In regards to letter #2, seriously?!  It’s all the woman’s fault that the man she chose to have children with left her? Were these women married to the men who left them?  How does the writer of this letter know the women didn’t want these children? Maybe they are complaining because the man left them high and dry after years of being together.  Also, again, who says the children were accidents? I’m sure they wouldn’t appreciate them being called accidents, even if they are complaining about the state of their life. Also, maybe when the woman chose to have the children with her partner, they were able to afford them.  It’s a fact that a lot of people who were married and then divorced, their finances change significantly, especially for those who were not working, haven’t worked in a long time and now must work with what they can find if they haven’t worked in a long time (perhaps since having the children).

But, to assume the children were not planned or not wanted is presumptive and ignorant. Maybe instead of being judgemental, try to find ways to help the women out so they can better their lives for themselves and their children.

And for Letter #1, I feel sorry for your friend and her family.  I hope she can get the help she seeks.

I agree with LW2. Now, I am very sympathetic to people who "did everything right" like the first commenter, and also very sympathetic to the many people who are far from perfect but try their best like everyone else— for example, having children intentionally because they truly think they’re in a lifelong relationship, only to find that it doesn’t work out the way they hoped and dreamed despite their best efforts.

Okay. However, as LW2 has seen, it appears that many people, men and women, don’t factor in finances or future prospects at all when they get pregnant, nor do they apply any common sense at all to their choice of a partner. So many people get pregnant or get other people pregnant at the drop of a hat without any thought or concern for the consequences, and then either neglect the kid, give it away to someone else to take care of, or keep it but do a rotten job of rearing it. Other people are nicer than that but are in denial beyond belief— just look at all the letters to advice columnists from people who are in relationships with partners who are nothing short of awful, yet "I love him/her and think that s/he loves me too, deep inside, and things can work out if only s/he would…"

Judgments are not black and white. It’s not an insult to people who are as I described in the first paragraph to observe that many others are thoroughly irresponsible or culpably stupid and are dragging down our society with their careless actions— not to mention giving their children very poor role models. I’m socially liberal— strongly pro choice (I wish more people would use that option, frankly), pro gay marriage, and in favor of providing a social safety net for people who are in trouble through no fault of their own (layoffs, floods)— but part of the bargain in a caring society is that people also take responsibility for their own lives. Live within your means, think before you act, strive to lead a good life, and apply common sense. ANYone who chooses to have a large family is even more responsible than usual for thinking very carefully and seriously about how to support that family if various unfortunate events happen: disability, death, divorce. That’s part of being a grownup. With rights come responsibilities.

There will always be a fringe of people who don’t do well in any system, but it’s worrisome that our culture now shrugs at the ideals of responsibility, commitment, and foresight. I’m sad to see that anyone who points out irresponsible behavior, like LW2, is pilloried and accused of vilifying hard-working, high quality people who have only been the victim of circumstance. Yes, volunteering to help in your community is important, but it doesn’t require you to assume blindly that everyone with their hand out is an angel in disguise, or to suppress your good judgment when it tells you that the people in front of you are manipulating the system and leaving a trail of wrecked lives behind them in the process.

I got pregnant because I didn’t feel like getting my arm broke after telling him “No” for the umpteenth time. I got pregnant because it was a choice between making the rent payment and getting any kind of birth control. Keeping my legs crossed was not an option. Long story short, I left his name off the birth certificate, gave the kid away *and* walked out on him, may he rot in hell.

Wow, lw2 specifically says she is tired of the complaints of women who were LEFT by the fathers of their 5 children, as though that is somehow within a woman’s power to prevent or predict.  Who in their right mind would have 5 children with a man she didn’t think would stick around?  Who is this mysterious woman Margo says is in control of that event?  I have exactly 5 children, from a marriage I worked hard to nurture, and found out after 11 years of marriage that my husband had been unfaithful multiple times all along.  Guess who is raising our five children on her own on $60 a month child support now?  I have poured my heart and soul, blood sweat and tears into the care of my children.  How would a sex ed program have ever prepared me for more responsibility than that?  Margo, you and lw2 both really took a stab in the dark with those comments, and jabbed people whose lives you have no clue about.

To the second letter-writer:  Have you actually talked with the mothers of your preschoolers and found out why they are in that situation?  Like some of the commenters here, maybe they just got a sleazeball of a husband without knowing he was so bad.  Maybe they could afford birth control, but theirs failed and the guy didn’t use a condom.

My mom and dad divorced when I was 4.  They both are highly-educated people, and had good jobs (now retired).  Yet, even with all that, they struggled to support themselves and me while sharing custody.  If my parents had trouble providing for a child after a divorce, how much more so for others starting out with less?

To Margo, regarding your comment on the second letter:  When is it just the woman’s fault?  That thinking went out of fashion ages ago.  Now, sex ed classes teach that it’s the responsibility of both partners to have and use birth control!  As well, in most relationships it is not the woman who controls when to have sex and when to have children.  Those decisions are usually made by the man, or jointly.

Better advice for this woman would be to talk with the mothers of her preschoolers and ask them if she could help, not to preach at them.  She also needs to be educated on the real costs of divorce and of having your partner leave you:  money, income, rent, other bills, plus having the income of the other person gone.  Add in the costs of raising children and providing for them on the same income.  How would either the letter writer or Margo do that?