Love Thy Neighbor (or Brother) as Thyself — Unless He Is Gay …

Dear Margo: I need advice about how to address my oldest brother’s hurtful actions toward me and the paralysis it has caused my family. I am a 40-year-old gay man in the Bible Belt. Last December, I married my partner of five years in a legally recognized ceremony in New England. Knowing that many people would be unable to join us out of state, we arranged a reception at our home down south a month later. We were blessed to have over a dozen people travel through a snowstorm to join us in December (including my father and middle brother from Georgia) and another 100 people at our reception the following month. My oldest brother, however, an evangelical Christian, was not one of them.

He told my father and brother that he can’t acknowledge our marriage because it conflicts with his Christian beliefs — even though we were all raised in the same Southern Baptist household and my husband and I are Christian, as well. We have not spoken since Christmas. What worries me is that the rest of my family is so afraid of potential clashes that they’ve essentially canceled our regular family events. How can I help the rest of my family to move forward, or must this no-winners war consume our future? — Southern Discomfort

Dear South: This is an old and sad story. In your case, something’s got to give, or rather, someone. I suggest you tell your relatives that the traditional family occasions you’ve celebrated in the past must continue. Because your brother is, let us say, intransigent, propose that you and your husband alternate get-togethers with your brother. Alas, you will not change his mind, because while you and I might think him benighted, he believes his religion is dictating his responses. I am more impressed with the way your father and middle brother are interpreting their Christian beliefs. — Margo, sadly 

Calling All Greeting Card Companies!

Dear Margo: I am a girl who just turned 25 (and, by the way, I was born a boy). You may have heard stories about transgender people who are aware, even as young children, of what their situation is. Not me. In my case, the confusion lasted until about eight months ago. I am currently in the process of transitioning to life as a woman. I live as a female 100 percent of the time while at home, and about 60 percent of the time when I go out. I would like to be "full time" ASAP, but this is problematic due to the physical realities of the transition process. For example, I am not allowed to shave or wear makeup 24 hours prior to facial electrolysis appointments. My problem is my mother. She is one of those people who professes, "I am open-minded, I am accepting," but she doesn’t act like it.

For my birthday this week she sent me a birthday card that said "Dear Son" on it. Now, I realize I was her son for a long time, and that Hallmark doesn’t sell birthday cards that say "Dear Son/Daughter" or "Happy Birthday, Offspring." I predicted my dad would react poorly, but as it turned out, I did not give him enough credit. On the night I told him, he said no matter what happened he would always be there for me because he loves me. Why can’t my mom be like that? — Preferring Pink but Feeling Blue

Dear Pre: I am glad your dad was quick to get with the program, and I hope you cut your mother a little slack. It has to be difficult, I am guessing, for any parent — after a quarter of a century — to redo one’s thinking from "him" to "her." If there was a passive-aggressive element to her choosing a card that said "Son," I expect that as you progress on your journey of change she will feel more at home with your new persona. Good luck. — Margo, transformatively

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

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