Dear Margo | 07/01/2009 11:00 pm

Dear Margo: A 3-Year-Old Hellion?

Her friend’s daughter is a complete terror … Margo Howard’s bright advice

A 3-Year-Old Hellion?

Dear Margo: I have a good friend whose 3-year-old is a complete terror. The child has no boundaries and has never been disciplined in her life. When my friend and her family visit my home, this little girl is constantly jumping on my furniture, throwing DVDs and torturing my animals. The other day I caught her choking my dog to the point where he almost passed out. My friend ignores this behavior and acts like it’s no big deal. When I take objects away or put my animals outside, the child either throws a tantrum or deliberately waits until I turn my back to resume the bad behavior. It is getting to the point where I can’t hang out with this friend anymore. The last few times we’ve gone out in public with this family, their daughter has hit other children, thrown a tantrum or attempted to take off her clothes and run around naked. Her parents do absolutely nothing. The worst part is that my friend is completely clueless. She told me recently that she wants to sign her daughter up for flute lessons and possibly enroll her in acting classes.

Many of our other friends have stopped seeing this family because of this kid. How can I discuss this problem with my friend without offending her? I have a 1-year-old with whom I am very strict. I fear that if I approach her, the response will be that I just don’t understand because I don’t have a 3-year-old, or that I punish my child too harshly. Honestly, I don’t want to tell my friend how to raise her child; I just want this kid to learn to respect other people and their things. — About To Lose a Good Friend

Dear Ab: People are tetchy about criticism of their children, so don’t expect your friend to welcome what you have to say. I would encourage you, though, to tell her that the acting out of this child is a sign of psychological disturbance and you highly recommend seeing a child specialist. This kid is crying out for attention and limits. You might point out the number of friends who have peeled off and ask her to think objectively about a youngster who has no discipline and exhibits a lot of bizarre behavior. None of this may sink in until the flute teacher, for example, removes her from the class, or other kids’ parents refuse to let her come play. — Margo, necessarily

Where Is Your Boyfriend? He’s in the Joint

Dear Margo: I am a 20-something going for my master’s degree. I have been fortunate enough to have met a man who is caring and wonderful. He knows me as well as anyone does, but here’s the problem: He is incarcerated, and the friends and family I have told are horrified. I have not told my mother yet because I know she will be upset. No one seems to be supportive of this relationship, and I don’t know how to tell people that I know this is my destiny. How can I tell them that I am confident in my choice and that I am happy? — Struggling

Dear Strug: Well, I suppose you could say you are confident in your choice and that you are happy.

I hope you understand that your friends and family have your best interests at heart, and a guy in jail may not sound to them like a real catch. What you don’t say is what this man is in prison for and how long he will be there. I hope you are aware of the rather well-known fact that prisoners famously con people "on the outside" to wait for them, send money, etc. I think whether or not you knew this chap before he did what he did and went to the clink is crucial. It sounds to me as though your mind is made up, but you would do well to give it a think, as the Brits say. — Margo, pensively
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

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Read more about: Dating, Dear Margo, dogs, Family, Lifestyle, Margo Howard, Relationships, Terror

142 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

When I have worked with parents of children in a social services setting, one of the questions I always asked was "How were you parented?". If a parent was being too soft and not setting and maintaining boundaries, 9 times out of 10 it would turn out that they had been parented too strictly and had been brought up with fear. It then transpired that because of this they felt that even saying "no" was going to cause their child to be afraid, so their parenting ended up too soft. After teaching them how to set and maintain reasonable boundaries and teaching them that this would mean the child would feel safe and loved, instead of insecure and needing attention, usually the situation improved and parent/s and child would benefit.

I would hesitate to suggest talking to the friend about her childhood unless the woman wanted to but I certainly would recommend that the woman suggest some parenting classes for the friend as children who behave as hers does usually are not happy.

In reply to the posts who recommend smacking children, this is not only unnecessary when you know other ways to manage unwanted behaviour as has already been suggested such as diversion, ignoring, counting, incentives etc, but it is also a good way to lower your child’s self esteem, which can then create issues for them in later life, not to mention their parenting which might turn out to be without boundaries.

If any one said to you to go for a job avertised in the paper which said: hours - 24/7 with no sleep for the first year, pay - none, training - none, criticism - loads from everyone, help - very little, duration - life, skills required - teacher, cleaner, taxi service, psychologist, nurse, social secretary, PA, therapist, advisor, politician, chef, you would think they had lost it wouldn’t you?! Parenting is not easy at the best of times and unless we are taught well by our own parents, it is also not necessarily natural and all of us need a helping hand and some advice and ideas now and again. I personally learnt a lot about parenting when I helped out at the playgroup of my first child.

By Chrissy Smith on 07/06/2009 1:41 pm

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I am so happy to read everyone’s help here on WOW. Wish it were around when I was raising my boy’s! I had five of them - in a neighborhood of mostly "boy’s". My husband and I were "strict", but the parents were not, it made a hard row to hoe I’ll tell ya! The stict ones on the block who actually did not cover-up, but punish when necessary - while the others just said boys will be boys. Well, NOW most of those boy’s are still living at home - not productive people in society - either addicted to some substance or just plain lazy!

My suggestion - from experience- is dicipline must be started before 12 months. No need to be concerned - dont spank 12 month olds, you direct them to the proper thing to do. You are setting them up to more dicipline for when they get older. Yes, I feel it must be started very young - the later you start the harder it is to be a parent they look to for guidance.

By Paula LHawkins Johnson on 07/09/2009 5:21 pm

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You don’t have to hit childen in order to teach them boundaries. Time outs, consistently rendered, are very effective. My personal rule of thumb is one minute for each year the child is old. Any longer and they forget why they’re there, and that defeats the purpose. Sit the clock down in front of them and tell them when they can get up. When the time is up, they get up and all is forgiven. They get to rejoin the group and given another opportunity to behave appropriately.

A parent who fails to set limits for their child is, in my opinion, as abusive as a parent who physically abuses a child. A child who does not know how to behave with other chidlren and with grown ups is not welcome at functions. The child picks up on this, and realizing he/she is unwelcome gets hurt feelings. You want to see pain in a child’s face, watch a child such as this walk into a play ground and have the other children move away. Now THAT’S pain, and it is a pain that is caused by the parent’s own laziness and unwillingness to accept the parental rold. It’s also, totally avoidable.

By Sally K on 07/09/2009 8:53 pm

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My husband is a Correctional Officer at a Prison and he says that many of the inmates will write the same letter to several different women! Most inmates just use these outside women to get money put on the books! This woman needs to run far far away from this man! There are plenty of fish in the sea, she needs to find a man with a job, a future, and no criminal record!

By Stephanie Smith on 07/10/2009 3:14 pm