Dear Margo | 10/03/2009 12:30 am

Dear Margo: Her Mother, the Dinosaur

Her Mother, the Dinosaur

Dear Margo: I’m a 22-year-old student who just moved back in with my mother to help ease the cost of medical school. I moved out of our house when I was 17, one day after my graduation from high school, and never wanted to come back. However, I find myself having to make certain sacrifices so I can become a doctor. The problem is that my mother has always treated my little brother and me differently. She swears she loves us equally, but he is a boy and I am a girl, so she feels I should take care of him.

Now that he is 18, her thinking has made him immature to the point where he is completely helpless and has not a clue how to survive without someone telling him what to do, when to do it and how. He does not know how to find a job, wash his clothes or make any sort of food. He barely graduated from high school and has a DUI, has been to jail and has been at fault in an accident. My mother constantly rationalizes his behavior and blames it on the fact that she and my father divorced 15 years ago. She has told me on several occasions that men should not have to do anything, and that it’s my job to do everything for my brother. Now, I am not a raging feminist, but I have had it up to my eyeballs with her prehistoric thought process. I have two jobs, go to school full time and volunteer for community activities. I don’t have time to raise her child for her. What should I do? She is raising a man she will grow to hate. — Up to My Eyeballs in Prehistoric Thought

Dear Up: Sorry, she is not raising anyone; plus, she has a screw loose. This kid has been crippled by her nutty ideas. Because it sounds to me like all your time is spoken for, I would decline caring for your brother. That is her job, being a girl and all, though a superannuated one. I suggest you try — once — to explain to your mother how she has dropped the ball and invite her to pick it up. Enlist a trusted outsider’s help if necessary. — Margo, incredulously

Don’t Get Mad, Get Even

Dear Margo: My husband and I invited his sister and her 40-year-old live-at-home daughter to visit us at our new lake cottage for the weekend. The daughter moved right in, consuming most of our food and beverages and leaving a trail of debris behind her. Not once did she clear a dish or take her glass to the kitchen. She also rearranged my bookcase to her liking.

The most appalling thing was when I asked for her bath towels so I could wash them and she included her nightgown and two pairs of worn underwear. I have never washed anyone’s underwear other than that of my immediate family. To keep the peace, I simply washed and returned her items. I’ve been married to her uncle for only two years (a second marriage for both of us). I almost felt she was deliberately trying to test me and perhaps interfere with my marriage. Do I say something to her after the fact? I would love to send her an e-mail and tell her exactly how I feel. Incidentally, when they left, they asked if they could come back next month for an entire week, by themselves. My husband agrees with my feelings, but suggests I leave well enough alone and not confront her. — Sue

Dear Sue: I love the business with the bookcase. The middle-aged daughter is a head case. I suggest, instead of sending an e-mail telling her what was wrong with her behavior, you just say you are unable to accommodate their wishes for a week by themselves. If they can’t figure it out, all the better. — Margo, wincingly

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

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105 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

You need to figure out another way to finance medical school: Living with your mother & your useless brother is not a way. Join the military: They are happy to pay for medical school, and you won’t have a debt after the required specific years of service. Anything, probably including prostition is better than living with your mother and brother!

#2.

What does your husband think? For me, re-arranging your bookcase for her convenience is far worse than including underwear in the wash. But that shows how much I value being able to arrange things in my own home. (Um, bitchy, but not pointed at the poster.)

I’d talk to him gently about your offence with the in-laws. While I’d certainly tell them, "Sorry, it’s our cottage, and it’s not available." it would be better if he would do it himself. Best would be if he could tell them that they aren’t welcome back. Yes, it ain’t gonna happen, but it makes a great fantasy.

Or you could tell them how much it would cost: Adding in the hours of re-arranging bookshelves back to suit yourselves. This is skilled labor, and you are annoyed, so is $50 an hour reasonable. And hiring someone else to clean. Not to mention the property taxes, and mortgage, and insurance. This is how much it costs to stay here, without your hosts.

Eew! What obnoxious people! But, if you don’t tell them no, and why, they’ll keep on asking. Even then, they may well keep on asking. It’s not about you being a wife for the last two years, it’s about them being really weird folk.

Cheers,

Constance

who says that sometimes saying "No" is like an intermiable "Whack a Mole" game with clueless humans as moles. You still must keep wielding the hammer, lest the moles win!

By Constance Plank on 10/02/2009 12:48 am

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Hello Dear, u hav to be prayerful .

By john anderson on 10/02/2009 11:42 pm

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I’m confused. What does being prayerful have to do with my response to Margo’s column?

By Constance Plank on 10/03/2009 12:45 am

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"SIT DOWN, JOHN!" Prayerful!!!!!!!!?????

By Signing On on 10/04/2009 4:37 pm

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#1 I really tried to think of a nice answer, but it just was not happening.

#2 Run! Your mamma is never going to let that boy go, if she did she probably would not know what to do with herself!

By Linda Myers on 10/02/2009 12:59 am

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Letter #1 LOL! I couldn’t think of anything nice, either. What can you really say? I guess I might say, "Momma Rex, that approach used to work just fine, but imagine my shock when I went to college out in the real world and found out that the quality women I met want children to take care of later in the marriage, not at the point of engagement. Can you imagine??? You better get to work. I have to get to class."

By Karleen S on 10/02/2009 9:00 am

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L#1

Dear UTY Eyeballs,

your mother will never hate the man your brother becomes - she’ll simply project all the blame for his flaws onto outside sources. You’d be wrong to heap all of the blame for your brother’s weaknesses onto your mother - he does have free will. The dance between your mother and brother is theirs to choreograph - stay out of it and always let them know you love them.

Stay true to your path and maybe they’ll follow.

Wishing you all the best in your studies. E

By E . on 10/02/2009 1:08 am

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E - that’s the second comment of yours that I read that I really liked. Wonderful point that perhaps her (future doctor’s) example will ultimately help her brother. You’re very insightful about the "dance" as well.

By june sechowski on 10/02/2009 7:41 pm

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well said!

By Tana Goodwin on 10/02/2009 10:02 pm

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L#2

Dear Sue,

Say nothing unless you want to engage that pair in a confrontation. Do exactly what Margo said.

Can you pencil me in at the cottage for a 4 night stay next month? Heck I’ll bring some wine, groceries, make a delicious meal or two for all present every day during my stay - plus I’ll wash all the linens and towels (my dirty unmentionables will be done in my own washer). Being a guest in someones home is a privilege and the host deserves to be treated like gold.

I wish you years of great happiness in your new home. E

By E . on 10/02/2009 1:20 am

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There has been a frightening decline in the knowledge of how to be a good guest. Everyone is concerned about how they are treated and don’t give a second thought to their responsibilities. This showed up in the discussion about what to feed. You don’t want a guest rearranging your bookcase and giving you their laundry anymore than you want one treating you as a short order cook telling you what they will and will not eat.

In theory, saying you cannot accommodate works, but in practice, I don’t see how with out adding the why. If the place is empty and they aren’t going to be there, how can you say it cannot be done? And on a repeating basis? At some point they’ll ask what the deal is is and you have say, "I’m sorry, I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but on the last visit there was very little appreciation shown for out hospitality as well as little respect for our property. We simply are not comfortable with the proposed arrangement."

By Karleen S on 10/02/2009 9:06 am

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By susi fuschia on 10/04/2009 7:33 pm

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In theory, saying you cannot accommodate works, but in practice, I don’t see how with out adding the why. If the place is empty and they aren’t going to be there, how can you say it cannot be done? And on a repeating basis?

Simple - just tell them, "We’d rather not." Period. It’s their house, their prerogative not to allow others to use it in their absence, no explanation needed.

By Lepidopter Phoenyx on 10/05/2009 9:22 am

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Ohh Karleen S. I know what it is to be a guest at a home but how many know how to be a host? My family of 4 were invited to stay with family members while were were on vacation. We accepted. We arrived very late in the evening unfortunalty to have much quality time. 6 am the next morning I was awakened by the voice of my hostess asking me if i would be making breakfast. BUT OF COURSE , you welcomed me into your home let me delight you on my culinary skills. We had busicuts and gravy, fried eggs and bacon. Hush i was on vacation. There wasn’t a crumb to be found on any platter. My hostess and her family left. TRULY LEFT. I did the dishes put them away, this is one time you go thru cupboards to find where things go. My family and I left to explore old haunts and ohh and aww over the country side. When we came back the hostess was home and she was angry with me and mine for NOT INVITING HER to come WITH US. Well to make a long story short we bought every meal, cooked every meal, washed every item of clothing, bedding and then some .Bought all of the laundry soap, dryer sheets ,alcoholic beverages and cigarettes that they wanted. All in all it cost us 4x more than what we could have stayed in a hotel for. So the person that had to wash someone elses drawers needs to get over that crap. PULEEZE

By Helen Bates on 10/06/2009 12:16 am

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Wow. I can’t imagine inviting someone to my home, and then expecting THEM to cook, wash dishes, buy my cleaning supplies or recreational drugs.

While handing your host your soiled undies is unacceptably rude, so is waking your guests in order to place your breakfast order with them. I would definitely decline any future offers to stay with those people. My guess is that they would be as poor guests as they are hosts, so I wouldn’t invite them to stay with me either.

When I invite people to stay with me, I ask ahead of time if there are any food allergies I need to be aware of when planning the menu. If I know they have particular favorite foods, I plan to make those during their stay. I have had friends stay for a week or so, and either OFFER to cook occasionally while they’re there, or OFFER to take us out to dinner once or twice during their stay, but I would never ASK them to do so. If I invite you to stay, I plan to feed you. If we have people coming to visit, and we cannot afford to take the whole time of their stay off from work, I provide them with a list and a map of local points of interest that they might want to check out while we’re gone, rather than sit at the house in front of the tv and wait for us. I also plan on taking them to a few of my favorite places, again, on MY dime if there is a cost associated with it.

I wash all the towels and bedding that needs washing during their stay, and when I start loading the washer, I ask them if THEY would care to bring their dirty clothes to the laundry room and add them to the load. If they prefer to do their own laundry, that’s fine too. I will NOT collect their dirty clothes.

If I am a guest at someone else’s home, I OFFER to help with things like meal preparation and cleanup - sometimes the offer is accepted, sometimes declined. I ask for permission to use their washing machine to do my laundry, and I make sure that when I depart, the guest room is as clean as it was when I arrived.

By Lepidopter Phoenyx on 10/06/2009 8:06 am