Dear Margo | 11/05/2009 12:00 am
Dear Margo: Please Google Karen Carpenter
Please Google Karen Carpenter
Dear Margo: I am very worried about my boyfriend. "Lake" is 21, 6 feet tall and 140 pounds. Lately he’s begun eating less and less — like one salad per day along with coffee and diet soda. He told me he was "just trying to lose a few pounds," but I think this might be something more serious. He now insists that we walk if we’re going somewhere, and he runs for at least an hour every day. Could this be the start of anorexia? He has certainly had a stressful few years. His parents disowned him when they learned of his homosexuality, and before that, they always pressured him to be "perfect." Six months ago, I underwent treatment for and successfully recovered from bulimia, so it isn’t like I’m new to the eating-disorder thing. I know how easy it is for this to get out of control. I’ve tried to convince him that he doesn’t need to diet, and that starving himself is unsafe, but he refuses to listen, saying that he doesn’t have a problem and that he knows what he’s doing. Am I overreacting, or should I keep trying to get through to him? — Blue
Dear Blue: You are not overreacting, and he needs to see someone — soon. His new habits are dangerous, and you should insist he get help and treatment. Everything you mention is a clear sign that his sexuality and his parents’ response to it have sent him into a tailspin. The fact that you lived through your own eating disorder should give you the clout to override his denials about being anorexic. Give it your best, and perhaps tell him you can’t stick around and watch him kill himself. — Margo, promptly
One Out of Three Ain’t Bad
Dear Margo: I have three lovely daughters, all in their 40s. My problem is with my youngest, who lives out of state. Our visits are very uncomfortable and are affecting my desire to visit her or to have her come here. It seems I express my opinion too much to suit her. Inevitably, I end up crying, as she gets either terribly angry or sarcastic. I never seem to see this coming and am blindsided. We apologize and make up, but the atmosphere is heavy with the anticipation of my doing or saying something "wrong" again. I don’t know what I am to say so as not to cause this strong reaction. She tells me the problem is that I act like a "know it all." I just think we are having conversations with occasional differing opinions. Last time I visited her, I asked why she was driving on a different street than she normally takes, and she construed this as my trying to give her directions. That’s how sensitive our conversations have become. What can this be about? — Uncomfortable Mother
Dear Unc: Something is clearly getting under your daughter’s skin, and it appears to be you. This does not mean it actually is you, but that’s where her displeasure is aimed. She is prickly about something and feels, justifiably or not, that you are forever correcting her. Some people would advise you to walk on eggshells when you visit her and say very little, or agree with whatever she says. But that is not what I would do — simply because it’s too tough to put on an act for one’s child. I would take a break from the visits, and perhaps ask one of her sisters to suggest that she get to the bottom of why she finds you such an irritant. My guess is that it’s easier to blame you than whatever is the actual problem, or that she is hanging on to something from childhood that she’s never resolved. — Margo, experimentally
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.
COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
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Letter 2: I have always had problems with the communication with my mother. Lucky I have been in therapy and she joined me for one of my sessions. I learned that I can never change her and I am very much like her per my therapist at that session. So what she sees in me that she does not like about herself which cause her to react negatively toward me. Even though she will never see this, I do and am able to back off. I realize that I can not change how people behave but can only control how I react to others.
I am also bi-polar and live in CA and she lives in TN. So I go and visit her and my sister. She is beginning to understand that I can not be in her company for a long period of time without me having mood swings. It took one time for her to realize this and the fact that I will not stay at her house due to this. The fact is that I have taken responsibility as to how I need to moderate my contact with her. Thankfully my sister lives very close and I can stay at her house. I try not to take too much on since stress is not good for me.
In a short version is that you will not please her and I am wondering if it is possible for one of your other daughters go with you on the visit. This might make the one on one contact not as bad.
Letter 1 - I have been in an eating disorder program in a mental hospital and I saw that it is extremely difficult for an anorexic to get over their issues with control. Your boyfriend probably feels so out of control in his life that he is controlling the only way he feels he can. The only one who can get him help is himself. The situation with his family regarding his sexuality and the perfection that they required from him could have pushed him over the edge. The most you can do is to love him and hope he will do something to help himself since you can not. I have learned that I can only help myself with my eating disorder. But there comes a time that you have to walk away. I hope he will realize what he is doing to himself and get help.
Rachel M,
You are spot on about eating disorders. It is a form of self control when someone thinks they have no control in their lives. Thank you for sharing your struggle and recovery.
"I try not to take too much on since stress is not good for me!"
to much stress is bad for anybody. have you gone to DBT classes for your bi-polar? it might help you learn to cope with your mother. my daughter, who was also diagnosed bi-polar, went to Dialectic Behavioral Therapy and learned how to deal with ppl that upset her. mostly because you cannot live your life in a shell. if you haven’t already tried that check it out with your dr. my daughter is going again because she has had to face a few triggers with my grandson’s daddy. since she cannot get him to disapear (no matter how much we wish) she has to learn to deal with him and all the crap he throws at her to make sure her son doesn’t turn out to have the same problems she does (he is 3yrs old and spends half weeks with us and half weeks with daddy and the other grandparents). she cannot run and hide from all the things he will say and do. that’s life. the DBT might help you get along with your mother better. i trigger my daughter also. not on purpose, but it happens. if you stop dealing with everybody with a trigger finger you will end up aghoraphobic. you are right you cannot change her, but maybe you can understand her better. also explaining what she does that triggers you can help. my daughter told me and i backed off. there is never a reason to put all the blame on her. maybe if she realizes what she is doing that is poking the bear, she might back off a little too. some of us (me definitely) have very dominate personalities and sometimes we need to be shown what we are doing wrong and how to make it better. good luck!!!
I am in therapy currently. My mom triggers thing from the past and it is hard with her for me to get to the memory which comes up. I deal with those items as they occur. She is not the only one who can possibly trigger me but she seems to do the most.
One example of her stressing me out was that I was cleaning out my storage shed and getting rid of a lot stuff to go into a smaller one and I forgot that whatever she gave me as a gift she wanted back. So she just kept on me constantly about she wanted this back and where were some of the things that I could not find. I told her numerous times that I had no idea where they were.
I lived in TN for 2 1/2 years and had a very difficult time there. I decided to return to CA where I was born and raised since I had a friend who would get on my case to break out of my isolation. In order to do this I had to secretly plan my drive back and left my house with everything it for my handyman to pack up and put in storage. My mom turned on the crocodile tears 2 days before I left since I told her a week before I left but planned for about 2 months. I came back since I was in such a bad way that she would have tried to get me to stay.
I am making a little bit of progress with the help of those who help me try to manage my life with therapy and medication. I did go to DBSA meetings but it did not help with my socialization issues and it was really negative on me.
I did my best by asking my psychiatrist for an additional medication to just get me thru the visit just in case. I ended up having to use it and I still had 2 meltdowns and several near misses while I was there on that visit.
I went back to TN to try to go back in my storage area to get rid of some stuff. My mom planned out my travel plan where I only was with her for 4 days of the 23 days I was there. So she does try to understand where I am in her own way. She thinks that my medication is unnecessary and I have told her either I take it or end up in a mental hospital. So she no longer brings up the subject.
It is easier to deal with her when I live 1900 miles away from her and she just can not visit me or having to go visit her. She still can get on my case regarding things but I am able to process better away from her. I do not hear from her unless she wants something.
She trys to suck me into her life and ask for advice which she never takes anyhow. She had a crisis while she was traveling in Europe with her husband which could have had her jailed in England by US customs due to his behavior. She talks a good game but does nothing to change things. So I just continue to accept a mother who is narcissistic and see me as an extension of herself. I can accept that and know that I will never change her but can only change how I deal with her to protect myself.
Ah can I ever relate to LW #2. For years I’ve lived across the country from my mother and on each successive visit it became clear that she does not know "me", but is hard wired to her illusion of who I am. All communication was based around her ideal of who I was, not who I really am. I suspect this is the case here. The daughter is attempting to stand for who she really is and the mother is blindsided because she is so clueless.
This is the hallmark of a narcissitic mother who views any disagreement as a personal attack on her. The question about driving on different streets from someone who lives in another state is classic. Rather than challenge her as to why, you could say "Oh, I don’t recognize this street." and let your daughter fill you in. Visiting ocassionally yet acting like you know the lay of the land, her routine and every day life is presumptuous. Don’t assume…try to enjoy.
The odds are that this is very much about the mother’s behavior and I suspect she knows that as she is unwilling to sit down and ask her daughter if there is something in her behavior that upsets he. The suggestion to put a sister in the middle does not do anything. Let mom woman up and speak to her daughter directly and be open to the fact that yes, she just might be doing things wrong.
Elizabeth, I’m not sure if you didn’t read the letter carefully, my response carefully or both. The question about driving isn’t the hallmark at all. Odds are mom is the problem, because she only blamed her daughter and never questioned what she might contribute to their issues.
I guess I didn’t read it as "blaming" her…she just didn’t understand. I’m sorry, but I don’t have a lot of sympathy for people being passive aggressive….if her mom is doing something that ticks her off, then she needs to say so, BLUNTLY. My mother does this too, and used to be very bad about it. I finally put my foot down, and started being BLUNT with her. If I didn’t appreciate the question, I flat out told her so. If it was none of her business, I told her so. She knew that she could cross the line, she knew she was being nosy, and once she started getting called out on it, she made an effort to stop. She still slips, and sometimes I humor her, but it helped our relationship immensely to get out of the passive aggressive blame cycle.
All that said, I can only go on personal experience, and what the woman wrote in her letter. I’ve asked people questions dozens of times that were totally innocent, but in hindsight could’ve come off wrong, and sometimes did. I think the woman just need to ask her daughter point-blank: Have I done or said something that upsets you..and then be willing to hear her out. If the daughter shrugs it off, and or won’t tell her, then she’s put the ball in her daughter’s court. My mother honest to god had no clue just how much her "advice" and questions were ticking me off till I said something. Sure she was upset for a bit, but she got over it.
I can also relate to that letter, but from the daughter’s side. My mother IS an irritant. She’s one of those drama feeders, in fact. She has always tried to manipulate everything to suit her idea of what mothers and daughters should be rather than just letting life happen. Additionally, she always has to be in the middle of everything and can’t even miss a conversation. As a result, two of three of us can’t stand being around her. One still visits and allows her to visit, much to the detriment of her mental health, the other—me—just wrote her off.
Once we all reached adulthood, she thought we could all be best friends and tried to force us into that mold. That’s something that needs to be engendered from the beginning and, well, let’s say she didn’t. When dad died last year, she tried to force us into some "it’s just us girls now" thing, and literally drove me away immediately after the funeral. I had intended to stay a few days, but it seemed that her husband of over 50 years passing suddenly wasn’t enough drama, she kept wedging herself into everything.
I suspect she is narcissistic as you describe. Whenever any of us told her about something new we got, she would hijack the conversation about hers, and how it’s better, and the deal they got, and how you should have shopped for it, etc. Every conversation returns to her, and when you return it to yourself, she has to go. I could go on, but I find myself sympathizing with the daughter on this one. It will be one year on the 10th since dad died, and I haven’t spoken to mom since December when she had an "it’s all about me" attack. She called over the weekend and do you think I answered it? Fat chance.
Letter #2, great letter. So many women I am sure can relate to how you feel. I can’t agree with Margo more, the answer is definitely to take a break from one another and allow your daughter to deal with whatever the issue is. If she will.
We see this in all types of relationships, that being that no matter what you say to someone they become defensive. And the answer is always that it is something bigger than is being presented. Letter writer 2 needs to be emotionally prepared for hearing the root cause of her daughter’s animosity. Something tells me based on her letter it must be something deep-seated.