LW#2…I think that the mother may actually be part of the problem. Just as Leigh Hart said, the mother’s behavior is probably a trigger. If she reworded her sentences in her conversations, the daughter might not be as defensive. If the mother would think before she says and say things in a nonaccusatory way, the daughter might not have a guard up all the time. IMO the daughter has probably lived a life of having to defend her every action all the time to her mother, and this has probably built up since her childhood. My relationship with my mother is not always th ebest because of similar things. She tends to speak in a critical tone to me, and has ever since I was a child. But, as an adult, I can see that she was that way with every one she loved. I haven’t figured out why yet, but I remember her being that way with my father until he finally gave up and just followed her every lead. I remember thinking as a child why wouldn’t she just love my dad as he was since he was good enough for me!

Best thing for this mother to do is to change HERSELF since that’s the only person she can change. Don’t walk on eggshells around the daughter, be be positive in everything you say and the daughter may finally see the mother as a loving person.

Letter #1: It seems your boyfriend is indeed, understandably, taking his parents’ rejection very hard. Sad. You must step up and gently confront him. So his parents expect "perfection"? And how do they live up to that, having rejected their own flesh and blood?

Letter #2:  Margo: "…or that she is hanging on to something from childhood that she’s never resolved."  Yes, that could be key. It’d be impossible to entirely keep quiet; how is that "visiting"? OTOH, the mother gives a clue to mentioning the daughter taking a different street and commenting. If she’s the sort who watches like a hawk and comments on any (even the most trivial) change, newness, etc. — then yes, that would be irritating. Maybe the issue is finding matters of substance and importance to discuss and comment on. If she’s taking a different route, so what? Clam up on petty stuff like that, etc.

In reference to LW2.  I know Margo always answers the writers question from the writers perscpective, but what if the writer is the one at fault. Before accusing her daughter of being the one who is at fault, she should ask the other 2 sisters if they feel their sister has a point, making sure to let them know she only wants to resolve the issue and will not be offended if they say the sister is right.

Another perspective may be the daughter may have issues with depression.  I have a sister who was the same as the daughter.  Now my mother was no angel, but the rest of the family was able to get along with her.  My sister even moved to a different city just to get away from my mom and every time they visited, my sister got very stressed and often had big blow out arguements with my mom.  It turned out my sister was suffering from depression. 

Mothers can feel entitled to be weirdly frank with their opinions to their daughters where they wouldn’t be to anyone else. I smiled ruefully when I read Letter 2, remembering how my mother would tell me my hair was looking awful or my skin was bad when I visited her and when I got upset would say "But I praise you too!". I’d try and explain that it was better not to say anything negative and she would hate it if I did the same but she didn’t understand at all! She thought of me as her project which needed tweaking from time to time and as the creator of the project felt perfectly justified in doing it.

I would suggest that the mother treats this as a matter of urgency and maybe even forces a discussion with the daughter so that both can get their points of view across and agree on a different way of connecting.

For me, the situation changed abruptly when my father died and I had to look after my mother. She suddenly started to appreciate me and the criticism stopped. I was always wary of her though and could never quite relax around her.

I am the 4th of 5 children.  Yesterday my mother said all of her children hated her.  I said flat out, "I don’t hate you mom, we are very different in every way and we don’t always see things the same way."  She thinks  her 3 children living out of the home hate her because they don’t call her every day like she called her mother.The reasons that my siblings dont call her is because they get so annoyed by her negativity.  Everything has a negative comment about how things are not the right way.  I live with them, and I have a daughter.  We slept late today, and when I came downstairs, she was ANGRY, slamming doors, giving tude, acting generally like a fool.  Why, because it wasn’t done her way.  So yes I got up late, but in 20 minutes my daughter got dressed, went potty, ate breakfast, brushed hair and teeth, and I got her to school with 3 minutes to spare before the bell.  We did it with no yelling, no doors slamming, and does it matter how I did it?  I appreciate everything they do for us, but my daughters teacher mentioned how happy my daughter is that we are moving for the next school year.  My daughter gets so sick of the tension and anger all the time, and my mom can’t see it.  So when I move I will "hate" her in her mind because I plan on callng when I have something to share.

I notice the daughter in letter #2 is the youngest of three.  I suspect that’s where the problem arises.  Younger kids are often frustrated by being held back from trying the things they see their siblings doing, always with the explanation "well, you’re not old enough yet."  It comes across as patronizing, and as if the parent assumes that the youngest is somehow a little bit incompetent.  And she experiences this for YEARS in childhood - the formative years included.  It’s like being discriminated against, because after all - the youngest can do nothing to make herself anything other than the youngest, and so many activities are really not age-based, and the kids know it.

Now she is in her 40s.  Any differences between her and her sisters are long gone, but every time her mother questions her about something she does, that deeply-ingrained childhood experience rears its head: There’s Mom treating me like an idiot again.  The older daughters, having grown up as the "senior" kids, may not have felt this way, and may not see any validity to the experience of the youngest.

I can see both sides of L2. Recently I was visiting my daughter (married, mother of 2, responsible adult) and she took a road that I would not have taken. She lives in the same neighborhood we used to reside in when she was growing up, so I know the roads and had my own way of getting around. When she took a turn I wouldn’t have taken, I heard myself saying, "Why are you taking this road? You should have gone this way." because it deviated from my mouse-in-a-maze mindset.

Immediately, however, I caught myself and apologized, saying, "Never mind. You’re a grownup and know how to get to your own house. It was just an old habit of being a mom and teaching you how to do things my way." We laughed and it was dropped. I can see how, if I hadn’t backed down, this could have turned into a tense situation.

It’s hard to stop being a mom, and it’s hard to stop being the child. When my parents try to tell me what to do (fortunately, that really doesn’t happen much anymore) it really irks me so I try to remember that when I’m talking to my kids. My way isn’t the only way, even though it might be the best way. :-D

In my forties, I was in a  turbulent marriage, had 2 school-aged children, held a part-time college teaching job, and studied toward a doctorate; my mother sat in my living room. At 21, without parents, she had arrived in the US to begin working in a garment factory, had an arranged marriage, worked alongside my father in a small store, and she was the only survivor of her family by the time she was widowed at 58 and chose to remain alone in her home, depending on small  savings until S.S. kicked in with a tiny benefit, and now she was visiting her only child and 2 grandchildren.

 I was about to reply to her in my bitter, harsh voice when I paused. There sat my 5’1” mother, quietly looking at me, and I saw this tiny woman who depended on my hospitality. She was not that powerful figure I had quarreled with my entire life. Now, she depended on my invitations, giving no advice, bringing news that would not upset me, for she had  lost everyone, husband, friends, & neighbors.

 At that moment, I recognized that I had remained in that bubble of adolescence when every word she spoke irritated me, when I wanted to escape and start my life, and  she, a shrill diabetic depending  on insulin,  stood daily alongside her husband waiting on women customers pinching pennies, and she feared I’d make mistakes and bring shame to our home.

 I paused again, and somehow resolved that I would not reply rudely or dismiss what she had said. We were alike in many ways, stubborn, assertive women who took on many responsibilities, and we were impatient with each other. She always knew she could depend on me in matters of consequence, that I was practical and competent, and eventually I found  appropriate housing where she made friends in a supportive community, could speak her mother tongue, and her remaining years  were filled with friends. My children used to joke that her social life “nearly killed her.”

 So, now, I pause, awaiting my almost 50 year old daughter’s acknowledgment that I have no power over her, that she easily dismisses me, does not permit me to speak, and does not call or write or listen unless she needs help with childcare or to shop for her clothes, and her body language reveals her antagonism and disdain. There are  few visits when I am well or sick; there is no chatting or impromptu moments when she reaches out to say something kind though I have supported her decisions with money and encouragement, and I have taken care of her 2 boys at birth, and later, and when the children’s tantrums were unbearable, I’d invite my grandsons to spend time with me.

 As imperfect as I am, I am still here, and somehow, my daughter makes me feel that it would be more comfortable if I were not.

 So, when do daughters grow up and take responsibility for their attitudes and behavior? Is it better  to perpetuate the belief that mother is that disagreeable force who undermines everything said and done? Is there ever accommodation and generosity, or must it remain that meanspirited post-adolescent "winner take all mission "?