Recovering From Childhood

Dear Margo: I dislike my mother. I lived with her for five years due to my father changing jobs and my not adjusting well to the high school in the city he moved to. While I lived with her, she would scream at me, throw things and make sure to let everyone know what a nerdy loser I was. Now that I’m older, she’s trying to suck up to me by giving me piles of clothing and jewelry. Plus, her husband is unemployed, and she works for chump change in a nursing home but still wants to pay for a full dinner after my upcoming wedding because that’s the way it’s done on TV apparently. I’m really tired of this. I’ve told her many times that I don’t want her spending money on me because she’s 57 and should be saving for retirement. But she doesn’t listen. I also deeply resent her trying to be a mother now that I’m "cool," instead of 20 years ago when I was a lonely adolescent who really needed one. Do I just swallow my rage? — M.B.

Dear M.: These are always sad situations. Your mother, who is apparently limited and perhaps troubled, is trying to make amends in the only way she knows how: with things. I do believe in letting people say "I’m sorry." This does not mean you have to change the way you feel. Because it sounds as though there is distance built into your relationship, I would write a letter saying it is unrealistic for her to want to pay for the wedding dinner, but you will take the thought for the deed. She feels guilty, obviously, so without throwing the past in her face, ignore the gestures and ditch the rage. I pass on to you something my mother always said: People do the best they can. — Margo, thoughtfully

Gays, Marriage and Religion

Dear Margo: Over 15 years ago, I identified as a lesbian after becoming attracted to my amazing and wonderful best friend in high school. Senior year, we finally had a connection and realized the beginning of our love. We are now engaged to be married and couldn’t be happier. Growing up, I was instilled with strong Mormon values, including the taboo on homosexuality. After coming out to my family, I was kicked out of the house at 19. I had a stretch of self-destructive behavior, but my girlfriend stayed by my side. I’ve been clean for eight years. Now that we’re getting married, I would like to reconnect with my family so that they can be there with me for this important part of my life. I am unsure how to approach them, as we have not had any contact in years. — EN

Dear E: For reasons I do not understand, I have been hearing from a lot of gay Mormons lately. Your situation is not uncommon, but nonetheless heartbreaking. For parents, even those who read the Bible literally, to disown a child because of his or her sexuality strikes me as harsh and almost unnatural. To me, it is no different than ringing off from a kid who happens to be left-handed. My gut tells me that if your family could not deal with your lesbianism, there is little chance they would wish to see the two of you get married. If you would like to extend the invitation, however, go ahead and test the waters, but don’t be surprised if they decline. As for me, I wish you and your ladylove all the best. — Margo, pessimistically
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

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