Dear Margo | 07/08/2009 11:00 pm

Dear Margo: My All-Time Most Unusual Letter

My All-Time Most Unusual Letter

Dear Margo: My best friend "Anita" told me a year ago that a woman had come forward to say she was her half-sister from a relationship their father had in his early 20s. Everyone welcomed "Penny" into the family, no questions asked. They included her in family events, photos — you get the picture. A month ago, Anita asked to come over and I could tell she was upset. When she arrived, she told me of the most horrible betrayal. She came home from college a day early only to find her dad and Penny having sex! Seems the "daughter" story was a cover so that her dad could include his stripper mistress in all the family activities. Anita called her mom immediately after catching them; Mom went home to confront Dad and Penny; and in the most cruel, sick way, he said he wanted to flaunt his "daughter" to the family because he was making up for lost time in the sex department, and had also bought her a car and paid for credit cards in her name. Anita’s mom has filed for divorce, and she and her brothers and sisters refuse to have any contact with their father. Anita has been going to counseling and was told that her father was pathological. She has decided to change her last name to her mother’s maiden name to avoid the shame caused by her father. This is a small area and everyone knows. I feel bad for my friend and have tried to be as supportive as possible, but some issues only a professional can deal with. She knows I am writing to you to warn others of wolves in sheep’s clothing. There should have been DNA testing, but the family trusted both of them. It is all so sad. — Aching for My Friend

Dear Ache: I suppose a DNA test would have been prudent, but I doubt that many men would move in a daughter-age stripper-mistress and try to pawn her off as a long-ago love child. This father/husband sounds embittered, sadistic and malicious, not to mention totally devoid of any humane feelings for his family. They are well rid of him, and I suspect, down the line, he will get his. Your friend is doing exactly the right things, and something useful you might do is keep reminding her that no one thinks less of her or her family. This story is all about her sleazebag of a father. — Margo, disgustedly

There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe

Dear Margo: I’m going to take a lot of flak for this opinion, but I must vent. I am so tired of women complaining of their tough lot in life because some man has left them and their five children. I am always seeing pleas for help from the single mothers with multiple kids. What are these women thinking? Some have no means to support themselves, never mind children. One accident I can understand. It happens. Maybe even two. But five? I know that bad things happen to good people, but use birth control, women! He’s not going to love you more if you give him a basketball team. In these hard times, it’s going to be even tougher for all concerned if you have a pack of children. I know I sound cold- hearted, but I work with preschoolers and see, daily, the results of women having children they don’t really want and can’t afford. — Climbing Down Off My Soapbox and Waiting for the Backlash

Dear Climb: I can’t say I disagree with you, but here’s the thing: Outside voices (yours, mine, Planned Parenthood’s) are not meaningful or relevant to women who are careless, negligent or thoughtless. And ordinarily, it is the woman who is controlling this situation, one way or another. If you want to be proactive on this issue, I suggest you work with your local school board to perfect a powerful sex ed program that stresses the facts of life. And I don’t mean birds and bees; I mean the responsibility that comes with a child. It is, of course, too late for the single mothers who already have the children. — Margo, practically

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

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121 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

#1. I don’t think this is true. If it is, I agree with Margo, but my antennae are twitching.

#2. I am college educated, and am tri-lingual. My first child was born on our third wedding anniversary. I was still left, utterly impoverished, by my soon to be ex husband. And this, close to my 5th decade, and after being very much were we should be on the path to a happy retirement a mere 4 years ago.

Bad men exist. So do foolish and/or trusting women. Me, I was married. I did everything right, and I am now, 20 years after my marriage, sweating bullets month to month to keep a roof over my children’s head.

What? You were talking about women who didn’t bother to marry first. Who maybe didn’t/couldn’t have an education? What choices do some people have?

I am entirely in favor of birth control. I thought the "Just say no" campaign utterly ludicrous.

My entire point is that if this can happen to me, with two children, and a fine education from one of the Seven Sisters, it sure as the sun rises in the East can happen to others with less opportunities. So, help in your community, versus complaining.

If it helps, my two daughters are utterly loved by me, my friends, and my community. Their father? Well, nothing they can do is evidently ever quite good enough to please him.

Constance in the Sierra Foothills

By Constance Plank on 07/08/2009 11:20 pm

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#1 It sounds bizarre but strange things happen all the time.

#2 I am a child of divorce and it has affected me my whole life to the point that I have never married. My prime example is my mother who is on her 3rd unhappy marriage. Although I have a sister who has been married 27 years and they seem to still be very happy while raising 2 daughters. One of the daughters is married to a Captain in the Army and the other one is still in college. They have had their problems but they are willing to go thru and not give up. So I have a sister who has only been married once and a brother who is on his 2nd marriage which seems to as unhappy as the first.

My father was a PhD and still was a loser who left his family high and dry. He left my mother with a apt building where 3 apartments attached had no tenants at the time and stoled the family piano and the silverware by deception on us children. Who would not trust your father as you are going to school to leave him in the house just to steal? So I can totally relate to you. He was very strange also, he refused to pay for college for me even though my mother put him thru school because supposely he put himself thru school.

I have a friend who had a daughter and her husband left her because she did not have a son which is the only sex of child that he wanted. He never sent child support or had anything to do with her daughter. This sounds like it might be the problem with your ex husband with his relationship with his daughters. They forget that they are the ones who have the power to make the sex of the child. His (your ex) loss maybe he will regret it but it does not seem possible.

I applaud you sticking with your children and supporting them on your own.

By Rachel M on 07/09/2009 12:18 am

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Constance, if you are, as I read, in your 50’s, whyOwhy do you have to provide a roof over your grown children’s heads?

mayhaps I’ve misunderstood the time-table you provided. what happened to raising children to leave "the nest" when they graduate from school?

By Debbie Learman on 07/09/2009 1:48 am

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Her fifth decade would be her 40’s, not her 50’s, and she said she was "close to" her fifth decade, so she’s in her fourth decade, which is her 30’s.

By Alice Bengel on 07/09/2009 8:45 am

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I’m 48. My daughters are 14 and 17. They haven’t finished highschool yet, so it seems premature to push them out of the nest quite yet. They’ll be heading on to college soon enough.

I waited to have kids until I was established in a lucrative career, with a good marriage/husband etc. Sigh.

By Constance Plank on 07/09/2009 10:50 am

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I hear ya Constance! I, on the other hand, was raised to graduate hi-school, get married and have children. I wish I’d been more rebellious…my 3 kids all went to and paid their own way to college and all married college graduates and now are really good parents..I also was a single Mom, even when I was married! His mistress was the farm. The best thing I ever did for my kids was get out.

I’m sorry about the "age" thing, when you said you were just a few years from retirement, that’s what threw me. Looks like your daughters have a great role model in their momma.

Best to you Constance.

By Debbie Learman on 07/09/2009 11:01 am

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you know debbie, not all kids feel the need to move and out leave home. we come from a southern upbringing where the whole family is a village. my mother took care of my grandmother til she died (she looked after me while my mother worked), i took care of my mother til she died (much too young at 56) and my kids are now taking care of me. not everything is cut and dried about the children leaving the nest. one of my friends said "why do your kids still live with you? why don’t they move out?"

my response was, "they aren’t living with me. I’M LIVING WITH THEM! they are taking care of me (actually we are all equal since the last move and we take care of each other)!" my daughter needs help with my grandson because altho they were engaged to be married her fiance dumped her 3wks before she found out she was pregnant. it was a surprise, but a most wonderful one and my grandson has brought a lot of joy to both families lives. my son is mentally disabled and i take care of him as he takes care of me. families do that and no child should have to leave the nest if the family unit is happy and comfortable with that. i will never suffer from empty nest syndrome as my family will make sure i am well cared for in my retirement and my ailments. my grandson will have a loving support system there to teach him manners, love, discipline and family values.

family is what matters, not who lives where or such!!!

By Nancy Pea on 07/09/2009 9:01 pm

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I’m glad you are happy w/your living arrangements, Nancy, you are the exception to what I was referring to, anyway.

I’m talkin’ people who’s children are not being held accountable, live w/parent (s), leave the grandkids so they can go out and party, or because of drug use, crime, can’t keep a job (if they can even get one), want to play games on the internet vs working, etc etc etc. I hear from other women ALL the time, whining where did they go wrong raising their children? That this is suppossed to be their Golden Years and they are stuck w/a housefull, and paying ALL the bills, food, gas, doctors, etc etc…I know this is happening…this is NOT the same as taking care of a parent, grandparent, or a special-needs child/adult. That is what I meant by my remark about raising your kids to leave the nest after schooling.

I also took care of my grandpa, until he died…for 17 years, we lived about 10 miles away, he wanted to be independant! Whether it was a daily drive to town to help him, or every other day or sometimes all day …always w/a smile..and hugs…he taught my kids Dominoes, which made them better in Math and Chess. Which helped them to excel in school and college.

And for the saying that it takes a village to raise a child, I do not believe that…..do you honestly think Mrs Clinton (who I believe is the author of that idea) would ever allow anyone to take HER place raising HER daughter?? I think NOT! Just as I never had the schools or the church raise my children…I did, it was MY responsibility! As my grown children are raising their children, not me. I get the hugs, kisses and love, cuddles and giggles and whispers….and then they go back to Mom & Dad.

By Debbie Learman on 07/09/2009 10:02 pm

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cool. it sounds like i took what you said out of context. i stand (or sit as usual) corrected. i do believe in some ways that it does take a village to raise a child. when i was growing up, if you did something wrong and you weren’t home, that person either marched you home or went to your home and told your parents what happened. after they scolded you, your parents scolded and punished you and you had to apologize to those you offended and pay for any damaged caused. there was no back talk, no BS and especially no whining or threats. you ass was grass and you knew it.

i have had to deal with disrespectful, rude and even threatening children over the last 30yrs. i have even gone to the parents about their childrens behavior. did they do anything about it? no, sometimes i was told i had nerve even bringing their little lawbreakers deeds to their attention, if they even believed it happened at all. my kids (who are now in their 30’s) were raised the old school way. disrespect was NOT tolerated and neither was property damage. to this day my adult children still are respectful of adults. my daughter knows she cannot yell at her son’s other grandmother. if she has a problem she usually has me address it if it sounds rude or she approaches politely about it and discusses it calmly no matter how upset she is. i wish her son was as mannered with me. but i know it’s not because she didn’t try to raise him right.

as for most of those friends complaining about how their kids act. a lot of it is how they are raised. 3/4 of this countries population are raised without discipline and a lot of parents either use tv as a babysitter or the kids fend for themselves. when i ended up working two jobs and had to be away most evenings i ALWAYS knew where my kids were. i would call and check on them EVERY break and lunch. if they didn’t answer the phone there was hell to pay and i would leave work early if i had to. NOBODY was allowed in our house when i was out. PERIOD. they weren’t allowed to answer the door if i wasn’t home. even if the police came by they had to call me and i would call the station to make sure why the police were at my door. in san francisco home invasions even back then and rapes were perpetrated by ppl dressed at officers.call me paranoid, but i was strict and to this day my kids are safe. in fact they still check in with me and except me to check in with them b/c they worry about me and i think it’s sweet.

ppl complain, they say they are at home, but they arent when i call their cell phone. well, then make sure you ONLY call the home phone. if my kids went over somebody elses house i had to meet the mom, check out the residence and get the phone number. i knew all about the "i’m at suzies house" when they are really at suzies buddies BFF’s house across town getting into trouble. if i called suzies house, they had better be coming to the phone and that was that. so if they are going to whine and complain about their kids not listening or doing things right, usually they have to look at how they raised them. yes, there are exceptions to that rule and some kids just cannot be controlled. but not the majority!!!

By Nancy Pea on 07/09/2009 10:46 pm

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Well-said, Constance and thank you for adding more to the narrow picture. Also, I take exception to Margo’s statement that it is usually/almost always the women controlling this baby-making situation.I am appalled, in fact, in light of her recent big post of gained awareness/understanding and reversal of opinion about domestic violence victims and survivors. Did she not really "get it" about how many victims there are and how planned pregnancies/ birth control go out the window in such marriages which include forced sex(rape), and complete control over the victims lives? Let’s not forget the grown survivors of childhood sexual abuse where the word "no" is not really even a functional operative word in their vocabulary unless they have done a lot of healing &/or therapy and it actually "took" and helped them create what sometimes for them is still and may always be uncreate-able: BOUNDARIES. So many of these survivors may seem very accomplished and "together"; but the partners they end up with and the dynamics in the bedroom are often completely dysfunctional, damaging and abusive or controlling. Then there are the adult survivors of sexual assault. Did you know how many women don;t ever even report it or go get counseling of any therapeutic length of time? Now…just how many of these women, Margo, do you think really have a good sense of their use of their own fertility and the missing boundaries that should be their birthright to go along with it? I speak from experience as one of these women from both childhood and then later even after therapy, from adulthood, because anyone could still end up as a victim of random crime — and now as a seasoned licensed massage therapist who has worked on countless survivors as my clients and the painful helplessness they reveal as they share problems in their lives as I massage them and work with them to re-establish a connection to authentic ownership of their bodies. I can’t tell you how many times they have told me stories of just "letting him" or faking orgasms, or all kinds of things that they do where they have been turning their bodies over for someone else to use for pleasure as if they MUST. And that is my point: there are a number of women birthing babies because they are still, internally, standing like Bambi in the headlights, frozen in PTSD. Help for these women both prevents unwanted pragnacies, and heals lives, but also prevents future victims of sexual abuse and domentic viloence as they would then be able to raise their own children with good boundaries.

By Rosemary Celeste on 07/09/2009 3:33 am

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Rosemary - I think she was referring to the fact that a woman has the choice to be on birth control pills, which are extremely effective in preventing pregnancy. Not foolproof, but almost. So whether a woman is raped or a victim of domestic violence, if she is on bcp, she most likely will not conceive a child from it. And the percentage of unmarried pregnant women who are victims of rape or domestic abuse are extremely low.

By Amy Walsh on 07/09/2009 8:55 am

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BCPs are great if you are a woman who doesn’t get them thrown out from her possession by an abusive controlling partner. You are sadly quite incorrect and uniformed in regards to your statement "…the percentage of unmarried pregnant women who are victims of rape or domestic abuse are extremely low…" Women’s rape/abuse/crises centers, abortion provide and others know differently: there a LOTS of victims. LOTS.

By Rosemary Celeste on 07/10/2009 3:31 am

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Constance, So you have a great education and you’ve been divorced for years. You haven’t said anything about how you tried to use that education to support yourself. Perhaps one of the issues in this debate is the expectation that a woman stays home and is supported by a man. When that man decides to walk away, the woman is left with no devices to support herself. Some pre-planning might help. Education is a good start. What have you done to make yourself employable? The current economic situation makes this even more challenging but in your case, it sounds like 20 years after your marriage you are left high and dry. Something is missing here.

By Barbara on 07/09/2009 7:54 am

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I’m sorry to have been so unclear. I am not yet divorced- we’ve been separated for almost 2 years. I will not explain the circumstances of why we are not yet divorced, but it was both necessary, and the divorce is finally on the horizon.

I’ve certainly not been sitting idly around all these years, expecting some one to support me, although running a household and raising a family *is* hard work, because I did that, too, single-parenting 1 to 2 weeks a month for the last 16 years.

I had an excellent hi-tech business which I started 20 years ago. I asked the husband to join me 19 years ago, as he hated his job and "I could support him until we found him some consulting work." The business eventually shifted from computer component sales, to selling his consulting and training classes. The subject was sendmail, which is at a very high-altitude of techo-geekdom. I could sell the classes, and speak intelligently to the clients, but I certainly can’t teach it!

The husband, as he became progressively mentally ill, started throwing the business away deliberately about 4 years ago. At that point it was a sellable concern, but while he didn’t want the business, he didn’t want to give it up. Of course, the house was also sellable at a good profit then, too! Even though he hated it here, and hated the house, he didn’t want to sell it, either.

My case is a bit unusual in that I have a passive/agressive spouse who was doing his best to make sure we were left with nothing. (Bad Scarlett O’Hara imitation, "I’ll never ask a spouse to join a business of mine again, nor will I ever comingle funds with a spouse again!") He moved in with his parents almost 2 years ago; they are in their 80s and live in his child-hood home. They are taking care of him, rather than vice versa. After three years of not working, he just got a job, and is *finally* paying some child-support. (It took both the inlaws efforts and mine to get him out of the house. He hated it here, hated me, but he didn’t want to leave.)

I started a new career selling life insurance, LTC, disability and health insurance three years ago. I also earned two securites licenses: series 6 & 63, which allow me to sell mutual funds, and I’m working on my 22, which will allow me to sell real-estate investment trusts, which I very much like in this down market. Had I started this as my business 20 years ago, I’d be in fine shape, since I’d have the network of relationships that would bring me steady clients.

Unfortunately, this is not a great economy, and you can work very hard for a long time before you build up enough clientele to make a good living in life insurance.

So, no. I was never a stay at home mom. I never expected my husband to support me. In fact, before I had him join the business, I consistely out-earned him. The difficulty is that I was left with an unsalable house, and two peoples worth of debts- most of it his- and a smaller, one person income.

My point was that you can do everything correctly by the books, which I did for years, and you can *still* be left high and dry.

Mental illness is a hard thing.

By Constance Plank on 07/09/2009 11:36 am

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Constance- Keep your head up. You seem to be doing a wonderful job dealing with a difficult situation. I think, and sincerely hope, that the letter-writer’s rant was not meant to be applied to admirable women like you or many of the other women commenters have written in about. Unfortunately, there are some women out there whose difficulties are a direct result of their own actions, and I believe they SHOULD be held accountable. (See my rant in another post about my sister and my fiance’s exwife.) Best of wishes to you and your daughters! :)

By Alicia M on 07/09/2009 11:57 am