Dear Margo | 07/22/2009 11:00 pm
Dear Margo: Is MySpace Her Space?
Her father’s former lover (who she strongly dislikes) has tried to
contact her online and she just wants her privacy … Margo Howard’s
bright advice
Is MySpace Her Space?
Dear Margo: After he and my mom divorced, my father dated a woman I’ll call "Lucy" for less than a year. During that time, she alienated my sister and me, let her daughter use our toys (and break them), and let her daughter blame things on us or bully us into doing what she wanted. Fortunately, my father broke up with her and she went back to her ex-husband. My problem is this: She has tried twice over the past year to contact me on MySpace, asking me how I am and whether I have a good life, etc. I do not hate her, but I do not wish to have contact with her. She and her daughter made my sister’s and my life a living hell while we were still recovering from the divorce. Do I ignore her requests, or do I tell her point blank that I want nothing to do with her? — Curious Daughter in Nebraska
Dear Cure: This is dealer’s choice, my dear. By ignoring her and not responding, the silent treatment would have the same effect as telling her off. If you are so inclined, it would not be out of line to write back and say that your experience with her was not a happy one and you don’t see the point of being in touch. There is a chance that she has two things in mind, and these are just guesses: She wishes to make amends, or she has her eye on your dad again. — Margo, suppositionally
When It’s Dad, Not Jr., Who’s Gone to Pot
Dear Margo: My husband of seven and a half years is causing much stress in our family. He has always enjoyed smoking pot with friends and alone. For most of our relationship, he’s (poorly) hidden it from me, knowing I don’t approve. We have three children and have decided to go for No. 4. With the three we have, I got pregnant right away. Now it’s been seven months of trying and No. 4 is not happening. I think the pot has probably killed many of his sperm. I’ve asked him on several occasions to stop so that we can give this baby thing a fair shot. I told him it was important to me, and he agreed to stop smoking. Now, three weeks in a row, I’ve caught him smoking. I’m so upset over this — not only for the smoking, but for the lying and the fact that I just can’t trust him. His only response is that he’s sorry he’s upset me and he’ll try to do better. I think that’s a bunch of bologna. I’m so disappointed that I can’t even stand the sight of him because I feel I’m just being taken for a fool. He is also overweight and always has been. He comforts himself with food in addition to marijuana. This is squashing any warm, romantic feelings I have for him and building a wall of resentment. What can I do other than take this to a professional? — Fading Fast
Dear Fade: What’s wrong with a professional? There are many issues involved here. For one thing, scientists disagree about whether pot causes infertility. And at the moment, it is illegal. Could his continuing, after promising to swear off, be a way of telling you he doesn’t want another child? Is his marijuana use an addiction and, thus, not subject to a sincere promise to stop? Should he just go on a diet and get sexy again? (Of course, pot famously encourages eating.) I think the behavior you are seeing is immaturity more than the marijuana; sneaking is adolescent. What he does is his business, but how he acts out is your business. He needs to grow up, which is something you can’t do for him. And I can’t help wondering why you want a fourth child when it sounds like you may not even want your husband anymore. — Margo, inquiringly
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.
COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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Read more about: Advice, Dating, Dear Margo, Family, Health, Internet, Margo Howard, Marijuana, Marriage, MySpace, Pregnancy, Privacy, Relationships, Wellness
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A note to the wife of the marijuana smoker. Why on earth do you want to have another baby when you are obviously married to an addict? If your guy can’t control his urges long enough for you to get pregnant, that says he has some problems that go fairly deep. I agree that professional help is merited, how about NA? Yes I know it’s fashionable to say that marijuana really isn’t an addictive drug….not that harmful….bullsh*t! At best, your guy is lethargic, deceitful and isn’t taking care of his health. At worst, he could get arrested and you’d have court fees and fines. And how much does he spend on his little habit? He has a problem and it’s a lousy idea to add another child until you’ve got that worry taken care of.
Elisabeth:
Correction: Marijuana is psychologically addictive.
EVERYTHING is psychologically addicting.
seriously… if it’s all in your head, then anything can take that place. addicts find something to be addicted to… what that thing is doesn’t really matter.
Chuck,
What’s worthy of mention is that most addicts are notorious for finding another addiction to replace the one that has been obliterated. Example: a friend’s husband was an alcoholic so for 20+ years now, EVERY day he goes to an AA meeting. I’m not saying AA is bad but I am saying that it’s a replacement and that in itself is not healthy. Why not? Because he has no friends who have never NOT been addicted to alcohol.
In the psychological community psychological dependence refers to an individual who continues to take a substance because it produces a feeling of well-being and to stop taking it would produce anxiety.
Andrea - what an odd comment to make. It makes me think that you yourself either are a closeted addict or you have no grasp of what addiction is really all about.
You say,
"I’m not saying AA is bad but I am saying that it’s a replacement and that in itself is not healthy. Why not? Because he has no friends who have never NOT been addicted to alcohol."
Perhaps the reason that your friend’s husband goes to an AA meeting everyday is because, as AA says, if you feel like you are going to drink then go to a meeting, find a meeting, get to a meeting. AA is a support group for people who have an addiction to alcohol and there aren’t any people who AREN’T addicted to alcohol or drugs or other addictive substances that DO understand what it is like to live as an addict day in and day out. People who have never been addicted to something do not know how easily it can control and take over your life. Some who are in AA are wholly involved and go to meetings everyday some don’t. It is a matter of choice. Just as the addict CHOOSES to get help.
I shouldn’t be surprised though why you would make a comment such as that since you also made the comment that marijuana is only psychologically addicting. That isn’t fully true. It IS physically addicting to people who are predisposed to becoming addicted. It affects the pleasure centers of your brain and once you get that first high, for those that are addicts, you are constantly chasing that high because you want the PHYSICAL effect of what it does to you.
Any addiction has a psychological component because the vast majority of people who are addicts tend to also be self-medicating for depression - which is a PHYSICAL and PSYCHOLOGICAL problem.
My father was an alcoholic and AA saved his life. It allowed him to go from being a drunk who couldn’t keep a job and was irresponsible to a man who became incredibly successful in his job and in his personal life. Did he go to meetings every day? Not after some time, but he told me once that in AA there was a sense of brother and sisterhood because those that were in with him who knew what it was like to be an alcoholic. Something that those that AREN’T addicted will never understand.
But hey, whatever your opinion is it won’t make a difference to me or the millions of others who had their lives made better because of anyone of the Anonymous organizations. And that IS your opinion, not a fact. I’m just proud that my dad got his help long before I was born and I didn’t have to grow up with an alcoholic parent and that he stayed sober for 33 years till he died.
In using the DSM-IV criteria, one should specify whether substance dependence is with physiologic dependence (i.e., there is evidence of tolerance or withdrawal) or without physiologic dependence (i.e., no evidence of tolerance or withdrawal).
I’m not going to write a thesis on the distinction between psychological and physical addiction or dependence, but suggest it would be a good exercise for you in order to understand the differences. That said, it’s important to know that of those people using THC, EXTREMELY few have true physical dependency. Those who graduate to physical addiction have used it for an extraordinarily long time. Fact: Most people who smoke marijuana smoke it only occasionally. A small minority of Americans - less than 1 percent - smoke marijuana on a daily basis. An even smaller minority develop a dependence on marijuana. Some people who smoke marijuana heavily and frequently stop without difficulty. Others seek help from drug treatment professionals. Marijuana does not cause physical dependence. http://www.drugpolicy.org/marijuana/factsmyths/#addictive And there you have a professional opinion.Yeah, exactly! It’s your choice to want to have 4 children (though I personally think that is a bit excessive, providing the love and care that 3 kids needs these days would take up all of my time), but in this situation, it is ridiculous and irresponsible. I’m going to guess it’s NOT the pot that prevents you from getting pregnant, more likely it is the weight. Afterall, like you said, he’s been smoking pot the entire relationship and you didn’t have difficulty getting pregnant the previous three times.
Lastly, remember how a couple weeks ago, all these people on this blog were up in arms because Margo said that women who have 3 or more children with bad husbands/boyfriend need to take responsibility for themselves? How’s this for the exact example of how some women need to take responsibility and it is often just as much the woman’s responsibility in control who many children they have as it is the man’s. One or two can be forced or accidental, but 3 or more, the woman needs to take stock of her choices in life.
To the writer of the first letter: Just say no! This woman has nothing to offer your life, and I agree with Margo: she either still has designs on your father, or she just can’t take a hint. Either way, she is not your problem.
To the woman with a pot-head for a husband…why would you want to expose a fourth child to a man who can’t outgrow his addiction to weed? Give me a break. He’s stuck in some Cheech and Chong fantasy land where he has no responsibilities like a wife and three kids. He doesn’t sound like he can handle it as it is. Adding a fourth would just be adding misery to what sounds like an already miserable situation. At some point you have to let go of old behaviors, and it doesn’t seem like he’s ready or willing to do that. Worry about the three kids you already have. The fourth is the one you’re married to.
Dear Wife:
While I don’t judge you as harshly I do agree. Love may have made you blind (and I know about this kind of blindness) but you can see now.
Your husband is teaching your children to lie and more importantly he is teaching them to lie to their core family members. He is also teaching the sloth and that it’s okay to break the law. The law may be wrong (I think it is) but if you know he is smoking I am certain they do. It’s hard to unlearn those lessons.
You are teaching them to have low standards and accept 2nd rate love.
This needs to change. Weakness is not an attractive quality in a man or a woman. Each of you needs to do some growing up fast to ensure your kids are able to grow up well.
There are a lot of things out there that might be good for a person but consuming something way above sensible will not be good. Anything then could be elevated to "addiction" if it takes priority above something or people who are more important than that substance or object. Then the problem is not really marajuana, food, television, alcohol, etc but it is the distorted priorities. When those things take top billing then there is definitely a problem.
There have even time I have eaten good food but to a point that my glucose level goes up too high. Is it still good for me then? The point is then the amount and the misplaced priorities.
In addition, as it was mentioned, is the juvenile behavior to say one thing and do the exact opposite or to lie about it is a bad sign. What else could such a person lie about? Faithfulness? Love? Wanting children? Once lying starts then where does it stop? This sort of lying is damaging to an essential in a close relationship…trust.