DEAR MARGO | 10/22/2009 12:30 am
Dear Margo: ... And Maybe Cut Down on the Tequila
…And Maybe Cut Down on the Tequila
Dear Margo: My husband and I (he’s 50, I’m 41) have been together for five years. Everything looked like roses and sunshine till lately. The man is acting like he’s single. For example, I was sick with a nasty case of stomach flu and could hardly lift my head. He had a choice of taking care of me or going to a party. You guessed it: He went partying, and it took four grown men to carry his tequila-smelling self into the house. Guess who got to take care of all of this? It didn’t stop there. He went to another party and was dared to go skinny-dipping with some of the people there. And let’s not forget the kids that were there to see my husband go streaking across the yard.
Hubby and I do go skinny-dipping when we’re on our property in the country. I always thought it was our "bare ‘em and scare ‘em" time together, but he took that away from me by doing something with others that I thought was just for us. I asked him why, and he said it was a dare. (The man is 50, not 7.) He didn’t understand why I was so upset. How do I get the point across, without sounding like a shrew, that I don’t want everyone and their kids seeing him naked as a jaybird? I am hurt by this and don’t know what or how to say anything because I’m so angry I want to smack him with a rolling pin. — Madder than a Wet Hen in Texas.
Dear Mad: Hold off on the rolling pin, hon. What you need to do is knock some sense into him, not out. I would sit him down and explain how his actions have hurt you. Invite him to decide if he wants to live like a grownup or a college boy. He does sound thoughtless and immature as opposed to malicious and uncaring. Give it a try and see if things change. If not, get back to me. — Margo, tutorially
There’s Talking, and then There’s Talking
Dear Margo: I’m 23 years old, and my parents are getting divorced. It’s obviously hard, but it’s not earth shattering, because I’m older and have been out of the house living on my own for four years, etc. My dad isn’t one to talk about his feelings or have heart-to-hearts, so he pretty much refuses to talk about this whole situation. I think that actually makes it the hardest, because my mother will openly talk to me, and I can talk to her about the divorce. With Dad it’s like the elephant in the room whenever we talk. How can I get him to talk to me like an adult? I want him to know I’m not taking anyone’s side. I’m sure he knows I love him and always will, but I can’t figure out how to tell him and get everything out on the table. I’m worried that with the continual lack of communication about this, eventually we won’t talk at all. — Concerned and Confused.
Dear Con: I think you are magnifying a personality trait of your father’s into a doomsday scenario of imminent radio silence. Some people just don’t talk about difficult things, especially with a child — even an adult child. It is interesting that you, yourself, say you can’t figure out how to tell him you love him. Maybe discomfort with articulation is a familial thing? I suggest you tell him, as a statement, that you are not taking sides and you will always love him. This may open him up, and it may not. I doubt that continued communication is at risk. Just … well, keep talking. — Margo, attitudinally
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
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85 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment
At 50, he SHOULD know better to take care of you, but obviously he didn’t expect to also be sick. Maybe somebody also spiked his drink as a joke back at him. If his car and its insurance is also in your name, the accident he may have could drop your insurance and you will also lose driving privilege.
Alcoholism is a sickness. Hitting somebody with a rolling pin won’t solve that one. If he thinks he’s really handsome, take his picture when he’s drunk again and post it as ‘Mr Handsome’ on the refrigerator. Humiliation is in line for this dude. If he’s online before theses ‘parties’, use software that captures keystrokes, images, and back up his hard drive when he’s gone. Evidence is great to use.
Ltr 1: "Guess who got to take care of all this?"
WHY? Let the fool lie in his own waste if necessary. I am so weary of women putting up with their crap and then cleaning it up for them. It seems some women think rewarding bad behavior is going to get them somewhere. Where’s the motivation for this guy to grow up, if ‘mommy’ keeps cleaning up his messes. Give him the cold shoulder for awhile, let him suffer the consequences of his actions.
Hey abra:
Thank you for your reply. I just can’t understand why a woman who is so sick she "can’t lift her head off the pillow", would even consider, taking care of this fool, especially since he had 4 men rolling him into the house. I say, LET THE 4 MEN ROLL HIM RIGHT BACK OUT.
Why do we, as women (so often) accept ALL the responsibility for a relationship. I’ve read some other comments on this thread saying "you can’t change a man" etc. Well, YOU DON’T HAVE TO CHANGE A MAN - OR EVEN THINK YOU CAN.
YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR ENABLING BEHAVIOR AND REFUSE TO ACCEPT NEGLECT, ABUSE AND/OR INDIFFERENCE TO YOUR NEEDS. You are NOT his mother or nurse. HE certainly wasn’t yours when you were so ill.
STOP THE INSANITY, don’t be a doormat, he’ll just find someone else - someone who DEMANDS RESPECT.
Get over the victim mentality, take some responsibility and SAY NO.
you would be surprised at how well a person it took 4 ppl to roll into the house can wake up and poke and prod you to help them even you your sick as a dog. my first husband was like that. i would be sick as a dog, my toddlers with high fevers, totally sapped of strength and this asshole would come in from work perfectly healthy and ask for dinner. i could barely get my head off the pillow and this so and so wants WHAT? i didn’t have anywhere to go and didn’t know how to take care of myself then (this was in the early 80’s) but as soon as i figured it out, i moved him out. i learned there was no reason why i had to take that kind of shit off anybody. when he was sick he would turn into a horrible baby. but i refused to help him because of it. he never learned his lesson. ignore him all you want and later he would just do it again.
this woman obviously has a bad husband that she needs to get rid of. if you have someone that is only there for the good times, then you might as well be alone.
This guy seems to be your typical jerk. We know absolutely nothing else about their marriage, but I’m sure he’s behaved badly before, in different circumstances. I do feel sorry for women who believe "boys will be boys" (solution: marry a MAN), and believe that it is their responsibility to take care of these men (you are their wife, NOT their mother).
Men like this, who move on to another woman (for whatever reason), will not choose an emotionally healthy woman, who would require mutual respect, but rather another insecure woman who will take care of him, ignore most of his unacceptable behavior, and will only become upset when their man steps on a little piece of their relationship that she thought was theirs alone ("skinny-dipping was OUR thing" in this case).
Women like this need to stop living off of crumbs.
been there done that and you know what? it didn’t make a difference with either of my husbands, bf’s etc. if they are determined to be idiots they won’t care what you do, except to get mad at you for it. i found that they are going to do what they are going to do no matter what. he has already shown he has the compassion of a snake. confiscating his keys can be risky. it would be better if she hid them somewhere and then when he asks where they are say "i don’t know!" because otherwise (especially somebody that might start drinking at home and want to leave), they can get violent if they don’t have what they want right now.
my idiot second husband came home drunk (he was on a bicycle) and wanted to cook himself some dinner. my daughter was worried he would set the apartment on fire and tried to help him. he tried to slam her back against the counter. she got away but then said something to him and he threw a knife at her. being drunk he couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn. but after that our marriage was OVER. sometimes it’s better to just let them go (and if drunk) call 911 and report that the fool is driving around drunk or will be driving and you couldn’t get the keys away from him. but if he is that bad, you might as well go to Alanon and get out.
#1 Going against the grain here and not trying to condone the behavior of the husband, but I know of a couple that sounds very much like this letter where underneath there was a marraige of the woman holding a look at me, take care of me, I am the focus of your world mentality herself to the point where he finally hit a breakout point trying to find some type of self outside of her. What he did find was someone along the way who was more secure and not so entirely dependent on having provided all her needs through him. I think for this to change the woman needs to look at herself and the points of life that brought them both to this point and maybe give some relief to her expectations of him. I seriously doubt if this was a healthy relationship to begin with he woke up one day and decided to find another extreme life to be a part of. Would the tequila have been acceptable if she was not sick and it was her and him, or the steaking acceptable if it was her and him? They both have some issues going on here and hopefully both of them will take some accountability and find a more mature ground in thier life. I think she is more upset about losing her caregiver than being one.
#2 Some men find it really tough to be open and emotional with their children, they just were not raised seeing that part of a father being shown. Or even being open about thier own feelings toward the child, and to talk about thier inner most feelings with a child, forget it. My ex was a prime example, but they can find that part of themself when they understand that behavior is okay and create a new relationship that is healthier for both of them. I’ve seen it happen and it is pretty amazing in a good way for both of them. It might take a few more steps in life before it happens but always possible.
Dear Linda:
Yes, you certainly "went against the grain" on this one. As far as I can remember, this is the first time I’ve disagreed with your reply. I think your ‘friendship’ with the couple you described may have influenced your usual great common sense.
Certainly, this woman has some issues, why else would she NEED advice re: this pathetic excuse for a husband. But generally speaking, the guys a selfish pr..k. Who leaves a sick wife? - to go out partying/drinking with his buddies, gets rolled into the house by 4 MEN, and doesn’t recognize he’s a jerk? A reasonably normal, sane man would have made up with flowers, oaths of never doing that again, etc. HE’S A JERK and so is she IF she continues to enable him.
I still love your posts, generally speaking.