Dear Margo | 11/12/2009 2:00 am
Dear Margo: Marrying a Guy in the Mormon Closet. Oy.
Marrying a Guy in the Mormon Closet. Oy.
Dear Margo: My wife’s 30-year-old daughter is quite immature emotionally and sexually. She has never had a boyfriend. Her father’s family is Jewish, but she converted to Mormonism at 18. She has a close friend who is gay, also a Mormon, so he cannot come out to his parents — though most of his friends and a cousin who is also gay know of his homosexuality. (He is extremely effeminate.) I have gay male friends, so I have no problem with homosexuality — unless the homosexual wants to marry my stepdaughter.
We’ve questioned her about the reasons for this marriage but haven’t gotten very good answers. She freely admits that the boy is gay, but she wants to marry him anyway because they’re such close friends. Can you help us understand this situation from an angle that maybe we haven’t thought of? Can you help us know what to say to her to dissuade her from what we feel would be a very big mistake? — Really Unhappy
Dear Real: Her wishing to marry a young man who is gay could be a gesture of friendship so that he can continue his pretense, at least to his parents, that he is straight. It could be that she is not interested in sex. It could be that she is not planning to stay married to him forever. And it could be that there is nothing else going on in her life right now so she’s willing to play "Let’s Pretend." I would have a serious discussion with her about all the ramifications you see, and then, as they say in gambling casinos, play it as it lays. I doubt there is anything you can say to change her mind if it’s made up. — Margo, stoically
The Inability To Move On Can Be Crippling
Dear Margo: I have a problem. Let’s call her Mom. I was raised an only child in a single-parent home. Life was good. Mom and I spent a lot of time together, had all the same interests and shared everything. It was kind of "us against the world." Now that I’m older, however, things have changed. As I grew up, went to college, got married and generally got on with my life, things became increasingly strained with my mother. It started in college, when she would tell me how her family would leave her out of gatherings or some co-worker did something to offend her.
As I spend more time away from her, I am beginning to realize that she is the cause of the problems in her life. Everything is a slight, and everyone who doesn’t put her needs first is rude and thoughtless. I have spoken with some of the "perpetrators" to find out why they would leave her out or be mean. Everyone has the same observations: She is thin-skinned and takes offense at the most minute things. Now she’s starting to treat me like everyone else. I hear about our not connecting like we used to, how it was so much better when I was little. It is obvious to everyone in our family that she’s depressed and needs medication and therapy, but she says she is too old (50) to change. Is there anything I can do? — No Longer the Little Girl
Dear No: Your mother gave you a wonderful childhood against all odds, but she neglected to carve out a life for herself. You were her world, but you grew up and took her world with you. What I recommend is that you tell her that 50 is in no way too old to change or turn things around. Suggest that she invested everything in you and now that is not workable. Urge her to see a mental health professional and start talking. — Margo, hopefully
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.
COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
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111 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment
L#1 – Oy, indeed. Unless she’s marrying him to cover up her own homosexuality?
L#2 – Why do so many people think medication will solve personal problems? Mom may need therapy to help her work through longer standing issues, but she also needs a supportive daughter who shows her appreciation of her mother. Even if it’s not always easy, let her talk. Then draw her into a more positive conversation by reminiscing about happier episodes in her life. Spend time with her, take her out to dinner on occasion. Help Mom feel appreciated, not abandoned. And yes, you can find the right balance of time for all of this because now it’s your turn to give.
catherine, i must say you are spot on with your idea’s for LW#2. mom maybe homesick for her little girl. did mama’s girl move far away and never returned? i think mama is suffering from empty nest syndrome. my two adult kids and i live together by mutual consent. i know if they moved out they would be just as lonely as me and be back in for dinners and watching certain shows together, going out to dinner and such. but ours is a different situation than most. we stay together because we enjoy it, rents being to high to live alone and because all of us have a physical or mental problem and take care of each other.
it sounds like she feels her daughter has abandoned her for her own life. she spent all those years raising her maybe she just wants some recognition and some thanks. the way the daughter could show it is by as you said, taking her out to dinner on occasion, staying home and watching tv with her, going to a movie, picnic, shopping, etc. when you have done everything for someone for so long it becomes a shock to suddenly be wandering around without that person. it could be likened to a death to her. she is probably in mourning and this is how it comes out.
as for LW#1 i really hadn’t thought that. but it certainly could be a valid reason. right on with your ideas!!!
It could be that *she’s* gay, and this would be convenient all around.
On a different tack, having a Jewish father (especially a non-custodial one) doesn’t make you Jewish in the eyes of most Jews. But having Jewish ancestry for some reason makes you a trophy in the eyes of some Mormons.
Who knows what’s going on in their two little heads.
The mom in #2 sounds like a cross between my mother and one of my sisters (both Leos, if anyone follows). For my sister if it’s not her way, it’s wrong. If you don’t agree, it’s a personal attack. If she’s unhappy she will make sure everyone around her is unhappy, too. As for mother, it’s inconceivable that someone might actually have a life at the same time she finds out she has none of her own. I have what a friend of mine calls "poor phone management skills." I rarely use the phone and have a cell phone as my only line so I’m not paying for something i touch maybe twice a month. I left it plugged in at home one day and went to happy hour right after work with some people. When I got home, I had a message from mom at 1:30, and another at 7:30 with her blubbering about how things are hard for her, how awful I am that I won’t call her back, and… that’s when I hit delete. The next one was from my sister (yeah, *that* sister) at 7:35 saying that mom called her crying, said she left a bunch of message and I never return her calls, she’s tired of being put in the middle, and I should just call her.
Turned out drama mamma just needed my address. I didn’t call her. I made my other sister do it, and I have not spoken to her since.
Wow, do we have the same mother? Sounds like a missed opportunity. Are you punishing them for feeling hurt? Stand up and call your mom. Tell her you care and always will. Tell her you don’t mind if she calls. Tell her family is important. Tell her she doesn’t need to feel bad. Then get off the phone as fast as you can so she can have time alone to take it in.
Don’t tell her you will or won’t return calls. Don’t tell her she’s being overdramatic. Don’t criticize her at all. I tried this with my mom and she turned into a different person after that; at least with me.
Really Unhappy,
He might want a family and children. And she might be in love with him.
Good Luck to them.
That was exactly my thought.
He might want a family and children. And she might be in love with him.
______________________
My observation through the years of these "mixed marriages" is they turn out to be a disaster. For the husband, for the wife, and for the children.
I have, on more than one occasion, thought of marrying a gay friend of mine. Some people, like myself, just aren’t interested in sex at all (they’re called asexuals, as opposed to heterosexuals or homosexuals (though they may identify themselves as straight asexual or gay asexual))
Frankly, if she wants to have children (through artificial insemination) and thinks her friend will make a good father, or if she just wants lifelong companionship and the other benefits of being married, without having to worry about being pressured for sex she doesn’t want to have- marrying her gay friend is perfect. Considering the guy can’t come out to his parents, it’s a perfect arraignment from his point of view as well.
I think the parents here aren’t giving the girl enough credit. She might have completely thought this decision out and have already anticipated all the consequences. Just because she gives them reasoning they don’t like doesn’t mean that reasoning isn’t valid.