Put the kid down if he starts pulling hair? Take away the toy for a while if hes vigorously banging it on the floor? Don’t have any kids but those came in mind. Didn’t find the comment very worrisome myself, my best friend works with children and theres a lot of things she has mentioned about teaching them that I would have never thought about.

The woman did not say she had a 12 month old, she said she had a one year old. Don’t forget that a child is considered to be one year old right up through 23 months. However, even at twelve months old there is a lot you can do to begin changing unwanted behaviours. For example at twelve months old you would likely use mostly redirection. Just because a child is only twelve months old does not mean you would still allow them to strangle the dog or exhibit other unwanted behaviours does it? You would either remove them from the situation, or remove the situation from them! And even a twelve month old can understand tone of voice and many words.

For an older toddler, say 18 to 24 months there are many, many ways of being what I would consider "strict"   I don’t know your definition of "punishment" but I do not believe it is unreasonable to put an older one year old in time out (approximately one minute for each year of the child’s age) or to even (gasp!) give them a  swat on their bottom to get their attention.  If you are not reasonably strict at a young age you will very likely end up with a hellion as early as age three.

I do however suspect that you were thinking 12 months old, perhaps forgetting that a one year old can be much older than twelve months. And perhaps you consider strict to be bordering on abusive. But I consider strict to mean simply consistent enforcement of proper behavior and rules. You don’t have to abuse a child to be strict!

Please know I am trying to write this with a friendly tone of voice and a smile!  :-)  Have a great day!

Well, SJ, as a mom I’ll tell you what that means:

A one year old can throw things (You say "No, no" very sternly as you shake your head. If they persist, you don’t give them back the object.)

A one year old can pull hair (You say, "No. Don’t hurt mommy" as you take their hand out of your hair.

A one year old can hit at faces (You say, "No! Don’t hit" as you catch their hand in mid-smack.

A one year old can hit or pull an animal (You say, "No, no! Don’t hurt the dog) as you pick up the baby and move him away from the dog.

Here’s the thing: babies are way smarter than people give them credit for being. As you use the word, "No" with a frown, head shake, or wide-eyed look, babies come to realize that "No" has a very strong meaning. Over time, simply the word, "No" uttered in a warning voice will stop a behavior that is about to happen (such as a baby reaching for a hot dish).  

The other part of the strictness involves positive reinforcement.

When a baby pats you gently, you say, "I love you too" or "Aw. You are sweet to mommy".

When the baby touches the dog carefully, you say, "Good. See the dog likes you. Let’s pet the dog"

In other words, when the baby responds appropriately to social stimuli, you use your voice and face to reinforce that behavior the same as you would to discipline when he is inappropriate.

I’m often amazed by how many parents don’t realize that rearing a child begins at such a young age—it does!  If a person will begin training a child at this age, you’ll be able to take that child anywhere by the time they are two from a wedding to a friend’s house. I watched my mother teach my sister in this fashion, I taught my daughter this way, and I’ve seen my niece learn too. Pity the poor parents who wait until children are "of age" to begin to instruct them in being human.  That’s when you get what the letter writer described.

While I’m on that, let me add that I would cut away that friendship from my life for two reasons: the other mother has demonstrated that she has missed the parenting boat. It won’t get better, in fact it will just get worse as the child grows.

Secondly, with only two years age difference between the daughters, this mom would be crazy to allow her daughter to "grow up" being playmates with this child. Not only will the crazy child be a bad example for this woman’s daughter, but she will abuse the daughter’s toys, and likely harm the daughter at some point. Don’t give her another opportunity to harm family animals, because the animals deserve respect and kindness.

Don’t give the mom and her holy terror any more of your time. No more chances. Decline invitations and don’t issue another to them, and tell her that you decided it was best if you were not around her anymore. Don’t try to be overly hurtful in your words, but make it plain that her child’s behavior has become a deal breaker for you. There’s no coming back from that, and the other mom will be mad as hell. She’ll tell others how mean, how high-and-mighty you are, etc., but at least someone will have been truthful with her. Best of all, she’ll be out of your lives.

SJ, I agree totally. I was 100% on board with the first letter, until I got to the part about the one year old.

And, co-sign your comment on LW 2.