Dear Margo | 05/06/2009 11:00 pm
Dear Margo: Looking for Greener Grass
A woman is in love with two men — married to one of them, sleeping with the other … Margo Howard’s bright advice
Looking for Greener Grass
Dear Margo: I’m in love with two men — married to one of them, "Jack." The other man, "Roger," I’ve known for years longer. Roger and I had a physical thing prior to my meeting Jack. At the time, I asked him to make it official and he turned me down. I’ve always had feelings for him, and they weren’t resolved when I met and married Jack. I even told Jack about it. I love my husband, and I know he loves me, but in the last year and a half we’ve started drifting apart. (We were married in 2006.) I’ve suggested counseling a few times, but he says we don’t have the money (no insurance) or the time. He says we can work it out on our own. We try, things are great for a few days, but then they slide back.
I see Roger around a lot, and he has professed his love for me numerous times. Recently, I started an affair with him, and I don’t know if he keeps coming into the picture because we were supposed to be together, or if it’s to test the strength of my bond with Jack. I don’t want to make a decision I’ll regret, but I know I’ll have to make a move one way or the other soon. Each man fulfills needs the other doesn’t. I’m sure this is how polygamist sects get started. I have no idea what to do. — In a Predicament
Dear In: Your "drift" certainly wasted no time in making an appearance, your marriage having taken place not quite three years ago. As for Roger, I don’t think he "keeps coming into the picture" because of any karmic forces; nor do I think the love gods sent him to test the strength of your bond with your husband. As I understand the Book of Mormon (well, OK, what I know from watching "Big Love"), polygamy was not developed so that different spouses could make up the perfect person. Life is choices and decisions. I suggest that you clear the playing field (i.e., end it with Roger) and concentrate on making things better with the guy you walked down the aisle with. Right now you are playing with fire. — Margo, dedicatedly
When Looking Is Just Looking
Dear Margo: Is looking at naughty videos on the Internet cheating? I recently caught my boyfriend viewing videos of women on a well-known user-posted video site. These were not pornographic, just scantily clad females performing stripteases, etc. I was very hurt and upset, but he promised he will not do this again, and I believe him. I forgave him and we’re going on with our relationship, but I’m torn about the situation because I know that men are going to look at other women, even when they’re in a relationship, and that it can be "just looking." The fact that he was actively searching for other women to view, however, bothers me still. Other than this incident, he’s never given me any reason to doubt that he loves me. (And we have an incredibly good sex life.) — Distressed in Tennessee
Dear Dis: You are right that (straight) men are going to look at other women. In a perfect world this happens when a man is out in public (and even then it’s sometimes not appreciated), but the Internet has made it easy for men to look at other women when they sit down at their computers. I don’t think your situation belongs on danger.com, however. As you say, the site was not pornographic; it was amateurs posting sexy videos, but nothing lewd. And … your fella vowed he wouldn’t do it anymore, plus there seems to be no sign of addiction. Give him a pass, stop stewing and continue with your incredibly good sex life. — Margo, attitudinally
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.
COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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Read more about: Dating, Dear Margo, Infidelity, Margo Howard, Marriage, Online, Pornography, Relationships, Sex
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Dear Margo: When Dad/Gramps Just Ain't Interested
64 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment
LW1: please forgive me for being blunt here. Both you and Roger sounds like jerks!
Roger is playing you, sweetie. He has been playing you and your emotions ever since you dated him originally. Why? Well, why do you think?
Men can sense a woman who is on the fence with her man. Both the guys in your life right now feel it. Roger is using this indecision to take advantage of you and your prior feelings (which you admit were unresolved) to get you in bed. Simple and HARSH. He tells you he loved you to keep you coming back for more. Also, simple and harsh.
And Jack? Jack senses it too. That’s why HE won’t commit to marriage counseling. Again, simple and harsh. So what you have here is not two men who want you, but two men who DON’T.
You need to decide what you really want out of life. To me, and again, sorry to be blunt here, you sound like a spoiled rotten brat. And until you do that, you really should stop the affair with Roger and I would suggest a "vacation" from Jack. I suspect that Jack already knows about Roger, but you should come clean to him about the affair. (and get yourself tested for disease: Roger sounds to me like he "gets around") Contact with Roger should be cut completely, contact with Jack limited until you figure out what you want.
If, after spending some time alone, you decide you want to make your marriage work, that’s when you put your big-girl panties on and INSIST on marriage counseling (it’s normal to go through ups and downs in a marriage, and you need to learn the tools to handle them all).
LW2: I’m sure we will have a poster here at some point who will say that the internet porn thing (which is not what your man was watching) destroyed their relationship. It happens all the time. I don’t know, I haven’t had to deal with that in a relationship, but here’s my general rule of thumb. If it bothers you, you have the right to express your feelings. If he continues to do something that bothers you, knowing it bothers you, then you have a bigger problem.
In the meantime, do what Margo says and relax and enjoy the "incredible sex life"!
Nanchanu- I love your saying put your big-girl panties on.. too good and too appropriate!
LW1 - You have made a mess of thing. If you leave your husband, then your "booty call" get what he wanted. He gets someone that loves him, would do anything for him (even leave her husband), and sex when he wants it. You need to work on your marriage - if you still have one.
LW2 - If the worst thing your husband has ever done is look at girls on the computer who are trying to be sexy. Your Lucky! He could be at a strip club looking at girls trying to be sexy - that can actually touch him. I rather my man look at girls on a 17" screen than in person. Relax - everyone has fantasies, as long as they dont physically act on them - your okay. Why dont you watch them, learn them, then give him a show in the bedroom? Lol, just a thought.
Agreed on LW2: it doesn’t sound like he’s looking at hard core porn, just burlesque type stuff. One of my best friends is REALLY into the Burlesque Scene, and I have gone to her shows. Before 10pm. Because before 10, they do kind of an old fashioned "cute" not to the skin strip. After 10, some more of the clothes come off (nanchan blushes!).
But if he kind of likes it, why not indeed! It can be FUN!
BTW: In my friend’s class, some of the gals are as old as 80s! Which proves, you’re never too old to have fun :)
Horrible note on this one about one’s guy going to strip clubs. We have a big computer/geek store here that I am always harrassing my husband that he’s NOT allowed to go to by himself. Stripclubs? Fine. Cheaper that way. To quote myself, "No MicroCenter. Tittybars are fine, MicroCenter is NOT!". He can NEVER get out of that geek store for under a $100.. his co-workers didn’t believe him when he told them this, not until they heard it from my own mouth!
(and we’ve been together for 15 years, married for 13 of those)
Agreed! Men are visual. Women read romances (or watch ‘Tear Jerkers’). Doesn’t make you a psychotic serial killer ready to hatch, nor does it make you a cheater/abuser waiting to happen.
It gets so old watching women freak out on this…I’ve only ever known -one- man out of the thousands I’ve ever known that I would -worry- about his sexual addiction to this stuff. The rest were just flipping through the magazine to see the ads, so to speak.