To the people who are "alarmed" by the comment Letter #1 made about being accused of " punishing her 1 year old too harshly", she did not say she punishes her child harshly, she said she is worried about being perceived that way in comparrison to the mother that does nothing to discipline her child.

 I have a 7 year old. When he misbehaves he must do things like stand in the corner, write sentences, lose privlidges such as TV and video games, not be allowed out to play with his friends, etc. If I take my son somewhere and he disobeys me, we pack up and leave. If we are at the swimming pool or a friend’s house, for example, and he misbehaves, he gets 1 or 2 kind reminders and then we will walk right out and head home. He can cry all he wants, it was his decision to misbehave when he knew what the consequenses would be. I began this form of discipline when he was 1 yr old. And because of this, my son is one of the most well-behaved children I have ever seen.

However,  I am constantly accused of being "too harsh" with my son by the other mothers who sit around and do nothing. I watch their children yell obscenities, hit people, throw tantrums, scream at ear-splitting volumes, torture animals, lie, steal, break things, and deliberately cause trouble while their parents sit around and say "oh it’s just because he’s 5 years old", or "she’ll out-grow it in a few years." These children have punched, kicked, and bitten my son who does nothing to them in retaliation except simply walk away because he knows he is not allowed to be violent. I walked in on one child detaining my son in the garage and punching him every time he tried to walk out the door. I told this child politely not to put her hands on my son, and took him home.  I was later scolded by her parents for being "too harsh".

 Am I too harsh?? I firmly believe I am not. Am I constantly accused of being too harsh? Absolutely. Ever since my son was a year old and he deliberately disobeyed me, and had to spend time in the corner, I was always called "too harsh" by the parents who think their children are perfect little angels. Chances are the mom in Letter #1 is not harsh with her 1 yr old, but in the eyes of these moronic parents who think it is ok to let their children be hellians, I am sure she is considered by them to be entirely too brutal.

 Everyone who is "alarmed" by her comment may want to reread what exactly it was that she was saying.

My father used a belt on us and we knew he would. He also spent time with us and taught us such diverse skills as learning how to spot a card cheat, how to bake and how to rollar and ice skate or fish. My mother used a hair brush and we also knew when we were going to be punished. The worst part was explaining why we were being punished to them before hand and we better include the details or it was worse!

Nowadays they would both be in jail. Yet oddily enough, all the kids wanted to hang out at my house. Many of the guys who dated us would remain friends with my parents afterwards and several girls took sewing and cooking classes from my mother and stayed friends with her.

I know the laws were needed and that some forms of punishment were abuse; but there is a happy medium.

I have to respectfully disagree with Margo on telling the mother of the 3-year old that her child may be suffering from a psychological disturbance.  Wow…..talk about killing a friendship FAST!   But…this reminds me of some advice that was passed on to me from my mother (who was told the same thing from her m-i-l).  She said: “Having  children is  the quickest way to find out who your true friends are, and who you still want to be friends with by how they raise and treat their own children.” 

Take a hard look at the couples you have been friends with since you’ve been married and see who you most closely relate to as far as raising children, and how they allow their children to act in other people’s presence. If this “friend” is so oblivious to what’s going on around her and finds nothing wrong with how her daughter is acting – you have your answer….she doesn’t care at all.  You need not waste your energy in trying to point out how badly her daughter is acting and threaten her with her dwindling friendship circle…she probably doesn’t realize what’s going on anyway and will take offense to your “unsolicited advice.”  You need to decide whether you can live with this and still socialize with this woman and her daughter and if it is truly a lasting relationship.  Can you see your children growing up together, sleep-overs, babysitting swaps etc?  My guess is, if you do say something, she will be offended and you won’t hear from her again.  If she truly thought something was amiss with her daughter’s behavior, you would see her trying to correct the daughter or discipline her in public. 

You need to surround yourself with friends who are more like you in how they raise their children -  you can be friends with those women for years to come because they share a common belief in child-rearing with you.  Bottom line is, it is very difficult to sustain a friendship with someone who you don’t have respect for and is so opposite in how they raise their children than you.  It becomes very uncomfortable being around them and witnessing the bad behavior without the parents doing anything.  It is even more difficult to have your child around their child because it never fails to happen…..well behaved children always take on the “bad habits” of ill behaved children.   Is that what you want to look forward to each time you are together?

This brings back memories, my children arein their 20’s now!  NEVER tell another mother her child is so out of control she needs emotional help unless you are a DOCTOR. Don’t judge this women or her child, if the behavior is unexceptable to you make other plans.  I taught Kindergarten for 15 years, they’re little,not perfect human beings. Children that need help with balance are better adjusted   than the "gifted" ones whose mothers are out in the parking lot talking about who can come to their Birthday parties.

If you were really her friend you’d ask "Is something going on I can help with?" Thats a friend, gossips e-mail wow.

To ALICIA - Go you! It sounds like you are doing all the right things. My stepkids were 8 and 4 when I first met them, so a very similar situation. Mine were used to acting up to get their own way (see my earlier comment about my stepson aged 9). One thing that really worked well for us was saying ‘I’m not interested in what mummy lets you do, this is our house, and our rules. When you’re at mummy’s house, then it’s HER rules’. We drew a very distinct boundary to prevent that sort of discussion - especially since it’s mysteriously always in the kid’s favour! At the beginning their mom would NOT discuss anything with us about discipline - it’s one of the reasons she and their dad split up. Things are way better now - she and I get on well, and often have a cup of coffee and chat about the kids, but it took a couple of years, and I think her rules are still not the same as ours. To be fair, don’t forget that your fiance’s ex will feel a bit territorial after all, they’re HER kids, and she didn’t get to choose you! Think how big a shock it is to see some other woman with YOUR children. 

Another technique which worked very well for us was the 3 warning system: ‘Please don’t do that’…’I have asked you once, this is your final warning. Stop doing that NOW’…’Right, I will count to 3, and if I get to 1, and you haven’t stopped, xyz will happen’.  Use it ALL the time - so the kids know EXACTLY what they have done wrong, EXACTLY how you are going to react. Make the consequence immediate and simple - taking a toy away is great for younger kids, TV priviledges for older kids, ‘no dessert’ seems to work on everybody - including me!!

If you do need to give a kid a timeout, Supernanny recommends 1 minute per year of their age, so the 9 year old needs 9 minutes.  You should tell them this - our friends use a little eggtimer so the kid can see how long they’ve got! With our littlest, she would shriek, yell, kick the door, throw things, and I had to hang on for dear life on the other side, usually with tears streaming down my face, knowing that I couldn’t interact with her - it is AWFUL, but it is WORTH it, and you’ll need to use it less and less. At the end of the timeout, you go back in and ask if they have calmed down, and ready to apologise, ‘because then we can have a big hug and be friends again, ok?’. Works like a charm. If they haven’t calmed, then it’s back to timeout.  Usually they’re grateful to say sorry and have a cuddle - kids really would prefer your positive attention by a mile, I was always extra smiley and nice and told them how much I loved them and was sad when they misbehaved so they learned that - hey! - my actions matter to other people, and apologising really works! (Wish my parents had taught me this, I just got a slap and the silent treatment when I’d done wrong, it broke my little heart).

Kids LOVE predictability - whether it’s bedtime routine, discipline, food, whatever.  They know where they stand. Don’t we all prefer that, than guessing? When they’re a little older, they’ll understand the difference when it’s a treat, or you’re on holiday, or whatever.

It’s hard being a mom, and it’s JUST as hard (but a bit different) being a stepmom. But let them know you love them, let them know you have your rules, and they’ll love you right back. They probably won’t *tell* you that, but they will show you! 

Giggle - our big lad would rather die than say ‘I love you’, but he will *only* come to me to chat about his music, and often brushes straight past his dad to say hi to me, waving a new CD or his ipod. And when his school asked him to write about someone they admire, either family or friend, he chose…me. I still get a bit choked up thinking about that. Blush! Sometimes it’s the things they DO that show you how they feel. I absolutely adore my two, and I’m very proud of them. They still have their moments, but mostly they’re pretty angelic! ;o)

The three year old…someone ought to tell the mother, her child is going to pay quite a bit because she has a mother who is clueless. We shouldn’t be angry with the child, but the parents. As a grandparent, I have no problem with alienating the parents if I think in the end it will help the child. People too often say "that awful child" the parent can’t seem to handle her…rather than "that poor child", too bad she has a mother who doesn’t understand discipline is the best thing for her. 

As for the young woman with the incarcerated man. Honey, you are living a dream. A guy in Prison is learning a lot of life lessons inside that will change him forever. There is a huge distance between what he writes to you and what he experiences on a daily basis.  He is learning to be a criminal in prison or perhaps a better one. He is learning how to stay alive which requires behaviors that are not easily tossed when he gets out of prision. And for too many women who believe their love will be the savior for a guy who got a bad break…grow up! The distance from being a law abiding person to becoming a guy in jail is huge. His sentencing to prison wasn’t some small tiny mistake. I am a believer in Karma and he clearly has lots of dues to pay…think of all the men who are not in prison and who have not run afoul of the law…then, who you have chosen…You might have his same problem…look how many options he had NOT to do something illegal and stay out of prison. You are his mirror image. You are choosing your most high risk option and I have a feeling you are sentencing yourself to a relationship you will regret. But you, like him, will have to learn your lesson the hard way. Stop being defensive and look at the reality of your choice. He will not be able to find a job, he will be hassled about being an ex-con…love does not conquer all, too often it disappears when times get hard and times get hard with an ex-con. If you marry and have children, they will have to know their dad is an ex-con…also the recitivism rate of ex-cons is huge. Men who come out of prison are never the same, even if they don’t do any more crimes…much like men who come back from war, they are changed forever.

I couldn’t begin to guess if this child has serious psych issues or if she just wants attention. But something needs to be said - for this child’s sake. Start to enforce a few rules. "Please tell Jane to stop touching my dvds". "Jane, you can’t pet the dog if you can’t do it nicely". "Friend, if Jane doesn’t stop jumping on the couch, we’re going to have to meet at a park from now on". Then, discipline that child as long as the parent doesn’t.

Some parents are oblivious. The LW even admitted it. There’s a reason it takes a village to raise a child. Another parent should step in if it’s necessary, if it’s in the child’s best interest.

That being said, I’ve had to tell parents what I think, and it’s never easy. If you’re trying to be sympathetic (or at least not rude), stick to the facts, don’t judge, etc. Hopefully her friend will come around. If not, at least she’s done 2 very important things: 1> Tried to help the girl, and 2> protected her own 1 y/o child from getting choked in the future.

I speak from experience here: The three year old may in fact have a physical or mental impairment which contributes to her behavior. And even if not, she is undoubtedly eating foods that make her behavior worse. (I am not just referring to sugar. My nephew becomes a terror if he eats canola oil. Gluten/wheat also exacerbates behavior issues in many kids. Undiagnosed food allergies can make kids go nuts.)  

Of course her mother is not helping matters at all by refusing to set limits, but perhaps she has done all she could and have given up due to lack of confidence or basic parenting knowledge.  And maybe when she is at someone else’s home, she uses it (admittedly wrongly) as a chance to turn off and let it be someone else’s problem. She probably feels like her friend is far more capable of handling the situations that arise so why bother. 

One thing that stood out was the strangling of the dog. My own child was 2 when he strangled me to the point of blacking out. (He is exceptionally large and strong, and I was ill and bedridden. I was not strong enough to free myself.) But apparently this is not necessarily a sign the child is a homicidal sociopath (which of course I feared!) The neck is just the easiest place to grab and hold tight. Most other parts of a person or animal are too big to get their hands all the way around. It is usually a sign of love not hate. (Not that it feels that way to the recipient!) He is a well adjusted gentle young man now. And whenever he isn’t we make sure the behavior stops, even if we have to physically intervene.

We don’t spank, though. I used to. But if I hit him, he hit too. Kids have trouble with hypocrisy. Spanking is an effective shortcut, especially if you are too frazzled to come up with something better. But in the long run, it does teach that it is OK to hit the ones you love for their own good. Since my son is so big and strong, we had to be extra careful to make sure he never turned into a wife abuser. Not that one has to lead to the other, but it can. Sadly, I learned that from experience as well. Better safe than sorry.