Dear Margo | 05/21/2009 11:00 pm

Dear Margo: Religious Fanatics on the Lunatic Fringe

How can I recover my daughter and keep her from hell? Margo Howard’s bright advice …

Religious Fanatics on the Lunatic Fringe

Dear Margo: Our daughter started college a year ago, and we’ve noticed during her visits home that she’s not the sweet, innocent girl we sent away for higher learning. We raised her with strong Christian beliefs, but lately she’s saying that she’s joined an atheist club on campus and is questioning everything we taught her. Now my husband refuses to let her in the house and is threatening to turn her in to the FBI. I’ve tried to cure our daughter and reconcile with her, but nothing seems to work. I’ve prayed over her at night while she sleeps, enlisted friends in a phone prayer tree and even spoken to my priest about the possibility of an exorcism. I’m at my wits’ end. How can I recover my daughter and keep her from hell? — God-fearing

Dear God: Whoa, dear. While I am sympathetic to anyone’s devotion to their religion, you need to realize that your daughter is a sentient being with the right to reject your religious views if she so chooses. Your husband is pathetically misguided if he thinks he can call the FBI to report the "crime" of your daughter joining an atheists club. Ditto for the exorcism. This young woman is not possessed, demonic or doing weird things; she is merely thinking and questioning the religion she grew up with. I would encourage you to understand that all people, your daughter included, have the right to think for themselves, particularly about something as meaningful as religion. As for hell, well, she appears willing to take her chances. — Margo, contemplatively

When the In-Laws Think They’re All Cordon Bleu Graduates

Dear Margo: I am devastated. My in-laws, without saying so, think I’m a lousy cook. Each time I invite them to dinner, my husband’s aunt and mother decide they have to come over and "help" me. At first I found this a lovely gesture, until I realized their "help" meant them taking over. I put two and two together and came to the conclusion that I must be a lousy cook. I asked my family to be honest, and they insisted that my cooking was very good. I decided to make dinner ahead of time. My in-laws barely touched their food. Some said they weren’t too hungry, others had "eaten before," all said it was "just wonderful." I decided to conduct an experiment. My sister-in-law reluctantly agreed to help me. I cooked a meal at my house, went to her house with the food an hour before the guests were to arrive, and it looked like she had cooked the dinner. The guests had seconds and thirds and raved about how delicious everything was. Now what should I do? — "Burnt" in Philly

Dear Burn: I think this is hysterical, and you should, too. For whatever reason, the in-laws want to think you can’t cook. Maybe they are nuts. As close as I can come to helping you understand what is going on is to remember an episode from my junior year in high school. I had been taking Latin for three years, and our class had to write one composition per semester (in Latin). All my submissions earned a C. I became curious about whether our teacher had simply decided I was a C student (no blonde jokes, please), so I asked Roy Sonderling, the reigning genius in the class, if he would write two papers and let one of them be mine. He said fine … and, in fact, he said he’d give me the better one. Well, I handed it in and it came back with a C. (His, of course, got an A.) So I would take it in stride, my dear. For whatever reason, they’ve put you in the "can’t cook" slot. I recommend that, in the future, whenever the in-laws come to your house, let them "help" and just think of them as caterers. Then relax and take it easy. — Margo, attitudinally
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

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133 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

I don’t see why you think they put her down? They assured her verbally that her cooking was "very good". They just refused to eat the food that she cooks (think hygiene!). I would never mind if people refuse to eat the food I cook if it’s a result of my poor cooking skill. Have you ever been offerred really nasty food? What would you do? You may eat it once, but would you want to try again? Why is it rude if you don’t like the food? It would be rude, if you loudly criticize how bad the food it. But that’s not what the in-laws were doing… If you are not an "executive chef", you can’t expect people to rave at your cooking, you know.

By peacesme me on 05/22/2009 1:31 pm

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what she is trying to say is that "honesty is the best policy" and it’s rude to sit there and pretend to eat. if they have a problem with her hygiene or whatever they should tell her. she should have also said something about them enjoying her dinner at the sister in laws house. i would rather be hurt honestly, then offended by lies. how the hell can she get better (hygiene, etc) if nobody tells her. if you had something nasty on your face would you want somebody to say "umm … psst .. you have something on your face, you might want to fix that!" or you would rather they just let you walk down the street with what ever is stuck to and ppl are laughing at you or making snide comments? you would be hurt and you would feel hurt by them. this is HER point and i think its valid.

By Nancy Pea on 05/23/2009 12:37 am

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LW#1 would do well to remember the old adage: "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours; if it doesn’t, you never had it in the first place."

It sounds to me like the daughter is just exploring the world around her, and the religious beliefs and faiths of other people. If her parents raised her properly, she’ll come back to her Christian roots, provided she is not pushed. Away at school, she is very likely seeing religious fanatics of other faiths, and can’t help but notice that the fanatics of other religions are acting in a disturbingly similar way to her own parents (seriously, reporting her to the FBI? Apostasy might be a crime in other countries, but not here. The FBI will laugh heartily at Dad, and put him on their "watch list" if he calls more than once.)

Mom and Dad are over-reacting. It’s entirely possible that the daughter joined the athiest club because they are the only one on campus that has activities she likes, or is populated with people with strong morals despite their lack of religion. I remember many of the clubs from my college days were full of drug- and alcohol-abusers, and far too many of them hopped into bed with every Tom, Dick, and Harry who asked. The exceptions? The athiest, Muslim, and pagan clubs. If the daughter had the same choices I did, she may have chosen the athiest club as the lesser of many "evils" in the eyes of her parents.

Mom and Dad should still pray for their daugher…that never hurts anyone. But they should not do it in replacement of having a real conversation with her. Back off and give her some breathing space, and I’m sure Mom ajnd Dad will see that their daughter is not going to hell, she’s just making sure where it is so she’ll make sure to avoid that road in life.

By Kat Kirkpatrick on 05/22/2009 6:24 am

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Most young people explore their religious beliefs in high school. If they don’t get that chance - and I doubt this person has - then they tend to do so in college. When the Bible says to raise up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not deprt from it, it doesn’t mean that while they are still young they won’t explore a bit!

But I still think it’s fake.

By Cool One on 05/22/2009 6:58 am

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I agree with you, Cool. While I am well aware that they exist, religious fanatics don’t generally broadcast their fanaticism to the public. I think this was someone’s idea of a joke.

By Rachel F on 05/22/2009 8:17 am

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believe me, it’s not fake cool one. as i said i went thru that. i never caught my mother praying over me. but she did just about every darn thing else. not all children get to explore anything in high school. growing up in a small town in the bay area, where everybody knew everybody, i couldn’t get away with shit. half of our congregation went to my school and the parents were all over town (it was like the stepford wives, lol). then i married another JW because those were the only guys that could see past my religion, the other boys wouldn’t look at me twice because i looked like a quaker and i could only date in my religion.

my mother told me if i didn’t get baptized when i was 15yrs old she would throw me out. i didn’t know what to do and had nobody to go to. the school counsellors didn’t know what to do either. nobody could help me. it wasn’t until my mother died when i was 18 that i started doing something about it. then the bad marriage i had gotten into had to fall apart before i really went hog wild. so don’t be surprised if there are still fanatics out there.

i had a friend that wouldn’t let her son read harry potter because it had magic in it and that’s from the devil. all i could do is roll my eyes. another thought the role playing games out there like dungeons and dragons were all demon possessing tools of the devil. funny but there are no possessions in my house and my kids grew up on them (frankly no demons are allowed here, they are too messy and i have ENOUGH to clean up around here).

By Nancy Pea on 05/23/2009 12:50 am

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there are fanatics out there and are among us! why do some people seem to think they don’t exist?

By Amanda C on 05/27/2009 4:31 pm

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too damn many of them to be ignored. it seems like they are getting more and more out of hand. i’m not talking about the cults either. those are a totally different ballgame. i’m talking about religions like JW’s, born again christians and other mass religions of ppl trying to be the moral majority without violence. they just drive you nuts with rules. nothing wrong with it if you like it. but it goes to far when they try to impose so many rules you cannot breath. they don’t even realize it either. it’s usually ppl that cannot get away from their addictions so they make it very hard to do ANYTHING wrong. it’s like a 12step on speed. lol!

By Nancy Pea on 05/28/2009 1:53 pm

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If her parents raised her properly, she’ll come back to her Christian roots

that is not true. many people raise their children properly, and their children do not find any comfort or support or faith in the christian religion.

By Amanda C on 05/22/2009 3:12 pm

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Thank you for saying that Lemon Tea. My parents raised me very well, but I am an atheist today not a Christian.

By Tracy Reed on 05/22/2009 6:12 pm

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raised well or not, some go the way they go and it’s up to them to figure it out. lemon tea is quite correct. i’m a pagan myself. not a devil worshipper (a christians first favorite thing to say when you say pagan) but a buddhist witch. no biggie. i just chant to the same higher power everybody else does. i don’t pray per say.

i told my daughter that god/higher power sent down many prophets for many different religions, i just chant thru a different prophet. she said, "Well, at least you don’t belong to a non-prophet organization!" (that always tickles me anytime she says it).

By Nancy Pea on 05/23/2009 12:54 am

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hahahahahaha, i like that! non-prophet organzation! that’s good.

my aunt is a neo-pagan, she gave me many books to read when i was young and took me to witches festivals and samhain circles and all that good stuff - it was very eye opening to say the least.

one of the best lessons it taught me is that there are different kinds of people in almost every arena - even in the pagan community where you would think most people would be caring and open minded, there are some evil nasty creatures lurking.

By Amanda C on 05/27/2009 4:34 pm

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yeah that is my favorite expression also. most ppl do not understand it either unless they read it because of the spelling. but then most fanatics cannot see past their own eyeballs anyway. lol!

By Nancy Pea on 05/28/2009 2:02 pm

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membership to christianity (or any religion for that matter) does not equal morality or goodness.

why so many people believe that, i’ll never know.

By Amanda C on 05/27/2009 4:32 pm

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I’m guessing the father mentioned in the first letter wants to call the FBI because he believes his daughter has been snatched into some kind of "cult of atheists." If you look at the tone of the letter and how aggressive the writer is regarding her and her husband’s religious beliefs, it’s not surprising that their daughter is seeking some other point of view. Some people can be very intense when it comes to their faith. Look at the whole discussion on the Jehovah’s witnesses that took place here.

By Jon Schweizer on 05/22/2009 7:04 am