Dear Margo | 03/19/2009 11:00 pm

Dear Margo: The Booby Prize of Boyfriends

Her boyfriend is a creep … ‘Anonymous’ gets virtual love letters from a man who’s clueless … Margo Howard’s bright advice

By Margo Howard

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The Booby Prize of Boyfriends

DEAR MARGO: I have been in a relationship for three years. We are both 33, never married, no kids. He lives with his aunt and attends college. I live alone and we see each other on weekends. He has always been opinionated and insists his way is always right, but recently it’s been getting worse. He tells me things like, "I don’t give a rip about your feelings" and "Your opinion is stupid." I’ve heard the last one plenty lately. I’ve given this man my time, love and money, and have received this poor treatment (with attitude) in return. I have been the best girlfriend I can possibly be, but it’s never good enough. He finds fault in the smallest details and has threatened divorce even though we’re not married! He has broken up with me three times so far. He is losing friends because of his attitude, and he’s about to lose me. There are some good things about him, but they do not outweigh the bad. I don’t know where all this is coming from. I hate to give up on him since we’ve invested so much time together. What do I do? —- DEDE

DEAR DE: You cut your losses, hon, and as the farmers say, rotate your crops. Forget the time you’ve already invested and concentrate on the time you have in front of you. To stick with him is the romantic equivalent of throwing good money after bad. I cannot figure out what’s kept you in this punishing, if not masochistic, relationship for three years, but you are young enough to chalk him up to experience (a bad one) and invite him to inflict his charms on another young woman. You might want to look into why you’ve spent three years being a doormat for Mr. Obnoxious. —- MARGO, UNAMBIGUOUSLY

Delusions Sent by E-Mail

DEAR MARGO: Please help me with this. I’m in my early 20s and have been in a committed relationship for two years. Nothing to complain about there. The problem is my former boyfriend’s friend, who seems to think he’s in love with me. At first I was flattered, but told him kindly I had no plans to leave my boyfriend. I had never done anything to make him think I was interested in him. Over the past few months, however, he’s repeatedly sent me messages saying the same thing and implying I might feel as he does. I responded as I did before, telling him to please forget about it. That doesn’t seem to work. If I ignore an e-mail, he’ll send another one. Nothing works. It’s to the point where I’m really glad he doesn’t know my address. We live in different cities, so at least I don’t ever bump into him. Obviously this guy has a problem, because I’m not the first girl he’s done this to. He seems to mistake friendliness for flirting — but I seem to be the only one he continues to pester. I don’t want to try for a restraining order because I don’t think he’s a threat to my life. How do I get him to stop? I’m starting to feel like I’m in one of those crazy Lifetime movies. —- ANONYMOUS

DEAR AN: This chap is obsessive about women, and now he’s obsessing about you. There is clearly a screw loose when someone is told "no" but imagines it is really "yes." I suggest getting a new e-mail address so that the next time he tries to be in touch with you it will bounce back. Perhaps technology will stop him whereas your demurs could not. —- MARGO, PRAGMATICALLY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

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Read more about: Advice, Boyfriends, Dating, Dear Margo, E-mail, Love, Marriage, Relationship

66 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

To the young lady in the first letter… you’re saying that your beau has changed a lot, recently, and is now losing friends. While I agree with Margo that it’s time to get out and cut your losses, I would also suggest that you speak with his aunt (if you’re on good terms with her) or someone else who will still be in contact with the young man, and suggest that they look into the possibility that he’s either taking drugs or suffering from some sort of minor mental illness. People don’t suddenly change like that without an "outlying" factor like drugs or a chemical imbalance. It sounds to me like there might be something else at work, and perhaps if that’s ‘cured’, he might be worth revisiting some day. Good luck!

By Kerri Ebright on 03/19/2009 11:31 pm

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perhaps steroids — that can make a guy want to strangle his own mother

By Christina P. on 03/30/2009 9:35 am

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A bad boyfriend does not magically transmogrify into a good husband. For that matter, a good boyfriend doesn’t necessarily become a good husband- I learned the latter fact to my grief.

But I can guarantee that a man who starts with "I don’t care about your feelings" and "You are stupid" isn’t worth continuing the relationship with for even another second. Get a grip, and let him enjoy the eventual benefits of karma. (I await karma myself with bated breath.) If you go to the well over and over again, and your bucket comes up empty…it’s time to look for water elsewhere!

Constance in the Sierra Foothills

By Constance Plank on 03/19/2009 11:32 pm

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LOL - Karma, and the repetitive nature of human beings. Or, as my mother used to say "Time wounds all heels."

By Frannie Em on 03/21/2009 2:06 pm

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I agree Constance Plank this guy is bad news. Get rid of him! He’s an abuser. It starts with verbal abuseand threats——followed by—— pushing and shoving ——then outrght beatings. Thank your lucky stars you’ve only wasted three years with him. You have a lot going on for yourself. You’re pursuing higher education, you have your own apartment and finances. Why are you so desparate? I assure you ou can do better! You’ve already stayed far to long. Women make a huge mistake believing they can change their partners. He’s not worth it.

By L. C. on 03/21/2009 4:48 pm

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By L. C. on 03/21/2009 4:48 pm

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Corrections——-I assure you—you can do better! ———-outright notoutrght——-

By L. C. on 03/21/2009 4:52 pm

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Goodness, Margo! These two letter writers have to be related somehow.

LW1: Why do you think this guy is worth saving? If you didn’t, you would not still be with him after three years. Love is all around (to quote the Mary Tyler Moore theme song, by the way, a DVD you may need to rent about a single girl making it on her own). Any man who makes you question your self worth should be out of your life quicker than saying the words. Afraid of being alone? Don’t be! At least you’ll be in good company (your own) and not with someone who has to make himself feel better by making others feel small.

LW2: Call your police department. I had this happen to me a few years back and I called my police department and talked to a very nice police lady who called the man in question and told him, point blank, that if he contacted me again, in any way shape or form, that I would prosecute him for stalking. He stopped. Sometimes just hearing it from a figure of authority helps. Margo’s advice about changing your email is good, but it can be a hassle. The other thing to look into is seeing if you can block the sender… but I still think a call from a friendly Person in Blue might just be the reality check the young man needs.

Happy Friday to all: have a great weekend!

By nanchan u on 03/19/2009 11:39 pm

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I agree. It seems that Margo was a bit easy to dismiss him as not being a threat. He is - whether you feel threatened or not! I would definatly tell the police, bring the e-mails and have someone in his city contact him. I would also ask if they can get a restraining order - just in case. Although he seems harmless now, the longer you go rejecting him, the worse off he could get. You never know what could set these people off - if they start to believe you really are rejecting him, he could get violent. If you go to the police and nothing happens - great! But I’d rather you be safe than sorry! And yes, most e-mails have a Block Sender link. Or throw him in your junk mail!

By bright eyes on 03/20/2009 8:04 am

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having dealt with a female stalker of my infant grandson i can totally agree. we ended up calling the police and making a report. we live in a small town (it’s growing, but still pretty small) and we would run into her and her family all the time and they would fallow us all over the store and then talk crap about us in her online blog. well, after the police talked to her she changed her tune. now, when she sees my grandson with us her and her family stare straight ahead and walk away fast.

the police said that they saw no threat. but that they had a report on file. i know they read them the riot act b/c both their blog got taken off for defamation of charactor and they are afraid to even look at my grandson as he was running around the store (luckily we have moved across town and shop at different stores now, so we don’t run into them). but it’s VITALLY important to make that police report. this person might not have a record yet, but neither did my grandson’s stalker, but she finally crossed a line and that report will serve if she ever tries it again.

documentation is important. even if this guy never does anything getting a police report about it documents it so that if it escalates you have proof. b/c without proof, it’s just your word against his. PLEASE make that report.

By Nancy Pea on 03/20/2009 10:59 pm

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Excellent advice Nancy Pea! I was also thinking she should change her email address. Thank God she’s in another city!

By L. C. on 03/21/2009 4:56 pm

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it’s a pain to do it. but i think your suggestion is correct. he might just be biding his time thinking she will get over being mad at him. stalkers think differently than ordinary ppl. rejection can be just as much a turn on as acceptance. ppl do not realize just what lengths a stalker will go to get info. they will even pay huge amounts of money to get information on their latest target. even a tidbit of info gets them totally excited.

By Nancy Pea on 03/21/2009 5:14 pm

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great advice nanchan u….but….wait….you and Margo both said to drop her e-mail..all you have to do, is BLOCK his addy on your computer/e-mail server. why should you be the one that is discomfitted? I like your idea of having the police call him, and telling him to stop, and while she’s at it, she can tell the jerk he is blocked from her e-mail.

By Debbie Learman on 03/20/2009 12:16 pm

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Blocking sounds like the solution. When he discovers he’s rejected in his frustration hopefully he’ll stop.

By L. C. on 03/21/2009 5:02 pm

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I was thinking the same thing with regards to the email address for LW2. It is so much easier to just block the sender than change the email address and it should still bounce back to them as being rejected.

By Andrea Henderson on 03/21/2009 11:37 am