There are so many similiarities in the two letters involving parents and children. I have yet to meet either a parent or child who was perfect. But until either party decides to give way from either being part of the problem or part of the solution, and chooses to work together on a resolution, life between them will only tend to exist rather than being enjoyed.

I had more than my share of times when I tried to engage my mother and test how valid her thinking was. I found out we had much in common, just different ways of looking generally at everything. Both on the same page, just different chapters. I wish I could try again, but that time doesn’t exist anymore. Life is too short to take others for granted.

Letter #2…  having lost a mother who I miss every day, it is hard for me to understand mother/daughter conflicts.  That said…my mother and I were so busy talking and enjoying being together for her to ever question which street I was driving on.  Why on earth do you CARE which street she takes to get where unless you just want to control and push her buttons.   I think SHE needs a break from YOU!   The fact that your other daughters tolerate you does not mean she is the one at fault here.   I mean…questioning which street she is taking?  That is one pretty controlling mother.  Something tells me you have questioned every single thing she has ever done in her life and offered a better way for her to do it.   And you get on her last nerve.  As you would mine.  

Perhaps if you just enjoyed your daughter rather than trying to *engage* her in discussions about topics you know you will not agree on you would get along better.  Also…it might help if when you visit her you give her the same courtesy you would to another hostess…or do you routinely question the route’s your friends take when they are hauling your ass around? 

Leigh Hart, you have hit the nail precisely on the head.  I recognized a mother like mine in the letter, and you and Karleen know whereof you speak.  I am 53 and my mother is 80, and it doesn’t get any easier!  Attempts at honest-but-gentle communication fail.  I know I will get either anger or tears from her, and she is completely unable to see interractions logically or objectively.  Everything is about her.  I’m sorry to say that the only thing I have found is to withdraw somewhat, and limit our interactions.  On the phone, I have been able to make a quick exit with an ambiguous "someone’s at the door" kind of statement, and the trick has been recognizing a no-win situation before it gets bad.  It’s very sad, but it’s not within my power to help/change her.  Believe me, I have tried everything.  She can’t change it because she doesn’t see it.  Because she won’t look.  If the Mom who wrote the letter really wants to improve her relationship with her daughter, she needs to start by looking at the things she herself chooses to say and do, and examine her attitudes and expectations regarding her daughter.  I suspect basic lack of self-esteem to be the root of the problem.

Letter Two:

Has it occured to this woman that perhaps she has worn her daughter down so much that perhaps she snapped over the question of taking a wrong stree?

I second Margo’s suggestion that she limit visits and conversations, but not for the same reason.  There might be an excellent reason why this daughter lives out of state… because it is farther away from her meddlesome/irritating mother.

I doubt the daughter is hanging onto something from childhood. More likely, the mother has been bulldozing all her children their whole lives and after 40 years, the youngest daughter has grown weary.  This woman would be best advised to ponder if the "advice" she so freely gives is meant to help the other person, or to make herself feel superior.

I suspect it is the later.

Uncomfortable Mother’s letter hints at someone  who blames everyone but herself. "It seems I express my opinion too much to suit her." I sense seething resentment and haughtiness in that.

Are the mother’s "differing opinions,"  presented with certititude and condescension ? Does Mom reflexively side against the daughter?   Is the daughter encouraged to criticize, correct, and intervene with the mother’s life choices, or is this a one-way street?

Rather than blaming the daughter (or asking strangers to side with her), I hope the mother might review her words, her tone, her resentments and attitudes to see if there’s something to learn.