Dear Margo | 07/23/2009 11:00 pm

Dear Margo: Puh-leaze

Puh-leaze

Dear Margo: You did it again: projecting your unresolved family conflicts onto your readers … innocent young people looking for wisdom from someone who has little in this area.

I really don’t want to shame you, Margo, but your level of consciousness is regrettably low. You sound like the Old Testament’s "an eye for an eye." I am referring to your advice to someone who asked whether or not to contact her father who abandoned the family years ago. Naturally, based on your experience, which has to include unresolved issues, you encouraged her to continue the estrangement. If you had any knowledge of family systems, you would know that estrangement in families is usually a factor in mental illness and is often at the core of depression. This woman will never be at peace until she confronts her father and expresses how she feels about what happened in their family. To tell her to continue the estrangement is just keeping her stuck in unresolved pain. Margo, you really need to consider going to a 12-step program and discovering the importance of forgiveness. — Margaret M.

Dear Marg: Did you read a psychology book or something? You have in no way shamed me, and neither do I have unresolved issues, trust me. The young woman who wrote is perfectly comfortable leaving things as they are — as are many people living with estrangement. I am all for forgiveness if there is a possibility of going forward with a good outcome, but some people really are better off writing finis to a destructive and harmful relationship. You are operating under the assumption that any fracture necessarily equals "unresolved pain." It is a false assumption, and your note to me is spectacularly presumptuous. — Margo, huffily

This Is an Old Story, Hon

Dear Margo: I really need your help. I am trying to end a bad marriage (I think my husband needs to come out of the closet). While trying to make the break (it’s been 13 years and I am petrified of change), I have made friends and tried to make only "couple" friends — no single men yet because I don’t need the headache. This is my problem: The husbands of two of these "couple" friends have propositioned me. I really did not expect it. I now believe that my female friends (their wives) spilled too much of my personal information to their husbands without realizing that they have approached me! Obviously, I can’t tell the wives or I will have no friends at all to help me through my upcoming difficulties. But how can I socialize with them now? Are all men pigs? Is there a support group for me? — Thinking of Becoming a Nun

Dear Think: Not all men are pigs, and I know of no support group for the propositioned. I do know this: Some men think they are doing a divorcing woman a "favor" by offering their services. Do not feel you are the only one this has happened to. It is really common and just another truism — like "People who travel never need to buy soap." I don’t think you have to alter your social life at all. Just act as though nothing has happened in the invitation department, and if the guys on the make feel uncomfortable … well, so? — Margo, historically
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

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Read more about: Dear Margo, Family, Margo Howard, Marriage, Psychology, Relationships

172 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Ltr #1: While estrangement might be symptomatic of a mental illness, it is not often that estrangement is caused by mental illness. Also, to say that someone will never be at peace until she confronts her father is not true. It helps some, but not all. There are many ways to release anger and they do not always involve confrontation. [I’ll bet you also believe that kids who were incested should forgive the perpetrator, too. Also very wrong.]

Ltr #2: The sad fact is that too often married women are threatened by a single woman in the mix. Married men, as Margo stated, also seem to be first in line to help the single woman “get by.” Here’s the reality: friends, REAL friends, are the salt of the earth. There are a number of clubs designed for single people - and there’s no rule that says you must be ready for dating. They are simply social clubs. Try checking them out.

By Andrea Brandon on 07/23/2009 11:41 pm

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Agreed. Correclation is not causality. Mentally ill people are inclined to separate themselves from loved ones. So are people who are abused or abandoned. Of course, people who were abused or abandoned often are at greater risk of mental illness, often because they try too hard to convince themselves that the evil person really wasn’t so bad, and are used to thinking that bad things happen because they somehow cause it. In those cases, estrangement can be a saving factor.

By Cool One on 07/24/2009 12:46 am

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Define mental illness.

By Jennifer Michaels on 07/24/2009 9:20 am

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Jennifer,

If it’s in the DSM-IV it’s thought to be a mental disorder.

By Andrea Brandon on 07/24/2009 11:10 am

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All I saw in the person’s letter #1 was that they are swimming in their own pool of experience as perhaps does Margo. People with different experiences and different outlooks see things different ways. It takes quite a self-centered individual to declare an opinion right or wrong. Forums and columns such as these are only that—opinions. Margo has never claimed to be more regardless of how people try to elevate her. And in my experience with this subject, her opinion is right. ;)

By Karleen S on 07/24/2009 8:27 am

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I don’t always agree with Ms. Howard’s opinion, but from my experiences she hits closer to the mark than many psychiatrists. At least she doesn’t arbitrarily say, "take this pill and call me in the morning".

By Jennifer Michaels on 07/24/2009 9:22 am

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Karleen,

If you’re referring to my post I’m not sure what your point is.

By Andrea Brandon on 07/24/2009 11:12 am

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Sorry, Andrea, but incest is not a verb.

By Alice Bengel on 07/24/2009 9:00 am

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Sorry, Alice, but it is used as a verb in certain professions.

By Andrea Brandon on 07/24/2009 11:13 am

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I disagree with your lumping confrontation with forgiveness, as those two are very different. Forgiveness helps release the victim from bitterness and from feelings of inadequacy, self-directed blame, and self-doubt. Forgiveness allows the victim to realize that there IS indeed someone else at fault, and to realize that there is no reason to allow the perpetrator to control or even influence ANY part of one’s thoughts or emotions.

Confrontation rarely leads to anything positive like an apology, or even an admission of wrongdoing. In some cases it leads to redirected blame, more anger and resentment, and more deeply-rooted feelings of self-doubt and distrust.

Ltr #2: "friends, REAL friends, are the salt of the earth" … agreed!

By Nikolette C on 07/24/2009 11:13 am

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Nikolette,

I did not lump confrontation and forgiveness together. It was an analogy

Neither forgiveness or confrontation is always a constructive move and may be contraindicated. It backfires in too many cases.

By Andrea Brandon on 07/24/2009 11:53 am

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I apologize … the way it was written seemed as if you thought if a person believed the first statement, naturally the second statement would follow. ("If you like Red by Giorgio, you’ll LOVE this generic body mist!")

In any case, as someone who was a childhood victim of incest I would say that forgiveness does not truly have the potential to "backfire", although the steps one takes *after* forgiveness may. I have forgiven the perpetrator, which has freed me from builtup anger and resentment, as well as started me on the path of rebuilding my self-esteem. I don’t see the downfall here.

On the other hand, when I confronted her about it several years ago, she became outraged and insisted that I was the one who did those things to her. I actually began to question my sanity, until common sense and some other family members provided reassurance.

By Nikolette C on 07/24/2009 12:45 pm

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Nikolette,

Please, no apology necessary. In fact, I should be thanking you for showing me that I didn’t make myself clear the first time.

I’m of the mind that no incest or rape victim should ever forgive the perpetrator. Why give them something they don’t deserve? What does that REALLY accomplish for you? You shouldn’t be concerned about the perp - YOU’RE the one who counts.

The real objective is to overcome the hate so that you can move on with your life.

I think in a lot of cases, Nikolette, the word "forgive" is used out of context. In my mind to forgive someone is to approach him and verbally absolve him. Or write and absolve her. I think, especially in the case of incest or rape victims, that its not about forgiveness, but rather getting beyond the vile experiences and moving forward. And you do not have to forgive someone to do this. You only need to let go of the anger.

Letting go of anger can be done in many ways and forgiveness is not the only way. [They don’t deserve it anyway, remember.] What you have to do is find your way of releasing the anger and then hold your head high and rise above it all.

I’m not saying any of it’s easy. I AM saying that if "forgiving" them [absolving them] works for you, then great. But by no means should anyone think the only way to get over the anger is for absolving someone by some means of contact.

Look what happened to you. You ended up questioning your own sanity. So what was resolved? [I don’t need answers - I just hope you’ll think about it.]

Look at it another way: if you were a parent and your child was a victim of incest, do you honestly think you could forgive the adult?

By Andrea Brandon on 07/24/2009 3:23 pm

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I see what you’re saying. To me, forgiveness doesn’t have to mean any kind of resolution with the person, it’s an internal thing. I appreciate what you have to say, you have some really thought-provoking points.

By Nikolette C on 07/24/2009 6:41 pm