Dear Margo | 07/08/2009 11:00 pm

Dear Margo: My All-Time Most Unusual Letter

My All-Time Most Unusual Letter

Dear Margo: My best friend "Anita" told me a year ago that a woman had come forward to say she was her half-sister from a relationship their father had in his early 20s. Everyone welcomed "Penny" into the family, no questions asked. They included her in family events, photos — you get the picture. A month ago, Anita asked to come over and I could tell she was upset. When she arrived, she told me of the most horrible betrayal. She came home from college a day early only to find her dad and Penny having sex! Seems the "daughter" story was a cover so that her dad could include his stripper mistress in all the family activities. Anita called her mom immediately after catching them; Mom went home to confront Dad and Penny; and in the most cruel, sick way, he said he wanted to flaunt his "daughter" to the family because he was making up for lost time in the sex department, and had also bought her a car and paid for credit cards in her name. Anita’s mom has filed for divorce, and she and her brothers and sisters refuse to have any contact with their father. Anita has been going to counseling and was told that her father was pathological. She has decided to change her last name to her mother’s maiden name to avoid the shame caused by her father. This is a small area and everyone knows. I feel bad for my friend and have tried to be as supportive as possible, but some issues only a professional can deal with. She knows I am writing to you to warn others of wolves in sheep’s clothing. There should have been DNA testing, but the family trusted both of them. It is all so sad. — Aching for My Friend

Dear Ache: I suppose a DNA test would have been prudent, but I doubt that many men would move in a daughter-age stripper-mistress and try to pawn her off as a long-ago love child. This father/husband sounds embittered, sadistic and malicious, not to mention totally devoid of any humane feelings for his family. They are well rid of him, and I suspect, down the line, he will get his. Your friend is doing exactly the right things, and something useful you might do is keep reminding her that no one thinks less of her or her family. This story is all about her sleazebag of a father. — Margo, disgustedly

There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe

Dear Margo: I’m going to take a lot of flak for this opinion, but I must vent. I am so tired of women complaining of their tough lot in life because some man has left them and their five children. I am always seeing pleas for help from the single mothers with multiple kids. What are these women thinking? Some have no means to support themselves, never mind children. One accident I can understand. It happens. Maybe even two. But five? I know that bad things happen to good people, but use birth control, women! He’s not going to love you more if you give him a basketball team. In these hard times, it’s going to be even tougher for all concerned if you have a pack of children. I know I sound cold- hearted, but I work with preschoolers and see, daily, the results of women having children they don’t really want and can’t afford. — Climbing Down Off My Soapbox and Waiting for the Backlash

Dear Climb: I can’t say I disagree with you, but here’s the thing: Outside voices (yours, mine, Planned Parenthood’s) are not meaningful or relevant to women who are careless, negligent or thoughtless. And ordinarily, it is the woman who is controlling this situation, one way or another. If you want to be proactive on this issue, I suggest you work with your local school board to perfect a powerful sex ed program that stresses the facts of life. And I don’t mean birds and bees; I mean the responsibility that comes with a child. It is, of course, too late for the single mothers who already have the children. — Margo, practically

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

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121 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

I have known men who were on par with the "man" (and I use that term loosely) in letter #1. It does happen, more often than you may think.

As for letter #2, I can see both sides of this story. I have a family member who is a retired social worker and could expound on this matter at great length. There is far more to this issue then most people will ever know. And yes, there are times when it is the woman’s fault: When she tells her man she is on birth control, and in fact is not.

The day mainstream birth control for men goes beyond condoms will make a huge difference in society, I believe. Instead of creating ways for them to have sex, (read: Viagra), we should concentrate more on contraceptives for men.

By Dana Pulley on 07/09/2009 4:30 am

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I don’t think LW2 was talking about ALL women who have kids and then end up single. She was talking about the ones who get pregnant and then say "oh well…." and the ones who have the kids and use the tv as a babysitter and then go out partying, never work on a career or learn how to fend for themselves.

Also, I am sick to death of people who say "I couldn’t leave him." Yeah, you could… you just chose not to. Everything else is just excuses. And before some of you start to jump on me saying that I don’t know what I’m talking about… my dad was emotionally/somewhat physically abusive to my mom and older siblings (his step-children) and she left, my first step-father (THAT sounds bad) tried the same thing, got kicked out. I’ve had more than my fair share of men try to sexually abuse me both when I was little and in my teens, and you know what? I told them to back off and I told on them.

The problem is that these women choose to be irresponsible and choose to stay in abusive relationships, and choose to not have a job. EVERYTHING in your life is chosen by you! EVERYTHING! Where you live, who you live with, your job, etc. If you don’t like something, change it! I am SICK of excuses and I am sick of people who were raised poorly making our country into one filled with un-educated imbeciles.

BTW- LW2 never said that she preached to anyone, she just wanted to vent. Ultimately, she knows that nothing she says will have an effect on these people.

Sorry, for the bitchy tone, but I am fed up!

By Shannon Pringle on 07/09/2009 4:47 am

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Dear Shannon,

You are over-simplifying the concept that "everything in your life is chosen by you." True, a woman in a relationship with a no-good man can always leave. And, I applaud that you and your mother have both had such a large sense of self-esteem in order to prevent any sexual and/or physical and emotional abuse.

But, some people don’t have that same foundation. For every person who has a story like yours is another person with an opposite story. Without a proper support system, how can you choose to leave? To choose to prevent sexual abuse? Its like being miserable at a job… sure, you can quit if you are so miserable. But, if you don’t have extra money saved up or you don’t have good job prospects, do you really think you are going to make that choice? No, you will probably stay where you are at. I read something about domestic abuse recently on this website—I think it was by Margo—and the writer did a good job explaining it. Might want to check it out.

I was molested three times in my life, and I would have a hard time with the logic that I didn’t choose to tell on the perpetrators or to stop them so therefore I had the power to stop them or escape or whatever. That’s way too simple for something so complicated. Now, that I am in my 20s, I still have a hard time discussing the situation with a therapist. How could I discuss it during childhood? Most children don’t have the capacity or the vernacular to discuss what happened or to fully comprehend it. Where’s the choice for me in that situation???

By Elle E on 07/09/2009 7:37 am

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Sorry, wish there was an "edit" button on this forum. The point I was trying to get across was that there are choices, but they aren’t always realistic or as simple as just choosing to leave, etc.

By Elle E on 07/09/2009 7:45 am

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Elle - I’m really sorry to hear your story. What’s worse is that even if you HAD told someone, there’s a good chance that nothing would have been done. I know of a child who is accusing a relative of touching her sexually and CPS won’t do anything about it because there is no ‘physical’ evidence and they won’t talk to her until she’s three (which she will be in 5 weeks so ‘hopefully’ she will say something then, although it’s doubtful because this relative has 5 weeks to convince her to NOT say anything - she lives with this relative).

By Amy Walsh on 07/09/2009 9:33 am

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Dear God that poor little thing. I’m saying prayers everyday for this little one. And CPS can be such a joke sometimes. I understand it’s because there are so many situations and not enough people, but I’ve seen circumstances that more than required the children to be taken away and weren’t and then people calling for frivolous reasons and parents having to fight in a situation that never even existed. For example, my dad had CPS called on him when I was a kid because he "left us in the car alone". Ummmm he was standing right outside the door and it was for all of 5 minutes!!!! The lady that called had a really messy divorce, hated all men, and was trying to convince my mom to leave my dad. Needless to say my parents will be celebrating their 28th anniversary next month.

By krista griffin on 07/09/2009 1:17 pm

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Agree with you Elle E…I was molested and I told and IT WAS POOH-POOHED away and ignored, then the family was told that "I imagine things" completely discounting any further chance for "telling"…so then it continued and there was no where to run to since I was only 4 and a half when it started. This made for destroyed boundaries before I was even in kindergarten… and also gave the message that I should never tell again or seek any help. And I didn’t until way after I was married. I had married a man with no regard for my sexual boundaries either, but he "looked OK" because he wasn’t as bad as what I was running from (so I couldn’t tell the difference and the alikeness) and he hid it until we were married and far away from friends and support in another state. It took me years of therapy and getting away from him to realize the damage he did, as wel las the family member, as well as the next few guys I ran to seeking a "safe" place. Now I am finally there, "safe"…I believe.

By Rosemary Celeste on 07/10/2009 3:49 am

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#1 - Be glad you friend is rid of him. He’s a spiteful hateful man and not worth having around.

#2 - Bad things sometimes happens to good people. On the other hand, there is something annoying about people who constantly blame others for the consequences of their lives. Life happens to them like they are not an active force in it. Everything was because it was someone else s fault. Someone has to help them and rescue them again and again and again. Like they are professional victims. Enough with the fairy tales already. A knight in shining armor is not going to magically appear and fix it so you live happily ever after. You’ve got to slay your own dragons. And if all your relationships with men are just one disaster after another, then stop trying for awhile and focus on taking care of you and your kids and do not count on someone else to get you out of your problems. When you have some self respect and are proud of your achievements and your survival skills, you’ll be pickier about the men you let into your life and throw some out because they are not worthy of you. Will you be fooled? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. Once you’re a mother you’ve got lives depending on you and not for your dating abilities. Being a mother means putting your children before your need for another relationship. There are some mothers who won’t do this and they just leap frog from one bad man to the next. They are determined to remain victims no matter what anyone says.

By B Clark on 07/09/2009 6:51 am

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well said B Clark! I agree!

By Debbie Learman on 07/09/2009 11:22 am

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Margo’s comment on sex ed, "And I don’t mean birds and bees; I mean the responsibility that comes with a child" is EXACTLY right. If people really gave serious thought to what child-rearing involves in both financial cost and personal effort, they might be more responsible about controlling when to have children, and how many. The big winners in a well-planned family are the KIDS.

As for all the hollering "Why is it the woman’s fault?" Do not be lulled by politically-correct thinking that "this is the responsibility of both partners." Ideally - sure. But last time I checked, it’s the woman who gets pregnant, not the man, so take that up with God or Darwin. Until men start accidentally getting pregnant, the woman had better take charge of herself since she assumes 100% of the risks and inconvenience of pregnancy and childbirth. Biology rules.

As to men who walk out: my Dad, a widower and single parent, taught me after my Mom died that no one can really count on ANYONE other than themselves. He spoke from experience, being completely alone in the world with two small kids in tow. Even with the best of partners, death can always intervene, so you had better ALWAYS be ready to go it on your own. That means: get an education, have a means to support yourself and your children, and don’t have so many kids that you can’t support them all!! Common sense, people!

By Lila Kuh on 07/09/2009 7:02 am

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Letter #1: OMG. :-O That is mind-boggling. And the family instantly accepted "Penny," included her. I wouldn’t have 1/3 of such luck being a genuine daughter from a prior relationship coming in… Those two scumbags deserve each other, and I reckon in the end they WILL "screw each other." Pardon my French.

By Cindy Marek on 07/09/2009 7:05 am

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Letter #2: That is indeed sad. A former acquaintance was neglectful of his wife; I think her wanting/having 5 children was a sad effort to continue "holding" him. He had a penchant for Barbie Dolls - which she was not. I pity the wife, who continually behaves as though she’s half out of her head to keep him "corraled." He’s neglectful of her, the kids; I doubt appreciates a thing.

By Cindy Marek on 07/09/2009 7:11 am

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letter 1 Your friends family is so much better off without this jerk in their life.

letter 2 Lack of education has a lot to do with these womens situation.

By S G on 07/09/2009 7:14 am

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about LW1, I agree it might not be true, still, if one person can think it, anyone can do it, the world is strange and people stranger.

on LW2, bravo to the sex ed comment, if we had good reality education in schools, how much things cost, rent, food, kids, and good sex ed with how it really happens and help in avoiding that by good access to contraception, things would be better. Not perfect, but better.

btw, starting your fifth decade can mean you have passed your 40th birthday.

By john masefield on 07/09/2009 7:29 am

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Ltr 2 - I think you’re generalizing a little bit. I’m the oldest of my mom’s 5 children, and I have a different father from the other 4, but we were all planned. My mom and step dad were high school sweethearts, and met again later after my biological father and mom divorced (he’s in jail). My step dad raised me, and over the 15 years they were together they had 4 more children. No, my mom didn’t graduate college. She was going to school when our house burnt down, and my dad left her for the druggie whose father lent us a camper to live in until we found a rental. I’ve seen him 4 times in the last 8 years. My mom raised her five kids on $8 an hour, and yea, $130 dollars a month from the government. I was 13, and I cleaned, cooked, and babysat while she worked her 60 hours a week. I’m almost okay with what my father did, as disgusted as I am with him and anyone who cheats, because with everything my family went through we ended up closer than we ever would have been, and I’m a better, stronger person for it. I hated the responsibility then, but my siblings are like my own children, and my mom is my best friend. I wouldn’t trade that for anything. Is my mom technically the "uneducated" white-trash single mom? Yea, technically. But she’s the most amazing woman I’ve ever met and we couldn’t ask for a better mom. It’s easy to judge from the outside.

By Nichole Parris on 07/09/2009 7:32 am