#1. I had someone who called for years after I broke it off. Calls go immediately into VMM, and have never called back. If he had my address that borderline stalking would scare me. So I can understand why the woman rather over-reacted. It’s one thing if you run into each other at a reunion. But if some man from the past makes two contacts in succession and mentions he was in her area after 25-years ….that starts sounding like the makings of a CSI plot.

#2. We have the emotion of anger for good reasons. Harnessed it is a powerful force, for social justice, as an example, and it’s a forceful signal to examine the situation that sparks it and your reaction very carefully.

People need emotional fitness as much or MORE than they require physical/mental/spiritual fitness because we are driven by emotions. The 4 core wounding emotions are: Loss, rejection, betrayal, humiliation. This lady suffered a core wound. How angry she feels was a stop sign that prevented her from going forward and getting damaged even more. It’s also a caution sign that she needs to beef up her emotional fitness. Many people overeat, over drink, take drugs, etc to medicate unresolved anger [that becomes sadness when internalized] instead of reasoning it out.

I had one betrayal when I felt that angry; went out and power-walked for two hours in the dark until I settled down, and decided what the betrayal really meant, and what to do. Then I cooly and completely cut the offender out of my life, no discussion. Someone who does not value you isn’t worthy of your time. There is a direct correlation between self-esteem and life satisfaction and earning power. Allowing someone to repeatedly damage you emotionally [belittling, disrespecting, betraying, etc] is as damaging as other forms of abuse. Healthy relationships are mutually supportive and affirming. I feel anytime there is anger it is a good signal to discover what it means, and go back to the roots. Then be glad you found out. Breathe in deeply, and blow it out until the anger is ‘washed out.’  And absolutely forgive…that’s for yourself. But forgiveness doesn’t mean to remain yoked to toxic people.

Fabulous Margo! Dead-on, on both accounts.

I have been enjoying going back and reading classic Ann Landers.  What a great lady!

#1 - Classic mid-life crisis.  His family’s raised and he’s thinking "Is this all there is?" and wondering about what might have been.  The initial rejection might have stung, but he should be well over it.  The birthday card in itself was not wrong, but to state he still had feelings was out of place.  He might have feelings for the memory of who they were 25 years ago, but both parties have grown to be other people now, and she was right to splash a bit of reality into his face.  If I was his wife, I might have a few things to say about that birthday card - all of a sudden she’s what - chopped liver?.

#2 Some people are users.  The man used you.  He’ll never feel sorry for wiping his feet on his door mat - that’s why they are called Heels.  Cut yourself some slack and chalk it up as a learning experience.  You are not the first person this has happened to and you won’t be the last.  You are wiser now and the better for it and you won’t fall for it again.

#1. What you are describing is "stalker" mentality. What clinched it, is that you question whether "she" is OK? She CLEARLY said, "Do Not Contact Me!" That means EXACTLY as she said. Time for you to move on. You have a wife. The grass is not greener on the other side. It is the same, sometimes even muddier.

#2. Move on. Consider yourself lucky this "user/abuser" didn’t do more to you. Learn from it. 

LW1:  I agree with Margo and the other posters (particularly Suzanne).  I have had this happen to me a couple of times, lately online, with exboyfriends and I would have reacted the same way this woman did.  She sent you a certified letter because you creep her out.  End of story.  People don’t send a certified letter unless they want to make sure they have a record that you received the letter.  They keep the receipt of you getting that letter so that when/if you contact her again, the can go to the police and have you disciplined.

I’m not sure what to tell you to do here, except DON’T CONTACT HER!  The people I feel most sorry for are your wife and children.  As I used to say to someone I loved very much who also wanted to have his cake and eat it too (which is what you are doing: you want the safety of your marriage and the romance from your past love), "You, sir, are a DOG!"  In addition to the advice from the posters above, I would talk to my wife about this.  She frankly doesn’t deserve this type of activity and needs to know about it.  Then you need to figure out how to work on this together.

LW2:  it’s always the scumbags that hurt us the most, right?  I’m not sure who left who (you say you cut him out of your life, but did he walk first?), but if he left you, that’s probably a reason why you are having issues cutting him out entirely.  If you left him, maybe you feel like a failure that you couldn’t "save" him, or guilty because he still has problems?

At any rate, you have to move on.  I liked the poster’s idea to have a ceremony, but it’s never been that easy for me.  The only thing that has helped me has been taking that same focus and energy and directing it someplace else.  Sometimes that is a new man (couldn’t hurt to do some dating, even if you’re not entirely ready yet… just get out of the house and stop thinking about Loser Boy), but usually it’s a project or my work.  What about getting some of your gal pals and taking a vacation?  Only caveat: you’re only allowed to talk about Loser Boy for one hour a day (timed) other wise you have to buy a round of drinks for each time you mention him.  (My friends and I have a version of this for when you talk about work after hours).

And, after a couple of months, you will find you don’t care.  As Helen Gurly Brown once said, you bring out the instruments to see if there is any life in the tooth and it’s dead…. but you had the relationship and hopefully learned you can’t "save" anybody that doesn’t want to be saved, and the next guy will be better. Best of luck to you :). n