Forgive yourself is probably the best advice anyone could give.  Unfortunately, both my maternal grandparents and my mother had/have Alzheimers.  My grandparents were some of the most wonderful people to have ever walked the planet.  My grandma was diagnosed first.  After several years of caring for her, my grandfather had to sell his lake house on Lake Barkely and move "home".  The next step was to put her in a nursing home, where he spent every afternoon with her, then took my mom to dinner every evening to make sure she ate, as my mom was showing signs as well.  My mom started showing symptoms very early, as in her late 30’s…when I was still at home in my late teens and my brothers were 10 and 12.  So, when I left home at 17 I had been working to support my personal needs (clothing, etc), going to school, and running the household.  During my 5 yrs of pharmacy school, I worked 2 jobs, went to school full-time and came almost every weekend to check on my brothers as they had to assume my role of running the household. I believe her condition was largely due not only to genetic pre-disposition, but poor nutrition from years of bulimia/anorexia.  After some gradual decline, my grandpa had an acute break from reality.  It was heart wrenching.  Being with my grandparents as a child was my sanctuary.  When I moved to AZ after college to work at a reservation hospital, ther were the ones that drove out to visit, even though they were 70 y/o.  They came to visit TWICE.  The first time, they helped me move from my apartment in Tucson into base housing.  The second time, they came to see their first great grandchild.  My grandpa passed last summer and my grandma in Feb. I did have the blessing of an understanding work family and was able to travel quickly to IL about a week before her passing to intervene in her care in order to make her more comfortable and improve her conditions, which were deplorable.  I don’t think I’ve cried as much in my whole life put together as much as I did that week.  I had been told that my aunt, who is a retired RN and still lived in my home town, was on top of the situation, so I let it ride.  Talk about guilt!  My mother is now in an assisted living facility in MO where my brother lives.  My other brother and I contribute regularly financially for her care, as she has no resources other than SSDI and Medicaid. (she never made ANY attempt to prepare for her future, told us flat out that she expected us to provide for her).  I am a single parent working a FT job, PT job and have recently started my own home based business in hopes of eliminating the first 2. I used to get to MO at least once a quarter to pitch in with "mom chores", but that is getting increasingly difficult.  Without getting into detail, let’s just say my brothers and I sort of got parents of the donor and incubator sort.  On of our favorite jokes is that our family was so screwed up that our baby brother had to go out and marry a shrink…then she divorced him.  The other one, is we tell tell our MO brother that he was the favored child, so he’s stuck with mom.  We of course joke like this to deal with the guilt that we feel because we really don’t feel compelled after all those years of mistreatment to put thousands of hours into her care.  Not that MO brother does either, but he does bring her to the house once a week and takes her out to lunch every once in a while.  She still remembers how to dial the phone, so my poor brother and SIL (who is a saint BTW) endure 25-30 irate phone calls per day) from her.  I would be willing to move her to TX in order to give my brother a break.  My main concern though, at this stage in her illness, a major change may be too detrimental.  We will always make sure our parents needs are met, regardless of "our raising".  Some days we can be the best most caring children on the planet and forget the past, sometimes we can’t.   When I’m going to be spending extended periods of time with my mom I spend a lot of time in prayer asking for assistance in approaching the situation with a kind, compassionate and loving attitude.  I usually increases the time I can handle her before I’m looking for some type of alcholic beverage :-)

Very good advice. To forgive yourself. Some words from "When the Deal Goes Down" by Bob Dylan

"We eat and we drink, we feel and we think

Far down the street we stray

I laugh and I cry and I’m haunted by
Things I never meant nor wished to say
The midnight rain follows the train
We all wear the same thorny crown
Soul to soul, our shadows roll
And I’ll be with you when the deal goes down

The moon gives light and shines by night
I scarcely feel the glow
We learn to live and then we forgive
O’er the road we’re bound to go
More frailer than the flowers, these precious hours
That keep us so tightly bound
You come to my eyes like a vision from the skies
And I’ll be with you when the deal goes down…"

There is no one way to treat Alzheimers or dementia. It is frustrating and sad and frightening to see it in members of your own family. For ordinary people without significant resources it is devastating.

The caregiver needs support of friends and health workers if the family member is difficult and out of control.  

I agree with Eileen and the others that you have to forgive yourself and do what you can to survive.  Even if your family member is in a nursing home or facility of some kind you have to keep contact with them.

No one really knows what goes on in the minds of dementia victims.

My grandmother used to burst out of the front door of our home screaming, "Help, they are killing me." Thank goodness the neighbors knew about the illness. My Aunt and her husband who were childless ended up being the caretakers with no help from the older brothers and their wives.

Unfortunately that Aunt ended up with the same illness. It is the most difficult time in caring relatives lives to go through this terrible affliction.

We have to be realistic about ourselves and reach out for help from organizations dedicated to finding treatment or care for senility or alzheimers or dementia. 

Being in an age group where this condition occurs is scary. But at this moment we have to deal with the situation as it happens. Thank goodness I have no symptoms (At least I don’t think so.)

By the way my grandmother was the sweetest, kind, loving gran you could ask for until her late 80’s. A midwife and a caregiver herself most of her live. Sad.