Dear Margo | 05/21/2009 11:00 pm

Dear Margo: Religious Fanatics on the Lunatic Fringe

How can I recover my daughter and keep her from hell? Margo Howard’s bright advice …

Religious Fanatics on the Lunatic Fringe

Dear Margo: Our daughter started college a year ago, and we’ve noticed during her visits home that she’s not the sweet, innocent girl we sent away for higher learning. We raised her with strong Christian beliefs, but lately she’s saying that she’s joined an atheist club on campus and is questioning everything we taught her. Now my husband refuses to let her in the house and is threatening to turn her in to the FBI. I’ve tried to cure our daughter and reconcile with her, but nothing seems to work. I’ve prayed over her at night while she sleeps, enlisted friends in a phone prayer tree and even spoken to my priest about the possibility of an exorcism. I’m at my wits’ end. How can I recover my daughter and keep her from hell? — God-fearing

Dear God: Whoa, dear. While I am sympathetic to anyone’s devotion to their religion, you need to realize that your daughter is a sentient being with the right to reject your religious views if she so chooses. Your husband is pathetically misguided if he thinks he can call the FBI to report the "crime" of your daughter joining an atheists club. Ditto for the exorcism. This young woman is not possessed, demonic or doing weird things; she is merely thinking and questioning the religion she grew up with. I would encourage you to understand that all people, your daughter included, have the right to think for themselves, particularly about something as meaningful as religion. As for hell, well, she appears willing to take her chances. — Margo, contemplatively

When the In-Laws Think They’re All Cordon Bleu Graduates

Dear Margo: I am devastated. My in-laws, without saying so, think I’m a lousy cook. Each time I invite them to dinner, my husband’s aunt and mother decide they have to come over and "help" me. At first I found this a lovely gesture, until I realized their "help" meant them taking over. I put two and two together and came to the conclusion that I must be a lousy cook. I asked my family to be honest, and they insisted that my cooking was very good. I decided to make dinner ahead of time. My in-laws barely touched their food. Some said they weren’t too hungry, others had "eaten before," all said it was "just wonderful." I decided to conduct an experiment. My sister-in-law reluctantly agreed to help me. I cooked a meal at my house, went to her house with the food an hour before the guests were to arrive, and it looked like she had cooked the dinner. The guests had seconds and thirds and raved about how delicious everything was. Now what should I do? — "Burnt" in Philly

Dear Burn: I think this is hysterical, and you should, too. For whatever reason, the in-laws want to think you can’t cook. Maybe they are nuts. As close as I can come to helping you understand what is going on is to remember an episode from my junior year in high school. I had been taking Latin for three years, and our class had to write one composition per semester (in Latin). All my submissions earned a C. I became curious about whether our teacher had simply decided I was a C student (no blonde jokes, please), so I asked Roy Sonderling, the reigning genius in the class, if he would write two papers and let one of them be mine. He said fine … and, in fact, he said he’d give me the better one. Well, I handed it in and it came back with a C. (His, of course, got an A.) So I would take it in stride, my dear. For whatever reason, they’ve put you in the "can’t cook" slot. I recommend that, in the future, whenever the in-laws come to your house, let them "help" and just think of them as caterers. Then relax and take it easy. — Margo, attitudinally
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

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133 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

Can’t be Christianity! Anytime a belief in instituted outside of what God says in his word, is not Christianity. Christianity i9s not a religion, period! It is a way of life. There are many calling themselves Christians and they are not. Christians live their life according to God’s word. Everyone is going to be radical to you, simply because God does not condone your way of life and what you do! It’s pretty simple. That’s why we are not offended by your ridicoulous statements……..In other words we do not expect better from you, You’re the status quo, Therefore, this is why we’re never disappointed…….No expectations, no disappointments!

By HA BIBI on 05/27/2009 5:22 pm

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Anytime a belief in instituted outside of what God says in his word, is not Christianity

says your simple belief about a 2000 year old book put together by men. *chuckle* riiiiight!

Christianity i9s not a religion, period!

yes it is dear.

Everyone is going to be radical to you, simply because God does not condone your way of life and what you do!

nope, there are many people who aren’t radical, they are simply natural and do not kowtow to a church of old men who write crap for you to read and worship.

you also dont know how i live my life, so how you "know" that "god" "condones" it is laughable. LOL

there are thousands of different translations of the bible all from the hands and mouths of men. there is no god in that book except those who are filtered through humans.

and you dont even follow the book - so this conversation is just stupid. you arent even a christian - you have no say.

By Amanda C on 05/28/2009 12:50 pm

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"so this conversation is just stupid"

Your words!………You just can’t make this stuff up!

By HA BIBI on 05/28/2009 5:04 pm

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L#1 - I doubt very seriously if the writer was a fake. I know people like this. My grandmother was one. She was "Fundamentalist" and fun had nothing to do with it! She actually got up and stormed out of a school assembly when my brother and I sang "How Great Thou Art" accompanied by a piano! (instrumental music was not allowed in her religion) She came unglued when I converted to Catholicism! Then there are my LDS in-laws. They came very close to shunning their son when he married me, a Catholic, divorced with two children! They told him he should get down on his knees and 1) pray for forgiveness and 2) get busy on converting me. The joke was on them - I converted him! After my FIL nearly slapped me for questioning the secrecy of his church, it was agreed to never discuss religon again. But they alway manage to slip in how much they enjoy their Temple Work, or their teaching, or how sorry they are that their son cannot join in on blessings, marriages, etc. He just smiles and either walks away or changes the subject and so do I.

L#2 - My in-laws are always stealing my recipes and suddenly it is theirs and they make it "so well!" It is like I never made it in the first place. Very aggravating. So, I have just started sticking with my Southern recipes that only us GRITS know how to make properly and now, I get asked to bring them to the family meals, because nobody can copy them! LOL! As the the insensitive idiots that LW2 has to put up with, 1) her husband needs to stand up for her, 2) she should speak up about the deception at the SIL and 3) the SIL should back her up! If the idiots still don’t come around - then quit inviting them to dinner and bring chips to the next family meal!

By CharliAnn Olney on 05/22/2009 9:12 am

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the first letter writer momma should read The Shack and loosen up. I was raised very strict religiously…had to go to church every time the doors were open…could’nt date, dance, etc etc……now I do not attend and have been called a heathen…so be it. after reading The Shack, I no longer feel like I am going to hell for not attending church….the good "christian’s" verbal condemnation no longer bother me. aaahhhhhh! Peace at last to worship God as I feel is right for me.

By Debbie Learman on 05/22/2009 9:25 am

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Hi Debbie -

My friends read ‘The Shack’ and love it! I need to read it :)

By Anji . on 05/22/2009 9:38 am

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I actually met the author, before he sold any books…talk about the right time in my life! I had Yahoo! directions to a park in Gresham, for a family re-union…I kept telling my friend, geeezeee there’s no way a park could be around here, as it’s too populated…we hit a dead-end…I backed up, went the next street over, and saw 2 men walking, asked if they knew where the park was, the guy says, if you go to the end house, I’ll go in and google it for you…and can my wife take a pic of your dog? LOL…(*Giz had on his doggles and he is a cute, adorable YorkieXChihuahua)…so out he came w/directions, his wife and her camera, and a book…said: I just thought you’d like to read this…I wrote it, and will probably have a hard time selling them…..wow…I could’nt put it down w/out reading it through! have re-read it several times. Now I’ve purchased probably a dozen for gifts and another for ME on my Kindle! *it’s still on the Amazon top best seller’s list for several years now…. I always say a prayer of prosperity whenever I think of him….You’ll love it! The Secret by Rhonda Byrne is another positive book, I love, plus I’ve purchased the dvd and the 4 audio cd set for my car…….and many for gifts.

By Debbie Learman on 05/22/2009 10:41 am

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what is a kindle? or does it have to do with the book? i will check and see if it’s at my library. but i am happy with how i’m going so i probly wont have a problem with that. but it sounds like a good book.

By Nancy Pea on 05/23/2009 1:30 am

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Hi Nancy, a Kindle is an electronic reader..I have the Kindle 1, and the Kindle 2 is now out, along w/a newspaper-magazine reararyder one that is much larger, but, the part I’m not interested in about that one, is you have to subscribe to magazines…..newspapers….

the kindle works for me, as I have allergies to cats and cig smoke, and it seems when I bring home the books from a library, I always ended up at the hospital w/a breathing treatment. now…….no more allergy attacks when reading!

By Debbie Learman on 05/23/2009 9:46 am

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Great advice, Margo!

I know that there are extreme religious nutjobs out there because I grew up with two Grandmas who were overbearingly religious.

One Grandma was a devout Catholic and insisted I go to her church when I was visiting my Dad. I would go to morning service and I was bored AND creeped out because my OTHER Grandma was a holy-rolling Baptist who advised me that Catholics were not people of God!

So, these two Grandmas fought about their religion with eachother THROUGH me! One’s bible was bigger than the others. One Grandma smoked and this was a "sin". The Baptist Grandma terrorized me and a neighbor friend on a drive home from the pool. We were listening to HUEY LUIS AND THE NEWS and this was "Devil music"! She even sent over two preachers who advised me that the world was coming to an end and I needed to surrender to God. I was ten years old! And I was relieved when my Mom asked them to leave..

Needless to say, I am NOT religious. I refuse to go to a Baptist or a Catholic church. I believe in God but I am spiritual about it.God - in my eyes - loves ALL of his children.

I hope these parents can remove their blinders and learn to live their lives free of cruel judgement.

By Anji . on 05/22/2009 9:35 am

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Anji, wow, sorry to hear about that extremism. Glad you "survived", lol.

While I question the sincerity of this writer, I too know that they exist. I loved growing up in a rural area, but, unfortunately, for all the great, open-minded and "normal" people, there were a handful of whackos. One person I know (Southern Baptist) decided to tell me (while I was volunteering my time as her algebra tutor, btw, which she was failing and so wouldn’t be able to make it into the next grade without help) that me and all of my ancestors were going to hell. Why? The short answer was that we’re not Southern Baptists; more specifically, she singled out the Jews and Catholics in my family/ancestry (it really is amusing to listen to the ridiculous reasons some protestants espouse for hating Catholics [you can’t help but wonder how much they’d benefit from a critical thinking class…]; "Catholics persecuted Protestants for years!"…umm, hello? Have you read your history? It’s a two way street, honey…sure, Catholics got Protestants when they were in power, but, as soon as the shoe was on the other foot, the Protestants persecuted the Catholics too! It was a power struggle, nothing more, nothing less…but, that’s another topic, lol ;) ). It was fun to ask her why, since everyone but Christians (in her opinion) are going to hell, God would decide to let 2000 years worth of Christians go to hell too, and not "reveal" Southern Baptist beliefs until so recently. As for her — and her church’s — opinion that all Jews are doomed, I asked her what kind of "merciful god" sends his chosen people to an eternity of horrific pain because they didn’t see things the way he wanted them to. Guess what…no answers, to either question. :P

Then there was a family of fundamentalist kooks who thought that a woman’s "calling" was baby-maker; and, when one of their 6 daughters decided to marry someone they didn’t approve of, they imprisoned her in the house; she only escaped through a bathroom window.

Heck, my own grandmother’s "good Christian family" completely cut off contact with her for decades because she married my grandpa (and this was after my grandpa’s family emigrated from Italy and Sicily to avoid persecution and make a better life for themselves…go figure…). They would rather — and did — lose their daughter completely than accept that she married someone of a different religion. Their loss.

And, no, I don’t live in a "redneck state", either. ;)

By Rachel F on 05/22/2009 10:31 am

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lol anji, sounds like my religious upbringing. i couldn’t watch starskey and hutch because it was too violent. she had to check the lyrics on all the songs i listened to for any sexual content or even enuendo. one time we were at a witness overnight slumber party and my mother drug me out early because they were doing the bump and that could lead to sexual stuff. OMG we were ALL girls (and in the 70’s we didn’t know what a lesbian was and we were all boy crazy, so it wasn’t because of that). she hated sonny and cher because of the sexual jokes. but at that time i didn’t understand them anyway. it was just nuts!!!

By Nancy Pea on 05/23/2009 1:35 am

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huey lewis is the devil? *chuckle* dang satan gets in on everything good!

By Amanda C on 05/27/2009 4:40 pm

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I think God Fearing’s choice of pseudonyms sums it up. I would not want a God I was afraid of. My higher power is a loving and caring God, not some vengeful and wrathful God.

I do not understand religions that prommulgate that only those who follow that religion will ascend to a better place in the afterlife. To me the level of human arrogance it demonstrates is incredible. Who is to say that only one religions is the right one?

I believe that religion is manmade. It is the attempt by various individuals to worship a higher power as they see it, hence the evolution of the multitude of different religions. Because it is manmade it has the inherent defects of men in it.

On the other hand spirituality is my relationship with my higher power and is God made. My God does not change, only my perception of him/her. William James wrote a wonderful series of papers in the early 1900s which are now in a book called the Varieties of the Religious Experience that differentiates religion from spirituality and the evolution of both.

Back to God Fearing, how exactly is it being Christian to refuse to allow your daughter into the house? What a miserable existance they must lead if this is how they react to someone who disagrees with them. God Fearing and her husbands deplorable self centered actions may be the best thing that will happen to their daughter because it will allow her to see them for what they and their religion are. Hopefully it will give her the ability to chose what spiritual or religious path that will bring her peace and joy.

By Robyn Traywick on 05/22/2009 9:46 am

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I would not want a God I was afraid of. My higher power is a loving and caring God, not some vengeful and wrathful God.

God is not to be feared. that is the dogma of the church. if god creates humans with a heart full of love and compassion, that is the true nature of God.