Dear Margo | 10/23/2009 12:30 am

Dear Margo: Backing Up and Coming Clean

Backing Up and Coming Clean

Dear Margo: In my senior year of college, I had an affair with my much older professor. It took a while to get over, but now I’m in grad school and he’s still my adviser and friend. A few friends and my current boyfriend of 11 months know that there was some kind of attachment (I never said who), but as far as anyone is concerned, I’ve been single between my high-school boyfriend and this one.

Recently, my bf asked me (though it sounded more like a statement) whether I’d had another partner. I was caught off guard, but shook my head ‘no’ and referred to the period in between as ‘mind games.’ He seemed to believe me. We’re doing the long-distance thing, and he was leaving the next morning. My conscience is killing me. I can’t live with having lied to his face. I’m afraid that if I tell him, I’ll lose him, but if he finds out himself, I’ll lose him for sure. On top of everything, I’ve somehow misplaced the notebook where I’d written a letter after the breakup. I’m seeing my boyfriend in a month. What do I do? Can I come clean without full disclosure? How can I handle this without losing the guy I love so dearly? — Can’t Live with a Lie.

Dear Can’t: Because there’s a chance your current bf could find out, and because your conscience is killing you, I would tell him the involvement was something you so regretted that you lied when caught off guard. Also tell him you believe there should be total honesty between two people who are committed to each other, which is why you are ‘fessing up. If it’s a deal breaker, then you will know that this man does not have the forgiveness gene. Plus, you were not cheating on him, so it shouldn’t be fatal to your romance. I would not reveal the professor’s identity, if that’s what you mean by "full disclosure." Good luck. — Margo, straightforwardly

Re: (Broken) Engagement Rings

Dear Margo: I find myself in a rather sticky situation. I have been in a long-distance relationship for two years. We got engaged. The ring that was given to me was his mother’s. He recently ended the relationship because, in short, his priorities were not in order. It has been six weeks since our breakup. His mother attempted to contact me for the first three weeks and text messaged me today asking me to call her so we could talk. I am assuming it is about the ring. I received an e-mail a week ago from him saying that apparently I’ve "hijacked" (yes, he really said "hijacked") her ring, as I haven’t returned it yet. He also proceeded to tell me he was sorry and apologized profusely. He then implied that since our breakup, I have been drinking and partying and having random sex — none of which I have been doing and, of course, find insulting.

I have mixed feelings about returning the ring, because I am still hurt and angry about the breakup and his e-mail. It bothers me that this ring was apparently never really mine, that it is hers, was always hers and needs to be returned to her. My bitter side tells me to keep it, but I do not want to be the girl that kept the family heirloom. — Trying To Be Decent, Though Scorned

Dear Try: According to etiquette, as well as legal precedent, if the man breaks the engagement, the ring is the woman’s to keep. (The reverse is that if the woman breaks the engagement, she returns the ring.) The choice for you is whether to be a lady or to stick it to him and his mother. I will say that the ex-fiance doesn’t seem to be playing his cards very well. Think about it until you have a better idea of how you feel. — Margo, thoughtfully
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

Read more about: Breakup, Dating, Dear Margo, Engagement, Infidelity, Marriage, Relationships

111 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Simply put:

Etiquette and precedent is on your side. The ex-fiancee and his mother should both back off. If they pressure you into returning the ring, I would, with one slight alteration:

1. Gently wrap the ring in a soft cloth

2. Lay the wrapped package on a solid table

3. SMACK THE DAMN THING WITH A HAMMER REPEATEDLY UNTIL YOU FEEL MUCH BETTER.

4. Place the ring in the original box

5. Return it to him postage due

By Steve Tepperman on 10/23/2009 8:42 am

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Dude, that’s just mean.

By R Scott on 10/23/2009 9:01 am

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How could you do something like that? That would haunt me for this rest of my life. I couldn’t treat another person that way. The resentments you harbour will do far more damage to your sole, than the damage you will do the person(s) you resent.

By Tom McKenna on 10/23/2009 11:31 am

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#1 Without coming clean what kind of future would there be outside of one that is built on skeletons in the closet. As far as dragging the professor’s name into the discussion, I would question why you would feel the need. Your the one perpetuating a lie, not the professor. Sounds more like your BF was asking you if you were a virgin, all you had to say was no.

#2 Having lost two parents and virtually all heirlooms split between two sisters, I can understand wanting to hold unto something for the future. The purpose the ring serves now in your intentions on keeping it really do not outweigh the future of that posession in a family lineage. Be the bigger of the two and give it back with the hope it will find it’s way in the future to a rightful keeper. If it was store bought, I would say keep it.

By Linda Myers on 10/23/2009 9:06 am

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actually Margo, you’re not entirely accurate on the legal precedent.

In my home state and the state I currently live in, the legal precedent is that the engagement ring is a conditional gift that belongs to the giver until the condition (marriage) takes place. at that point the ring belongs to the receiver. However if the condition doesn’t happen then the ring must returned to the giver.

so, it the couple were to have married and then divorced the engagement ring is hers but if the couple never married then the engagement ring is still his.

She’ll need to check her state to see if she lives in a state where she would be allowed to keep the ring or if she lives in a state where she must give the ring back.

Of course if the family decides to take her to court over it…she could succeed in dragging out an unpleasant chapter of her life and make it truly ugly.

and Miss Manners always wondered why a young lady would want to hold onto a ring w/ unpleasant memories when she has the chance to fling it back in his face. ;)

By Kristana Dunn on 10/23/2009 9:30 am

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Many state laws require the ring to be returned so it would be a moot point. Morally, she should return the ring to the mother - don’t know why it even requires thinking about. All this debate about keeping it says a lot about what type of society we’ve become.

By Brenda Howard on 10/23/2009 9:36 am

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An engagement ring is a "conditional gift". It must be returned if the "condition" (getting married) is not met. This is true by tradition and, in many jurisdictions, by law. Give back the ring- If you cannot bring yourself to return it to the former fiance, then return it to his mother, but return it.

By Shana LeBeau on 10/23/2009 9:39 am

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#1 She should keep her mouth shut if the question comes up again a simple "Ladies don’t kiss and tell " will do.

#2 Sorry Margo you may be correct etiquette may say she keeps the ring but I disagree the ring belonged to his Mom she gave it to him for his fiance’ the mom did this to pass the ring down in the family. This young lady needs to "man up" as the saying goes and return the ring.

By Elizabeth L on 10/23/2009 10:14 am

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LW#2

Yes, being petty feels great sometimes. When you are dumped it feels really good.

But, whom are you really hurting? BF? or BF’s Mom?

Give the ring back and pray that the moron (and his mommy) gifts it to the next in line.

Sit back in satisfaction that the ring is used, tainted and re-gifted.

Then, you will get your just desserts.

It took 12 long years for my ex to get his. I took the high road - and while difficult - when his chickens came home to roost, I was elated.

Let the next sucker, ‘err fiance, wear the tainted gold with pride.

Move on and enjoy what you are blessed with, including the blessing of not having mommy rule your home and hubby.

By Teresa Edmonson on 10/23/2009 10:30 am

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When my sister broke the engagement, the judge in California said that unless the girl paid for it, she’s got to return it. In my case, my husband and I discussed the use of his grandmother’s diamond in my engagement ring and decided that I would return the ring if we didn’t "make it". So far, so good!

By Margie Goforth on 10/23/2009 11:18 am

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To Coming Clean: Your past is really none of your current BF’s business. He doesn’t need to know anything about the Prof.

By F P on 10/23/2009 11:18 am

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Regarding the first letter: It did in fact appear in "Dear Prudence" last week. I’m sort of an advice column junkie, and I’ve seen this happen before with other columns. People sometimes write to more than one columnist to increase their chances of getting a response. I think the advent of e-mailing columnists makes this a more frequent occurence. Most people wouldn’t take the time to hand write the same letter to four or five different columnists.

By Jon Schweizer on 10/23/2009 11:39 am

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Which column(ist) do you like best??

By Van Lee on 10/23/2009 12:13 pm

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Hmm, that’s a toughie. Two favorites are definitely Carolyn Hax and Margo Howard. Different styles, but I enjoy what they both bring to the table. Miss Manners is always fun for the etiquette stuff. I’ll read most of them, but some clearly handle the advice game better than others. But the letters are always interesting.

By Jon Schweizer on 10/23/2009 7:17 pm

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On the ring front, I don’t know about the legal precedents, but I’ve never been a fan of the jilted woman keeping the ring. Regardless of how justified her anger may be, the ring represents a commitment to get married. I suppose guys see it differently than women, but why carry around a reminder of a marriage that never happened? Give it back and move on with your life.

By Jon Schweizer on 10/23/2009 11:44 am