This Was, Perhaps, an Ill-Considered Offer

Dear Margo: I honestly don’t know where to turn. I can’t share this information with family or friends, and my husband is so ashamed, he doesn’t want me to tell anyone.

Now 52, he has been an alcoholic since he was 14. When he decided to quit drinking, he wanted to go out "with a bang." I was so proud of him for his decision that I told him whatever reward he wanted he could have. He is also very sexual, and he wanted to go to a strip club and have an intense version of a lap dance. As it turns out, they can’t really do that on site. So one gal offered to meet us at a hotel. I didn’t think I could watch that, and I wasn’t at all interested in participating, so we set the ground rules of three things he could do, and he took a cab up to a local hotel to meet her this past weekend. Today we talked about the experience, and although he really didn’t want to hurt me, he felt he should be honest. They ended up doing everything a couple can do. He is hugely sorry and doesn’t want anything more to do with strip clubs, porn or being with anyone else.

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate him telling me what happened. On the other hand, I feel I am falling apart. I can’t stop crying, can’t stop visualizing. I just want it to go away. Do you have any advice for me? What do you think of this situation? — Desperately sad

Dear Des: Oh, my. When my husband stopped smoking, he went sailing with a buddy. Your guy certainly didn’t keep the "reward" bargain, but then again, that was almost predictable. The "visualization" problem is the downside of confessing, though in this situation, I think your husband did the right thing by telling you. Because this is complicated by your promise, and then your permission for "three things," I suggest you focus on the fact that he has stopped drinking. Years with an alcoholic husband have to be worse than, well, four things. Concentrate on his sobriety, and with time, the hurt will go away. — Margo, forwardly
 
A Married Man with Three Female "Pals" Half His Age?

Dear Margo: I have heard it said that jealousy for men is about the actual act of intercourse; jealousy for women is about the emotional connection her partner might make with someone else.

My husband has made emotional connections with three women, the oldest 10 years my junior. He and I have been married 15 years. He is a generous man and an excellent friend. I love him deeply. That is why I feel so angry. These girls call him regularly. Whenever I ask him to stop talking to them, he gets angry. He says I just don’t want him to have any friends. Well, I must admit, I don’t want him to have female friends half his age. Am I wrong to be upset? — Sad in Washington

Dear Sad: First, we would need to define "emotional connection." I do not know the level of involvement, but I will tell you this: It is neither routine nor do I think acceptable for a married man to receive regular phone calls from three girls, no matter what age they are. And from the length of your marriage, it is entirely possible your husband’s phone friends could be teenagers. His telling you that "you don’t want him to have any friends" is a defensive dodge. I don’t know whether he is a case of arrested development or is actually fooling around, but I would hash this out (with a marriage counselor, if necessary) and tell him he needs new friends or a new partner — one who is comfortable with all his outside interests. — Margo, explicitly 

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

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