Letter 1

I think that intelligence, charm, and success are attractive to most all humans, so I don’t find myself believing that these happen to be off-putting to the particular circle of men the LW has dated. I suspect that her platonic male friend might have not told her the whole truth: all those things are accurate and wonderful….but….there’s this one thing…..

Most of my friends in life have possessed the same fantastic qualities as this young LW. The ones who had real troublegetting repeat dates always had some personality, physical, or behavior quirk that got in the way. I think of one friend in particular who was all of the above and more, but incredibly spastic in social situations.  I had another pal who was all that and more, but extremely overweight. 

My point is that this young lady is indeed probably all she believes herself to be, but she’s going to have to ask a close friend or two (both male and female) for the honest low-down. If she is willing to hear, and they are willing to be forthright, she can identify the real issue standing in the way. I guarantee you there is a real issue there.

Letter 2

For those of us reared in deep-South, old Southern ways, we are generally expected to accomodate close family from out of town. I can’t speak to the whole South, but it’s quite common here to put people up if they are immediate family. I think the real issue might be that she’s not crazy about her boyfriend’s parents so far. I don’t know if they are weird, hard to communicate with, or just cramping her style. For this particular letter writer, a hotel might be best if she’s not going to be able to keep a smile and be a happy hostess. I do believe that this is an issue that needs to be worked out while they are dating. Instead of writing to an advice columnist, her best bet would be some serious heart-to-heart with this man she loves. She may not get her way, or she may. The key is to talk it out and come to a compromise of sorts.

Hi Rejected,  As a fellow smart, strong and intimidating (their word, not mine) woman, I say be yourself and hang in there for the right guy.  I went through the every same thing (you can add tall and radio personality to that mix, basically assuring that men were terrified.)  I finally consulted my guy friends and that was the answer that I received.  On the other side of the coin, I had a sister telling me to dumb it down a bit.  That was never an option:)  I note that you are from the mid West…consider looking in different arenas where you might meet a different style of guy…it really does vary! Remember to never ever settle!!  Best of luck!  BTW, I was married in March!

As usual, I’ve enjoyed reading all the responses here, and I agree with many of them; I’ve tried to synthesize them with my opinions for one cohesive response for letter writer #1 to (hopefully!) read:

Since your friend is older and married, he has probably never observed you on a date, nor does he think of you as “dating material.”  He’s probably flattered you asked for his opinion (most people are flattered to know their opinion matters to others), and he gave you his best theory.  His theory sounds good to you because (a) it has gained social acceptance as an accurate theory because it is so widely-repeated; (b) it places the blame on the men you’ve dated instead of possible flaws/habits/behaviors in you; and (c) it corresponds to your view of yourself.  However, this doesn’t mean his theory is accurate; as Margo points out, “Girls and women who are good-looking, smart and know what they’re about actually are man-magnets.” 

Another observation I had was that you mention “Guys that have liked [you] become less interested and never call back,” but you don’t mention whether you liked any of these guys.  I am shy and don’t go out much, and I was usually so happy to have someone showing interest in me that I automatically accepted dates/relationships, only to find that I wasn’t really interested in the guy.  If this happens on your dates, either because you aren’t compatible with the guys, or possibly because you compare them to yourself and find that they aren’t as intelligent/articulate/goal-oriented/whatever and therefore aren’t interested, the guys could be sensing your lack of interest in them (even if you’re being nice) and backing off.

Other posts have suggested that you may, unintentionally, come across as aggressive or conceited or too intense. Are you announcing your good qualities, or letting them shine through?  We’re not saying you should dumb yourself down or give up goals, but I hope you’re not going on about intense life goals on a first date. The first date is a time to find out what you have in common, so if he’s a super-focused college student then talk about courses and tests or your future, but otherwise think topics like music, sports, hobbies, movies/television, etc.  And as Margo and other posts suggested, be a good listener and give your date time to shine.

#1 I would recommend taking a "likeability" quiz.  This quiz is based on research of personality attributes that correlate with likeability.  All the skills can be learned. The quiz is on a website related to a book by Tim Sanders, called "The Likeability Factor."

http://www.amazon.com/Likeability-Factor-L-Factor-Achieve-Dreams/dp/1400080495 

A reviewer says:

 Tim’s first book, Love is The Killer App, is one of the most influential books I’ve read in the past few years. The Likeability Factor is another winner from Tim Sanders. 

"The big idea of this book is that being likeable is extremely important because: 

"The choices you make don’t shape your life as much as the choices other people make about you." 

"People make choices using the following three steps: 
1) Listen - people can chose to listen to you 
2) Believe - people can chose to believe you 
3) Value - people can chose to value what you offer 

"Likeability affects all three. 

"There are four elements of likeability: 

"1) Friendliness. Friendliness is the threshold of likeability 
2) Relevance, how you connect with another person’s wants or needs 
3) Empathy (not sympathy) 
4) Realness or authenticity. Lack of realness, like lying, hypocrisy, or insincerity can suck your L-factor down. 

"The second half of the book covers raising your L-factor. While I will probably not get a leather "L-factor Journal" and carry it with me at all times, or repeat my "friendliness mantras" every morning, I found this part of the book the most fascinating. The exercises to raise your L-factor are not simple, and require quite a bit of introspection. I’m not remotely a soft skills touchy feely guy, but I really enjoyed the last part of this book. 

The Quiz:

http://74.125.95.132/search?q=cache:JV7XeqKI4nQJ:www.destinationmarketing.org/images/resource_center/T202_L-Factor_Quiz.pdf+Tim+SAnders+%2BLikability+quiz&cd=3&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us&client=safari 

Its just my opinion (and I know this has already been stated enough) that the woman in letter one has a real ego problem. I think if she has what she wants (as stated in her letter) all figured out then she probably sets her sights on men she thinks should be into her and has the shocking realization after a date or two that she can’t control other peoples emotions and reactions.

I say take a chance and try a different sort of guy or don’t go to every date expecting it to turn into a long term relationship. Loosen up and don’t expect so much from the guys-after all not many guys want to get tied down to someone so seriously while still in college.

#1) It took me a long time to find someone I was truly compatible with, and yes, there were a few toads along the way. I was a "smart girl".  Not "pre-law", but often labeled "dangerously intelligent". I was always, and still am, an excellent listener. I am also reserved (read "shy"). I got my fair share of attention, but I found that men usually underestimated me simply because I am not a left-brain, inductive thinker. I am more the intuitive type, and I have a BS meter that functions flawlessly. A lot of people, not just men, don’t like that. I think it is best to find someone who is on an intellectual par with you, but that doesn’t mean that you need to flaunt your assets. That is off-putting. Nor should one "dumb-down" as that is false advertising. I agree with those who counseled for listening a bit more. If you are a logical thinker, you will be able to analyze, hopefully to your satisfaction, what has been revealed by your companion’s stories, while giving them the opportunity to speak. If you are more intuitive, there is much you can learn from nuances of speech, body language and facial expression.

As far as assessing yourself for physical attractiveness, and finding for yourself on the plus side, there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. Given the writer’s immediate list of her positive qualities, perhaps she is tending toward the latter, which can be intimidating in either sex.