#1.

Eight years of depression.  That covers a lot of unpleasant symptoms you didn’t mention- lack of desire, lack of interest with the family, lack of interest in work, lack of interest in doing projects around the house.  New best (female) friend, and now he’s feeling happy.  With many mentally ill people, "new love" solves a lot of problems, and makes them behave more normally, until next time.    You should be very uncomfortable about the length of the conversations and get the hell out of Dodge. 

Run, run, run away!

 #2

He’s a great husband, great earner, great father, and a tremendous liar.  Utilities keep getting cut off.  You know he lies when things get difficult, why believe in his charm?  Especially when you can only take, for example, cold showers, due to the propane being cut off.  And your credit is ruined?

Start working on the divorce, and on making your own living again.  I’d believe he’s a gambler, or whatever the addiction is du jour, because good, hard-working men, who make a really good living, don’t have their family’s electricity shut off.

If I were you, I’d withdraw the vacation money from the account, turn it into cash, put it some place where he won’t go, and use it for those desperate moments when you wonder how to feed your kids dinner.   Do call the Salvation Army and other organizations.  That’s how I feed my kids many times, despite our once very impressive income.

I sincerely regret that back, when I first started to know that my stbxh had serious problems, that I didn’t literally "sock" away some money every week.  I’d be in better financial shape now, where I worry from paycheck to paycheck.

Cheers,

Constance in the Sierra Foothills where it is hot!

Ltr #1: Run while you can.

Ltr #2:  You don’t say how long this has been going on. Although his problem may be gambling, there may be other reasons. You need to [1] find a place to move with the kids, [2] take over all the finances, and [3] give him an ultimatum that he fess up or it’s over. 

Too many women are clueless about the family finances. There’s no excuse to be in the dark.

letter number 1 - you say you went to counseling - if that did not help - run far and run fast to the nearest divorce lawyer.  If after 8 years he is all if a sudden "cured" of his depression due to this co-worker you need to get out cause there is more than friendhip there. 

letter # 2 - been there done that - he is either gambling, cheating or doing drugs and you are unaware - I am so sorry to have to be one of the people that opens your eyes.  but a man does not allow utilities to be shut off or family evicted because he forgot to pay the bill - it is because there is nothing there to pay it with.  Take off the rose colored glassed - you will probably need to get a job and a good divorce lawyer.

L #2: I agree with Margo and Maggie W.

L #1: At the very least he’s having an *emotional* affair; he got mad (guilt) when you inquired. How stupid does he think you are? Please take Margo’s advice!

#2  He’s "a wonderful person, an even better father and he’s also a tremendous liar". There is a complete disconnect between these descriptives. Habitual liars are neither wonderful people, nor wonderful fathers by definition. That is of course unless fear, stress and mistrust are acceptable by-products of such a relationship.

 I have never been in a relationship with an addict, whether it be drugs, drink, or anything else, but I have had a roommate who was a gambler. She was actually my boss and I had known her for about 12years before she came to live with me. She was making about 70K a year, no husband, one teen, and a small house. I had heard rumblings that she was a gambling addict and that after working a double shift, she would head down to the casino and gamble all night to return back to work wearing the same clothes. She lost the house, her son moved out to live with relatives and she was homeless. She moved in with me. She continued to gamble until I discovered that she had dipped into company funds and asked me to cover it because the auditors made a surprise visit and she was short money out of the 20K kept on our base. I covered it once. The second time it happened, I paid it again and I went and reported it to her boss. She had two choices. Admit she had a problem and she took the money, or be fired and charged. The company paid her salary and paid for a two month residential rehab programme.

 I would like to say she doesn’t gamble now, but I don’t really think it’s true. I believe she now travels over two hours to go to a different casino, so she won’t be seen by anyone she knows. The only positive of that is that she can only go a couple of times a week, but it is a tragedy that continues to play out, some seven years after the stint in rehab.

 For my part, I couldn’t take the deception any longer no matter how charming and how much I enjoyed her company, but for the gambling. It killed me to be around someone who was bent on self-destruction. I felt trapped in my own home by this insideous compulsion and I went out of my way to avoid her. I finally sold the house and I bought myself a smaller home and a small condo, which I rented out to her. I have left my job now and I have cut her out of my life. It is so unfortunate that a twenty year relationship had to end, but I got to the point where I realized the gambling was like a cancer and it was completely affecting the way I was living my life.

 I don’t have answers but I suggest that anyone living with an addict, particularly a gambler, realize that they and their children are going to circle the drain along side their addicted spouse and there isn’t a damn thing the addict can or will do to stop it.

LTR1 He is getting mad at you because he is doing something wrong! Sit him down and talk. Tell him to end it. Maybe he is in his mid life crisis. The grass isn’t always greener. Let him know how you feel.

LTR2 This is one time to be a spy. If you love him now is time to see if he needs an intervention.

Sorry! Gambling doesn’t even have to be the reason for this man’s irresponsibility and addiction concerning money. He cannot be trusted at all, with or without counselling, so get over the love thing, get a lawyer, and do whatever you have to do, including having your own checking account, not touching your savings, and finding a job. Remove his name from all money accounts and papers. You and your children are not protected. 

 Your long tolerance is dangerous. This man cannot be trusted. Protect yourself. If you think deep conversations will cure this guy of his addiction to overspending, lying, etc, you are wrong. Take charge of your finances. Take charge of your life!

 Any woman who gives over financial power to a spouse/companion is not protecting her welfare and interests; reclaim your responsibility. Good luck! 

#1 - Yep. All the way. He’s cheating on you EMOTIONALLY. That is even more insulting, to a certain degree.

 #2 - As a recovering "bill-hider," I can honestly say that it was never any of the addictions aforementioned that almost did our relationship in… I was simply never honest about money. From a young age, my parents literally hid how finances are taken care of. They would not explain a thing. Although my husband is the bread-winner, I am in control of the finances. It was never my "fault" that we were short from time to time, but I still felt COMPELLED to keep the problems from him anyway. I always had a way "out" — whether it was using a credit card to cover it up (and then years later have it exposed) or a weird windfall or tax return would magically save the day. To this day I still have an outstanding credit card with over $1000 on it that hubby does not know about… I used it to cover up a different credit card balance that he THOUGHT we paid off. I guess I have this weird feeling that we must squirrel away as much as possible in the checking account "just in case." Sometimes I wish he would just go digging in all of that paperwork (which is actually filed rather neatly) to uncover my scheme.

But I simply have not found a way to completely let him in on this little money-mismanagement-secret I’ve owned for years.

He knew from before we got married that I was TERRIBLE and deceitful with money, but for some crazy reason he married me anyway.

I am SOOOOOO much better with money than I used to be, but I’ve not had a completely clear conscious for decades. It does feel like an addict mentality - the shame is overwhelming.