Dear Margo | 10/30/2009 12:15 am

Dear Margo: When Idiot Strangers Speak

When Idiot Strangers Speak

Dear Margo: Why do people feel the need to make comments about unusual numbers and sexes and looks of families? I am a mother of three daughters, one son and a stepdaughter. Invariably, when we’re out, someone makes a comment. Before the birth of my son we would hear, "That’s a lot of weddings" and "Are you going to keep going until you get a boy?" People would actually ask me if I wished one of my children were a boy! When I found out my fourth child was a boy, I began dreading the inevitable, and sure enough people did not disappoint. "Finally got that boy, huh?" I am so thankful to have my children and would have loved them no matter what the sex. Other mothers of large families also tell me of times they’ve been told, "You have your hands full" or "You already had a boy and a girl, why’d you keep going?"

People also comment on my children’s looks … which one they find more aesthetically pleasing and their heights and age differences. A co-worker of mine who has a biological child that appears to be of a different race always gets asked if she’s the child’s nanny. And all of these comments are made right in front of the children. Please remind your readers that families come in all different sizes, colors and ages, and that a simple "You have a beautiful family" will suffice. — Lucky To Have My Children in N.Y.

Dear Luck: What can I tell you? Some people are dumb and think it’s fine to say whatever they’re thinking. I believe a suitable way to show your displeasure with such inappropriate musings would be to knit your eyebrows together, give them the fish-eye and say nothing. Sometimes silence is a killer. — Margo, responsively

Taking a Break and Waiting it Out

Dear Margo: When I began dating my boyfriend, he would remark occasionally that he would never love again, that he had no heart to give anymore. His ex-girlfriend, whom he was with for four years, did quite the number on him when she dumped him. I was hurt to hear him say those things, and now, nine months later, I realize it might be true. He’s admitted he doesn’t love me, but that he "cares." He’s not very tender, he doesn’t like to kiss, and he has never hugged me (the only exception being when we lie in bed to watch TV, he puts his arm around me).

What doesn’t make sense is that while he has admitted to not being in love with me, he can be caring and thoughtful. He claims to be a very emotional person, but I have never seen any evidence of that. He is sweet, a gentleman, brilliant and entrepreneurial, and has taught me a great deal, both intellectually and emotionally. I am stupidly in love with him, but I am desperate for someone to hold me and tell me they love me. I have no idea what to do. I have never felt this way before, but knowing that he doesn’t love me has left me broken. — Downtrodden in Florida

Dear Down: I sympathize with your dilemma. It sounds as though this man has much to recommend him, but he has basically told you he doesn’t have it in him to love again. I suspect he won’t feel this way forever, but for now the situation is no good for you. Perhaps suggest that you two take a break so he can figure out whether he needs you in his life. If you stick around with this arrangement, he will break your heart. — Margo, sensibly

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

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Read more about: Dating, Dear Margo, Discrimination, Families, Gender, Love, Race, Relationships

157 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

stupidly in love is right.

ever think it’s BECAUSE he’s so arms-length that you’re so in love?

he told you straight up he doesn’t love and you never will…. but hey, maybe you can change him!

i tell you people… hostility is like catnip to these folks.

By chuck alien on 10/30/2009 2:50 pm

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#2: I sort-of relate. My boyfriend and I have both been married before, and both burned horribly. Not that it’s a contest, but I think he’s been through worse than I have. I’ve also been able to get over it easier. What his ex did, and is still doing, is inexcusable and I don’t blame him for still being so angry with her. Neither one of us is in any hurry to remarry, though I am not totally against it. He is. He told me a long time ago that he will never get married again, and this was after we were together. This is something that I had to accept. Either I have him without the paper or I live without him. I made the choice and I’m happy with it. If your boyfriend is that thoughtful towards you he is in love with you, he is just afraid to say the words out loud. He is trying to protect himself. Don’t put pressure on him and pay more attention to his actions rather than his words. Words aren’t worth spit anyway.

By Jean B on 10/30/2009 3:04 pm

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One problem with not being married is that you have no rights to his Social Security benefits and you have no right to say anything about his healthcare sometimes a living will is accepted.

I am not sure that you are named as a beneficary on his life insurance. If he has kids they will probably receive everything if he dies without a will or if you are not named in the will.

If you have a house if it is both of your names then again depending on his will or if no will. The house would have to sold so his heirs would get their half.

It seems like I am focused on money but I have seen people in the situation you are in and if it goes bad then you are screwed.

Please make sure that you can support yourself without him and you are well prepared for retirement by yourself since you have no rights as someone who just lives with him has the right to get the pension paid

If you love him please make sure that you are okay financially without him.

By Rachel M on 10/30/2009 5:52 pm

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I don’t know about Downtrodden. Maybe a break would be good. But if she’s willing to give it time - a lot of time - then maybe they will be fine? My dad was married to my mom for seven years and he was heartbroken when they got divorced. He always told my brother and I that he never wanted to marry again and he didn’t know if he could love another woman. He spent years with a woman named Sandy, being companions. They were together for probably another seven years before he finally asked her to marry him. And they are a role model couple for me. I love them.

By Leslie P on 10/30/2009 3:19 pm

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I can sympathize with LW#1. Yeah, she may be defensive b/c she’s having to ask teh same stupid, inappropriate questions over and over.

How would any of us feel if we were asked by a different coworker each day if we liked the new coffee machine. Every. single. day. After awhile, don’t you think you’d get just a wee bit tired of that question? And asking about a coffee machine isn’t insulting at all! Betcha, all of us would snap at one point and make a snarky comment and no longer care that the co-worker didn’t mean anything by it.

Put another way: why do you think some celebrities no longer talk about their love life? B/c you get asked the same question, endlessly. You do a press junket and gauranteed each one of those media outlets will ask unless you put the kabosh on it right away. We can understand how a celeb would tire of the same question but when it comes to the average person, all of a sudden it’s ok for the average Joe to endure such mindless prodding?

And another thing, people are initiating conversation with her, not the other way around. (Strangers COME UP to her.) No one put a gun to their head and demanded they say something to LW#1.

Walk a mile in someone’s shoes before you decide that the woman is being too sensitive.

By J Lee on 10/30/2009 3:21 pm

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For Lucky: I have long had the opposite problem: childless by choice, and for YEARS, I was bombarded with nosy questions about when I was going to get busy and start having kids, and even strong recommendations that I NEEDED to do so (Even recently, as I am bumping up against menopause!! WTF??). These questions and suggestions came from people who barely knew me, never from close friends or relatives.

I don’t understand why people seem to feel so entitled to interfere and make remarks about childbearing choices, or the children themselves. It’s about as personal as you can get!!

As for Margo’s advice: the stony silence is a good tactic, but trust me - it just won’t stop some people.

By Lila Kuh on 10/30/2009 3:51 pm

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I hear you! I am a "non-mom" for a wide assortment of reasons, none of which have a thing to do with my not liking kids. I do like kids very much, but Man, do I get tired of people who feel that my admission of having no children gives them permission to pry into the reasons behind my decision…. and it’s not like I bring it up. It usually goes like this- I meet someone new, I mention my husband, they ask if we have kids, I say no, they ask when we will have them, I say we are not planning to and about half the time, that person feels the need to grill me about why.

Best answer I’ve ever come up with is "Well, when I was a kid, my mom laid a curse on me that my children would one day behave exactly the way I was acting…. I’ve always been to scared to risk it."

By Shana LeBeau on 10/30/2009 8:00 pm

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I agree. It’s no one’s business and I don’t have to empathize with the rude questioners. When comments are made about children’s race and/or appearance, that is not trivial, but it is an American obsession. Those who advise turning the other cheek either have no children who attract such attention or are not sensitive to such questions about religion, ethnic background, or race. As for comments about being childless, I can’t think of a retort, but I hope I will. It’s none of anyone’s business, may I repeat?

And, as for these commentators or questioners or observers being ignorant or unaware of the impact of their rude questions, give me a break! Someone is ingenuous for these questions are malicious and intrusive. Enuff said!

By SURA B on 10/30/2009 10:49 pm

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LW#1

Get over it! It’s small talk and nothing more. Quit wearing your feelings on your shoulders. If that’s all I had to worry about in my life, I would be excited!

By Donna Sampson on 10/30/2009 3:57 pm

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LW2 mentioned lying in bed with him. It’s strange how hearts can break to the point they have no more love to give - but the urge for sex is unbreakable.

By Eliese H on 10/30/2009 4:22 pm

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LW1

Yep…you are right people ought not say everything they think aloud. My general rule is to not comment on people’s reproductive status at all. I figure it’s really none of my business what others do. I think part of the problem is some of our society at large’s attitude about having children. People assume too much. People assume that every couple is supposed to have kids, that every couple wants a boy, that a woman must be sad if they don’t have children, that every kid needs a sibling, etc. It sure would be easier if people didn’t treat real life like a sit-com. It’s not one-size fits all.

LW 2

Wow, I’m with the others…..he will likely love again, but you haven’t inspired him to. Feel free to search for a fellow that will be inspired by you.
Unlike some here though, I won’t imply that he is using you. If you two are over the age of 21 and you want to have an intimate relationship, that is really your prerogative. People are intimate all the time without making long-term promises, so I don’t think he is using you any more than you are using him for all practical purposes. The way I see it, he’s been open with you about his intentions, and you have decided to hang around on purpose. I’m not seeing misuse there on his part.

By A R on 10/30/2009 5:32 pm

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#1 I always wonder when they say "beautiful woman was murdered" in the news. They never say, "homely woman murdered." Does it matter when our looks are better how we’re perceived? We shouldn’t care about looks…but we do…and I’m guilty of that. We need to watch ourselves about that. Everyone is beautiful!

#2 After four months my boyfriend told he’d never stop loving his ex-wife. Thinking the relationship had no future, I moved back to New York City and got rehired by my former employer. He kept visiting me and asked me to move back to Houston. After a year I did. We’ve been together 7 years now. The reason we’re not married is because I never wanted a fourth husband. That’s not how I planned my life. Besides, I’m still married to my 3rd husband whom I haven’t seen since 1997 and have stayed married to so I couldn’t make a 4th mistake (we did file for divorce, however, it just wasn’t finalized). But, it looks like we will get married after all. We’re finally talking about it in a year or two, or three. Wish I’d taken my time longer before I married. My advice, drop him. If he really cares, he’ll follow. If he doesn’t, she’ll find someone who does.

By Laura Ward on 10/30/2009 6:01 pm

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My daughter is blonde with blue eyes. I have dark brown hair and brown eyes and my ex is brown hair with blue eyes. Talk about recessive gene. My ex’s biological father was blonde and blue eyed. I would pick up my daughter from the base daycare when she was little. One time, I went to get her from the cargiver and they lady looked at me, looked down at my blonde daughter and said "She belongs to you?!" It was said rather rudely. I said "Yep, me and the milkman." Took my daughter and left, silently laughing. That woman looked so dumbfounded. I had my kids 18 months apart and would constantly get are they twins? I had to laugh because was one walking next to the stroller and was wasn’t even crawling. I answered one woman laughing saying "No, that would of been difficult". I don’t think she got it.

I honestly laughed it off except for the "is she really yours comments." Those kinda bothered me. I would have to bite my tongue from saying no I am a stranger give me the baby, duh! I know people try to make conversation but it can get annoying. I really tried to laugh it all off and that is all you can really do.

By Annie H on 10/30/2009 6:23 pm

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My father was one of 8 siblings. All of them were dark and olive-skinned like their mother, except the last child, who was blonde and blue-eyed like their father. Go figure.

By Lila Kuh on 10/30/2009 8:02 pm

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my first husband is one of 6 children. all of them blonde hair, hazel eyes, stocky bodies, except the youngest boy. he has brown hair, brown eyes and an atheletic build. he also is the ONLY one that looks like his father. the other boys obviously take after their mother. the youngest always called himself a throwback. all the older boys have high BP problems and 2 suffered massive strokes and one died of it. none of the older smoke or drink. the youngest smokes and drinks and is healthy as a horse. go fig!

By Nancy Pea on 10/31/2009 5:41 am