Dear Margo | 07/08/2009 11:00 pm

Dear Margo: My All-Time Most Unusual Letter

My All-Time Most Unusual Letter

Dear Margo: My best friend "Anita" told me a year ago that a woman had come forward to say she was her half-sister from a relationship their father had in his early 20s. Everyone welcomed "Penny" into the family, no questions asked. They included her in family events, photos — you get the picture. A month ago, Anita asked to come over and I could tell she was upset. When she arrived, she told me of the most horrible betrayal. She came home from college a day early only to find her dad and Penny having sex! Seems the "daughter" story was a cover so that her dad could include his stripper mistress in all the family activities. Anita called her mom immediately after catching them; Mom went home to confront Dad and Penny; and in the most cruel, sick way, he said he wanted to flaunt his "daughter" to the family because he was making up for lost time in the sex department, and had also bought her a car and paid for credit cards in her name. Anita’s mom has filed for divorce, and she and her brothers and sisters refuse to have any contact with their father. Anita has been going to counseling and was told that her father was pathological. She has decided to change her last name to her mother’s maiden name to avoid the shame caused by her father. This is a small area and everyone knows. I feel bad for my friend and have tried to be as supportive as possible, but some issues only a professional can deal with. She knows I am writing to you to warn others of wolves in sheep’s clothing. There should have been DNA testing, but the family trusted both of them. It is all so sad. — Aching for My Friend

Dear Ache: I suppose a DNA test would have been prudent, but I doubt that many men would move in a daughter-age stripper-mistress and try to pawn her off as a long-ago love child. This father/husband sounds embittered, sadistic and malicious, not to mention totally devoid of any humane feelings for his family. They are well rid of him, and I suspect, down the line, he will get his. Your friend is doing exactly the right things, and something useful you might do is keep reminding her that no one thinks less of her or her family. This story is all about her sleazebag of a father. — Margo, disgustedly

There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe

Dear Margo: I’m going to take a lot of flak for this opinion, but I must vent. I am so tired of women complaining of their tough lot in life because some man has left them and their five children. I am always seeing pleas for help from the single mothers with multiple kids. What are these women thinking? Some have no means to support themselves, never mind children. One accident I can understand. It happens. Maybe even two. But five? I know that bad things happen to good people, but use birth control, women! He’s not going to love you more if you give him a basketball team. In these hard times, it’s going to be even tougher for all concerned if you have a pack of children. I know I sound cold- hearted, but I work with preschoolers and see, daily, the results of women having children they don’t really want and can’t afford. — Climbing Down Off My Soapbox and Waiting for the Backlash

Dear Climb: I can’t say I disagree with you, but here’s the thing: Outside voices (yours, mine, Planned Parenthood’s) are not meaningful or relevant to women who are careless, negligent or thoughtless. And ordinarily, it is the woman who is controlling this situation, one way or another. If you want to be proactive on this issue, I suggest you work with your local school board to perfect a powerful sex ed program that stresses the facts of life. And I don’t mean birds and bees; I mean the responsibility that comes with a child. It is, of course, too late for the single mothers who already have the children. — Margo, practically

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

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121 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Aside from birth control choices, women also have the choice of abortion. Yes, there are some women who are forced to get PG and deliver, but they are few and far between. There is a much higher percentage of women who have total control. There are those who claim to be on birth control when they are not, by the time they are PG the man is trapped. There are those who claim they can’t get PG, once again he is trapped. Flip that around to the pregnancy was planned only she changed her mind, so she murdered (aborted) THEIR child without even telling him until it was too late. He still suffers over that one, and it was almost 10 years ago. Needless to say he told her to take a walk as soon as he found out……………..I have known a few women who were tricked by men as well. Men who claimed to be sterile. The bottom line is that as adults we are all responsible for ourselves, men and women alike.

I just read what Rachel M wrote: "My brother-in-law’s first marriage was not what he wanted and his ex disappeared with his daughter so he was unable to send support for his daughter. The daughter when she reach 18 reconnected with him and he helped her thru college since he was not able to support when she was growing up."

THAT happens all the time!!!!!!!!!! An who is hurt the most when it happens? The child! The mother here wanted to hurt her husband, and she did, but she did more damage to her child than anyone else. The child she is supposed to protect and love, not destroy. She couldn’t look past her anger long enough to see what she was doing, or didn’t care. Only the selfish can’t put aside their own feelings to do what is right by their child.

By Jean B on 07/09/2009 5:48 pm

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Dear #2 Letter Writer: No matter how much a man and woman love eachother and carefully plan a family, divorce can still happen. 1 kid or 7 kids, 1 year married or 20 years married. It really can happen to anyone. And I mean anyone — even you someday. So my best advice is to never depend on someone and always have means to support yourself. Or just don’t bother having kids — then you will never run the risk of being clumped together with other poor, clueless women by your daycare provider…

By Christina P. on 07/09/2009 5:51 pm

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#2 Unfortunately, an irresponsible person tends to stay that way if they are rewarded for such behavior. If they don’t have to go out and earn a living or take care of their kids because the government will do it for them - why should they bother using birth control? I know several single parent families unfortunately they all happen to be relatives.

Here is what I’ve found: all of them had kids in high school or soon after. Instead of stopping there and taking responsibility for themselves or their child every single one of them went out and had more kids!

One of these single moms has three kids. She has never lived in the same house or held down a job for more than six months. She continually moves from state to state and double collects benefits claiming residency in more than one state. When the state finds out they do nothing except transfer the case to her current state - she is not held accountable for anything. Food stamps, cash assitance and rental assistance all because she chose to have three kids she is unwilling to support. Add that to the child support she collected and bragged about, she was earning well over $2,000 per month for pumping out kids she didn’t even take care of.

Another of these ‘moms’ now has a total of 4 kids (2 different fathers), she even managed to get a Habitat for Humanity home out of the deal. She managed to sell the house for a profit, farms her kids out to various family members and still gets benefits and child support. She’s all about the next ‘great’ man in her life. Her 17 year old daughter just had a baby and she brags to everyone how they are so alike.

It truly disgusts me when I go to the grocery store and see a ‘mom’ with a cart loaded full of junk food, talking on an iPhone, using a food stamp card while her kids are dressed in ragged clothes with no shoes. Any hour of the day you can walk through the local Winco or Walmart Superstore and find that same ‘family’.

There is no personal accountablity these days. The children of these types of parents end up just the same. Out of the two families I spoke about, not a single child has gone on to achieve anything. They are the next generation of irresponsibility.

By T Dem on 07/09/2009 7:42 pm

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I wanted to ask you a question about the woman who can’t hold down a job or live in the same house for more than 6 months. It just strikes me because my mother has done this her whole life until I was 14, when she was diagnosed with a mental illness (and my mother had 8 children by the age of 31). Have you considered this friend may have a mental illness, such as Bipolar Disorder? I am not excusing her behavior; using the system is a very poor thing to do. However, it may explain her inability to hold down a job or stay in one place or even finish a semester of college. I know the one thing my mother did was move to one new place after another, so I was just wondering. As of several years ago, she is medicated and has stayed in one place for the past 3 years now and held down the same job.

As for everything else, I agree. I see the same thing and it does make my blood boil. The system is there for those who really need help & many, many abuse it. I take some comfort in knowing that in the state of Ohio, while they won’t deny you food stamps if you really need them (and for no certain length of time), you can only get cash assistance for 36 months in your ENTIRE LIFETIME. Plus, in order to receive them, you must also work. So, really, the states need to work on restricting access to a time limit while still helping those who truly need it, since asking for people not to abuse it will not solve anything.

By C J on 07/09/2009 8:26 pm

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This woman is simply irresponsible. The reason she moves so often is because she does not pay rent or bills. Her first priorities are cigarettes, gas money and beer. If there is any money left over after that she’ll pay bills. She is one of those people who always has something better coming up so she quits a job because she’s going to move on to something else. That something else never manifests. She managed to get a Phlebotomist license but again she only worked a few months before she was fired.

There are only two cities that she lives in but she only lives in them for a few years before moving back to the other one. Her usual M.O. is to move to town A and stay with friends (her and the 3 kids), she stays until they kick her out then gets a place of her own (her mom will put down the deposit) when she finally wears out her welcome (usually 2 years) she will move back out of state and repeat the cycle there. Her mother is an enabler and gives her money. Another reason she job bounces is because she is in debt and she quits when the debt collectors find out where she is and start garnishing her paycheck. She often works under the table and has set up daycare in a few of her apartments. At least three times she has claimed worker comp injuries, one time she was only on the job for a month.

She also likes to turn mole hills into mountains. Recently her teenage son, Joe, was at a friends and flipped a four wheeler. His back was sore for a few days but then he was fine. Joe went to a friends house and helped do some yard work and tweaked his back again. Joe lived with his dad and she lived two states away. He called her and she said he needed rushed to the hospital to be x-rayed. She called the school, told them his father had abused him and demanded he be taken to the hospital. A welfare check was done on the father. The only thing wrong with Joe was a pulled muscle for which they prescribed ibuprofen and a muscle relaxant. She called and told everyone including Joe’s fathers mother that Joe had broken his back and the father was not providing medical care. If she’s got anything wrong with her its a case of Munchausen by Proxy - although I don’t think she’s every inflicted physical harm on anyone. She just likes drama and attention that people give her if something is wrong.

By T Dem on 07/09/2009 9:40 pm

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Ah, I see. Well thanks for answering my question. She definitely seems like she tries to avoid any personal responsibility, which is a shame. No matter what, for anyone, avoiding responsibility will not keep it from catching up with you.

By C J on 07/09/2009 9:51 pm

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I’d also like to say that I understand every situation is different. Not everyone is an abuser of the system but there seem to be a lot of people these days that take advantage and it taints the system for all. My mom was a single mom, she worked hard and showed my sister and I the importance of an education and a strong work ethic. All of us are still close to this day.

It’s rather ironic that she did a better job of supporting us as a single mother then when she remarried. But that’s another story!

By T Dem on 07/09/2009 10:03 pm

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Margo,I think the first letter is from Yale. As to the second some women have more than one child out of love not because they are lazy and stupid and yes some women marry men who turn out to be bums.

By Elizabeth L on 07/09/2009 9:32 pm

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LW#2: i married and raised two children back in the early 80’s. i had to divorce my husband and go on welfare (no, i didn’t graduate as my mother raised me to be a wife and mom and i thought it was right because i didn’t know any better). i did go to school but had some apptitude problems. i still managed to work and get off welfare for a long time. i was one of the few mothers that told welfare i was working and actually got their support so i could get off it. others were working and still getting welfare because they didn’t report their income. but they were usually caught and dealt with.

my ex husband paid a pittance for child support but we struggled thru anyways. not everybody is self serving and going out of their way to have a million babies. maybe if we got rid of this stupid "abstinence" BS and educate the nations girls about unwanted pregnancies we might get somewhere. but there will ALWAYS be those in society that don’t get the point and that are baby factories. that cannot be helped and we just have to deal with it. SO get a life and instead of condemning, try to uplift and help ppl. a little goes a long way!!! (or as the old saying goes "you get more flies with honey, than vinegar!"

LW#1: i wouldn’t be surprised at all that this asswipe of a father did that. it’s sick, nasty and mean. but some ppl are just not right in the head. yes, they should have asked for a paternity test. but most ppl take things are face value. at least the family at the time was gracious enough to do the right thing in the first place. too bad the father was a total heel (at this point tho, i wouldn’t be surprised to learn the mistress really was his daughter, i wouldn’t put it past him to do something incestuous also, bastard), but remember what goes around, comes around and he will get his. it just might not be as fast as you would like! just keep close with your family and enjoy that bond you do have with them. i’m also wondering what his own family thinks about this? were they taken in also? unless he is an orphan, most ppl have their own family and how did he pull it off with them!

By Nancy Pea on 07/09/2009 10:59 pm

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another thing i forgot to add. why should only the rich have children? if most of us had to wait to have kids we would never ever be able to start a family. as margo said, "there will always be poor". but i do not believe lack of money should stop someone from having a loving family. this country was born on immigrants MOSTLY poor. so take a look back at your ancestors and see if you should even be here yourself!

By Nancy Pea on 07/10/2009 12:08 am

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I know young women who are not getting along with their husbands and tell me they plan a divorce then…..they are suddenly pregnant. Yes, they have the baby and leave their husbands but why do they carelessly put themselves in these positions. It happens so often and it drives me crazy.

By Lindy Finestein on 07/10/2009 7:04 am

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I don’t know what this says about me, but regarding letter number one: I immediately identified that type of man and have heard stories like this, with minor variations, for some time now. Once I asked a psychiatrist about men who do these things to their seemingly loving famiies…actions that I call "pulling down the temple." Basically aging men who are so ego driven that they see themselves growing old, know they will be dying, and their vanity needs to destroy the family unit. If they aren’t around, take it all down with you when you go. Men like this are sadistic narcissists. I thought about writing out a few stories I know like this, but the thought of having to voice it depresses me, knowing they did these things to their family. All I can say is. I believe that letter. Every word of it. And I wish I could be still innocent enough to say, "Oh. That couldn’t be true." Unfortunately, life has taught me, "Yes. It is."

By Washington Cube on 07/10/2009 1:37 pm

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appreciations

By jarry jarry on 07/11/2009 1:46 am

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For #2, I have only one thing to say. The only time my ex was not physically abusive was when I was pregnant. He beat his exes and was arrested for it numerous times. When I became pregnant, he stopped pushing me around. I thought that it was because he loved me more than them and would never hurt me. After my son was born, he tore stitches, left bruises and pushed me to the ground. I left when I realized that the situation was never going to get better. Luckily I had a wonderful family and friends to turn to. Some of the other girls he abused were not so lucky. Honestly I think you need to reevaluate your opinion. Women in abusive relationships need support, not condemnation.

By teresa harris on 07/11/2009 6:17 pm

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I am commenting on the dad bringing in the girlfriend as a second daughter.

I still think they need dna testing, I immediately considered that the girl was a daughter, but dad & her started the incestuous relationship, having not raised her as a daughter, the normally boundries are not so present, girlfriend probably did not have a dad, so she again does not have clear boundries. And now they are saying she was just a girlfriend to cover their incestuous relationship. (actually think I saw this on a law & order or a movie) Just a gut reaction.

By debbie dunn on 07/14/2009 6:17 pm