Dear Margo | 07/31/2009 12:00 am
Dear Margo: When Three Is Not a Crowd
A woman, who’s been in a polyamorous relationship for years, seeks a fourth mate. Margo Howard’s bright advice …
When Three Is Not a Crowd
Dear Margo: I’ve been in a long-term polyamorous MFM triad with two really wonderful guys for the last four years, one of whom I’ve been seeing for almost seven. We have a lower-than-average drama quotient than even most dyadic (two person couple) relationships, and are all very happy with each other and our lives. We had always talked about seeking another female mate, but our non-relationship life stuff hadn’t really been such that we could devote much time to the endeavor. Now, our lives have finally settled down for the most part, and we’ve come to realize that none of us can think of a way to approach someone with this. We’ve tried online and our local poly community as places to look for dates, to no avail. I realize that it will be difficult to find someone who is compatible with all of us, but we need a way to politely put ourselves out there first. Could you give three shy nerds an opener or some advice? — Wannabe Quad
Dear Wan: You are making this sound like rounding up a fourth for bridge. Although I am not an old hand at figuring out how to be of assistance to the polyamorous, I would recommend that you let life happen. This seems to be the way to go, since you haven’t had any luck with what you call your local poly community or online advertising. And it may be that you "three shy nerds" are doing fine as a threesome. I would also like to advise people who disapprove of your lifestyle not to write asking why I didn’t tell you this is not "normal" or "moral." I only and always deal with the question asked. — Margo, non-judgmentally
Up to His Eyeballs in Porn
Dear Margo: With 30 years of experience, I felt I had to respond to the many letters you’ve printed regarding men looking at porn. What started out as "looking at naughty videos" has become a lifelong disease in my home. First I found my husband’s magazines and books. Then life moved into the video age; now the computer. Besides the pain, anger and disgust I’ve been burdened with, I had to try to protect our sons from Daddy’s 2 a.m. "hobby." Later I worried they’d come home late with friends to find Dad on the computer. If I wake up at 3 a.m. on a Friday or Saturday night and want to go downstairs for water, I have to make noise so he knows I’m coming. Recently I stumbled onto, well, a new depth of depravity in his viewing that left me stunned, shaking and devastated. I confronted him, as I have many times over the years, and he swore, "Never again." Yeah, right. And now grandchildren are a possibility. Anyway, my experienced advice to women who are dating is to discuss porn viewing early on (some people are OK with it) and explain that it is a "deal breaker" for you. Let someone else deal with this guy because there ain’t no cure for this one. — Sadder but Wiser
Dear Sad: I always listen to the voice of experience, and I’ve seldom heard from a woman who is good with her husband’s affinity for, or more likely his addiction to, porn. A couple, together, enjoying erotica is a far cry from a man who’s parked at the computer for hours on end forking over his credit card number for sexual entertainment. — Margo, cautiously
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
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Read more about: Affairs, Dating, Dear Margo, Love, Margo Howard, Marriage, Polygamy, Pornography, Relationships
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#1. Margo’s response is correct. If you three found each other when the time comes you will find somene to complete your polyamorous life. I have no clue about polyamory but suspect it is like the dyadic situation. The more desperate you appear to be the less likely you are to find a perfect partner. And while I do not want to appear judgmental about your sexual life I do think that you are being a bit haughty about it all….maybe you think so much of yourself that no other woman wants to join your cozy threesome? Of course…that is only idle speculation on my part because frankly…you bore me.
#2. Agree with Margo again. Have no solutions to this problem. It is what it is.
Sounds like Bob and Ted and Carol are merely looking for Alice.
As for the porn problem it’s a little late for her but years ago I parted company with someone with the very gentle hint that what was wrong was that I preferred live and he obviously preferred memorex.
Did your mother ever get these kind of letters?
This has been an increasingly recognized problem. A quick google search turns up quite a bit. I found the following article interesting:
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=3832
I suspect I am addicted, as well — tho without the little kids!
Letter Number Two: I think it is excellent advice to get into this discussion early. I had a younger friend who complained to me about her husband’s addiction to porn viewing on the computer. Nightly. They had a baby boy. She stuck it out two years and left him, and at the time, I thought that was rather a harsh move to make. She didn’t. I basically view pornography as harmless, but now I think "with limits." And how do you know where the limits are? When you are online with wowOwow, and he’s online with BowOWow, you might have a problem.
#2: The soon-to-ex had & I’m sure still has a major porn problem. Our only TV was in the family room. One night when I was tucking her in and singing to my younger daughter, age (I did this with both my daughters until I started working 70 weeks, 3 years ago- it’s a great time to talk) she told me that she had found a dvd in the player and that if "Daddy and you want to watch this sort of thing, please make sure to remove it, as it creeped me out."
I told her that I was very sorry, but that I hadn’t been watching it. I then took the dvd from the player, wrote down the circumstances, and put it a safe place for if there was a custody battle. I told the H that he’d better not leave porn around for the girls to find again! Much to my astonishment, he asked for his disc back. Um, no.
Cheers,
Constance
Heavens! You can tell it’s past my bedtime. The daughter was age ten, and I was working 70 hour weeks.
Sorry!
I come from a unique perspective on letter #2. Not all porn viewing is due to addiction nor is it problematic. I was in adult films for six years and met thousands of fans of the genre and me personally at conventions and personal appearances. Yes, there were some people who were far too "fan-ly" and, frankly, creeped me out. They think it’s real (well, I wasn’t imagining it, but you know what I mean), that the the majority of girls will do what they see in the movies and somehow they’ve been short-changed. It was very sad. Even *I* didn’t do in my personal life what I did for a living. But I can count those on one hand and maybe my other pinkie. The rest were just your average Joes. It’s not like they were hiding something from me like an addict would their wives or girlfriends. They would honestly provide TMI, and given that, I’m positive they weren’t holding anything back.
So it bothers me when one person who has a bad experience demonizes anyone who enjoys adult material and suggests that every transient viewer has a problem. That’s just not how it is. I’m sorry for their lot in life, but in my little fiefdom there were plenty of couples who enjoyed it together, although I prefer not to. My only gripe would be if it interfered with when I wanted something from him…
It definitely has its downside from each angle, but like everything else that has an addictive quality, everyone who indulges be it alcohol, gambling, even food, is not an addict. (Although in your case, Constance, I would have wooped him upside the head for just not being responsible.)
The porn industry literally makes billions of dollars every year. Yes, the customer base, like any other commodity, has its share of "addicts" but most are just regular people for whom porn happens to be an occasional hobby. I consider myself to be one of those "normal" porn fans that enjoys it in moderation. As Kathleen so eloquently puts it, it’s a movie fantasy just like any other. You don’t expect Daniel Radcliffe to act like Harry Potter in real life, nor Arnold to really act like a Terminator. Like everyone else in other types of movies, porn actors are just that..ACTORS. What you see them doing on the screen in no way bears any resemblance to how they might or might not act in real life.
As for porn itself, I say, like anything else, that it becomes an addiction when it causes you to interfere with the responsibilities of life. Typical signs are:
1. You prefer porn over real sex, and eschew intimacy with your mate in favor of it.
2. You ask your partner to perform some bedroom action you picked from a porn movie you KNOW they would never do (it’s ok, sometimes, to ask for something once for fantasy play, but if they say "no", it’s important to take that seriously).
3. Spending money on porn to the point where you’re having trouble paying your other bills or have no money for other kinds of entertainment
4. Feeling you have to hide it from your partner, and continuing to do it despite the guilt you might feel
5. Devoting time to porn to the exclusion of all other hobbies.
Now me, I look at porn occasionally, whether on DVD or the web, maybe once or twice a week. It’s something I choose to do when I’m alone and my wife is away, when nobody else can see me, and I view it for maybe an hour or two at a time, at most, the same as if I’d watch any other movie. It’s something I enjoy and a nice way to relieve some sexual tension I may have when I’m on my own. My wife knows I do this, and she doesn’t mind, and once in a while if she’s clearly not in the mood, she doesn’t care if I go look, and sometimes she’ll walk in, glance over, and just continue on her business. I know that even she will indulge sometimes, although much less often than I do. She has her own Hitachi vibrator and a few issues of Penthouse letters on her side of the bed she uses as "help".
And sometimes, if it’s a really special occasion, we share a viewing together. It really is a good thing, when you use it for enhancement of self and each other, instead of being completely obsessed.
Wow, Paul. Pardon me for saying, but once or twice a week isn’t really occasional. That falls into the regular category. Dude, occasional is like….two or three times a year as in, "I go camping occasionally."