Both letters are about a man who is uncommunicative about his feelings to a woman.  I grew up with a father and brothers who never spoke, literally.  I know how frustrating this can be—if you love the person give him time to get the emotions out of his system, on his own timetable.  Let him know you are there for him, care about what he is going through, then walk away.  Or talk about something innocuous, like his favorite hobbies.  This kind of man is the toughest to get through to, but he will appreciate your leaving his problems alone until he is ready to deal with them. 

He is making himself the center of the universe by not speaking—something women, who are raised to talk out everything—find difficult to understand.  It took me a lifetime to understand my brothers.  It is worth the trouble.

L#1

Dear Wet Hen,

At 50 your husband is an adult and should be allowed to conduct himself in any manner he likes as long as he is not harming anyone (other than his own reputation) in the process.  You were not put on earth to control him or anyone else who is not your minor child.  If you disagree with his behavior tell him so.  If he chooses to continue your choice is to either stay and learn to live with it or to leave.  Why didn’t you just ask your husband to please stay home and help you through your illness instead of testing his love and judgement?  By not asking you gave him the impression that you didn’t mind if he went.  If you expect people to share your mindset and reason out situations the way you know to be the "right"way you will always be disappointed.  If my husband was so drunk that he had to be carried in by friends I’d roll him onto a drop cloth on the floor near a bathroom and leave the rest up to him.  I don’t wipe up after an adult boozer.

Sounds like letter #1 and her husband have a lot of fun together. She shouldn’t feel bad her husband didn’t nurse her. Men don’t do that. If you know of men that do, dump them now.

Regarding #2. The father doesn’t wasn’t want to talk about the situation. So what. The world won’t end because of it. 

L#2

Dear C and C,

You said "How can I get him to talk to me like an adult?"  I’m confused - is this about you feeling slighted or you being concerned for your father?  Take a cue from your father and MYOB.  He obviously does not need to "get everything out on the table" with you.  He is not your mother so why should he be expected to act as she does?  You are wrong to compare and contrast their styles of handling this situation.  Another thing to consider is that your father just does not wish to put you in the middle - is there any possibility that your mother wants you to talk with your father so that you can can be used as her unwitting spy?

Send him a sunny greeting card - the sort that says "Just a Note to say Hello" and add a personal note written by you that simply says I love you Dad.  That will mean more to him than you can imagine.

LW#1 - I’m going to play devil’s advocate here (just a little bit). Granted, drinking all the tequilia probably wasn’t the wisest decision on his part, I think the wife is being a bit much. What did she expect him to do by staying home? Hold back her hair while she puked into the toilet? If she wanted him to stay home, why didn’t she just say so? She’s not very clear on this but if she just assumed he’d stay home and take care of her without vocalizing it, then she was wrong in her assumption. Don’t get mad at him b/c he didn’t read your mind. Did she also take it upon herself to "take care of him" after his night of drinking? Did he ask her to? And about the skinny-dipping - was he being wild and crazy and possibly stupid? Sure. But again, is she going on the assumption that it was their "special time"? Did they talk about this together, about how it was "their" thing or did she just assume it was? Sounds to me like a lack of communication. Ladies - please keep in mind that while some men can be a bit clueless when it comes to women, they’re not mind-readers.

LW#2 - Margo’s advice was spot on. Just tell your father that you love him and that you always will. That’s it. On a side note, why do you want to hear all the lurid details of your parents’ divorce anyway? Frankly, its none of your business.

L#1 - Been there - Talk to your husband.  He has obviously hurt your feelings by leaving your side to party when you needed him.  Something that my ex would have done in a heartbeat - something that my current husband would never consider.  Maybe it’s just a phase, maybe it’s something more - you won’t know until you talk to him.

He just needs to know how you feel - his response and attitude will speak volumes.

Communication, communication, communication… 

L#2 - Just love them both and stay as impartial as possible. A child has to remember that you may think you know the whole story, but you only have pieces of a puzzle that includes many years of a long marriage. It is their business, not yours - they are both your parents, support them both. 

I have friends that are divorcing right now and the children have chosen one side without hearing out the other.  It’s a nasty, ugly situation, and everyone is simply living in bitterness and spite.  There will come a time when this time will be looked at with sadness, but for now, anger has won.  I’m looking at it with sadness now… 

Sometimes, "Guess who got to take care of all of this?" doesn’t just mean cleaning up a little puke, it means far more than that.  Especially when it takes 4 people to get him in the door, unless he weighs 300 pounds or something.  He’s obviously not very good at drinking!  Many drunks simply don’t come home and pass out,   Many men don’t respond to talk, love or counseling, many don’t want to talk about anything, they just do what they want to do no matter what you say. 

However it’s done, that is if you shouldn’t be, or won’t be packing and leaving, 

definatley communicate with him that you are not interested in dealing with this behavior and something needs to be done between the two of you….. or else    LOL

Sometimes, in some situations, this tuff love might be useful  LOL  there must be something to the story tho.  My grandmother told me about it, my friend who works for social services recommended (outside of work) it for husbands that like to push their wives around when they are drunk, or not.  And as a way to get a violent worthless lazy mooching man out of your life without moving from YOUR home…. 

And I’ve heard similar tales from all parts of the world, I bet it’s a really old story, and I bet it’s really happened.  Would love to know where it originated from.  Mabye the same place as all the old ‘helpful’ hints on how to keep your wife in line.

The last time I was sick when we were going to go to a wedding, I insisted my husband go!  The bride and groom were good friends and were sad enough that I missed the party.  Having my husband go showed them that we really did want to be there, even if I couldn’t.  I was fully capable of getting to the bathroom on my own, and just in case it got worse, kept a big bowl by the bed.  Unless I was actually so sick that I couldn’t manage on my own, why would I deny him the pleasure of seeing our friends get married?  Besides, I wanted to havehim tell me about it so I could share in it vicariously.

If a child or even a husband has an illness, then please clean it up, although I’m not generous enough to clean up after an adult, even a husband.  NEVER CLEAN UP FOR SOMONE WHO IS DRUNK, no matter who that is!!  It is essential that a person is responsible for the consequences of his or her actions.

My husband and I would skinny-dip on our own, and if he went on a fish trip with some guys, they’d all swim in the river naked as a jay bird, which is totally approtriate while you are camping (and I’d proably join them if I were there).  I wouldn’t feel the same at a party and wouldn’t enjoy a bunch of drunks running around naked, unless the party had been advertised as such, in which case you can choose to stay home.  It isn’t acceptable in front of people who are not participating (many people don’t want to be exposed to another’s nakedness), and particularly in front of someone else’s children, and he needs to be told that is inappropriate.  It also needs to be pointed out to him that only those under the age or 13 can use the excuse "they dared me".

Both letters smacked of passive agressive behavior.

Re: Letter #1

Three years ago I had major surgery.  On my first night home from the hospital, my husband left to put in an appearance at a friend’s birthday party.  We talked about it beforehand.  It was his best friend’s 35th birthday.  I said "go" and he did.  I had enough medication to keep me sedated for the entire time.  He called twice to make sure I was OK.  The key is…we talked about it.  I voiced my opinion and he voiced his.  Now, if I had said "no" and he had gone anyway, then I would have a legitimate reason to be pissed.  It always amazes me when women think that men can read their minds.  (Also… get over the skinny dipping… everyone make foolish mistakes.)

Re: Letter #2

Say this to your father: "Dad, I love you.  I know that you are going through a tough time right now.  If you ever need me or want to talk I am here for you."  And leave it at that.  If Dad wants to talk he will.  But first stop assuming you know what your dad will do/say.  Chances are he does not know that you are there for him.  You want your parent to treat you like an adult?  Act like one and be assertive.

LW#2

Your own Father’s childhood may be the cause of need to keep things to himself.  My own father didn’t talk about his feelings alot but he did talk about some of them at times.  He was surround by talkative, in your business women from birth—mother, grandmother and sister.  He married a women who was very much like them.  Mom liked to know everything about everyone.  As a child I learn to keep things to myself because otherwise it would be all over the family tree.  Mom like the power and control that the information gave her and I just started keeping things to myself.  I am my Dad’s daughter.  Mom was sexually abused when a young child and I believe that had alot to do with her behavior.  I still keep things to myself because of my childhood, very few people get my complete trust.  This is not just a male thing.  When things need to be said I write as did my father and my mother.  I have their writings and they help me understand them better.  They were great parents and the love was there for their children.  Maybe you could encourage your father to write his feelings down to help him work through this bad time.  You must tell him that you love him to get back in the future what you need from him.

You people saying "just don’t clean up the puke" have obviously never lived with an alcoholic.  It’s not the puke.  Puke is the least of it. It’s the giant raving drunk lunitic who wants to talk to you, touch you, have sex with you even if you have a temperature of 104 because they’re blind drunk and can’t tell you from a block of steak (and that’s just the "nice" behavior).  My take on it is that this woman has been living with blinders on thinking that she has something she doesn’t. She needs to wake up because unless this is a sudden change she will never have anyone to comfort her when she is ill, and will spend the rest of her life taking care of a full-grown child who’ll only resent her for it. Alone sounds pretty good to me in comparison.

Letter 1 - When I’m sick I REALLY want everyone to leave me alone so I really can’t relate to the issue about him leaving her and going to a party while she was ill. I think some other folks on here have addressed that pretty well. Coming home drunk? Fine. Lie where they leave you and I’ll see you in the morning. Gettting drunk is a choice with consequences and they aren’t pretty. Was the kkinny dipping silly? You bet. Childish? Hell yes. Lots of fun? OH HELL YEAH!! The 5O year old guy acted a fool and had some fun. Good for him. You’ve married a man who can enjoy life.

Letter 2 - Like most men your dad doesn’t want to discuss it. Like most men he really doesn’t have a need to discuss it. Actually, he’d probably enjoy talking to you about anything BUT the divorce between he and his wife. Maybe there’s nothing he needs to disclose to you. Margo is right, let him know you love him and let it go.