Dear Margo | 07/08/2009 11:00 pm

Dear Margo: My All-Time Most Unusual Letter

My All-Time Most Unusual Letter

Dear Margo: My best friend "Anita" told me a year ago that a woman had come forward to say she was her half-sister from a relationship their father had in his early 20s. Everyone welcomed "Penny" into the family, no questions asked. They included her in family events, photos — you get the picture. A month ago, Anita asked to come over and I could tell she was upset. When she arrived, she told me of the most horrible betrayal. She came home from college a day early only to find her dad and Penny having sex! Seems the "daughter" story was a cover so that her dad could include his stripper mistress in all the family activities. Anita called her mom immediately after catching them; Mom went home to confront Dad and Penny; and in the most cruel, sick way, he said he wanted to flaunt his "daughter" to the family because he was making up for lost time in the sex department, and had also bought her a car and paid for credit cards in her name. Anita’s mom has filed for divorce, and she and her brothers and sisters refuse to have any contact with their father. Anita has been going to counseling and was told that her father was pathological. She has decided to change her last name to her mother’s maiden name to avoid the shame caused by her father. This is a small area and everyone knows. I feel bad for my friend and have tried to be as supportive as possible, but some issues only a professional can deal with. She knows I am writing to you to warn others of wolves in sheep’s clothing. There should have been DNA testing, but the family trusted both of them. It is all so sad. — Aching for My Friend

Dear Ache: I suppose a DNA test would have been prudent, but I doubt that many men would move in a daughter-age stripper-mistress and try to pawn her off as a long-ago love child. This father/husband sounds embittered, sadistic and malicious, not to mention totally devoid of any humane feelings for his family. They are well rid of him, and I suspect, down the line, he will get his. Your friend is doing exactly the right things, and something useful you might do is keep reminding her that no one thinks less of her or her family. This story is all about her sleazebag of a father. — Margo, disgustedly

There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe

Dear Margo: I’m going to take a lot of flak for this opinion, but I must vent. I am so tired of women complaining of their tough lot in life because some man has left them and their five children. I am always seeing pleas for help from the single mothers with multiple kids. What are these women thinking? Some have no means to support themselves, never mind children. One accident I can understand. It happens. Maybe even two. But five? I know that bad things happen to good people, but use birth control, women! He’s not going to love you more if you give him a basketball team. In these hard times, it’s going to be even tougher for all concerned if you have a pack of children. I know I sound cold- hearted, but I work with preschoolers and see, daily, the results of women having children they don’t really want and can’t afford. — Climbing Down Off My Soapbox and Waiting for the Backlash

Dear Climb: I can’t say I disagree with you, but here’s the thing: Outside voices (yours, mine, Planned Parenthood’s) are not meaningful or relevant to women who are careless, negligent or thoughtless. And ordinarily, it is the woman who is controlling this situation, one way or another. If you want to be proactive on this issue, I suggest you work with your local school board to perfect a powerful sex ed program that stresses the facts of life. And I don’t mean birds and bees; I mean the responsibility that comes with a child. It is, of course, too late for the single mothers who already have the children. — Margo, practically

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

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121 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

I’m responding to L2. Unfortunatly, I have a family member who kept having kids and kept having kids until there were 6. She knew the guys she was with ( 4 fathers ) were not good men and the only reason she stuck it out with them was because of petty things that seem important but really weren’t. She abused the system and kept having the kids to get more money. She knew she couldnt take care of them. She lived with ehr mother and asked to borrow money all the time from the family ( the reason we stopped talking) and then when she would get the money she wouldn’t use it on what she said she was going to. I used to just go and buy the doapers or whatever it is she was asking for and I urged others to do the same. She was never with these children, out getting tail or whatever it was she was getting and always left the children with someone else, then when she would finally come home, she always complained that she had it rough and that she hated having so many kids but yet she didn’t believe in birth control at all… yeah I know! Add a few more years of this and she went to jail, my mom got the kids and she is taking care of them, its a struggle but she went from being single to being a mom of 6! I know that it’s hard for her but I help the way I can. The point of this story is to see two angles of this story… On one, she knew that she was never around for these kids and made everyone else raise them ( we weren’t gonna let the children starve or go without just because their mom was irresponsible) and then cried and whinned that she has it so rough even though she blew the money on whatever and her flavor of the week and the poor kids had nothing. The second is someone who cries it’s hard but actually does something about it. Yes, it is hard for my mom but she went from having 3 grown children to having 6 kids ranging from 15 to 6. But she does what she can, no they don’t have every toy out there, but they are in a loving, caring, and stable home. So I understand frustraions when people see women "nagging" but some women just do it for attentiona nd some are just blowing off a little steam. I personally believe that only have as many kids as you can afford because it’s not fair to them or you. Now I’m not harping on anyone, I’m just telling a few stories so please don’t think I’m being mean. But yes there are women out there who have kids to collect a check one way or another. Others thought they were gonna live happily ever after and for those women I am sorry. But it doens’t just happen to women, it happens to men too when the the wife leaves, dies or is proven not to be a good mom. So yes before you just, you don’t know that stroy but unfortunatly, I know, it’s not always a good one.

By Stephanie Denman on 07/09/2009 12:35 pm

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Had to weigh in on the 2nd letter. Until you’ve walked a mile in a single mother’s shoes, keep your opinions to yourself! Until you know the entire story of a mother and her children, don’t make such harsh and fast judgments. Jesus is attributed as saying, "He who is without sin, cast the first stone." And I believe Confucius is attributed with, "He who lives in glass houses should cast no stones." Similar sentiments from two religious figures.

I was married for nearly 15 years to the same man who is the father to my children. We were together for years before that. I had no reason to believe we’d ever divorce when we had our children. I was always the sole breadwinner in the family, pulling down well into the 6-figures for the past 20 years in a company I started and built.

Now we’re divorced for various reasons, not the least of which was his descent into drug use and abuse of the kids.

It doesn’t matter that I am well able to afford my children or our lifestyle, I still get flack from narrow minded people about being a single mother with a fleet of children.

By Jeannine Ritter on 07/09/2009 12:37 pm

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I believe that you divorced for the right reasons for the protection for the kids. They are lucky that they have such a loving mom.

By Rachel M on 07/09/2009 2:10 pm

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Thanks, Rachel. It’s nice to hear a supportive voice. :)

By Jeannine Ritter on 07/09/2009 8:39 pm

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If someone is not playing a joke on Margo, I simply cannot believe a man who would do this has never demonstrated a vestiage of his pyschosis in past behavior. It was sick, demented behavior and sorry, but we are who we are most of the time. People just have to pay attention.

By Victoria J on 07/09/2009 1:52 pm

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#2, you stay up there on your soapbox. Right on, sister.

By Stephanie Samuel on 07/09/2009 2:16 pm

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It’s really sad how so many generalize us and try to peg us all into a lil hole. I have 7 children. No they were not all planned. Yes, I’ve heard of birth control. I was on it, and still got pregnant, FOUR TIMES. I took my pills faithfully first thing in the morning before I got out of bed. After each time the docs upped my dosage. I had all the side effects that come with bc, and still got pregnant. I am married to my second husband now. (My first divorce was not sticky or hateful it was just something that happened because life happened) I have never received a dime of child support. Nor did I pay any when any of the kids chose to live with their father. I never graduated college either. But, I have always worked my rear off to provide for my children, as did their father when he was able to work. We did whatever it took to keep a roof over their heads and food in their bellies. It was hard, damn hard. But we did it because, first off we love our children and secondly, children don’t ask to be born.

It’s a parent’s job to suck it up and do WHATEVER it takes to provide for their children. Our youngest just graduate high school and starts college in the fall. My ex is disabled and wheel chair bound. 10 yrs ago I was diagonosed with Multiple Schlerosis and Trigeminal Neuralgia. Life goes on, you either suck it up and choose to go with it or you can lay down, roll over and play dead. It is what we make it by the choices we make. No one should judge another from the outside. We all should be busy looking at our ownselves and making sure we are the people we truly want to be. If not then do something about yourself. Lend a hand to someone that is down, don’t kick them and walk away with scorn & judgement.

By Beth D on 07/09/2009 2:34 pm

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I agree with you Beth, you should suck it up and deal with it, however, I do not believe that the women the writer was referring do anything of the sort.

I feel that if you complain daily about the same things, yet do nothing to fix those problems, then you’ve lost your right to complain (or at least my obligation to empathize or help you). Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. You’re clearly not one of those people.

I think the women that the writer was discussing were like the woman I heard in line at the supermarket who informed her friend that she was quitting her job to collect her checks from the government now that Obama was president. And that does not get my respect or my support.

By Stephanie Samuel on 07/10/2009 1:25 pm

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I taught first grade for six years. I cannot count the number of times a woman with a first grader and a baby on the hips came into my classroom complaing that the father was an ass. If he was an ass for five years with the first one, he was still going to be an ass with the second one.

By Connie Rauch on 07/09/2009 2:36 pm

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I know this is kind of random, but I used to have a teacher with Rauch as the last name (I don’t know if this is your real name, but it reminded me of her). After I left the school district, I kept in contact with her. She was one of my favorites. I don’t remember what grade exactly but maybe 3rd grade. Anyways, seeing the name made me smile with good memories :)

And I agree about the whole ass thing :D

By C J on 07/09/2009 9:57 pm

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LW1: Now that takes the cake !

LW2: Every circumstance is different. I came from a very large family, thanks to the rhythm method before birth control pills were invented. If you listen to my mom she’ll tell you her rhythm was off. I chose to have 2 children when I grew up and to make sure I had no unwanted pregnancies I had a tubal ligation at 27. When my children were teenagers I told them about the dangers of unwanted pregnancies and the sacrifices they would have to make in their lives should they choose to go that route. I had an ‘open door’ policy with my children that I would trust them to come to me when they felt that they were ready to have a sexual relationship. Come to me they did. My daughter was taken to a gynocologist for her first pap smear and put on birth control. My son was given condoms. I actually had a basket in my home where condoms were kept so that if any of their friends needed protection they could have it with no questions asked. End result: No unwanted pregnancies by my children or any of their friends. They all grew up, went to college or found good paying jobs, got married, or stayed single. They are all in their 30’s now with not one unwanted pregnancy. My daughter chose to have 2 children, my son one child. Because of my open door policy with them, my daughter has started the same policy with my eldest granddaughter who is almost 15. She is not at the point in her life where she feels that she is mature enough to have sex but has promised that she will come to my daughter when the time is right for her. Promiscuous sex is not condoned but responsible sex is.

By Dawn Smith on 07/09/2009 3:29 pm

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Come on, people. The #2 comment is generalizing about women who put zero effort into preventing pregnancy despite not having enough money or a stable environment in which to raise a kid. It wasn’t meant to insult every woman who’s ever gotten a divorce and been left to raise her children on her own. And here’s the thing - even if you do have enough money and security to raise multiple kids, who really needs more than a couple? The world is going to be so amazingly overpopulated by the end of the century due to people reproducing like rabbits and longer lifespans. Why add to the problem by having four or five or six kids? It’s irresponsible.

By Amy Kelley on 07/09/2009 4:13 pm

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Or 8 at one time? I hear you sister !!

By Dawn Smith on 07/09/2009 4:41 pm

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How about 18? (This being the Duggar family)

Yes, I know they are debt free, yada yada. But 18 kids is still a helluva whole lot. In comparison to that, 4 or 5 kids is nothing.

By C J on 07/09/2009 10:11 pm

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CJ,

I couldn’t even imagine having that many kids ! Coming from a large family I learned ‘selective hearing’ or I would have gone nuts just from the noise. It’s not just about the finances either. How do you give that many children your undivided attention and meet your childrens’ psychological needs ? I know personally that I was the second oldest and got alot of my mother’s nurturing but my younger siblings never felt that way and were nurtured by us older ones. My mom told me that after putting in 40 hours of work, cooking, cleaning and sewing our clothes she was too burnt out.

By Dawn Smith on 07/10/2009 11:21 am