It is unfortunate that the child who behaves so monstrously will grow up to be a woman who doesn’t recognize boundaries, who lacks empathy, sympathy and understanding, who is selfish and self-centered, and has a sense of entitlement.  She will be incapable of making and keeping friendships, of being a good companion and/or wife to any man misguided enough to connect with or marry her nor will she be able to parent effectively herself.

One only has to watch "The Nanny" to see that there are a multitude of parents in this country who do not know how to parent.  The behaviors are so bad I’ve sometimes had to turn off the program because it made me feel sick inside. It’s not that different from watching Cesar on "The Dog Whisperer" - there has to be an alpha in each family and that alpha shouldn’t be a little yapping, snapping dog nor an out-of-control child, EVER!  

Parents who are afraid their child won’t "like" them if they prohibit them from acting out and misbehaving are on the wrong track.  Parents who set a list of rules and enforce them, who discipline calmly and without anger, who keep their promises, reward good behavior, are loving and affectionate and good natured and who are fair, will not have that many problems with their children. As those children grow older they will remember, when trouble comes, as it will, that they can always turn to that same parent for moral support.

I never childproofed my home; instead I taught my children to respect the property of others.  That way they didn’t think anything within reach at someone else’s house was okay to play with or touch.  I taught them by example to be gentle with animals and to be considerate of adults and their friends.  When we went to someone else’s house, they knew they could relax and enjoy the visit while my children played with the books and toys we brought with us; so no one was stressed and no personal property was ever damaged.  The good news, we were invited back often.  Children are born a blank slate and we have to be very careful what we write on that slate because it will empact enormously on who they grow up to be.  

As for the young woman who is enamored with a man in prison - if she wants to save the world, perhaps she should start with the Peace Corps.  I’ve often wondered what it is that makes otherwise intelligent women become attracted to men in prison.  Whether they’re there because of battering or killing their wives, robbing a gas station or dealing in and/or using drugs, it will take a small miracle for these people to turn themselves around and become useful members of society. That doesn’t mean it can’t happen, it just means more often than not, these people become repeat offenders. Any woman becoming romantically involved with someone who has beenor is imprisoned is going to find herself totally out of her league.  I hope this young woman realizes that the fact she hasn’t had the courage to tell her mother about her prison trysts with this person is the biggest indication she is making a huge mistake.  A college education is no guarantee one will make all the right choices, common sense is something we’re born with or not!  Some of the most intelligent people I’ve known have not had college degrees.  I wish her well…and far away from him!

Letter #1: I think you’re going to lose a friend. Maybe you should. I’m not a parent, but your friend’s apathy is flabberghasting. If mom and dad aren’t shocked and ashamed by their child’s behaviors (nearly strangling other peoples’ pets to death??), then they’ve got rocks in their heads. Your friend will likely continue losing friends and become (more) defensive of the child. I’ve lost 1 friend due to very negative family issues; it’s aggravating, but some people can’t remove the blinders.

#1 - Ditch the friend.  You can’t help her.   In her eyes, her child can do no wrong even if she turns out to be a mass murderer.  Your friend might enjoy the drama of her little monster, but this is one soap opera you don’t have to watch.

#2 - This did come up a week or two ago.  Yeah.  Sure.  Fine.  If this is your idea of a great relationship, go for it.  There’s no help for you either and I’m not wasting my breath on someone who’s not prepared to see the problems she’s setting herself up for.

Ltr# 1

Kick this relationship to the curb and run for your life!  Life is too short! I see endless wasted hours of hitting your head against the wall trying to convince these parents to take responsibility for their childs behaviors.

 It is difficult for some parents to face facts. The child needs discipline and the parents are failing miserably in this area.

The choking of animals concerns me. The level of violence this child displays needs serious looking into. Without psychological counseling I see a future Batterer and Serial Killer.

Ltr #2

I once had an ex-convict laugh about women who develop realtionships with incarcerated persons. He said ,its called "doing time." Convicts want someone to help them pass the time. They welcome lonely women. Women who spend countless hours in a fantasyland sending money and material gifts.

Some women belong to their churches prison ministries and come to believe that their relationships are ordained by God.

Letter # 1:

Discipline and punishment are not the same thing.  Discipline is a system developed to control behavior and may or may not include punishment.  There are successful systems of discipline (used by theraputic foster parents) which ignore most negative behavior and are based recognizing wanted behavior and rewarding  it.  The reward can be as simple as "Thank you for helping me.  I appreciate it."  We’re not talking M&M’s or sparkly stars.  

Children want limits and controls.  They are not able to control themselves—that’s why they’re kids.  Children, in their attempt to figure out where the limits really are, will escalate their negative behavior more and more in a futile attempt to find where those limits are.

Children also want attention.  They need attention from their parents and other adults.  If they get attention for good behavior, they will use good behavior.  If they only get attention when they act out, they’ll use negative behavior.  Some of those kids who are running wild are trying to get their parents to notice them.  Watch an acting out kid in a restaurant—the parents sit and talk to each other, but not to the child except to occasionally say "Don’t do that" and then go back to their conversations.  If the only attention you can get is "Don’t do that" by running around a restaurant, well, if you’re a kid, you’ll run around the restaurant.

The poster discussing the little girl who wanted to shower with them had it right.  She set up clear limits and boundaries.  When the child followed the limits and boundaries, she got the attention she craved.  If she didn’t, well, no more reward of a fun time with her friends.

Now disciplining a one year old?  Well, if the letter writer was not talking about physical punishment, what’s the problem?  Even a twelve or fourteen month old who hits the cat can have her little hand held and hear "No hitting, we play nice with the kitty." and then allowed to gently pat the cat.  That’s discipline.

I spent my career in child protection.  I know abuse, punishment and discipline.  I am also awed by the miraculous changes that theraputic foster parents can make with children who are totally out of control when they get them.  It’s not easy and it takes a long time, but it does work.  (Hats off to you guys, okay?)

What struck me about #2 is that she claimed she was lucky to find this man! She is deranged if she thinks he’s a catch, whatever the crime. She knows nothing about him, cannot observe him in action with friends, at work, with family, whatever. She’s living in a bubble! If I were her mother, I’d worry. I hope this too will pass.

 As for #1, the statement that she is very strict with hr 1 year old child is alarming, too. I’ve just visited a younger cousin’s home with a 1 year old child. It’s been a while since my grandchildren were that age, so it refreshed my mind. I hope the writer was not serious and just prideful. At that age a parent needs a sense of humor and a kind heart. No slaps, screaming, or punishment, please. Strict discipline is as awful as the behavior of that oblivious parent’s with the 3 year old.

 Perhaps, several close friends could illuminate and warn the "inattentive" parent, who may be so defensive she cannot admit that her child is a probem and dangerous. The child does need help, because some of the actions are signals that there is worse to come. 

A lot of the posters here have it right on the little hellion… YOUR house, YOUR rules; never let kids abuse animals or destroy your property; teach and discipline; there is no good reason for the typical child to EVER run amok. 

I will only add that discipline works practically from birth.  A friend was a single mom who had her hands full between work and childcare, and could not afford a lot of behavioral problems to complicate her life.  Her child understood and obeyed "no" or "that’s enough" at SIX MONTHS old.  If she was fussy or carrying on, Mom would check on her three times: hungry? wet? need a cuddle?  Then, in normal English, she would state whatever was keeping her attention diverted: "You just need to wait while Mommy finishes the dishes."  If the child did not settle down after the third check, Mom would give her "the LOOK" and say, "That’s enough!"  Invariably, this worked… the girl knew that was the end of the "discussion"… AND she could speak beautiful clear English by age two, because Mom talked to her a lot, but not baby-talk.

LW#1, what disturbs me the most is the number of answerers that have labeled the child as "bad,"  3 year olds are generally not "bad," they have just been parented incorrectly.

I feel for the mom as cutting out friends because they are lousy parents (not a lousy child-it is not the child’s fault people!) hurts.  But is many times necessary.

Without boundaries and control, this out of control 3 year old will become a real terror around the age of 8-9.   As a parent, if you can’t control your toddler, you will be toast when they are pre-teens/teens.

I once used "Big Rules" to control others’ little darlings in my house.  I took poster board and wrote my basic rules on it.  Whenever a child would break a rule, I would open my closet door and point out to them which rule was broken.  It was amazing at how well this works.

Out of control children want to have guidelines.  Their brains are unable to accept the responsibilty of being their own parent.

Drop the parent and hope the child figures out life without her parents. 

LW#2.  Ms. Masters Degree needs a reality check.   Women who find their "loves" on the ‘net and in the pen usually are being manipulated.

These "relationships" are choreographed by the man (sometimes the woman) and especially with a felon, they have nothing but time to sit and read your letters and develop a game plan to convince you of their love & goodness.

Being separated/incarcerated forces the feeling of "we are in this together" and I call them Battlefield Relationships.  It is as if the two lovers are under fire and must band together to survive.

This creates a Romeo and Juliet type feeling and all the reason in the world won’t change the participants’ minds.

As i see she is hellbent on following this path, I truly am sorry for her.  All her family can hope is that she doesn’t end up with felony charges and destroying her life and career, for "love."