#1…she’s made her bed, now she has to lie in it This affair won’t last; he’s lost his job & everything that mattered. I’m surprised she still has her job! After all, it takes 2 to tango, & usually they both get fired. The only thing u can do now, is wait for the hammer to fall, & when it does……..!

#2…the others r right….u should document everything! If u can, when he comes to "visit", have someone else come to the cubicle for backup. He has no right to follow u around, & make unwanted comments. If HR won’t help, go over his head to whoever is in charge. If that doesn’t work, go to the EEOC & file a complaint. Show them all the documentation u have, & make copies of everything! Is there any way u can carry a small recording device? If all else fails, do like the other writer says & contact a lawyer. Good Luck!!

As the parent of the cheating daughter, I would feel horrible that I had raised such a malicious narcissist.  The whole situation reveals that whatever lessons of ethics, or classic morality taught to the daughter didn’t stick.  Unless of course, she was taught post-modern ethics, which is live for yourself, do what’s right for you, do what you have to do and we are the source of our own morality, not God.  So then you get "if it feels go, do it."   And so she does.

I would ask my daughter whether or not she would still respect me if I cheated on her father, and broke up the marriage.  What if he was devastated, and maybe ill with some cancer or other disease, in other words, dependent, like her lover’s family is on him. She might shrug her shoulders and say, "I’d want you to be happy."

I would ask her if she saw someone sleeping on the beach, who was obviously getting burnt to a royal crisp, if she would bother to wake him since he’s obviously wasn’t feeling any pain while asleep?  What if there were young children, maybe a toddler and baby asleep on the blanket too, and they were both so red that their little skin was already starting to blister?  Again, while sleeping, they obviously aren’t feeling any pain.  Do you wake them?  Wake the parent?  But look how peaceful, and blissful they look.  Why trigger all that pain by waking them up?

The daughter’s answer would provide the direction of the next comments.  If she said, "I’d walk right by, figuring it’s none of my business," then the parent has a far larger problem then she originally realized.  Personally, if a child of mine said anything of the sort, it would feel like a punch in the stomach, and I would know that I had failed to raise a caring human being.

I would ask my daughter what she thought of people who get high on drugs or alcohol, and then commit heinous crimes, like a brutal rape, or maybe, carving their initials in someone’s face to get back at a girlfriend for breaking up with them.  What about a mom who does drugs, and is high, while her baby drowns in the pool.  Should she be held accountable for the death?  Imagine in all these cases the perps were feeling really, really good, due to the drug.  Would that matter?

Next I would show her the National Geographic article on the Chemistry of Love, and how our powerful brain chemicals produce such tremendous euphoria, and pain-killing "medication."  I would then ask her how her own brain chemistry might be affecting her judgment.  It’s like she and her lover are blissfully sleeping on the beach, both getting burnt to a crisp. She’s’ just not feeling the pain, yet.  Would she want someone to wake her up?  Would she want someone to help protect her mate from the scarring blisters?   Just because she’s not in pain, doesn’t mean that lots of other innocent people aren’t being scarred for life because of her actions, and inactions to be protective.  

#2  As it would take time for the system to take action after the complaints are lodged, I’d go for something more subtle in the meantime, like sending myself flowers, with a big drippy love-struck card.  I’d also make sure to have a picture of a hunk of a man, maybe someone in military camo holding a gun.  Then I’d get a big expensive looking fake ring, and wear it on my left hand.  

I’d put a sniper decal on my car - maybe one that said: "Snipers - America long distance service providers."   Psychological warfare. 

LW#1 reminds me of a situation i had with my husband when he met his new wife and they started a family. he let his wife abuse my kids. they told me about it and told him that if he couldn’t control her, that he couldn’t see them. so he decided the new wife and kids were better. i was furious. but in the end it worked out and she got her just deserts.

there is not a lot they can say to their daughter except that if he would abandon his own children like that, what would he do to hers or any children they might have together? love is blind and she isn’t thinking straight. but yes, she thinks she has won. until the bills start coming in and suddenly she is doing all the paying. hopefully by then she will get the picture and send him back to his wife. 

they never realize that since he backdoored his wife with her, why wouldn’t he eventually backdoor her with somebody else? that is because he is in love with her and he would never do that normally. i bet you look into his past you will find out that he has done it before that is why she packed up and left so quickly because she has been through it and finally gave up.

as for my ex husband and his new wife, i found out she was doing it to get him to abandon her kids. she really didn’t want to use him for anything more than a green card. but by then he had learned his lesson and refused to lose his second set of kids. til the day he died (april 2003) he had a key to her and her fiance’s house, came over every weekend and sat around with his kids in her kitchen. when he died she was still married to him, but separated, so she was next of kin (not my daughter who really didn’t want to deal with him in that way) and at her sons insistence had him buried with full services at her cost (we believe in cremation, for some reason the peruvian culture doesn’t). if that’s not getting her just deserts i don’t know what is. 

so all the parents can do is voice their opinions and sit back and wait. only if they have reason to suspect the man is dangerous by law can they step in to safeguard their grandchildren (and even if he is dangerous, she will still resent it probably). good luck, they will need it!

Always read, never posted, - but this time I feel I gotta say LOVE your child!!  (LW#1).  My parents are going through some sh*t with my little sister presently; all you can do is be there - we are there, and she hates it, but when it comes down to it YOU are all she has. NO friends / man(boy) is going to be there. Especially if he left what he already made.  I could / should elaborate but it’s not worth while. 

 I’d like to thank Margo for letting me post and hopefully I do not sound too much like a jackass.  I love the comments and the questions! 

LW1

The LW’s daughter may have gotten in over her head with this guy and may now hae guilt about calling this quits.  She may feel that she "got him fired" or that he left his wife "for her". None of that is really accurate, as it sounds as if he made his own bed in getting involved with a subordinate at work. 

She sounds like she used this guy to get out of an unhappy marriage. My advice would be to explain to her that you support her in leaving her marriage if she feels it’s best, but that you’d like to see her put the other man out of the equation for a bit. Explain to her that if it is meant to be with the boss, it will work after the messy divorces, job hunts, and other problems are resolved first.

Personally I think the daughter really screwed up, but nobody knows the whole story.

 LW 2

Wow, he reminds me of that character "Jerry" on "Boston Legal".

The first thought I had is that you know that dude snoops in her stuff when she’s not there. I guarantee you he goes through her desk. If she’s going to document, she’d better keep the notepad in her back pocket, otherwise he’ll find it. Seriously, a locked two drawer filing cabinet is the first thing to buy—store your purse in there too!

 I think he’s definitely snooping. Whether or not he’s stalking I don’t know, but he’s meddling in her affairs and paying too much attention. I’d start discreetly looking for a new job while I’m learning this one—just in case.

Ltr2: It’s a double-edged sword no matter how you look at it.  You have the right to take legal action against an abusive employer when HR does nothing (and they usually don’t).  Then future/potential employers have the right to perform a background check that often includes whether or not you’ve sued previous employers.  They can then pass on your application and say simply that they’ve hired a "more suitable" candidate. 

Finding another job is the best option.  But with millions out of work right now and no end in sight, it’s almost a non-option.

Everybody has a Crazy Boss story.  I had one who once threw a chair across the room that almost hit me.  I turned in my resignation, struggled for a little while, but then landed in the best position of my life.  In a sense, that maniac’s actions led me to a brilliant new future.  His career and lofty aspirations, on the other hand, have since imploded. My new employer performed an extensive background search on me, and I’m glad I didn’t have that kind of litigation on my record.  The Crazy Boss turned out to be quite adept at digging his own grave.  He didn’t need my lawsuit to end his career.

If the chair had actually hit me, I could have filed criminal assault charges.  Now that would have been satisfying, whether or not it turned up in my background check!

Dear Heartbroken:

Your daughter’s relationship will run its course. Decide how you will respond to the wreckage. I hope you will do everything possible to protect the children involved.

Dear Frantic: find another place to work, and do it now.

 #2   The woman and in fact anyone who finds themselves in this position needs to do the following:

a) start a journal detailing incidents with her boss and specific as to   date/time/place.

b) put all complaints in writing to HR and her boss’ boss. Again be specific. Do not beat around the bush and pussy foot around the issues. State that his behavior is not only making her uncomfortable and making it impossible to perform her job satisfactorily, but that she considers his behavior threatening and harrassing.

c) make an appointment with a lawyer who specializes in employment law. This is a highly specialized field and she will want someone who knows what they are doing. While she may not have a cause of action at this point, they can certainly guide her in what to do or say to protect herself from this nuisance.

d) ask for a transfer and if this is not possible, dust off her resume. Chances are if she continues to complain, her boss and/or her company will take retaliatory action, including discipline up to and including termination. It is far easier to obtain a new job while employed than unemployed. 

Many people work in states where employment is "at will", which essentially means that you can be fired for almost any reason at all including the fact that your boss doesn’t like you. What you can’t be fired for is belonging to a protected class. In other words, gender, age, race, religion as well as a few others. Only an attorney can really help you determine if your situation has a legal remedy and so it is something that shouldn’t be ignored. For most of us, we work because we have to and the last thing anyone needs, particularly in this economy, is to face this sort of stress in the workplace. Most of us are replaceable and most companies are aware of this fact. It is critical to know your rights and responsibilities and ensure the company also stands up and protects you from anyone who makes it impossible to carry out your duties effectively.

One last note, the word harrassment has become very overused in recent years. The legal definition of harrassment is somewhat different from what we think of as harrassment. Sometimes, rude and vulgar behavior is just that, and a firm but polite rebuke is all that is necessary. Unfortunately, it is not against the law to have a jerk for a boss. In the letter above, I would say her situation is far different and she may have a boss with an unhealthy interest in her and she needs to take further protection to ensure it stop. Best of luck to her.

Signed,

Works for an employment attorney.