Dear Margo | 10/23/2009 12:30 am

Dear Margo: Backing Up and Coming Clean

Backing Up and Coming Clean

Dear Margo: In my senior year of college, I had an affair with my much older professor. It took a while to get over, but now I’m in grad school and he’s still my adviser and friend. A few friends and my current boyfriend of 11 months know that there was some kind of attachment (I never said who), but as far as anyone is concerned, I’ve been single between my high-school boyfriend and this one.

Recently, my bf asked me (though it sounded more like a statement) whether I’d had another partner. I was caught off guard, but shook my head ‘no’ and referred to the period in between as ‘mind games.’ He seemed to believe me. We’re doing the long-distance thing, and he was leaving the next morning. My conscience is killing me. I can’t live with having lied to his face. I’m afraid that if I tell him, I’ll lose him, but if he finds out himself, I’ll lose him for sure. On top of everything, I’ve somehow misplaced the notebook where I’d written a letter after the breakup. I’m seeing my boyfriend in a month. What do I do? Can I come clean without full disclosure? How can I handle this without losing the guy I love so dearly? — Can’t Live with a Lie.

Dear Can’t: Because there’s a chance your current bf could find out, and because your conscience is killing you, I would tell him the involvement was something you so regretted that you lied when caught off guard. Also tell him you believe there should be total honesty between two people who are committed to each other, which is why you are ‘fessing up. If it’s a deal breaker, then you will know that this man does not have the forgiveness gene. Plus, you were not cheating on him, so it shouldn’t be fatal to your romance. I would not reveal the professor’s identity, if that’s what you mean by "full disclosure." Good luck. — Margo, straightforwardly

Re: (Broken) Engagement Rings

Dear Margo: I find myself in a rather sticky situation. I have been in a long-distance relationship for two years. We got engaged. The ring that was given to me was his mother’s. He recently ended the relationship because, in short, his priorities were not in order. It has been six weeks since our breakup. His mother attempted to contact me for the first three weeks and text messaged me today asking me to call her so we could talk. I am assuming it is about the ring. I received an e-mail a week ago from him saying that apparently I’ve "hijacked" (yes, he really said "hijacked") her ring, as I haven’t returned it yet. He also proceeded to tell me he was sorry and apologized profusely. He then implied that since our breakup, I have been drinking and partying and having random sex — none of which I have been doing and, of course, find insulting.

I have mixed feelings about returning the ring, because I am still hurt and angry about the breakup and his e-mail. It bothers me that this ring was apparently never really mine, that it is hers, was always hers and needs to be returned to her. My bitter side tells me to keep it, but I do not want to be the girl that kept the family heirloom. — Trying To Be Decent, Though Scorned

Dear Try: According to etiquette, as well as legal precedent, if the man breaks the engagement, the ring is the woman’s to keep. (The reverse is that if the woman breaks the engagement, she returns the ring.) The choice for you is whether to be a lady or to stick it to him and his mother. I will say that the ex-fiance doesn’t seem to be playing his cards very well. Think about it until you have a better idea of how you feel. — Margo, thoughtfully
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

Read more about: Breakup, Dating, Dear Margo, Engagement, Infidelity, Marriage, Relationships

111 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

To Trying but Scorned,

I get it. I know how it feels to have to give back an engagement ring. I sold my house, moved my kids and myself into a man’s house whom I loved. We were there a year. Next thing I know I am finding text with nude pictures of him and other women from around the country in cybersex. Needless to say he didn’t want to stop it and so I had no choice but to break it off and leave.

I kept this beautiful ring for about 2 months afterwards. He asked me for it back several times. Each time I simply told him I wasn’t ready yet, but that he would get it back eventually, on MY time. I felt I had that right, especially given the circumstances of the break-up in the first place. But, I really didn’t want the ring anyway because of what it symbolized, our love, which was now no longer present. I’m glad I held on to it because it made it easier for me later. One day I opened the box and the ring didn’t look as beautiful to me anymore. It had lost its luster. I knew then that it was time to return it.

Sure, I probably could have kept it. I had friends telling me to do that. But, honestly, I didn’t want it anymore. What we had was gone. It was better for me to let go and move forward. I hope you can do the same. I wish you the best.

By Jody Hoffman on 10/23/2009 12:24 am

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I agree she should return it. I received my mother-in-law’s one carat gorgeous wedding ring as my engagement ring. My husband turned out to be…well, a jerk. I was tempted to keep the ring -after all, we were married, but the "heirloom" factor compelled me to give it back. Now I’m the mother of a wonderful son and I’d like to think there are such things as karma - that perhaps if he ever finds himself in that situation, she’ll have class enough to rise above her anger. I’d return the ring, wipe the slate clean and be glad that you found out he was a louse BEFORE the papers were signed. Good luck.

By Gina Greenway on 10/25/2009 10:05 pm

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LW1… Didn’t you just ask Dear Prudence this question a week or so ago? Should I be watching Dear Abby and Savage Love for their opinions as well?

By Zenka Wistram on 10/23/2009 12:28 am

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Yes, it was, sometimes people submit to multiple advice columns. I’ve seen duplicate letters turn up with in one to two weeks time between Margo, Prudence, Carolyn Hax, Dear Abby and Ask Amy.

By Kristana Dunn on 10/23/2009 9:35 am

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It’s so you can get several options and find an response that let’s you justify your actions. I spend time on Yahoo Answers and I see it all the time. There could be 19 identical responses and one oddball. The oddball is the one that supplies justification, so the asker picks it as "Best Answer." It’s ridiculous.

By Karleen S on 10/23/2009 9:54 am

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But Zenka reads Savage Love! Hahaha! There would be a VERY different answer from Dan if you asked him and it would not be "work safe." >:-)

By Lisa S. on 10/27/2009 8:52 am

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This happens from time to time. Dear Prudence/Margo/Abby do NOT answer every email, that I know for a fact. So, sometimes people send out to multiple columnists for advice. I can’t imagine Margo (or her editors) having the time to check every single advice columnist and how far back does she have to check? So duplicate letters will occasionally pop up. This is not the first time. I am frankly surprised that it doesn’t happen MORE often.

By John Lee on 10/23/2009 11:17 am

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In the old days (LOL), it wasn’t an issue because one newspaper came to your house with one columnist. AND if you wanted to send multiple letters you would have to re-type/write each one over again & put a stamp on it. Now it is so easy to surf, cut & paste, send with no fee that I’m sure the majority of writers ask more than one columnist’s advice.

By Lym BO on 10/23/2009 1:40 pm

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L#1

Dear CLWL,

What Margo said.

Just a thought - is there any possibility that your current boyfriend found the missing notebook? If you continue the relationship and it turns out that he hid or took the notebook you should tell him he was wrong to do it even under the circumstances.

Wishing you good fortune luck in love and career - E

By E . on 10/23/2009 12:34 am

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L#2

Dear TTBD,

If you keep it you will never be able to enjoy that ring so do the decent thing and give the ring back. It is the most progressive choice for you and will make you happier overall.

Wishing you peace and light - E

By E . on 10/23/2009 12:40 am

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I’m with you. Grow up and give up on the "punishment." Under other circumstances, I’d say keep it despite the guy’s imprudent decision to use an heirloom when he clearly wasn’t ready to make a commitment. But an heirloom it is, and despite personal feelings, who wants to lower themselves to that level?

By Karleen S on 10/23/2009 9:58 am

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I agree - give it back and get it and them out of your life forever so you can go on from here. Don’t look back.

By Josie James on 10/23/2009 5:25 pm

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I don’t particularly agree with the concept of using a family heirloom to symbolize a new life together. That being said, I would advise anyone in this situation to cut all ties with the family by returning all precious items. The need for revenge will eventually wear off, and hanging on to the ring will only leave you with a nagging guilt.

By Siena Duarte on 10/23/2009 12:42 am

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This letter appeared in Slate’s "Dear Prudence" dated Oct. 15, 2009. Was there some kind of a mix up? Or is this the letter writer’s idea of a joke?

"Dear Prudence,
In my senior year of college, I had an affair with my much older professor. It took awhile to get over, but several years later, I’m in grad school, and he’s still my adviser and close friend. A few friends and my boyfriend of one year know I had some kind of romantic attachment during college (I never said with whom) but basically think I’ve been single between my high-school boyfriend and this one. Recently, while discussing a minor variation in bed, my boyfriend asked me whether I’d had another partner. I was caught off guard and said no. He seemed to believe me; however, I can’t live with having lied. I’m afraid that if I tell him, I’ll lose him. (If he finds out on his own, I’ll lose him for sure.) If this secret comes out, it would ruin my career. What do I do? Can I come clean without full disclosure? How can I handle this without losing the guy I love so dearly?

—Can’t Live With a Lie

As long as you haven’t picked up an STD, a benefit of having more than one sexual partner is that it can make you better in bed. Instead of grilling you about how you know reverse cowgirl, your boyfriend should be one happy cowboy. Some couples are open with each other about their sexual histories, and some decide to just let them be history. But I don’t understand why you felt you needed to tell your boyfriend that you’d had only one previous sexual partner or why he would leave you if you’d had a romance in college you didn’t tell him about. I understand all this is complicated by the fact that the man in question was your professor and he continues to be your adviser. That raises a separate set of issues. It sounds as if this violates the code of conduct for your school and that your professor needed to have removed himself as your adviser long ago. You need to consider whether switching advisers now might still be advisable. (And if the relationship came out, why would it ruin your career?) But if that would create too many difficulties, as long as you and he keep your past private, that’s the way it will stay. So, either decide your sexual history is none of your boyfriend’s business and leave it at that, or tell him you did have a romance in college that ended painfully, and you don’t want to discuss the particulars. " signed P***** Frankly I feel the original advice columnist is the gold standard over a cheaper imitation. Let us know what you find out if WOW decides to dig into this…

By Catherine Bergmann on 10/23/2009 12:43 am

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I also saw #1 on Slate. Why aren’t your editors checking the competition? There was more than enough time to do so.

#2: Return the ring to the mom. It’ll make you look like the better person, which will REALLY stick it to her & the cad she raised. Bonus: They’ll be out of your hair for good. If you keep the ring, you’ll feel bad every time you even *think* of wearing it. And when you get engaged to someone decent, you certainly won’t want it anymore.

By Bella Stander on 10/23/2009 12:59 am