#1 and #2 - Do lesibians have trouble with partners who never grow up?  If not, I’d have to have a hard think about it and maybe decide men are not worth the trouble some of them bring into a relationship. 

#1, if he had any regard for you and your marriage vows, he wouldn’t be doing this to you.  He’s all about him and his needs and he’s trying to blaim you ("she gave me permission") to have sex with other people.  "She made me do it!".  Oh, please!  Throw the bum out.  The level of manipulation here is way out of bounds.

#2, if he can have friends, so can you.  And if you have enough friends, what do you need him for?  If he needs these other relationships so much, he’s leaving you without leaving you.  How passive agressive can you get?  Get yourself together, bid him "bye bye, birdie" and let him go live with his 3 ‘friends’.  Let’s see if he needs even more friends when he’s with them.

What is it, overgrown, spoiled little boy day?

LW#1- Good grief, Charlie Brown. You gave your old man permission to do all that, set the rules, and then left the room? I actually do feel sorry for you, your self-esteem must be in the toilet. This man isn’t sorry; the last part of the thrill was confessing it to you to get your reaction. Maybe he figures if he can punish you for it, he’s off the hook as far as guilt. You’re in for a long, strange trip- if you didn’t know that already.

LW #2- There’s nothing wrong with having friendships with the opposite sex after your married, my husband and I both have them, but they also do not call us regularly. We’re also not that emotionally connected. I smell a huge, steamy pile of BS. The two of you need couples counseling and you need it now. Your old man is a passive-aggressive, whiny little boy. My guess is that he’d have something to say if you had younger male friends you were deeply emotionally connected to. But that’s the pattern and attitude of cheaters or about-to-be cheaters.

Good luck to both of you, you’re gonna need it. 

Interesting letters today eh? Wow….

Letter #1. You trusted your husband. That was your first mistake. A man who has been an alcoholic for almost 40 years who finally decides to address the issue and his "reward" is an accelerated lap dance? Really? Almost 40 years of abusing his body and on some level his life with you and he wants a sexual act from another woman with your blessing?

Not only did he betray your trust that he could keep it in his pants, but on a deeper level (at least for me) he turned what should be a pivotal moment in both your lives (but especially his), into a light hearted, what could go wrong here scenario. So the fact that he had intercourse with this dancer upsets you. But if he had stayed seated in a chair with a full blown erection as she gyrated his crotch, now THAT would have been okay?  Really? Allowed him to fondle her breasts, that wouldn’t stir up feelings of insecurity or jealousy within you? Really?

You expected him to show personal restraint in a scenario of allowing himself to be worked up sexually with another woman. Get hard, get horny, but somehow walk away. Yet you know for almost 40 years he was unable to show restraint when it came to alcohol. You trusted him when he has shown you he can’t even trust himself. You should feel bad.

Letter #2. Here we go again, I am that woman to many men. And I have many women who smile in my face but then I hear from their husbands (my friends) that our friendships make their wives uneasy. I don’t share men. Period. I don’t care how handsome or charismatic a man may be, if he is married, dating, engaged I don’t allow my heart or body to go there. And I am not alone. Millions of women feel the same way and in this instance these 3 women may be the same.

There comes a time when women need to take ownership of their emotions and stop attempting to dictate who their men socialize with.  In this instance the letter writer is concerned about regular phone calls. As Margo said, that depends on what regular means.  One of my male friends who I call on average once a week to talk politics, current events and football with, told me it drives his wife crazy. And he said (rightly so I believe) he isn’t going to hide our friendship because that would imply there is something going on that should be hidden. He said he told her it is her insecurities at play and that he was not dumping his friends because she feels threatened.

He is a good man and tends to be no nonsense about things. And I also happen to know he loves her dearly but hates the fact she has the self esteem of a flea. Letter #2 should be smart, keep her eyes open for inappropriate behavior on her husband’s part, but understand that just because he has female friends that he is close to, does not an affair make.

Sounds too dysfunctional to me to even attempt to comment but I suspect she found out the hard way that the couple that plays together doesn’t stay together.

His problems go far beyond alcoholism. Her problems go far beyond enabling.

LW#1 - Give him a another chance, but NO MORE than that.  Definitely, no more than that.  I’d say watch him v-e-r-y carefully.  He appears contrite and if it’s worth anything, maybe he’ll keep t-h-a-t promise.  Maybe he won’t but maybe he will however it doesn’t look promising.  Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic and with strippers in the mixture - WWIII and if he starts drinking again, it’s definite D*I*V*O*R*C*E or at the very least marital counseling. 

Think, "That’s what you said the last time.  And the time before that."

Someone asked earlier: "Do lesibians have trouble with partners who never grow up?  If not, I’d have to have a hard think about it and maybe decide men are not worth the trouble some of them bring into a relationship. "

Absolutely.  I know many gay and lesbian couples and they are no different than straight couples.  Just because a couple may be two women doesn’t mean that it’s going to be peaceful.  I’ve know lesbians who are liars, addicts, and cheat on their girlfriends/spouses. 

Relationships are difficult no matter who is in them.

LW #1:  I’m sorry but how do you reward someone for something that shouldn’t have happened anyway?  Rather than giving him a reward, you should have given his ass an ultimatum: Either get help to stop the drink or hit the damn bricks suckah…

But why oh WHY!? DID SHE THINK FOR ONE MILLI-SECOND that it would be ok to give him a LAP DANCER, in a HOTEL, WITHOUT being present? The hell? If it can’t be done in the strip club, then it just can’t be done.  Period.  And if it were me, he would have been lucky that I even AGREED with him going to the strip club in the first place…but that’s another story.  She totally set herself up for this one, and I really can’t blame him.  I mean seriously…even a fool knows better! Ugh. 

And ma’am, no use in crying because really if you stayed as long as you have knowing that he’s been a drunk for 38 yrs, then why complain now?  Oh by the way, I’d be ashamed to tell my friends and family too…not because of what he did, but because of how STUPID I’d look for even allowing it to happen…sheesh.  Moving along.

LW #2:  I don’t think it’s a problem for you or your husband to have friends(including the opposite sex) AS LONG AS you both include each other when it comes to the friends, you’ve at least met them and vice versa, etc.  Have some security about yourself because jumping the gun and coming to conclusions is what’s going to START the problems. 

Like Belinda, I too have friends who are married as I am single and have been around for longer than they’ve even known their wives (although I’m only 23), and I haven’t had any problems with any of them.  I don’t think they should be threatened at all because in my eyes they are like brothers to me just in the same, they see me as a little sister.  Now, as someone else suggested, invite the friend(s) and a date over for lunch or dinner one day to show your husband that you can accept the friendship so long as he at least includes you.  NOW…if he gets defensive when you make that suggestion or makes excuses or whatever, tell him that you’d like to call YOURSELF and personally extend the invitation.  If he doesn’t like that, then I’d get suspicious…

Wow. ok, LW1 needs to be thunked over the head for even THINKING that letting her drunk hubby spend time ALONE in a hotel room with a stripper. WHAT were you THINKING??

LW2 I like Van Lee’s  idea. Invite the girls over for din-din one night and watch and listen. Though I also totally agree with Belinda, there are wives out there who just can Not stand their man talking to another woman. I suppose I would be concerned about the fact that they are half his age (perhaps shows *his* mental age?, also the defensiveness is a bit of a flag, But then again, it depends on how she is asking him to stop talking to the girls. Is she saying/sobbing/shouting. "Stop talking to those girls!" or is she saying " Dear, I realize you value your friendship with these girls, but could we possibly have some time of just us talking instead of being interrupted by one of them calling?"  I dunno, I think I see both sides of the coin in this one.

But I still think LW1 needs her head examined.

Why do women hold on to these types of marriages and try to fix them?  Why let another person ruin your peace of mind and quality of life?  As the motto goes "Live free or die". 

LW#1…

Wow, your hubby is a piece of work, and you are clueless. I know that insulting someone doesn’t open any minds, but dear you need thumped with a reality check.

Your husband just pulled the single-best manipulative play that I have ever seen.  This play has been set up to justify his next drinking binge.  And I thought I was married to the consumate manipulative alcoholic.  I bow at your duped feet.

Follow along.

First the promise to quit, made with the caveat that a reward must be rendered else the wanted behavior won’t happen.  You, wanting more than anything to stop the behavior, agree.  Which shows that you have bought into the "I only drink because of you" psychology of most drunks.

A stripper in an illegal act (in most states touching is illegal)  is the promise.   You fall for it!  Your husband never thought in a million years you would go along. Never. He thought that you would protest and he would drink, instead you threw a cog in his plans.

So he then ups the ante and takes you along to "see the goods," so to speak.  I’m sure he thought that you would either run - leaving him to drink - or participate - which would lead to drinks in the future as he would have had a hard time "coping" with your wantonness.  Of course he can’t touch at the club - it is illegal, after all - so he "suggests" it goes to a hotel, he thinks either 1-you say no way and he gets to drink, or 2- he gets to get laid.  You oblige and leave.  I doubt it took your "remorseful" husband 10 minutes to call his good buddies and tell them.  Check his cell phone records - that will tell you the truth.

Then he comes home and bravely lays out the "truth" at your feet.  What, you don’t think he knew that you would be reduced to tears? Upset? Feel betrayed, dismayed and otherwise distraught?  Come now.  He knew what would happen.  Yet he told you anyway.  At this point it doesn’t matter if he did it, or not.  He has you exactly where he wants you.

Now, and here is the best, most beautiful, part, you are upset.  Way upset.  You are probably, as I type, making his "poor" life miserable in a million ways.  Maybe its the guilt you "make" him feel.  Maybe its your tears and the way you look at him.  Maybe its your insistence that he go and see a doc (which you better have done).  Anyway, the best part of this whole fiasco - as far as your husband is concerned - is that he is now looking at the best reason in the world to pick the bottle back up (and I sincerely doubt he ever quit anyway).  YOU.

You, my dear, will drive him to drink.  In the exact same way you drove him to it in the past (I’m sure he has told you this, all drunks blame everyone in the world except themselves for the next drink).

Now, if you try to go to court to divorce, why, he is going to use the shame of both his "illness" and your participation in the illegal activity.

Beautifully constructed, devious and just the drama that passive-aggressive drunks thrive on.

Get out sweetie.  Your husband is a loser (as you will soon see) and sooner or later you are going to eat a little crow in your community.  Small price to pay for freedom from manipulation, drama and abuse.

Good luck to you, you are going to need it.