Dear Margo | 05/06/2009 11:00 pm
Dear Margo: Looking for Greener Grass
A woman is in love with two men — married to one of them, sleeping with the other … Margo Howard’s bright advice
Looking for Greener Grass
Dear Margo: I’m in love with two men — married to one of them, "Jack." The other man, "Roger," I’ve known for years longer. Roger and I had a physical thing prior to my meeting Jack. At the time, I asked him to make it official and he turned me down. I’ve always had feelings for him, and they weren’t resolved when I met and married Jack. I even told Jack about it. I love my husband, and I know he loves me, but in the last year and a half we’ve started drifting apart. (We were married in 2006.) I’ve suggested counseling a few times, but he says we don’t have the money (no insurance) or the time. He says we can work it out on our own. We try, things are great for a few days, but then they slide back.
I see Roger around a lot, and he has professed his love for me numerous times. Recently, I started an affair with him, and I don’t know if he keeps coming into the picture because we were supposed to be together, or if it’s to test the strength of my bond with Jack. I don’t want to make a decision I’ll regret, but I know I’ll have to make a move one way or the other soon. Each man fulfills needs the other doesn’t. I’m sure this is how polygamist sects get started. I have no idea what to do. — In a Predicament
Dear In: Your "drift" certainly wasted no time in making an appearance, your marriage having taken place not quite three years ago. As for Roger, I don’t think he "keeps coming into the picture" because of any karmic forces; nor do I think the love gods sent him to test the strength of your bond with your husband. As I understand the Book of Mormon (well, OK, what I know from watching "Big Love"), polygamy was not developed so that different spouses could make up the perfect person. Life is choices and decisions. I suggest that you clear the playing field (i.e., end it with Roger) and concentrate on making things better with the guy you walked down the aisle with. Right now you are playing with fire. — Margo, dedicatedly
When Looking Is Just Looking
Dear Margo: Is looking at naughty videos on the Internet cheating? I recently caught my boyfriend viewing videos of women on a well-known user-posted video site. These were not pornographic, just scantily clad females performing stripteases, etc. I was very hurt and upset, but he promised he will not do this again, and I believe him. I forgave him and we’re going on with our relationship, but I’m torn about the situation because I know that men are going to look at other women, even when they’re in a relationship, and that it can be "just looking." The fact that he was actively searching for other women to view, however, bothers me still. Other than this incident, he’s never given me any reason to doubt that he loves me. (And we have an incredibly good sex life.) — Distressed in Tennessee
Dear Dis: You are right that (straight) men are going to look at other women. In a perfect world this happens when a man is out in public (and even then it’s sometimes not appreciated), but the Internet has made it easy for men to look at other women when they sit down at their computers. I don’t think your situation belongs on danger.com, however. As you say, the site was not pornographic; it was amateurs posting sexy videos, but nothing lewd. And … your fella vowed he wouldn’t do it anymore, plus there seems to be no sign of addiction. Give him a pass, stop stewing and continue with your incredibly good sex life. — Margo, attitudinally
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.
COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
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Read more about: Dating, Dear Margo, Infidelity, Margo Howard, Marriage, Online, Pornography, Relationships, Sex
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Dear Margo: When Dad/Gramps Just Ain't Interested
64 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment
Hahahahah, Malache! You’re right that it is "so old" that women freak out over this. Another "dumb woman" trip I’ve never understood is getting angry because your man is looking at other women in real life. I’m only worried about what other women my man might be TOUCHING, and even then I’d have to think about what I’m doing to lead him into the arms of another woman (Cads not included). Too many women shut off the sex valve and then are flabbergasted when they find out their husbands are having affairs. It’s 2009 and women need to drop the shame of sex from their minds and get on with it. Especially if the woman is a wife.
LW#2, I agree with Shock. The fact that his fantasies are remaining on a screen and not becoming life size clearly shows that his main interest is YOU.
As a side note, I would just like to say men get a bad rap for this. The brains of women and men work very differently, including the fantasy part. Show a woman a sexy Elf-ed Orlando Bloom and our imaginations can run on for hours. We don’t have to answer to anyone since we’re much better at imagining. Plus, let’s face it, a woman exercising her right to fantasy is embraced far more than a man’s.
I’m not sure that men are quite as creative in the fantasy department. They need the visual, which I think is why women get so intimidated and fearful of a lack of fidelity when they catch a man with his hand in the fantasy cookie jar.
LW#2, can you honestly say you have never, ever, in the course of your entire relationship had a fantasy involving someone who is NOT your man? Celebrities included? I don’t think I would be the only one to be surprised if you said yes.
If the concept of him seeking out other women bothers you that much, you can try one of two things - A. Find the video he was looking at, replicate the outfit right down to the shoes, and re-enact the video, adding a few personalized flairs OR B. Try finding a video you can both enjoy and watch it together. You just might get some great ideas, and you’ll have the security of knowing whatever fantasies the videos inspire involve you. (Plus, you’ll be just the most coolest girlfriend EVER, LoL)
You are right on with this one. Women get a pass when they fantasize about celebrities because fortunately for them, they leave little or no evidence. Men, needing more visual simulation, tend to leave evidence (I mean browser history and DVDs, get your mind of the gutter!). The question is whether or not these fantasies impact a couple’s sex life. If a woman stops finding her man attractive because she all caught up in ridiculous romance novel ideals or celebrity worship, then she is just as guilty of "cheating" as a man who disregards his woman in favor of pornography.
Both men and women need to make sure their lover is number one on the priority list, but at the same time, both partners must also realize that a little fantasizing (within reason) is OK.
Two points — 1) The grass is always greener where it’s watered and taken care of.
2) Margo, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, aka the Mormons, has not condoned polygamy in over 100 years. Big Love is NOT an accurate representation of the LDS Church.
Shannon and RT..thank you…I understand now….just a little slow…but thank your for taking the time to clear it up….now it all makes sense….I do remember signing up for Margo’s letters now. :-)
I think that each time Margo makes a personal comment it goes to all of our inbox, in case we might be interested, and I am sure many are. At least that has been my own experience…whether or not I have posted on the topic.
I actually quite enjoy seeing her additional posts. But I think you are going to have to go to the added trouble of just deleting.
You too!
And Happy Mother’s Day if you are a Mother, Aunt, or Special Friend…