and while we’re at it… 

#1) he doesn’t want to go to a doctor, fine… take him to a trainer.  

DEFY him to find ONE trainer, or ANY knowledgable sports person, to agree with what he’s doing.

if he knows what he’s doing… well all those other people who know stuff would agree with him, right?

he says he wants fitness… hit him with fitness. actual fitness, that is.

I have the same idea as a few other people. Since my mother is SUPER critical and almost everything out of her mouth is a put down, I can sympathize with the daughter of LW#2. My mother visits my WORK and will say how bad my hair looks - ‘just because she wants me to fix it’. She didn’t like the house I bought myself and still says I was lied to by the realtor - 5 years later! Any decision I make myself is wrong. Anything I do is judged and weighted - from how I raise my son to what job I hold to what I wear. Fortunatly, for the sake of my sanity and my son - I have learned to ignore it.

We still get in major fights every few months - because she tells me how to run my life. I haven’t lived in her house for years, but I should still run every little decision through her. I buy something for my house and I’m critisized because I shouldn’t be able to afford it. I shouldn’t go where I want for vacation - I should go where she wants me to go.

So yes, sometimes small items - like telling me I should get a haircut - will make me blow up at her "for no reason" and result in me not talking to her for a few weeks. Of course, the only response I get when I tell her this bothers me is that she’s trying to be helpful. No - she’s trying to run my life.

So I have learned to not let her in on some decisions, not mention things until they have already be done and keep things to myself instead of sharing every aspect of my life. Once a decision is done - it’s done. I am not sure if she’s trying to keep me from making a mistake - but I do think it’s a little late for that.

For the mother - you might ask what’s bugging the daughter - sit down and have a chat with her, but it’s my bet - you either won’t get the answer you’re looking for or you won’t get an answer at all.

Ah, Moms. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them. (this of course includes Mother-in-laws, which adds another whole big ball of wax). I watch my husband and his Mom a lot. You think Mother and daughters are bad, you should see this son and Mom go at it. Sadly, Mom has her own view on life, and how things should be done, and they do not mesh well with my husband’s (or mine at times either!). After some years of marriage, I discovered that everyone listens to Mom, lets her think things are a certain way, then ignores her "suggestions". Once I figured that out, we get a long much better now. 

My husband says about my Mom, "My Mother-In-Law has the good graces to live 2 states away!" He and my mom get along great!.

And this just comes to mind, I know I wasn’t a star child to my mom. I was a very angry little girl, lashing out a lot. As time went on, and I grew up - physically, mentally and emotionally, - and learned some of my mom’s history, and came to learn why she reacted he way she did when I had a tempter tantrum. About the time I got married my mom came to me and said "Can we be friends?" And now we are friends. I know my mom is my Mom, but she is also an adult, as am I. Something, I think, a lot of Moms seem to forget (my mother-in-law come to mind) is that when we daughters grow up, we’re now adults. Please treat us like an adult. (no, i don’t have kids yet) The relationship I have with my mom is that we are both adults, just happen to be mother and daughter. The relationship I see between my Husband and his mom keeps switching from Mother and Son ("you will do as I say, Son, because I am your Mother") to two adults talking about whatever. And this relationship seems to switch back and forth even on the same day.

Moms, please take a set back and remember that your daughter (or son) is grown. If she is taking a different road home, maybe the other road is closed, or maybe she’s discovered that this way is faster. Listen to your son. Really listen. Then listen to yourself. Yes, you are Mom, but we’re all grown up now. We have to make mistakes on our own and learn from them.Yes, you are Mom, but realize that when your daughter got married, she moved out, and now she has a family of her own now. Your son moved out and married, realize he has a family to take care of now, calling everyday like you did before he married has to stop. And please-remember that He/She has a new family now, so Hoildays are GOING to change.

I’m going to stop now, because I could go on and on about Moms, mother-in-laws, and daughters. 

I just hope that with I have a daughter, I remember all this when she grows up. 

oh, and LW1, sweetie, DRAG your boyfriend to a doctor, kicking and screaming if need be. And hold his hand through all of this, and keep holding his hand afterwards.

Regarding LW2, the mother is basically asking how to continue to disrespect and make judgments against her daughter without offending her.  The only answer is to quit judging and give some respect.  Perhaps at 40 the daughter still hasn’t earned her respect, but the answer is not to continue relating to an adult as a child.  Have some boundaries. 

When you genuinely respect someone, you don’t find yourself questioning their choices, or when their actions confuse you, you assume that they must have good reason.  Then when you ask something like, "How come you went down this street" it is obvious to the listener that you are merely curious, and not judging them. 

First though, you have to actually establish that you respect the person.  If you have trouble treating someone with respect, imagine they are a police officer.  Would you ask a police officer the same thing or in the same tone?  It’s not about walking on egg shells, it is about the way you choose to think about the person. 

Why do you need to know what her reasons for driving down a different street are?  Even if you know a better route, unless you’re driving an ambulance to the hospital, such nitpicky details are hardly important.  The fact that you focus on at all them may be the problem in and of itself.

L#1

Dear Blue,

Margo has given you some good advice.  I’ll add that you should tell him that you love him unconditionally and that you are terrified that he is doing harm to himself.

You can find information and resources for help for your friend here:

http://www.anad.org/  and  http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/thin/  and  at the National Eating Disorders help line 800-931-2237 

Find a group and tell him that you are going for him - with or without him and then go.

Wishing you and your friend much success, peace and true happiness,  E

Letter #2  Just because Mom says, doesn’t mean you have to do. Once you cut the apron strings, you don’t have to take her advice.

I was lucky to have a design career because every single thing I created was sent out to be evaluated and criticized by a team of people without me there to defend it. I was forced to get used to sometimes-rediculous criticism.

Now I’m a different daughter to my mother. She had her thumb on me growing up. I did whatever she said, and if I didn’t she argued and even yelled until I did. A four hour argument complete with tears was common. My sister would just agree with her but then run out the door to do whatever she wanted.

Now when my Mom says, "you should do this, you should do that" I say, "Thank you for the advice." One day not long ago she told me what to do and then said, "Well, why aren’t you doing what I said?" And I replied, "I appreciate your advice Mama, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to take it. I have other things to consider." She was nonplussed, shocked even. Lucky for me she still gives me advice, because half the time it’s very useful.

My sister hasn’t reached that mental state. She seems to have gone the other direction. Even the most innocuous comments she mistconstrues into criticism. She has become progressively more depressed and stopped calling her entire family. We’re sad about it because she lives in another state and we all miss her kids. We miss her, too, but she’s always angry. 

For a while I tried to keep in touch, to listen to whatever she was pissed about. But every conversation would turn. She would be offended by something I said because of what it ‘implied.’ No matter how much I said, "I didn’t mean that and I don’t think that and it hurts to hear you say that I would want to hurt you." She just got more angry until she hung up on me. I would wait a month and try again, but it’s been years now and it’s only gotten worse. Last time we talked she said she was angry at her parents for not teaching her how to handle life. But they did. She just wasn’t listening. 

L#2

Dear Uncomfortable Mother,

I agree with Margo - for some reason you are getting under your daughter’s skin.  Although your daughter feels that something is wrong she may not be able to identify it or to put in into words for you or even herself to understand.  It would be wrong to set one of her sisters up as an investigator for you.  Doing so could be quite bad for the relationship between the two of them and I’m sure that you want to foster open and loving relationships between your daughters.  I’d suggest short term family counseling for you and all, some, or any one of your daughters.  You and they will all gain a great deal of insight through such a process.  This could be the best gift you ever give to your daughters and yourself.

Wishing you much love and expansion,  E

Letter 2 really sounds like my mom and my sister. In their case, they are both a little bit to blame. They have never gotten along as well as I have with each of them. My mom just irritates my sister and she can’t let it go. My mom can be bossy and controlling, but she’s also very sensitive and would be horrified to know she was described that way. She raised us to be very independent, but then feels left out when we don’t always need her for everything. My sister is also very sensitive. When my mom says something irritating, offensive, or crazy, it really gets to her and she has to respond. This usually starts some disagreement and they both get their feelings hurt. I don’t know why but it doesn’t bother me. I just laugh it off or say "ok, mom, that’s an interesting opinion!" All that said, my mom is really a wonderful person, she’s just losing her filters a little as she gets older. She’s also lived alone for a long time and is used to expressing her opinion no matter the situation. She’s not going to change now, my sister just needs to learn to live with it and let it go.

There are 3 sides to every story, and we can’t know if this mother was critical of her youngest daughter throughout her life, or if the daughter is using her mother as a convenient target for her control issues. If the mother was continually critical and now the daughter finally has the courage to say "enough!"—then rather than be passive aggressive waiting for her mother to slip up so she can attack her, they both should have the maturity to discuss this in person.

If an open discussion free of defensiveness isn’t viable, then the mother should write a gentle letter to her daughter expressing where she’s coming from and where she’s been, and she should let her daughter know that she’s open to hearing her out. She should also communicate to her daughter how she’d like the relationship to progress. Mom has to put herself out there a little to see what comes back, instead of playing control musical chairs. If her daughter doesn’t reach out and meet her halfway, then at least she’ll know she made the effort. We aren’t guaranteed time, and hopefully her daughter doesn’t choose to wait to communicate with her mother when it’s too late. None of us has an abundance of time to waste in this life.

I read once that resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. If someone won’t remove you from her life, yet she won’t allow you to help work things out either, then that person is choosing to cuddle up to resentfulness and anger, rather than healthy resolution.

I know this could be a simplistic yet complex answer at the same time regarding LW2 — The 40’s is a time of hormonal changes.  Peri menopause to be exact.  If the Mom and daughter got along relatively well prior to this, aside from the normal disagreements daughters and Moms can have.  Perhaps it’s simply hormonal  and trust me you can get cranky and unpleasant with those you love.  I don’t like to blame everything on hormones, I just know personally that it has affected me.  

LW#2, I had this same problem with my daughter.  In our case, she has extraordinarily bad PMS. It effected her for about two weeks out of the month.  We would start to have a conversation when BAM!  she would be pissed as hell and yelling at me for having a different opinion. This went on for years until she finally got on a birth control pill called Yaz.  Worked wonders for us.  This probably is not your problem though.  I finally asked my daughter just what the problem was with us, she did not know and knew it was not me.  I have always tried to be diplomatic with her, not telling her she was gaining weight (when she was) unless she mentioned it first.  If I thought she was and she started to drink a soda or eat a candy bar, I would tell her it was bad for her teeth, or her complexion but not every time she did it. I did it sparingly so as not to sound like a broken record. She has changed so drastically since being on the pill our dentist called about my husband’s dental work one night and mentioned to me how much my daughter had improved in her outlook and general niceness. Is that a word?

Anyway, it could be Mom really is "always right" and just does not realize it. Just ask daughter  and make sure she is specific about her issues.  Ask for an example, and let her think about her answer for a while.  Do not demand instant answers, sometimes we need to think about what we want to say.  Good luck, I am hoping for a good outcome.

One thing that I haven’t seen commented on is Margo’s last comment, "Give it your best, and perhaps tell him you can’t stick around and watch him kill himself". 

This is key.

If the boyfriend continues down this distructive path (and by the way, he is classic anorexic) he needs to know that people very important to him will walk away. I’ve been in this prosition with a very, very dear friend under similar circumstances and it was not until I literally sat him down, held his hand and told him that he either got treatment or he would not see me again that he took steps. It’s hard to do and not without pain/discomfort but it has to happen. Boyfriend gets help or he dies alone. It serves no purpose for two people to be dragged into dispair with no hope of recovery. If the boyfriend will not face the issue and get help and the LW walks away at least there is one survivor.