Dear Shelly - wear a smile, be classy and kind. 

Worried Sick reminds me of my own mother so much.

All through college I dated a "very nice boy" whom she adored. (So much so, that she started planning the wedding without us).  And when I finally understood that it was more important for him to make *me* happy than to make *her* happy, and ended the relationship, she was devastated.

Several years later, I started dating a man who she flat-out hated. Not only was he of the wrong race and ethnicity, and far from the pick-of-the-litter in looks, he was also ten years older than I was, with one divorce already. 

On our first date, at a little Italian restaurant he liked, we struck up a converstation with a couple at the next table. They asked us how long we’d been married…

Our sixteenth anniversary is tomorrow.

oops that was supposed to be EVER (not every)

LW#1 you are selfish, predjudiced and mean. i’m sorry to be so mean to you. but you really deserve it. being shallow and putting blame seems to your finer points.  your wanting of perfection for your daughter is totally out of line. as the old saying goes, "if you like it, i love it!" just b/c he isn’t perfect in YOUR biased eyes, doesn’t mean he isn’t perfect in her eyes AND her eyes are all that count.

i could see if he was beating her, treating her bad or sleeping around behind her back. but since he is giving what little he has to the relationship, sticking with her for 4 long years even though he has to put up with your disaproval everytime he sees you or hears about you is pretty darn good. who cares what he weighs, what religion he chooses to worship or the fact that he doesn’t have the best paying job in the world. none of that is any of your business if she loves him, he treats her right and they are happy. so BUTT OUT, accept him and respect him. b/c someday when you need her she will not be there for you if you push her away like this.

in fact he may be a contributing factor in your care someday ALONG with her and it would be good if you could use the milk of human kindness to think about that. but you won’t because all you care about is YOUR feelings, YOUR tastes and YOUR biases. in the end YOU will end up old and alone if you keep up this line of thinking. good luck to you and i hope you see the light before it’s too late!

LW#2 go to the wedding in whatever you feel comfortable in. probably understated is good. you don’t want to outshine the mother of the bride. bring a gift your happy with (i never go for registry stuff and we refused to get a baby registry when my grandson was born we wanted gifts from the heart) but nothing to ostentacious, again you don’t want to get something that will outshine the mother of the bride. good luck and enjoy your evil step mother status. i adore my step monster status and wouldn’t trade it for the world!!!

Just wondering concerning LW1—Did her mother-in-law accept her right away when she married? I"m sorry she is battling cancer but I don’t see that as an issue with this. As a parent, all I can do is try to raise my daughter the best I can & teach her values that include being fair & accepting of people. Not every prospective mate will have the perfect look, perfect job or even practice the perfect religion,whatever that is. Frankly, I don’t see a problem. The fella can always lose some weight if he wants, people change jobs all the time & what differnece does his religion make? What concern is that of hers? As long as he treats her daughter with respect & love the two of them are ahead of the game. The mom needs to back off, wish them well & live her life instead of butting into theirs.

I must be the luckiest woman in the world.  My sons each found adorable, intelligent, feisty, good humored, hard working, nicely curvy, spirited, charming girls who are delightful and fun and beautiful and all anyone could ever wish for and who are also able to stand up to my two boys.  I love them and wouldn’t trade them for anything.  I look forward to the day when they decide to have children (they all want kids, eventually) and until then I have to be content with grandcats.  I thank God every day.

I am the mother of two married daughters and we must live by example if you want a good relationship for your daughter.  It is a different world for her than it was for us. Trust that you have shared good values, morals and goals for her to follow and create on her own. I hve just had a book released called Family Secrets or Lies. it might be an interesting read for you.

www.eloquentbooks.com/FamilySecretsOrLies.html

Worried Sick,

 

I feel for you. I am in the same boat. My daughter is going to college and working her butt off. Her so-called boyfriend, who she lives with, keeps telling her he is going to go back to school. The fact that he claims he wants to be a cop should be her first clue he is full of it. He looks like a druggie, for heaven’s sake. She is 19 and he is almost 22. I think if he was really interested in getting an education he would have already done something about it. It’s not like he couldn’t do it right out of HS. My life experience tells me he is just telling her he is going to go back to school to pacify her. Mostly because my BF (who is like a father to her) and I have asked her several times in the past what his plans are. I don’t expect him to ‘take care of her’, but I sure expect him to contribute! She plans to always have a career, even after she has children, so it’s not like he would have to have a job that would support all of them. But do something more than you are doing now! Minimum wage will not get you far, and she will get tired of being the one to carry him all the time. I can see it, she can’t. I quit saying anything. She has to see it for herself. If it turns out I am wrong I will admit I was wrong about him. I do hope and pray that I am.

Wow, I am appalled at the meddling mother. Get over yourself! Its about Florence, not about you!  You described my husband to a T. He is overweight (as is his entire family), he works a crap job trying to find his dream job (which is hard in this economy, even with his degree), and while I am Catholic, he is agnostic. To add to the list he came from a welfare family while I came from upper crust. If my mother was as judgemental as some of you I would have been wisked away and hidden from the "vile monster". Instead my mother respected me, respected my love and understood that I am a grown woman and know what I wanted. Both of our gorgeous daughters are thin, blonde, blue eyed and stunning. They both look like their father and his mother. My husband suffers through his low pay for ME, he knows he could move to a big city somewhere and work for mega bucks, but I don’t want that life for my kids. As for religion. My husband does not agree with the Catholic Church on 99% of its teachings, but respects me enough to agree to raise our children in the church. We live an average life full of love and respect. Our Families support us 100%. I want all of you awful judgemental people to get off your high horse and remember "He without sin may cast the first stone".

It is in your best interest to find something positive about him and focus on that! If they get married and have children your daughter will have to choose its not fair, not to mention they usually pick their husbands.

Maybe you can find some volunteer work to get your mind on something else. I have been a cancer patient and volunteer as well, anytime my mind isn’t on my problems its a better day for everyone involved.

Bobbie 545