Dear Margo | 11/26/2009 1:30 am

Dear Margo: Could Things Be Any Worse? Doubt It

Could Things Be Any Worse? Doubt It.

Dear Margo: How do I fix my life? I recently left my wife of 21 years. I’d been having a two-year affair with a married woman, and I became part of the family. I interacted with her young children and was friends with her husband, as well. She played it that we were just friends. Recently, she decided she no longer wants anything to do with me because I am in contact with my wife to discuss matters having to do with our children. Her contention was that I shouldn’t have to talk with her, and that I certainly didn’t need to be nice to her. I am devastated by the loss of this relationship, but I’m also realizing what a fool I have been.

Two questions: I am sure she is ready to go out and have another fling, so do you think I should alert her husband? And second, do you think it is possible for a marriage to recover from an affair of this magnitude, and if so, what is the first step? — Kicking Myself

Dear Kick: Forgive me, but you and your former squeeze sound like a couple of lulus. Hanging out with her family is pretty low, as was her request that you not have civil communication with your children’s mother. Or any communication! Between her demands and your shared duplicity, you are well out of her life, but your marriage may be the price you paid for getting into it. Do not inform her husband, since he would not take kindly to your, uh, privileged information and could very possibly feel justified in knocking your block off. As for trying to repair the colossal damage you’ve done to your wife, your only chance is to make a sincere mea culpa, mea crazy confession, and plead for forgiveness. — Margo, forlornly

Why Not Deep Six Daddy Dearest?

Dear Margo: My husband and I have been together nearly seven years and married a year and a half. He often tells me about how he was treated as a child by his father: beaten with a belt, made to cut the lawn with scissors and basically demeaned on a daily basis. He talks about it a lot, and I can tell it still affects him every day. The more he tells me, the harder it is for me to a) keep my mouth shut and b) visit his parents — which I rarely do now anyway. Lately I have not been so good at keeping my mouth shut, and I’ve told him he’s not obligated to have this jerk in his life. He wasn’t upset with me for saying it, but I do not want to walk down that slippery slope. When he talks about it, how can I respond in a supportive way, without badmouthing his family, which I feel could backfire on me? — Biting My Tongue … Barely, in Minnesota

Dear Bite: I suspect you’ve already badmouthed his family, so consider yourself on the record. What would be supportive, I think, and helpful is if the next time he brings up the abuse you tell him you’ve been thinking about what he’s repeatedly told you, and a positive way to put all this behind him would be to see a therapist who could help him to excise the demons and lay the unhappy past to rest. This is just a guess, but a professional might tell him it would feel mighty good to bag the visits altogether. You can suggest that you entertain his mother, alone, when it’s convenient for her … assuming he does not consider her complicit. — Margo, restoratively

***
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

Every Thursday and Friday, you can find "Dear Margo" and her latest words of wisdom on our home page at www.wowowow.com. Or better yet, click to sign up for an instant email alert that will send a message right to your in-box every time a new "Dear Margo" column is posted on wowOwow.

Click here for all "Dear Margo" columns.

Read more about: Dear Margo, Infidelity, Margo Howard, Marriage, Relationships

52 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

#1 i think there are some women who only want a guy WHEN he is in a committed relationship. some women just love the idea that they can and will get the married man, but when the guy leaves the wife or is single, the women lose interest… weird, huh?

By maggiearugal on 11/26/2009 2:29 am

e-mail alert

LW#1 is a real jerk. He needs to get a grip on the damage he caused to his marriage, own up to being a jerk, get into therapy and take serious steps to become a better person. Becoming a better person is incompatible with ratting out his "concern" that the floozie might be looking for another affair by telling her husband so just forget about that idea. Going down that road won’t help him with HIS problems. He may, at some point want to APOLOGIZE to her husband for HIS role in the affair with the wife, but that’s as far as it should go. He needs to keep the focus on improving himself, not on damaging or hurting anyone else.

For LW#2: It takes a lot of therapy to get past something this and it sounds like her husband hasn’t even started working on it. It’s going to take much more than just "bagging the visits" with his parents to address this issue. While he’s in therapy she might find it useful to attend some AlAnon meetings or CODA meetings to learn how to avoid getting drug down into his drama. This doesn’t mean abandoning him, it means learning how to support him in a healthy way.

By JCDill on 11/26/2009 2:54 am

e-mail alert

hmm - nowhere in letter #1 does the writer even suggest that he loves the wife of 21 years, so why does he want to go back. A physical affair is one thing, but an affair of the heart - well you just can’t undo that kind of hurt. LW#1 should get a life away from either woman and hopefully learn from his mistakes.

I’m totally with Margo for LW#2. The fact that the hubby mentions it often suggests that the emotional pain and suffering is deep rooted. Best of luck to the couple.

By LauriAnderson on 11/26/2009 2:56 am

e-mail alert

I agree with you, Lauri, that the writer of letter #1 hasn’t said he loves his wife nor that he feels guilty for hurting her so deeply, nor that he has apologized - he’s just out in the cold and feeling sorry for himself. I have no doubt he’d stray again if he thought he could get away with it and hope his wife closes the door firmly in his face. Once a jerk, always a jerk.

As for writer #2, her husband definitely needs to find a good counselor - even with counseling, the pain may retreat a bit, but it doesn’t go away. The biggest concern is that he doesn’t treat his children as he was treated. I dated a man who had a horribly abusive childhood - on the surface he was a sweetheart, but when I met his children I could see how damaged they were - the son, in particular, had experienced the worse of it - his spirit was broken and his father was scornful of him because he hadn’t been strong enough to "man up and take it". Our relationship turned around from wonderful to definitely hard as his old anger surfaced again and again. I was able to help his children and even his ex-wife - was so proud of the girls when they confronted their father and told him how his treatment of them had affected them and they talked about his crueiy to their brother too and how it affected him. He denied it all, of course, but the thing was, it was healing for the girls - one moved with away. Both girls had the emotional maturity of 12 year olds as he’d ruled the roost for so many years. I saw them grow - my job was done; I walked away from the relationship. I missed his family, but not him. Outside counseling is definitely a must. I had counseling for a long time having survived a childhood of emotional and sexual abuse. The scars are still there and I have to work hard on my self-esteem, but it’s a lot better than it was. Happy Thanksgiving!

By Pdrde on 11/26/2009 5:22 am

e-mail alert

LW1 - there are two reasons that I would boot my husband out of the house with no possibility of a second chance. no forgiveness ever. One is if he ever raised his hand to me, the other is is he ever lowered his knickers with another woman. Hit me or cheat on me - get out, do not pass go, do not colelct $200, and don’t even bother apologizing. You made your bed, you get to lie in it alone. Quite frankly, your wife and kids are better off without you.

LW2 - your husband needs the asistance of a competent therapist to work his way through what happened to him as a child. He’s not going to get over it, but a good therapist can help him get to the point where the memories don’t constantly plague him. I would also recommend that he cease visiting his family.

By LepidopterPhoenyx on 11/26/2009 6:37 am

e-mail alert

Rarely do I want to comment on anything but to LW1…

Seriously? You want to have a 2 year fling then when the woman you have been messing around with leaves you… you want to fly back to your ex-wife.

Often I think Margo is a bit rough on men in her answers but this time I think she’s way too soft.

You made this bed, your an adult, move on. And goodness I hope your ex doesn’t take you back she deserves someone who will want to be with her for her, not because his latest toy is gone.

By TrentLanthier on 11/26/2009 7:14 am

e-mail alert

"Seriously? You want to have a 2 year fling then when the woman you have been messing around with leaves you… you want to fly back to your ex-wife?

Often I think Margo is a bit rough on men in her answers but this time I think she’s way too soft."

Agree!

LW#1 needs to leave his wife alone. She deserves better!

By TraceyLA on 11/26/2009 8:24 am

e-mail alert

"Often I think Margo is a bit rough on men in her answers but this time I think she’s way too soft."

Margo always answers the question asked by the asker in a respectful way, that is, if it was his wife who wrote the letter from her perspective, she would have nailed him to the wall.

By CanGal on 11/26/2009 8:52 am

e-mail alert

I think Margo is almost always fair with her responses regarding men who behave badly. They are slammed appropriately. She is a bit soft on stupid women who repeatedly attach themselves to these types of men though.

By JohnLee1 on 11/27/2009 5:02 pm

e-mail alert

#1 - You want to tell your girlfriends husband she’s ready to have (another) affair - is this out of spite because she dumped you? And now you want your wife back? Do women every where a favor and don’t have any relationships for several years. Get thee to a therapist and have your head examined.

#2 - Perhaps he had a horrific childhood and has emotional trauma OR perhaps he likes to whine about his childhood to garner sympathy. Has it crossed your mind he might be lying about his past? I’ve been spanked with a belt two or three times by my Mom growing up. It wasn’t constant. It wasn’t abuse. It was discipline. We didn’t have a weed whacker growing up. Trimming the edges of the lawn with hand shears was the only way to get the job done. My sister and I both had this chore. Listen to his stories with a grain of salt. And the next time you get to visit his parents see if you can get their side of the story. I’m betting they don’t remember these incidents the same way your your husband does. Some therapy is in order to help him put his past in perspective. It’s possible his childhood really was a nightmare, but his wanting contact with his parents now doesn’t seem to fit well with that theory.

By BClark on 11/26/2009 8:17 am

e-mail alert

About the man who was demeaned by his parents: I too was demeaned. My step parents called me "stupid" and other demeaning names every day, for the 10 years that I lived with them. Then they disowned me when I was 18.

I was able to continue functioning through all this, but I resented them, and my self-esteem was damaged. As an adult, I received some limited counseling, but nothing extensive. My life has not been a failure, but I did not live up to my potential.

You see, the damage from a negative upbringing lasts until the person does something to get his life back on track. Only in my 60s did I realize the extent of the damage that was done to me by my negative upbringing. I have lately been able to repair my self esteem and shed my resentment, but wish I could have done it sooner.

I hope that this man will recognize his need for extensive counseling, to restore his self esteem and to shed his resentment toward his parents. Getting counseling is literally the best investment he could make. If he is religious, prayer should also be a part of his journey.

By CarolJeanCarmichael on 11/26/2009 9:11 am

e-mail alert

In both cases, the men are"dumping" on the women in their lives, so, as a woman, I say, minimize or get rid of the lads who won’t grow up. Childhood grievances can’t be a daily habit in a marriage; it destroys everyone. As for Mr. Libido, a child forever. move on, don’t speak to the husband, get a life, pay alimony & child support to the wife who needs a better opportunity. You are no bargain, and if you need to be an "actor" in your ife, go for drama lessons.Don’t mess with your family. They deserve better.

Margo, hard on men! You ain’t read nothing yet! Grow up, fellas! Play before marriage and fatherhood; then, get serious. If you can’t manage to do that, adios!

By SURAB on 11/26/2009 9:17 am