LW1:

No need to angrily confront or stare down the ex.  That just gives him more of what he wants.  I had an ex-boyfriend who hung out where I couldn’t miss seeing him after we broke up…doing things we hadn’t done while dating to accomplish this.  When I started acting natural and ignoring his presense, he stopped showing up. 

About a year later, my sister talked my boyfriend (now fiancee) and me into volunteering with her at a local annual function.  Guess who was on the team of volunteers our team worked with all the time (relieved each other for dinner and worked together during the busy couple of hours).  The first couple times, he came over to me and chatted like nothing had ever happened and had a great time watching me be distressed about it (the first time must have been pretty comical, once I reallized who he was).  The third time, I walked over and chatted with him up like nothing ever happened: he fled, and never showed up again. 

When you are no longer scared or disturbed in his presense, your ex will probably stop showing up.  If you can force yourself to act naturally in his presense (not looking to see where he is all the time) and talk to him if it’s socially awkward to ignore him (he’s standing in front of you or walks into the group you’re chatting with), try it.  Once he perceives his presense means nothing to you and won’t change your behavior, he’ll probably quit showing up, or at least stay away from you.  Should work on the ex-MIL, too.

If you can’t pull this off, or if he tends to violent abusiveness, I’m with the folks who say explain the situation to the daughter, if she isn’t already aware of it, and stay the heck away.  Self defense courses are a great confidence booster and could come in handy if the instructor knows it is for street use, not competition.

I disagree with part of Margo’s advice to Sandy.  Margo wrote, "Does she know of the abuse? If she doesn’t, she should be informed…"

What concerns me is that children, even adults, should be protected from the details of their parents’ fights, especially when sexual matters are involved.  While I think it’s a good idea to tell the daughter that physical and verbal abuse took place, I would beg Sandy to please be careful about how many details she revealed.  She will be talking to an adult, but also a daughter, and she will hear the details with a child’s mind. Sandy should tell her no more than she would tell a child.

I experienced verbal abuse while married, and I know that it can be worse than physical abuse because there is no physical wound to point to as evidence for other people to see.  Plus, the abuser often can be charming to others, further compounding the unbelievability of the abused’s story. 

My reaction to the letter also is influenced by the fact that 14 year have passed since the divorce, and Sandy is remarried with another child. It sounds to me as if she’s having a Post-Traumatic Stress reaction to being in her ex-husband’s presence.  There is help!  She can heal these wounds with the help of a therapist who knows about trauma.  Then she might find herself going to these family gatherings, sitting back, relaxing and being the one to look across the room with knowing eyes, making direct eye contact with her ex and his mother — and smiling, because she knows the truth and she knows her strength, and she knows that eventually there will be justice for the cruel ones of this world.

Dear San,

 Your grown up children are not obligated to love you or anyone actually. I realized it when my youngest reached 30. I finally gave up trying to save a relationship that never existed except in my desire. It is not something that doesn’t hurt but it is something I can live with much better than the on-going verbal accusations, declarations, etc.

The child needed help. She got $10,000.00 and a safe place to stay for 90 days. She returned to the States and I haven’t heard a word from her since. Sometimes, I think, children don’t grown up into the people we thought they were going to be. Sometimes letting go means completely. 

I was married to an abusive man for 15 yrs.  After I finally got the courage to walk out on him, I was in therapy for about 4 more years after to clear out everything that had happened.  One of the things my therapist said was not to tell my children about their father.  Due to hospitals misdocumenting information, my ex still has visitation with the kids and that telling them would screw them up worse. 

 What I do now is I talk to them about different situations and about how they would want to be treated.  I am also very conscientous about watching their back.  I look for bruises, for self esteem issues, etc. 

You cannot always tell your children.  I feel your pain Sandy.  What I can say is this, if you’ve not done therapy do it.  Also, if you do go to your daughter’s parties, and take your current spouse, have a fantastic time, and show the ex that he no longer has any power over you - (even if you have to fake it for now)  you will soon find that he DOESN’t have power over you.  BTW, if you go to those parties, it does not mean you have to stay the whole night.  Just make sure that you keep the support of the man you love with you.

Good luck and God Bless.

L#1 My marriage was similarly emotionally & physically painful. The divorce was just as bad. For a long time my sons believed their father and were very angry with me. Now, while they love him, he is after all their father, they don’t believe anything he says. When they want advice, they call me. So the maxim that time heals is true. It takes work, patience and the willingness to stand up for oneself and tell the truth.

This girl may not know the truth about the marriage. "Adult" technically means anyone over the age of 18. However, there’s a big difference between an 18 year old and a 28 year old. If this young woman know the reality of her parents’ marriage and continues to behave rudely to her mother, there are various options. She may not believe her mother, she may see that being nice to her father is to her financial advantage, she may, unfortunately, simply be like that side of the family. If that’s the case, which is a real possibility, the best the author can do is maintain her dignity, stand up for herself, express love for her daughter and step out of the drama. The mom isn’t going to be able to change her daughter. Genetics is a real factor.

I’ve had well-meaning, but ignorant, people tell me that I should go around my father because "life is too short."

The last time it happened, I looked at the woman and said, "You’re right.  Life IS too short to be around people who are mean to you."

Then there are those who say, "But you love him because he is your daddy, right?"  

Wrong.  I don’t love him and have no desire to ever see him again.

Funny that some of my relatives who used to try to get me to "get over it" have now had their run-ins with him, and have come back and told me they don’t blame me—they don’t want to be around him, either.

No one has the right to tell me or anybody else how offended (or not) we should be by past abuse.

Would somebody tell Elizabeth Fritzl that she should visit Josef (the man who kept her prisoner for over 20 years) in prison because he’s her father?

Would somebody tell Jacey Dugard that she should let Philip Garrido see the two daughters she has by him, if, heaven forbid, he were to be released from prison again?

Of course not.   If refusing to be around your abuser is what it takes for self-preservation, then so be it.

I have a feeling LW1’s daughter secretly enjoys making her mother uncomfortable.

Letter #1 - Margo, I am giving you a standing ovation for your response….amen!

Letter #2 - Grow up. Unless you are a child prodigy and entered college as a young teen, given you are in college, you are what society deems as a "young adult" emphasis on adult. Just as your parents wouldn’t announce to you "well dear, your dad and I used the ball gag and whip last night…and would you believe his safe word was pussy-willow?" So too should you keep your sex life private as it is none of their business.

Besides the fact that it is irresponsible to meet up with strangers (because yes that is what they are no matter how much you correspond with them) regardless of their sexual preferences. Why would you want to be part of a married couple’s sexual life? Disgusting!

But then again as I always say, the early years are for making life’s big mistakes and hopefully learning from them so they aren’t repeated in your later years….

You go girl, I love the Margo furiously!

Now for Sandy, couragously, life’s too short to spend with people who don’t have you best interest at heart.  If your daughter can’t understand that than lose her too.  If she loves you she’ll accept you as you are and where you need to be…don’t fall for the manipulation…you’ll both lose.

As for Exploring, part of growing is experimenting but do it safely, tell someone where you will be or have an alternative plan just in case things don’t play out according to your fantasy…

Oh nuts!  The key word in the phrase, ‘the grown daughter’ is ‘grown’!  As I aged, my kids attempted to, in many ways, take over the parenting role, telling me how I should feel, what I should do.   After attempting to point out to them that I had shielded them from a lot of the abuse, I realized that, yes, they were GROWN.  Our relationships had changed.  They didn’t need to be shielded, but, also, they didn’t get to tell me how I should proceed.  They now know that while I will not say one thing negative about their father, I will also make arrangements to be elsewhere when he is in town.  And I ,also, told them that if my decisions bothered them in any major way, they were free to seek out counselling.  As for Letter Number 2, I just have no words.  None at all.