Reading the Tea Leaves

Dear Margo: I have been dating a man for a little over a year now. He has a good job and an easy laugh, and we have lots of fun times together. However, I get aggravated because it seems he can’t do anything for himself. His house and all utilities are in his father’s name; his car and cell phone are in his mother’s. If he gets sick he will stay at home and suffer unless his mother or I make a doctor’s appointment for him. He is extremely passive and usually goes along with what others say. If we argue, he just sits there, staring into space, and will not say a word. He is 40 years old and wants to move forward with our relationship, but I am hesitant. I have three children (two boys) who have no contact with their father. I would like someone in their lives who can show them what it is to be a man, stand on their own and one day take care of their families. Plus, I’d like to know that he could take care of me in a time of need. Am I wrong for thinking this way? — Flummoxed in Ohio

Dear Flum: Well, it seems to me that you might want to discount his good job, easy laugh and fun times together because the underpinnings do not sound promising. I do not know why everything is in someone else’s name, unless he is a credit risk or hiding from the law. He clearly sounds as if he has no get up and go — particularly when it’s to a doctor. The passivity (along with his passive-aggressive approach to disagreements) is not what I would call a good role model for children, be they boys or girls. So no, you are not wrong for thinking this way. I would predict making a life with this man would be a lot of work. — Margo, inferentially

Only a 58-Year Age Difference!

Dear Margo: I’m a 38-year-old single male in charge of features at a newspaper in the Midwest. I get a monthly column from a woman who, God bless her, at 96, is still an enthusiastic cheerleader for the arts and culture in the area. But here’s the thing: Although she’s been writing her arts column for about 10 years and we’re in the same church, recently she’s started inviting me to local arts events, to her home, baking things and sending them to me at work, and acting put out if I’m not here when she calls. She’s a strong believer in the philosophy that you’re only as old as you feel. Since Christmas she’s sent a half-dozen cards to my home. Up until now I have been polite, but I’ve come to realize with a growing sense of horror that she may be taking my politeness as something else. I guess I’m wondering what level of rudeness will wave her off without hurting her feelings, because I’m getting the idea that, in her mind, she thinks we’re dating. — Curmudgeon

Dear Cur: Oh, my. It is admirable that this woman is a proponent of "You’re only as old as you feel," but the reality is that being four years shy of 100 can also make you less emotionally acute. It is entirely possible there’s a touch of dementia, which is causing this woman to heighten, if not sexualize, the friendship (such as it is) in her mind. This is a not uncommon occurrence with the elderly. A likely companion piece to her actions is that she is no doubt lonely. After all, how many contemporaries could she have? I do not think any level of rudeness is required to get the situation back on track. Merely ignore the cards, etc., and offer a cordial and businesslike response when one is required, and perhaps inquire if she has checked into any seniors’ groups in your area. — Margo, managerially

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

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