The child choked the dog and trashes the house? and the mom thinks it’s no big deal? I would have made them leave on the spot. That woman needs to know that no one wants her around because of her kid. I’m so mad about what happened to the dog, I need to step away from the computer for a while.

That poor kid is going to have a really hard time making friends because no one will want to play with her.  

Maybe ifthe friend can approach it that way, and then suggest counseling or some kind of family program to help them, it would go down easier. 

My husband and I used to be good friends with an interesting and intelligent guy who lived in our town, until he married a lunatic and started raising a brood of wild, maniacal ape-like creatures … I mean children. Several times he dropped in unexpectedly, bringing all five of them to our house and turning them loose to do their worst. (There are more of them now, I hear, but the last time they were in my house there were five.)  They broke everything they could get their precious little hands on, and left sticky little handprints on the things they couldn’t break. At the time of the first onslaught, I was too overwhelmed by the chaos and devastation to effectively respond. The second time, I continually pointed out the precious angels’ destructive behavior and asked Dad to address it ( along the lines of, "Barry, would you please get Junior off the ceiling? He’s leaving footprints. Thanks, Barry. Now could you take the twins off the antique settee? Yeah, it survived the French Revolution, but it’s not really designed to be jumped on. Thanks. ) Eventually, Dad got the hint and rounded up his sweet darlings and left. They never again crossed my doorstep. They did come around several more times while we lived in that town, but my husband and I would visit with them in the front yard or on our porch.

I share SJ’s concern about "a 1-year-old with whom I am very strict." I’d been sympathetic with "About To Lose a Good Friend" until she said that (I assume the writer is a woman, but maybe not).

I admit that I only raised one child, so I’m no expert, but the thought of being "very strict" with an infant is alarming. The fact that the writer would anticipate criticism for it from her friend shows that she’s not quite comfortable with it herself. I think she needs to look to her own behavior before she spends a lot more time trying to change her friend.

I’m not by any means excusing the friend, but I think there are clearly two problems here, not just one. I’m surprised Margo didn’t pick up on it.

I think the lady who is dating the inmate needs to watch Judge Judy and Judge Joe Brown for clues of how possible losers act and the damage that they leave in their wake. I just hope that this individual is not dangerous and will not stalk her if the relationship does not work out. It really makes me sad to see news stories about crazy people who come after those who have rejected them even though their families have been proactive in trying make sure that their love one is safe.

My best friend had a friend who had kids, one being the same age as her youngest, and liked to get together for the kids to play.  Unfortunately her kids were similar to this situation.  And my son hated playing with her kids too as they were so naughty and quite uncontrollable. 

 Now these kids are in school and have had quite some difficulty in settling in, working with the teacher and making friends.  The school has worked with the parents and now the kids are a little older they are somewhat better.

You could find that this parent knows what’s happening but doesn’t feel like she has enough control to stop it - that’s how my friend’s friend felt.  Everyone used to judge her harshly for it.  Now I understand that she felt bad but powerless.  You need to talk to your friend honestly and ask how YOU can help HER to regain control of her child and put in boundaries before the problem becomes more serious (such as at school).

 Also huge parks that are less popular are great - that way you’ll find that your friend’s child has less kids and people to disrupt/annoy.

Good luck.

I had to think a bit before responding to the first letter.  I am a proactive parent, and have raised two delightful daughters.  (Um, yes, their bedrooms could be cleaner, but pick your battles.) 

I’ve known two different sets of scenarios.  First of all, discipline is always crucial. No, should be no.  I consider myself a benevolent dictactor.  My family is not, and will not be a democracy! 

This "friend" is doing her three year old daughter absolutely no favors at all by not disciplining her.  While I tried to save the word "no" for biggish items at that age, I was terrific about redirection, and about "scooping" my kids up when they didn’t react to my counting to three.  My kids were generally charming, and since we travelled a lot at the time for business, could even go to nice restaurants and behave.  (Bring distractions, and one parent removes the child if there’s misbehavior.  It works!)

So, one time my family and I went on a camping trip to a family camp which bears little resemblance to actual camping, as there were tent cabins with electricity, hot showers, and some one else cooks the meals and cleans up.  They even had child care for the potty-trained three times a day!

(Absolute heaven when camping with small children.)

We went with a woman I knew through a support group, and her husband and 2 kids.  Really nice, a fascinating conversationalist, she and her husband had spent a lot of time *thinking* about life, the world and everything.  I adored talking to them.  Their children, however,  were a nightmare, and they had no control over them whatsoever.  And for people who spent so much time thinking about the world, they spent no time thinking about their role as parents.  It was their parenting, rather than their kids, who were at fault.

The four year old daughter screamed about everything.  My daughters were three and six at the time.  The screamer overheard us singing and laughing as we showered, and she wanted to join us.  So I told her the ground rules:  No screaming.  You will be polite.  You will say please and thank you.  If you scream, you will shower with your mama instead of us.

Net net, at the end of the trip her father asked what we had done to his daughter to make her so *nice.*  Um, told her what the rules were, and held to them.  The last time I saw her, at age 9, she still had no manners or discipline.

My darling God-daughter, on the other hand, has oppositional defiant disorder.  Her parents are highly proactive parents, and have worked really hard with her.  The end result, I think, is that my god-daughter will do well in life. 

If this were my friendship, I’d tell the mom that her child is not welcome in my home because of the list of behaviors.  Since she’s probably losing the friendship anyway, I’d tell the mother that she is the parent, and she should be in charge of her child.

My children are adolescents now, and they know that when I say no, I mean no.  I shudder to think what they’d be like if no meant nothing at all.

Constance

long-windedly