll be well enough when the time comes! And I’m sure my poor husband is sitting around thinking, "Now we’re partying!"

There. I feel better. And it is all about me, isn’t it?

I haven’t forgotten the part about doing this to get to the healthy, cancer-free place. Really, I haven’t. But you all know people who have been on the cancer train. Some of you have even taken the ride yourselves. If you can put a different spin on this, would you please enlighten me?

Love,

The Little Cancer Engine That Could But Doesn’t Want To

Read more about: Breast Cancer, Cancer, Chemotherapy, Health, Medicine, Nurses, Science, Stage 2 Cancer

49 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

I wish all cancer patients only the best wishes, and prayers. If only we had the answers to take away their pain.

By James the Game on 05/16/2009 9:19 am

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James just keep showing them your smiling face - it let’s the grace shine through.

By Frannie Em on 05/17/2009 7:09 pm

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That’s a beautiful sunset, Fran.

By James the Game on 05/17/2009 7:56 pm

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Thanks James, a sunset just before Christmas. It was a lucky shot. Didn’t even photo shop it.

By Frannie Em on 05/17/2009 8:07 pm

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That’s when a person’s colors come through brightest…at sunset.

By James the Game on 05/17/2009 8:15 pm

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Martha, I am soooo WITH you! Diagnosed with stage 3 Ovarian Cancer in July 2008 and have completed 6 chemo sessions. It is an insidious desease, no matter what type of cancer one has. I, too, am so tired of being tired. Interesting to note that just 8 months prior I had complete physical with nothing revealed. Then turned 65, went through a whole set of tests for new insurance and was diagnosed (same group of physicians). WOW! Shock, disbelief and numbness. Fortunately, I have a magnificant support group, and extensive prayer chain and a quirky sense of humor! James, I thank you for your kind words to Cancer survivors everywhere. Martha, Thanks for sharing! God bless you.

By Sharon R. on 05/16/2009 9:45 am

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Sharon - I am sorry that happened to you. What a journey you are on - hang in there and my heart goes out to you. Humor is the best. Rent funny movies and laugh as much as you can.

I was misdiagnosed as well which could have saved me more treatment once the big c was caught. I was concerned about something, went to my doctor - had a mammogram - they said no problem, come back in 6 months check again. yada yada yada - Got pregnant at 40, had my son (which was after cervical cancer) - then kept feeling the lump - assumed it was a cyst because the doctors had claimed it to be so didn’t bother for another mammogram until after I stopped breast feeding.

I was upset about that because I had the big c and the process of baby and breast feeding created a gap of a few years as well as other medical stuff I was attending to, before re-investigating. But then I realized that if I had gone through cancer treatment - radiation and chemo, my youngest son who is one of the great joys of my life, would not be here today.

It was strange that it turned out that way. As you know, after chemo at my age, no more babies, so in some ways it was a little miracle because I’d had a couple of miscarriages before him and had decided not to try anymore, I figured the surgery on my cervix had caused the problems I was having. I carried him full term and had a vaginal birth at 41 - boy he had a big head, my older son called him the Swedish Charlie Brown. I was lucky because the tumor had stayed local and did not go into my lymph system. So I was responsible about early detection but they missed it. That son is 16 now and I realize that with grace, the same conclusion came about as if they had caught it sooner. So far I am still here, unfortunately continue to get fatigued, but I know my friend Chrome Toe has some good ideas about how to help that.

God bless you back, grace be with you.

By Frannie Em on 05/17/2009 7:36 pm

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Welcome, Sharon. And may God Bless You. You have my prayer. Now, good days are ahead.

By James the Game on 05/17/2009 8:16 pm

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martha … you do have the strength to get thru this … and will! Being diagnosed in 2003 … there is life after cancer/treatment … and every day day you’re given during and after treatment is a gift … be good to yourself … prayers and blessings sent your way.

By darlene weisberger on 05/16/2009 9:58 am

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As a survivor (so far) my prayers are with you. Grace under fire is not an easy thing to achieve…but is remembered by those who love and support you. God be with you.

By laureen f on 05/16/2009 10:11 am

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Sorry Martha but i can’t imagine feeling any other way in your shoes! i’d be pissed and impatient to! love your piece. it’s well said. If i could take some of it away for you. make it shorter. make it easier. i would lady. power on…

By Chrome Toe on 05/16/2009 10:27 am

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Did you see the Farrah Fawcett special last night? It was wonderful. She said the same thing you did, Martha, about wanting her old life back. Strange, I have been and still am, on my own cancer-ride (roller coaster that it is) but all I could think about last night is about the "other" times in my life when I have wanted something *back.* Like when I had a miscarriage, or when my brother died, or when I made a horrible mistake I could not remedy. So I try not to stay in that space very long, it’s not good for me, and because I think that even when one looks ahead were you or I now "well" and full of energy that we would be meeting other obstacles we would be wishing away all the while, life is so full of them for everybody. Don’t think I do not hate this *tired* thing too, my legs ache, my chest hurts, my foot throbs from a drop foot injury, my hips from surgery hurt a lot with the rain today, my shoulder bones are so fragile, walking into the next room can be an effort and please, what’s this? - now I think I have to go to the dentist!?! : D haha Is there no end to this series of cosmic jokes? : ) Okay, Monday I will go see about the results from a neurological test whether my foot will ever get feeling back and I have to have a CT scan for the cancer in the next two weeks on my chest, abdomen, pelvis, etc. Going for another Zometa treatment on the first of June, and who knows what after that! So, I have just recently decided that the only way to deal with all this is to say that whenever I get a negative thought about ANYTHING that I am going to make it disappear, stop thinking that thought immediately. Is this thought making me happy? NO? Okay. Bye-bye. Which means I am off to drink some OJ and watch a movie. Let others plant this season, Martha, this is your season to read, be well, and know that others and I are with you in spirit. Don’t look ahead at all the days, just get annoyed about it today for as long as it takes, shake it off and then rest. Joy does come, and as they say, even though it tarry, wait for it - yes, with some good books and some high-quality family & friends. xo

By Eileen Alannah on 05/16/2009 1:13 pm