Dear Margo | 10/30/2009 12:15 am

Dear Margo: When Idiot Strangers Speak

When Idiot Strangers Speak

Dear Margo: Why do people feel the need to make comments about unusual numbers and sexes and looks of families? I am a mother of three daughters, one son and a stepdaughter. Invariably, when we’re out, someone makes a comment. Before the birth of my son we would hear, "That’s a lot of weddings" and "Are you going to keep going until you get a boy?" People would actually ask me if I wished one of my children were a boy! When I found out my fourth child was a boy, I began dreading the inevitable, and sure enough people did not disappoint. "Finally got that boy, huh?" I am so thankful to have my children and would have loved them no matter what the sex. Other mothers of large families also tell me of times they’ve been told, "You have your hands full" or "You already had a boy and a girl, why’d you keep going?"

People also comment on my children’s looks … which one they find more aesthetically pleasing and their heights and age differences. A co-worker of mine who has a biological child that appears to be of a different race always gets asked if she’s the child’s nanny. And all of these comments are made right in front of the children. Please remind your readers that families come in all different sizes, colors and ages, and that a simple "You have a beautiful family" will suffice. — Lucky To Have My Children in N.Y.

Dear Luck: What can I tell you? Some people are dumb and think it’s fine to say whatever they’re thinking. I believe a suitable way to show your displeasure with such inappropriate musings would be to knit your eyebrows together, give them the fish-eye and say nothing. Sometimes silence is a killer. — Margo, responsively

Taking a Break and Waiting it Out

Dear Margo: When I began dating my boyfriend, he would remark occasionally that he would never love again, that he had no heart to give anymore. His ex-girlfriend, whom he was with for four years, did quite the number on him when she dumped him. I was hurt to hear him say those things, and now, nine months later, I realize it might be true. He’s admitted he doesn’t love me, but that he "cares." He’s not very tender, he doesn’t like to kiss, and he has never hugged me (the only exception being when we lie in bed to watch TV, he puts his arm around me).

What doesn’t make sense is that while he has admitted to not being in love with me, he can be caring and thoughtful. He claims to be a very emotional person, but I have never seen any evidence of that. He is sweet, a gentleman, brilliant and entrepreneurial, and has taught me a great deal, both intellectually and emotionally. I am stupidly in love with him, but I am desperate for someone to hold me and tell me they love me. I have no idea what to do. I have never felt this way before, but knowing that he doesn’t love me has left me broken. — Downtrodden in Florida

Dear Down: I sympathize with your dilemma. It sounds as though this man has much to recommend him, but he has basically told you he doesn’t have it in him to love again. I suspect he won’t feel this way forever, but for now the situation is no good for you. Perhaps suggest that you two take a break so he can figure out whether he needs you in his life. If you stick around with this arrangement, he will break your heart. — Margo, sensibly

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

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Read more about: Dating, Dear Margo, Discrimination, Families, Gender, Love, Race, Relationships

157 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

I am an adopted person and never remember a time when I didn’t know. I too was told that I was chosen and that God brought my parents to me. When my parents would get these questions from people who would hear that I was adopted they would say the truth…."we don’t know much"….as adoptions back then were closed and not more than basic medical history was revealed. They were always open about the whole situation and were kind, no matter how rude the questions asked. It was their way, they accepted the situation and always helped others to accept it also. I used to question my mother about being so open and she would say that just because they were ignorant about it, she wanted to help them understand.

By Margo Farr on 11/03/2009 11:37 am

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LW #1- Actually, wrong and immature as it may be, if all else fails, a well-placed "eff off" out of earshot of your children could stun the busy-bodies in silence. And perhaps I am approximately 40 years too old for a frat-boy response, but I’ve dealt with insensitive jerks all of my life picking at me over my looks/features (I live in the still racist south) and asking personal questions about it. Screw those idiots, they deserve no less.

LW #2- a relationship can survive a lot of things and overcome a lot of quirks, but the lack of deep, true, abiding and passionate love is not one of them. Spare yourself while you’re still less than a year out of it. The longer you go, the worse it will be. You don’t need looks, money, or to like Monday night football, but you do need love. Trust me.

By mia jade on 10/30/2009 8:36 am

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(I live in the still racist south)

How curious….I live in the south too, but I’ve found that the south does not have the monopoly on racism. I really, really hate when people feel the need to stick both "south" and "racism" in the same sentence as if they are automatic collocations. I think most of my coworkers in our very diverse school would find your comment as rude as I do.

By A R on 10/31/2009 9:21 am

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LW 1: You can always tell them that you have decided for sexual reassignment surgery for the youngest girl when she’s old enough. Or, tell them the boy is actually technically a girl, but with so much pressure to have a boy, you are raising "her" as a boy. Then when u get the startled looks, you can laugh and say, "Oh, I’m just kidding. Seems like I never know how to respond appropriately to rude questions."

By Jen Boothe on 10/30/2009 8:47 am

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ROFLMAO! Thank you! I needed that! Now that I have 2 boys (over 10 years apart) I get the same question. So I think I’ll say that my husband forgot which sperm to send and ended up sending the wrong one! Then perhaps add that I’ll stop at 8 or 9 if I don’t get my girl. That should be fun to watch since I am 40 now!

By tabatha V on 10/30/2009 9:30 am

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You made me GOOGLE ROLFMAO.

By Van Lee on 10/30/2009 12:48 pm

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Rolling on floor laughing my blank off

By tabatha V on 10/30/2009 2:45 pm

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My father is part Cherokee and my mother was a blonde, blue eyed Anglo. I have her pale skin but his dark hair and hazel eyes. I remember people actually coming up to my mother and me when we were out w/ her side of the family and touching my hair and saying, "where did that dark hair come from. She must be the milkman’s baby."

My mother’s response: "no, the postman’s."

By Kristana Dunn on 10/30/2009 8:49 am

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I remember one time my 3 siblings and I were at the mall with our parents and uncle. My dad has brown hair and my mom is a natural blonde that had colored her hair a very deep auburn and my uncle(her brother) of course was blonde. All 4 of us were as blonde as can be so my poor uncle kept getting asked where is wife was (he was unmarried at the time) and how he was coping with so many children. He would just say "they’re not mine, I don’t know who they belong to" And my parents would laugh at the looks of shock on people’s faces.

By krista griffin on 10/30/2009 12:40 pm

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Ha!!! Good one!

By Felicia Cleburn on 10/30/2009 2:10 pm

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There’s Cherokee on my father’s side of the family, and while it’s a fairly small percentage now, somehow my little brother got the darker skin color; both my parents and I have exceptionally pale skin, so he doesn’t look related at all. His hair is a white blond though (the rest of us have either brown or black hair). No one believes we’re related, but in school, all the teachers thought I was twins with another boy with the same last name; we did look remarkably similar then, but we weren’t related at all.

With multiples, my father was one of four boys, and his father was one of four boys, and his father was also from a family of only boys (after that, no one knows). My father and older uncles all said that they wanted to send the last boy back to the hospital and get a different baby (they were just children when he was born, of course), because they wanted a sister at that point. They joke about it, but really, they’re close and appreciate each other a lot. So even if strangers stare, at least they have each other, as cliche as that sounds.

By Heather Baker on 10/30/2009 2:30 pm

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My son has Asian and American Indian heritage (and a few others thrown in for good measure). As a result, he has beautiful almond shaped eyes. When he was a baby, a women approached me in a grocery store to comment on how cute he was; then, she asked me how I was coping with the Down’s Syndrome. I looked at her dumbfounded, looked at my son, and then asked her how she was coping with the Foot in Mouth Syndrome. She sheepishly backed away and those around me applauded. Unfortunately, for a long time after, I would catch myself looking at my son wondering … does he?

By P Rust on 10/30/2009 8:52 am

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#1 - Some people see an insult where none is intended and some people won’t be insulted no matter how hard another person tries. How you respond depends on if you feel an insult was meant or not, and what you want your children to see/hear how you deal with it. Every family, traditional or unconventional, is different and special in it’s own way - just like everybody else.

#2 - You want love and you are with someone who can’t or won’t love you. Stop it. Are you a glutton for punishment? Stop being with him. His words are holding the door open for you to leave - practically an engraved invitation. All you have to do is walk out and find someone who will cherish you in the way you need and want. The sooner you move on, the sooner you will find your hearts desire. The guy you’re currently with is wasting your time, and he’s not worthy of you.

By B Clark on 10/30/2009 9:11 am

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#1 Take some time apart. Let him grieve and recover from his lost love and if the time comes possibly you can both find each other in a fresh beginning. When he reaches that point, he will look for something new whether you are there or not which does not remind him of the time he spent getting over the last love of his life.

#2 I have three children, not one of them resembles the other. Rather than getting upset when they were younger, I would have some fun with the dumb commnents. I knew the truth and they knew the truth, that was all that mattered. I left many idiots dissed in a "here’s your sign" moment with no regrets. I now have seven grandchildren and none of them look alike either, but they have parents who are quick on thier feet with those type of people and at times get even more crude than mom with the comebacks.

By Linda Myers on 10/30/2009 9:14 am

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Krista- I am Cherokee, Irish/Scot, and African-American. My daughter is blonde and fair skinned with beautiful African features that are tempered with her fathers Teutonic ones. For all intents and purposes she is white, but I have had people ask me repeatedly about her heritage the way they did mine, as if it were some family secret swimming around in the gene pool. Idiots. I don’t mean to sound bitter to anyone, and I am sorry, but insensitive people that ask questions like that about your children, or the number of them for that matter, irks me, like they have nothing in the world better to do or their lives are so empty they have to stir the pot.

By mia jade on 10/30/2009 9:16 am