Dear Margo | 07/01/2009 11:00 pm

Dear Margo: A 3-Year-Old Hellion?

Her friend’s daughter is a complete terror … Margo Howard’s bright advice

A 3-Year-Old Hellion?

Dear Margo: I have a good friend whose 3-year-old is a complete terror. The child has no boundaries and has never been disciplined in her life. When my friend and her family visit my home, this little girl is constantly jumping on my furniture, throwing DVDs and torturing my animals. The other day I caught her choking my dog to the point where he almost passed out. My friend ignores this behavior and acts like it’s no big deal. When I take objects away or put my animals outside, the child either throws a tantrum or deliberately waits until I turn my back to resume the bad behavior. It is getting to the point where I can’t hang out with this friend anymore. The last few times we’ve gone out in public with this family, their daughter has hit other children, thrown a tantrum or attempted to take off her clothes and run around naked. Her parents do absolutely nothing. The worst part is that my friend is completely clueless. She told me recently that she wants to sign her daughter up for flute lessons and possibly enroll her in acting classes.

Many of our other friends have stopped seeing this family because of this kid. How can I discuss this problem with my friend without offending her? I have a 1-year-old with whom I am very strict. I fear that if I approach her, the response will be that I just don’t understand because I don’t have a 3-year-old, or that I punish my child too harshly. Honestly, I don’t want to tell my friend how to raise her child; I just want this kid to learn to respect other people and their things. — About To Lose a Good Friend

Dear Ab: People are tetchy about criticism of their children, so don’t expect your friend to welcome what you have to say. I would encourage you, though, to tell her that the acting out of this child is a sign of psychological disturbance and you highly recommend seeing a child specialist. This kid is crying out for attention and limits. You might point out the number of friends who have peeled off and ask her to think objectively about a youngster who has no discipline and exhibits a lot of bizarre behavior. None of this may sink in until the flute teacher, for example, removes her from the class, or other kids’ parents refuse to let her come play. — Margo, necessarily

Where Is Your Boyfriend? He’s in the Joint

Dear Margo: I am a 20-something going for my master’s degree. I have been fortunate enough to have met a man who is caring and wonderful. He knows me as well as anyone does, but here’s the problem: He is incarcerated, and the friends and family I have told are horrified. I have not told my mother yet because I know she will be upset. No one seems to be supportive of this relationship, and I don’t know how to tell people that I know this is my destiny. How can I tell them that I am confident in my choice and that I am happy? — Struggling

Dear Strug: Well, I suppose you could say you are confident in your choice and that you are happy.

I hope you understand that your friends and family have your best interests at heart, and a guy in jail may not sound to them like a real catch. What you don’t say is what this man is in prison for and how long he will be there. I hope you are aware of the rather well-known fact that prisoners famously con people "on the outside" to wait for them, send money, etc. I think whether or not you knew this chap before he did what he did and went to the clink is crucial. It sounds to me as though your mind is made up, but you would do well to give it a think, as the Brits say. — Margo, pensively
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

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Read more about: Dating, Dear Margo, dogs, Family, Lifestyle, Margo Howard, Relationships, Terror

142 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Ltr #1: At our house if your kids can’t behave and treat our dog kindly, then your kids are not invited. I’ve been very blunt about this. I will not lock my dog in the bathroom. I expect friends to come over and respect that my dog is tiny and could easily be crushed, the same as I would do if I was at their house and a baby was crawling around on the floor. I am a huge believer in boundaries. You need to calmly explain to this clueless “friend” that her daughter’s poor behavior is an endangerment to your own child and your pet, not to mention a total distraction. She needs to be told in no uncertain terms that their child is not welcome in your home. As far as your friend - I wonder what you have in common with her. I wouldn’t even bother buying her a parenting book. She doesn’t want to parent. Contrary to what Margo wrote, I do not necessarily see this as a psychological disturbance. It’s a child who knows how to push buttons, which is a cry for her parents to be parents. If anyone needs to see a psychologist, it’s the 3 year old’s parents. As far as the mother of the one year old - I have a gut feeling that she thinks her own parenting is "strict" in comparison to the "parenting" style of the mother of the 3 year-old. [Just a poor choice of words, I’ll bet.]

Ltr #2: Didn’t I read this one before a few weeks ago? In any case, anyone who chooses to have a relationship with a person who is incarcerated obviously thinks very poorly of herself, but probably feels on top of the world because HE cares about her. She needs to rethink this. While the girl may be educationally advanced, she’s emotionally immature. As I said the last time this [or a very similar] letter was written: the saving grace is that the girl is 20. She will likely grown weary of not being able to date him outside the prison walls and will long for a social life that is more suitable.

By Andrea Brandon on 07/02/2009 1:22 am

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Andrea:

Regarding Letter Two: I feel the writer supplied so little information, I can’t take a position, outside of the one most of us know from cases like this in the past: the levels of manipulation and control over someone with esteem issues. I don’t think it really matters to define what he’s in for, or if he was a friend prior to his incareration. The bottom line is, he’s in there, for "X" amount of time, and she’s 20 years old. As you said. "A saving grace."

One thing I have read about these "relationships" is that often the woman needs that secured distance to feel comfortable. Maybe she should ask herself that. Does she need that lock-down physical remove to feel safe? Are there intimacy issues, not with him, but with anyone. Beyond that, I agree with what you wrote and I have nothing further to add.

Letter #1. This past weekend a friend attended a large gathering, and there were children running amok from one family to the point a 3-year old picked up a large snowglobe of value then deliberately let loose. My friend told me that’s when she made a sweep of hasty goodbyes and kisses, grabbed her handbag and left. Enough. There is a woman in my area, one of these "Mommy Bloggers" and she’s developed a huge following to her daily life, centered around two boys, one still in newborn status the other almost four. The four year old has allegedly developed a whole slew of challenges just shy of autism, but she spends her days photographing his tantrums and recording them in a "lighthearted sarcastic" manner. She never lets the naysayers comment on her blog, although one slipped through last week to pose the lethal question, "Rather than photographing your child screaming, shouldn’t you be comforting him?" Last night’s entry was about how she "might" be pregnant again…keep in mind…this is done for the drama and "give me your attention value." Why pose the question otherwise? I suppose my rhetorical question is, and voiced by the others above, "What ever happened to parenting skills?"

By Washington Cube on 07/02/2009 8:19 am

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Cubie,

You make an excellent point about the 20 year-old and the incarcerated boyfriend. It’s like "emotionally unavailable men" on a different scale. Either way - she could use a good girl friend to take her out and show her just how much fun in the real world she’s missing.

What DID ever happen to parenting skills? Tell you what I think: I think when parents became "abusive" because they smacked their young kid on the bottom is when parenting went out the window. I’m not talking about a bruise or a strap or pulling the pants down and whacking the bejesus out of them. I’m not ashamed to say that I believe one smack on the tush that makes the kid yell in pain sends a solid message. Kids understand that. They do NOT understand reason when they’re young. And this business about distracting a child ……… what does it resolve?

I’ve always said that no one on the face of the earth should be allowed to take their kid home from the hospital without showing proof of having taken a semester-long class in parenting skills.

By Andrea Brandon on 07/02/2009 1:08 pm

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Andrea: You are talking to a person who thinks people should have to pass an I.Q. test to drive a car, let alone have a child. I’m in accord with everything you are saying. I think poor Margo gave us these questions today because we totally fried her on Michael Jackson yesterday. Have a Happy Fourth of July.

By Washington Cube on 07/02/2009 2:02 pm

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Cubie,

100% concurrence with all.

Happy 4th to you too. Get those "Sassy _____" drinks out and celebrate. [Sorry, forgot the name of them.]

By Andrea Brandon on 07/02/2009 2:30 pm

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I don’t think we should judge the writer of letter #2 so harshly. It’s true, we don’t know what this guy was incarcerated for, but that being said, we know so little that we can’t really rule this guy out as simply a deadbeat, or as the last defendant on Judge Judy. She knows how she feels, and since she’s a candidate for a master’s degree she hopefully is intelligent enough to know what she’s doing in life (although I concede that is arguable). It’s hard to convey the nuances of certain situations in letters to an advice columnist. I agree with Margo’s advice though…"I suppose you could say you are confident in your choice and that you are happy," but that she should indeed give it "a good think." The point is, we don’t really know her specific situation except that, in a word, her family doesn’t agree; which, as any rational person knows, doesn’t necessarily mean a thing in regards to relationships.

By Christine L. on 07/02/2009 1:54 am

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Christine,

I suspect you’re in your twenties. I say that because only with life experience do you realize that the odds of someone in prison being NOT a deadbeat are just to staggering. If it was my daughter I’d find a way to get her to end it NOW.

To the best of my knowledge very few schools in the US have a set of criteria to determine candidacy for an MA. Such candidacies are usually reserved for those programs that require a dissertation [not a thesis], such as a doctoral program. But let’s assume that she’s finished the first year of a master’s program by age 20. That means that generally she’s about 3 years ahead of the normal person. Often those people who are advanced intellectually are somewhat emotinally immature for their age.

By Andrea Brandon on 07/02/2009 1:21 pm

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I agree 100% Andrea !! I know people who have IQ scores in the 140’s and have absolutely no common sense. I also worked in Corrections and believe me, those inmates WORK women like this. It’s their full time job.

By Dawn Smith on 07/02/2009 3:31 pm

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Dawn,

Thank you for posting that. Coming from someone who has worked in Corrections, I totally believe what your wrote. It makes total sense. What else would they do with their time?

Years ago a friend of mine, very, very shy lady with a heart of gold and with an intellect that would dwarf 99% of us, confided in me that she was lonely and had answered an ad in a personals column in the newspaper. She showed me his reply, nicely written and from all outward appears very honest. He wrote that he was incarcerated for a crime he didn’t commit……..oh he was soooo smooth. My friend wanted to know what topic she could write about that might interest him. Luckily I talked her out of responding.

By Andrea Brandon on 07/02/2009 4:17 pm

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Andrea, I also had a friend that wrote to a guy in prison many many years ago. He also was as smooth as silk and when he got out she let him stay with her and her 2 young sons. He molested her children. As you may know from my previous posts I am an RN and I can tell you with all honesty that the smoothest of the bunch are the child molesters and those that have committed grievious crimes against women. These men always have more than one ‘girlfriend’, are always ‘falsely accused’ and are repeat offenders. The one thing they like to do is to get a woman to the point where she writes ‘sexy’ letters. I don’t think I have to tell you what they do with them but believe me, more than one guy gets his rocks off with it. The things I’ve seen and heard would make a hooker blush.

By Dawn Smith on 07/02/2009 4:48 pm

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Dawn,

I’m glad you spelled it out because apparently some people are highly delusional about others. Some people have an incessant need to save and fix others and I guess they feel a bit like Mother Theresa when writing to a "lonely" inmate.

I guess those sexy letters really get them off…..either that or Bubba in the next cell.

Women have to stop being so naive and trusting. It would be wonderful if we lived in a world where we could be like that but the stark reality is that there are more perverts than you want to know about living in the same neighborhood. Anyone who thinks I’m kidding should access the California government website which lists registered sexual offenders by zip code. And these guys have been to jail…….someone YOU know might be writing letters to a registered sex offender.

http://www.meganslaw.ca.gov/disclaimer.aspx?lang=ENGLISH

[This is a safe website.]

By Andrea Brandon on 07/02/2009 5:10 pm

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Thanks to the internet it is quite easy to find out what you need to know about someone that is incarcerated now or has been in the past. Unfortunately there are many women and men who will still initiate a relationship with a prisoner. Sometimes I think it is because they really don’t have to deal with a face to face relationship, or like you said to ‘save and fix them’. I’m still amazed by the women that will marry a famous mass murderer ie: Ted Bundy, Richard Ramirez ( The Night Stalker). I don’t get the mindset behind that, probably because I’ve seen firsthand how depraved some of these individuals are. The one thing that always amazed me is how they DEMAND respect but have no respect for others. They are the first ones to let you know their rights but have no qualms about taking yours away. They are the victims, not the people they have robbed, raped, beaten and murdered. I thank God everyday that the correctional officers kept me safe and taught me how to keep myself safe. It was a very interesting field to work in.

By Dawn Smith on 07/02/2009 7:28 pm

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Dawn. I’m sure it was a very interesting field. I find the pyschology of it all fascinating.

By Andrea Brandon on 07/02/2009 7:50 pm

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Yeah, it’s like a crash course in manipulative behaviors. I tried really hard not to know what people were in there for. It was not my job to judge but to treat. But sometimes you can’t help but know. It’s part of what keeps you safe. It also jaded some of my opinions about the human race. Florence Nightingale, I’m not. That pipedream disappeared years ago.

By Dawn Smith on 07/02/2009 8:42 pm