Dear Strug: if my family ever came to unanimous agreement about ANYTHING, you can bet your bottom dollar I’d pay attention to that! (I’d also be on the lookout for other signs of the end of the world.)

But seriously, SisterWoman, the people who know you and love you are urging you in the strongest possible terms to steer clear of this guy. Much the same as they might if you were driving your car off a cliff. LISTEN TO THE WISDOM OF THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU.

You say he is your destiny. If this in true, the two of you will find each other again in years to come when he has served his time and built himself a new, clean, lawful life. But right now, LISTEN TO THE WISDOM OF THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU. Do not hitch your wagon to a garbage scow.

One way to handle the 3 year-old is to let her know that your house has special rules. The next time she comes over, post a list on colorful paper and let her know how things are done. The child IS crying for limits and boundaries - that’s how they know people care about them. 

This way you can try to address the behavior without bashing your friend’s parenting skills. Remember to set the child up for success though. Make it easy for her to do the right thing, then praise her.

My best friend ran an in-home daycare for 10 years and with this "my house has different rules" techniue, she constantly had parents raving about their children’s behavior there, and wondered why they weren’t the same at home.

I think the "punishing too harshly" was more of an exaggerated concern she felt she’d get from her friend since her friend is off-the-charts oblivious to her own kid.  I didn’t take it literally.  But here’s the thing: people are afraid to enforce rules IN THEIR OWN HOME.  I don’t care who’s visiting - your home, your rules.   If your guests are miffed, so be it.  Say "I’d appreciate it if your sweet angel wouldn’t choke the dog, stomp on my furniture or crayon on the walls".  If that doesn’t work, ask them to leave.  Don’t worry about offending them.   Who needs "friends" like that?  And I sure as heck wouldn’t want that kid around my infant! 

It’s such a shame when people say ‘it’s too late’ for a kid. It’s hardly EVER too late. I took on a 9-year old stepson who was pretty difficult at times, very prone to throwing major 4-hour tantrums. Family and friends said it was too late for him, he would always be a tearaway.  One time I even had to wrestle a carving knife from him! He wasn’t threatening *me* as such, but he was trying to damage our kitchen with it because I wouldn’t let him eat chocolate instead of breakfast.  That was the absolute low point (I was terrified, in the house alone as his father was at work).  His particular favourite was to misbehave in company, at home or someone else’s house. Along with his father we agreed that we would simply isolate him - take him out of the situation and somewhere quiet, and be very firm. Once he calmed down, he could have a big cuddle and come back in.  It worked wonders. He’s now a 12 year old lad who’s bigger and taller than me (!) and is great fun to be with, works hard at school, and is pretty responsible for his age. Obviously he still kicks at boundaries sometimes, but he understands the difference between negotiation and ‘no, we are really not OK with that’.  He’s learned to control his temper and I’m full of admiration for that - he has a good heart, just used to have a short fuse!

Last year, after staying the weekend with some friends, the other mother took me aside and said she couldn’t believe the change in him! Apparently he used to be a terror on visits (though he has never EVER been cruel to animals), clambering all over furniture, running around the house, yelling etc. Problem is, his natural mom, while she loves him, never enforced any boundaries. Even now, if he annoys her, they get into a yelling and swearing match - she’s a nice lady (really she is!), but she just…never…enforced anything.  I’m probably a bit stricter than I need to be - I had a really strict upbringing myself - but BOTH my stepkids have a brilliant relationship with me.They love their mom very much but also give her a LOT more grief. 

Now I’m just hoping we can keep this up so they are still talking to us in their teen years! 

I am a new mother with a 5 month old. I have watched my older sisters with their children and have learned alot. I also have cousins and several friends with older children. So i did not go into motherhood with blinders on. I’ve seen all types of behaviours and  made notes in my head about what is and is not acceptable in my house.

Even now my 5 month old is told to be nice to kitties. Pat the kitties softly. Since he is at the stage where he wants to grab and put in mouth i have to make sure that he doesn’t hurt our two cats. They are very tolerant,mainly i think, because the do know that he’s too little to really understand he’s hurting. They have limits though and when they reach those limits they give me these looks and walk off. 

I’m sure that what LW#1 meant by strict that she reinforces positive behaviour and  makes it clear that certain behaviours are unacceptable. A 12 month old or even younger does understand no. Hitting isn’t effective it only teaches hitting…but no sets boundaries which this little girl desperately needs.

My 8 year old daughter used to be a real terror…and it was OUR fault(her parents)…we were young and stupid, and thought it was "cute" when she misbehaved. We wised up quickly. Now, while her temper occasionally gets the better of her (and even she admits that, she will take herself to her room), she is a smart, funny, loving little girl. Every year we get raves from her teachers, she is always kind to little children and would NEVER hurt an animal..she actually chased a boy down that was hurting a stray cat, and threatened to hurt HIM. We’ve just learned to control the less desirable parts of her personality, and we’ve stopped being afraid of being "mean".

By the time our 3 year old son came along, we were much wiser. We’ve learned to bring things to distract them, we remove him from places when he starts throwing a tantrum, and we also learned that sometimes what he wants is a little attention, even just a hug. He, too, is a sweet little boy…he loves to "help" around the house, he tries to pick up after himself, he even likes to run the vacuum.

Many parents don’t realize that kids thrive on routine and consistency…my kids go to bed at the same time EVERY night (I allow the 8 year old to stay up a little later on Friday nights, but most of the time she falls asleep at the normal time), we have the same routine every morning, etc. Without routine and order, kids will thrash around looking for them, and we call it misbehaving. Kids are born knowing how to behave like civilized adults, so I don’t blame small kids for being terrors.

For the mother of the hellish 3-yr old, I’m going to recommend a book: "The Difficult Child" by Stanley Turecki.   It recognizes that some children have inherently harder-to-manage temperaments than others, is sympathetic to the difficulty of managing such children day in and day out, and gives a lot of helpful suggestions for changing your approach.

Get a copy, and look through it yourself first, for an insight into your friend’s situation. It may be that your friend is truly clueless, or she may be so exhausted by caring for this child that she has mostly given up.   Then give the book to your friend.  That might open the conversation, anyway.  Try not to be too critical, though.   

I’m going to hear about this I’m sure…but kids don’t know about consequences.  It’s the parents job to teach them.  And I’m sorry, but sometimes saying no just makes the kid want to do it more.  And they will the second your back is turned…

The day we started calling parents "abusers" for giving their kids a whack on a butt is the day we started a generation of kids who will never "get it".  I’ve been abused…a spanking is not abuse.  It’s the consequence, albeit a slightly painful one, of an incorrect action.  I’m sorry, but they need to learn, and learn quickly that the outside world is not so forgiving.  And choking a dog?  That deserves a little more than a "no dear…you shouldn’t do that" and then dismissing it.  Especially as the writer said, the behaviour starts up the minute mommy’s back is turned.  

As far as LW1, it’s not the child that’s a terror - it’s the parent’s lack of discipline.  Three year olds should begin to have a grasp of the difference between right and wrong, but this isn’t something that just comes to them in dreams.  This is something they learn through discipline, positive reinforcement, consistency and by example.  If a parent isn’t leading, why in heck would you expect the child to have any inkling of proper behavior? 

While I appreciate the obvious reluctance to lose a friend, I think LW1’s priority has to be her family (pets included).  I think it’s a no-brainer.  And I’d even go so far as to tell the friend what the deal is.  It won’t change anything now, and it will probably leave a nasty taste for you in your friend’s mouth, but who knows?  Maybe one day she’ll understand why people kept walking away.  But please!  It’s not the child - it’s the lack of a parent.

And for LW2, there’s too little information to go on.  We know basically nothing besides the fact that he is in prison.  Too little details to offer any intelligent insight into her relationship.

But what disturbs me are the posts about this.  One person did point out the liklihood that someone would re-commit and end up back in prison.  And there’s no question that we have YEARS of statistics to back that up.  But I wonder how many of these people re-commit because of the attitudes I see here?  How many people end up back in prison because society doesn’t give them a chance once they’ve served their sentence and paid their debt to society?  I’m not saying that’s the situation here, and I freely admit that men in prison can and will prey on ignorant, naive or lonely women.  But should we paint them all with the same brush? 

If we, as a society, are not going to give people who have paid their debt to society as deemed sufficient by the justice system, a second chance, why bother releasing them at all?  Some people re-commit because, without this second chance, they have nothing - no friends, no money, no job, no prospects.  And we wonder why they end up back in prison?

I had a friend whose daughter was a spoiled terror. When they came to my home, the mother would lead the way and move anything within hand’s reach out of Little Demon’s way. She effectively redecorated my home. Anything Little Demon picked up was flung across the room. Didn’t even look at it, just threw it. Mom would pay for anything Little Demon broke, down to a $500 Tiffany vase that the Little Demon threw on the marble entryway floor. What Little Demon really wanted was someone to pay attention to her. So she broke things.

My friend was career-obsessed working mother who was addicted to material things and personal success. Little Demon knew just what pushed mommy’s buttons - breaking things. Because things are more important to mommy that you are. Children learn, even when you don’t want them to. 

Little Demon was shuttled off to daycare at six weeks so that mommy could "get my life back" (her words). She racked up hundreds in late fees because she couldn’t pick her child up on time and then complained about how "rude" the daycare was to expect her to pick up her child by 5PM so that the workers could go home to their own lives and families.

I can’t help wondering if the mom with the bratty kid is a working mother. Children raised in daycare aren’t exposed to much in the line of rules because there’s very little discipline that daycare providers can use to control unruly children. Daycare is really little more than a warehouse for children where strangers are filling your child’s head with their beliefs, their prejudices and their ideas.

Uninvolved parents have disconnected children who long for something they never get - parental attention. If you aren’re going to raise your own children, do all of us a favor and don’t have any!

1. THE CHILD ALMOST CHOKED THE DOG INTO BLACKING OUT??? Can anyone say animal cruelty, potential serial killer? If anyone touched my pets, I would harm them. Let me put it this way. If your dog bit that little girl, you can bet that her parents wouldn’t be hating on you. Tell your friend the truth and get rid of her as a friend. Your dogs need your help! 

2. In jail and your destiny? Not a chance, your destiny is to complete your grad studies and get out of dodge.