#1

So, how many strikes does it take until he’s out?  This needs to be a question you decide with your head, not your heart.  And since it will be your needs that are, or are not fulfilled in this relationship, you need to figure out the amount of strikes, and stick to it. It doesn’t matter what I think, or your mother thinks, or your friends think.  It matters what you think.  (Notice I said "think", not "feel.")

I would give this guy one more chance, but at the very next instance of a bone-headed choice, lack of honesty, you-fill-in-the-blank, I would leave him.  There’s the thought in the back of my mind that just because his ex-relationship calls you to say (essentially) that you are the other woman, doesn’t mean that she’s lying.  He says he was still taking her out to lunch.  Hello?

My soon-to-be-ex was charming and very compatible at the beginning.  While I would never unwish my children, I excused more things than I should have at the beginning of the relationship because I loved him so much, and because each individual action was excusable for one reason or another.  However, in retrospect, I should have run, run, run away.  Very far away indeed.  I found myself married to a man who no longer was charming, whose actions & comments I found reprehensible, and who had the personal responsibility of a newt.  (I apologize for the defamation of our amphibious friends.)

On a personal level, I am waiting until I am healed from the long, lingering death of my marriage before I start dating, as I want to meet my future possible partner from a position of health and strength, versus neediness and weakness.   As I’m not there yet, I’m not dating.

It concerns me that your boyfriend is making commitments while deeply depressed. For lack of a better phrasing at this hour of the night, who will he be when he feels better?  And, will he want you? Will you want him?

#2.

It’s not your wedding.  It’s not about you, or your opinion of the groom. Your job is to come, smile, congratulate, and pose for pictures.  If/when the marriage breaks up DO NOT SAY "We never liked him" as that will make her feel stupid in addition to heart-broken.   Say that you are very sorry, and ask how you can help her. 

Denigrating a loved one, or ex-loved one is never a wise move.  You don’t have to lie and say you thought he was a great guy.  But silence is golden.  There are some things in this world that shouldn’t ever be said.

Cheers,

Constance in the Sierra Foothills

Ltr#1:  Are you kidding? Get out of denial and run as fast as you can. You might also want to explore why you would be attracted to an emotionally unavaible man.

Ltr#2:   I cannot imagine anyone in my family dating an animal abuser, much less marrying one. My family is hard-wired for sniffing out people who harm animals. If by chance one slid under the radar screen and was marrying a relative, we’d probably all scratch his eyes out before the wedding.  But playing along with this story,  if I knew the groom abused animals, I would be sure to collect all information I could, in addition to plenty of literature on this disorder and give it to her before the wedding. I would explain to her that I could not attend the wedding  and why. I would also tell her that my home would always be open to her [without him] if she decided to leave. 

#1: Margo is WAY off base on this one!!! The guy has already struck out - multiple times.  Why keep giving him more chances?  Trust your gut.  He’s demonstrated to you with his behavior that he’s not trustworthy nor is he truthful.  What else does it need to take?  Use your head and protect your heart.  You already know what to do.

 #2: Attendance at a wedding DOES signify approval, so, why not just send a nice gift and your regrets?

Letter One: Depression can cause you to do some pretty stupid things, true, so if he’s been in therapy — or is willing to go — another chance doesn’t seem like a bad idea. Neither does marriage counseling or individual therapy of your own to deal with the understandable trust issues you have with him.

Letter Two: I think I’d be regretably unable to get the day off work or conveniently ill a couple days, including the day of the wedding — and act very regretful and send a lovely card and a token gift. That way you keep family harmony *and* your principles more or less intact. If you have evidence that the groom-to-be has done something illegal, make an annoymous call to the police or Animal Control, or annoymously send photos or whatever to the police station along with his name. I just wouldn’t say anything to the sister or the niece because if the niece hasn’t changed her mind yet, it’s doubtful anything you say is going to do it.