Dear Margo | 04/29/2009 11:00 pm

Dear Margo: When Nothing Can Be Done, Do Nothing

A mother is so upset about her daughter’s choice in a mate that it has taken a toll on her health. Margo Howard’s bright advice …

By Margo Howard

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When Nothing Can Be Done, Do Nothing.

Dear Margo: I am writing about my 24-year-old daughter, "Florence," who’s in a four-year relationship I find extremely upsetting. I have spoken with her about my feelings, but I know I am powerless to change her mind. I have been so upset that I feel it has affected my health. (I have been a cancer patient for over two years.) Florence is beautiful, talented and intelligent. She could have just about any man she desired. The man with whom she is considering marriage cannot find full-time work in his field so he works part time, eking out just enough money to support himself, rather than finding work in another field to enable him to support a family someday. He is grossly overweight, as is his mother, so this genetic tendency could be passed along to his children. And … he is not of our religion, which I feel could add difficulties to a marital relationship. I fear that Florence will "wake up and smell the coffee" too late, after marriage and children, and live an unhappy life. Granted, one cannot choose the mate for one’s child, but I need advice on how to stop worrying so I can feel happier and, hopefully, healthier. — Worried Sick

Dear Wor: You know the words but not the music — something I think most of us experience at one time or another. You know Florence is going to do what she wants, you know you should disengage, but it’s hard to watch what you view as a catastrophe and not make yourself heard. It is important for you to accept the fact that — for four years — beautiful, talented, intelligent Florence has been involved with a man you do not find promising, to put it mildly. But I will tell you this: Florence knows he is fat, underemployed and of a different religion. It has so far not changed her mind. And realistically, it’s never "too late" to undo from a mate who’s proved to be the wrong one. (Don’t ask me how I know this.) Since you can’t control Florence, I wish for you the gift of acceptance. It is her life. I have always believed that we each get one go round (unless you’re Shirley MacLaine) to do with as we choose. If you can adopt this way of thinking, I predict you will be happier and your health will improve. — Margo, beneficially

The Black Cat Is Optional

Dear Margo: Hello. My oldest stepson is getting married in the spring. I have checked etiquette sites, but found nothing that indicates what the wicked stepmother of the groom should wear. HELP ME! — Shelly

Dear Shel: Maybe a long black thing accessorized with a pointed black hat and a broom? I’ve actually never heard of anyone making a distinction between the stepmother of the bride or groom and the biological mother when it comes to wedding outfits. For your purposes, feel free to dress as though you were the mother of the groom. If you want to be a sport, you can check with the "other" mothers so you’ll know their colors. I am guessing from the way you refer to yourself as the "wicked stepmother" that you, like I, have a warm relationship with the stepkids. Mine, in fact, call me "Wicky," an affectionate Britishism playing on the wicked stepmother theme. Have a lovely time at the wedding. — Margo, fashionably

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

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74 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Blows to a mother’s heart are probably the hardest to sustain. . . and yet we must. We, as mothers who have been so highly successful in raising that lovely child - a child who looked to have bloomed into a beautiful young woman (largely through a great deal of caring and - yes - effort and time that it takes to cultivate the prize rose), find her the crowning glory of our young lives.

And then, without warning, our balloon pops. She has made a tragic mistake … and mothers aren’t usually wrong about that. But this young adult does have her own life to live. And what could a mother possibly know?? And even if she does, this is true love. Can’t everyone see that?

The answer: NO, we can’t … and it is true lust and our little girl doesn’t know the first thing about love. But - did we, if we were to be honest? And so you are right, Margo. We must do nothing as it wouldn’t make the least bit of difference.

I find that mistakes are not necessarily bad. They are growing experiences in spite of the eventual pain. And it will make it worse, when our sobbing child comes back, dejected, and we say "I told you so". I believe with the years as an adult, there comes the onset of wisdom — and please God, given her a cup full of wisdom extra early.

The thing is … our own hearts haven’t healed and won’t, and now we need further bandaids as we comfort our child who has come home to temporarily roost, and find ourselves grieving as we watch her tears. Whoever coined the phrase "life isn’t easy" hit the nail on the head. The story of this young woman who has actually chosen a man so unsuitable has a number of versions. . and most of us have heard them all.

We do nothing — well, unless you call "nothing" steeling ourselves to pick up the pieces of this very wrong fit when our princess comes home to roost. All I can say is: thank goodness that we are not alone. For in our large circle of friends, each mother has her own story, her own soap opera — and As the World Turns more often than not becomes our story, too.

That’s life.

By joan larsen on 04/30/2009 1:05 am

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Your comment reminds me of this quote:

"To avoid situations in which you might make mistakes may be the biggest mistake of all."
- Peter McWilliams

By Lisa S. on 04/30/2009 8:45 am

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Oh for pity’s sake. Maybe the daughter is not making a mistake. When my husband and I got engaged, his mother had very similar objections to me. I was not pretty enough for her son. Although I was at a healthy weight for my large frame and athletic inclinations, I was too big for her taste. My head is also unusually large, with a wide, square face and smallish features. My husband, however, says he fell in love with the sparkle in my eye and that he loves curvy women. I was also the wrong religion. I was a college graduate with full-time employment, but she assumed that because I was "fat" I was also lazy and would quit work and expect my husband, who still had two years of college to go, to quit school and support me.

My mother, on the other hand, also objected. He was too young, too unsophisticated, and an unemployed student who would probably never amount to much.

Long story short - we will celebrated our 39th annivarsary next month. His mother finally accepted me shortly before she died ten years ago. My mother, who is totally disabled, now lives with us and appreciates my husband’s generosity in openining his home to her. We have six beautiful, talented, etc. children whose autonomy we respect. We are all pretty darn happy.

By Margaret Stair on 04/30/2009 10:14 am

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I’m on the same page as you on this one. I think the biggest thing that bothers the mom about the future son-in-law is the difference in religion. You can’t believe, or actually, you can believe how hateful people are these days about people of different religion even at a distance, imagine how resistant some would be with a different religion that is going to enter the life of one’s family

The overweight thing can be fixed and if someone is passionate about their profession even though it does not make the most sense financially at the moment, that’s actually quite honorable and attractive (assuming the profession is a respectable one).

Things to seriously consider are if he treats her well, respects her, does not play around, does have a job even if it doesn’t pay that well, have similiar goals in life. But of course, in the end, one can only give advice to ones adult children and not direct their lives for them.

By John Lee on 04/30/2009 11:52 am

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margaret, thanx for posting your response. that is very much what i was thinking too. this mother seems very shallow. beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and obviously her daughter beholds him as beautiful, caring and sexy. just b/c mom thinks he isn’t perfect means nothing as far as her daughter goes. maybe the daughter decided she would rather he work part-time til he can find what he wants. who says it’s all on him? hey, i like big men myself (i’m over weight now, but even when i was 120lbs i like big strapping men, so obviously she likes em big) and a lot of women do.

my bff was very shallow when i met her and very predjudiced against whites. she also thought that if a woman was big, ugly and fat she could only get a man b/c he liked her cooking or some other garbage. i enlightened her to the fact that that is BALONEY with a capitol B. i know a lot of interesting looking women, some big, some not classically pretty and some just plain wrong looking that had really good looking men. b/c some men just LOVE big women. others don’t look at what they look like, but what kind of personality they have. over the years i have changed her mind about including her predjudices and biases. it took 29yrs but i finally think she is a nice well rounded person.

the example i was trying to make before i got sidetracked was that everybody sees ppl differently and just because the MOTHER finds him unattractive, penniless and such doesn’t mean he is any of those things to her daughter. it looks like she better start accepting him as a SIL b/c it looks like he is there for the long haul!

By Nancy Pea on 04/30/2009 10:08 pm

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Once upon a time my mother said, "I think he has hypnotized you." He had. Then she told him, "I know my daughter, and my daughter is not going to be able to succumb to your philosophy. I couldn’t and eventually didn’t. Finally she said to me, "You are going to regret this decision for the rest of your life." I have. How I wish that I had listened.

By phyllis Doyle Pepe on 04/30/2009 10:37 am

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WOW, the woman who wrote above you was so defensive, told her story and all … but did you hear the word LOVE or happiness even one time. I did not … and after being married so many more years than she has been, you have heard me before saying that it is not the years in your marriage - for in our lives back there, we stuck to the marriage no matter what — but an accounting of years means ZERO. I am perceptive and I catch words, resentment, the works. I look for signs of love at a later date in marriage.

But getting to you, Phyllis, tell me a person who is a young adult who will listen to their mother on a subject like this. It doesn’t happen … and only later we see how smart she was. I call your situation a large bump in your life, but you are now vibrant, you have learned from those not so good years, and you are an inspiration to us all with your peotry and your wisdom. Again, life with its twists and turns.

By joan larsen on 04/30/2009 11:44 am

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Are you talking about Margaret Stair’s post above? If so, you’re not that perceptive nor do you catch words when you said that you didn’t hear the word happiness even one time. The end of her post, she said "We are all pretty darn happy."

If you meant someone else post, then I apologize. Hard to tell which is been referred to sometimes.

By John Lee on 04/30/2009 11:57 am

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Actually, researchers have found that, after the first year, the lust component of the relationship has subsided. So after four years, it’s more likely that they’re in love after all, not lust. It’s also possible that the woman’s daughter just has different values than her mother. Religion may not be so important to her, and if the man is underemployed, because he’s a chef or a musician or a writer or an actor/singer/dancer (add your own word here), she may value his creativity more than his ability to "provide for" her. She may feel that money for status is not so important, or that with her career, she will be able to provide for both of them, and with today’s social values, she may not be wrong. Bear in mind that even very well matched people get divorced. So it could be that, while her choice may not be the right match for her mother, it could be just the right match for her.

By blue tooth on 05/07/2009 9:41 am

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Margo, How did you read that the stepmother is on good terms with the stepson? I thought that she might not get along with the son and is just having to do her part even if she still feels like the outsider.

By Nancy B on 04/30/2009 1:09 am

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I’m with you! I guess it’s possible they have a great relationship and she is just being facetious. But my very first thought was that she was being maybe a bit snarky.

By Deena B. on 04/30/2009 7:47 am

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Just a feeling I get reading, as Margo did, it definitely sounds like the woman has a good relationship with her step-son. One, people who can use self-deprecating humor about a situation is generally not too uptight. Second and more importantly, why would she give a hoot about her dress if she didn’t care about her step-son? She would instead complain about the "real" mom wearing something that she wanted to wear or some other item. She seem like she actually cared to wear the right thing, so I think Margo’s guess is likely to be correct that they have a good relationship.

By John Lee on 04/30/2009 10:41 am

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As a stepmom who has been to two stepson weddings in two years, I don’t think we can tell her relationship with the stepson from her letter…at least I can’t. Wicked stepmom could be funny or a pejorative. And wondering what to wear has nothing to do with her relationship to the stepson IMO. Regardless of your relationship, one wants to look good but not too good…or at least I did. And I didn’t want to inject myself too much into the planning, because it’s not really my son. My goal was to be as polite as any good guest would, look good, and let the parents who raised these kids take center stage.

This is from someone who has two adult stepsons and has only been married to their dad for ten years, so it’s likely to be different if the marriage is a longer one. But still…it’s a fraught situation. Any fashion event with pictures that last forever is, no? I was quite stressed and we all get along quite well. I can’t imagine the stress if we didn’t. Just my $.02.

By Hope Springs on 04/30/2009 2:29 pm

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i too, am a stepmom of two grown step sons. i always call myself the step monster. i met my first step son at 6mos (he of course didn’t remember that 17yrs later) and then again just before is 17th birthday. his brother and i met for the first time when he was just turning 16yrs. these two brothers only met me b/c of their half sister and brother, my children. my two were then 20 and 21yrs.

i was cautious around them b/c their father didn’t like me and their mother wasn’t fond of me either. also considering who they were i was totally surprised that they raised to respectful, loving and open hearted boys. for a while i had to drop my kids off at their uncles house to visit and i had to wait outside or come back and p/u my kids. well, the 17yr old would always come out and talk to me. the 16yr old was shyer. but as time went on both warmed up to me and the shyer one if my smart mouthed favorite.

when the 17yr old turned 20, he got married and invited me to the wedding along with my kids. i dressed in something nice and breezy b/c san jose is hot in june. i was put at the table with the BIL that wouldn’t let me in his house and he had to talk to me (lol, i enjoyed that part, now we are over all that and just fine as family). i was worried about going to the wedding b/c i didn’t want to take away from their mothers day. so i offered not to come. he got mad and said i had better be there or i wasn’t his step monster anymore. he just had a son 2mos ago and we went to meet them in san jose last month on vacation. his mother and i get along great now (our mutual ex died back in 2003 and is out of our misery). she now is step grandmother to my grandson and i’m step grandmother to her grandson. so i say she was being facetious and if she wasn’t then she should still go looking good as it’s a great reflection on her.

By Nancy Pea on 04/30/2009 10:21 pm

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Probably, you are right. Hopefully, you are right. Sometimes it is harder to tell exactly what is meant from the written word, as opposed to hearing someone’s tone of voice, etc…

By Deena B. on 04/30/2009 6:56 pm