L#1

Dear Lucky,

Some people are foolish and say foolish things.  Smile as you shake your head in disagreement and say something pleasant like "hi there - have a great day" so that you can disarm them instead of engaging any more of their idiot buttons.

Your complaints don’t compare to the buffoonish strangers who view a woman’s  baby bump as license to touch her belly or stare at her breasts and ask if she’ll be nursing.  

Wishing you and your family patience and wisdom,  E

L#2

Dear Downtrodden,

Your BF sounds like an ideal friend.  Maybe you two aren’t meant to be.  Maybe he’s lazy in the romance department.  Maybe he’s just not that into you.  Maybe there’s more to him than you know.  Whatever the case you deserve to sail to the stars in a love relationship - why settle for the beautiful but permanently docked spaceship?  Tell him you’ve been thinking that maybe you two should not be exclusive.  See if that creates a spark in him.

I wonder how much of the story of his previous romance is the truth and how much is a cover.    

Wishing you much love and happiness,  E

I used to be friends with several girls who were part of an eight-child family. Yep, their parents stopped when they got the boy (number eight). All the girls were conscious of the fact that several of them would have not existed if the boy had come earlier, and the boy was definitely pampered and treated differently. However, I would never dream of saying anything to the parents - that’s unproductive and unneccesary. I guess the girls will deal with it in their own ways.

Not that LW #1 is like that. It sounds like she has had her children for the right reasons.

Letter 1: All of these are quite rude, and should be treated as such, except for "you have your hands full." I’ve heard people say that my entire life (being from a large family myself.) If they are smiling when they say it, it generally means "You have a fine family" or "I admire anyone who is able to manage with so many children." I’ve heard that said to families with only 2 children, so don’t take it personally.

If the person is NOT smiling, the phrase usually means something like, "Please deal with your kids, as they are creating a disturbance" or worse, "Why would anyone have so many and why do I have to be subjected to anyone’s kids (no matter how well behaved)?"

My sister’s husband use to take my three year old son places. People would tell my sister they had never seen a father and son who looked so much alike. Brother-in-law and three year old were not blood related at all. My sister would say nothing.

LW1): Um, well, again, I find some of the comments…interesting. Both times that I was pregnant, I barely showed until the fifth month. Then the baby would sort of fall out of my very narrow pelvis and I would suddenly develop this enormous protuberance. And I do mean enormous. I am very short, and I was all belly and boobs (I gained only 20 lbs. with each pregnancy). People were always wanting to touch, and no one was ever rude about it. I even was asked by a Korean woman (through her daughter) if the daughter could rub my head for luck. I was a very happy pregnant woman, even though the latter part of both pregnancies caused serious back pain, and I had all-day sickness (and an unfulfilled craving for Taco Bell) through-out. I normally don’t like being touched, and don’t like crowds, and I myself am a non-intrusive person and would never think of touching someone unasked. But I wasn’t offended at all…in fact, I found the interest quite natural.

As for weird comments from people, I also have an autistic son (18 now), and have weathered all sorts of interesting situations. I have no embarrassment threshold anymore, not after he put his pants around his knees and walked through the mall half-naked. He also used to scream in restaurants at the slightest provocation. In the latter case, we would remove him (the world does not have to accomodate your children), especially when we realized that he realized that he could manipulate us with his screaming. Autistic does not mean stupid. I never had anyone comment on this. On his acting out in other places, o, my, yes. He excelled at tantrums when he could not get his way, and I once had an older woman fuss at me, first for allowing the tantrum, then for fussing at him for it. I picked him up, with a fiendish smile on my face, and asked her if she’d like to have him. I have perfected the evil grin and toneless comeback.

My younger son is very fair, and people keep asking if his granny is his mom. She just rolls her eyes and says "Thanks for the compliment". I’m also an "older mom" and often get the "why did you wait so long?" bit. My answers are either "common sense dictated" or "why didn’t you?". I’ve also had people ask me if my sons are related. Sigh. They’re half brothers. Also, "why did you wait so long in between?" I tell nosy people that I really didn’t, I just sold the others to science. But get all butt-hurt and offended? O, my, no. I’ve been taking crap from people all of my life because I’m "different" (whatever that means, aren’t we all?), and I’ve learned that getting upset because people are crass, ignorant, insensitive or just plain stupid isn’t worth it. Give them a grin and fire right back. No need to get all up-tight and fire f-bombs, they might actually understand that. Instead, leave them trying to figure out what just happened and walk away, smiling to yourself.

story one … "please remind your readers that families come in all different sizes" … so, what’s with the hesitation in telling these insensitive clods, to their face, in front of the children, that their comments are unwanted??? .. someone told me, years ago, that being a parent was not for sissies … includes, as per this story, standing up for your children when literally faced with idiots.

story two … well, as long as Downtrodden never tires of watching television, on the sofa  … when and where the single act of affection occurs, well, there’s no problem, is there???  Has taught Downtrodden alot intellectually and emotionally??? about what???  Give him a pillow to hug and say good-bye … enough, already.

I think people in general just often have diarrhea of the mouth. And I’ve heard it many times in my own life. When my oldest daugter was a toddler, we had gone to the grocery store across the street from us. Since it had a bakery, I had gotten her a cookie and she was walking with it in her hand. Some old guy had the gall to tell me that she was too fat to be eating cookies (she was a chunky baby). Because I had been taught to respect my elders as a child, the old man was saved from a rude remark. A few years later, we moved to a racially-diverse city in California. I am a bi-racial woman (African-American & Caucasian) and while the father of both my daughters is also African-American, the girls have my skin tone. As well as my hair type. I’ve had many African-American women come up to me offering to do my daughters’ hair. I found it insulting because to me it seemed that they thought that since I looked white, I couldn’t handle a black girl’s hair. One woman even told their father that she could do braid the girls’ hair, RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, even though I had just did it my self the day before.

The sad thing is that most of the people who make the rude comments are adults. At least with young children, you know that they don’t know better, haven’t been taught better by their parents, and are sometimes unabashedly truthful. They see what they see, and don’t have the ability to know when not to comment.