Dear Margo | 04/23/2009 11:00 pm

Dear Margo: Leaving Well Enough Alone

Should this young woman turn her sex fantasy into a reality? Margo Howard’s bright advice …

Leaving Well Enough Alone

I am 25 and have been in a relationship with 26-year-old "Randolph" for two years. We, of course, have had some emotional ups and downs, but overall it’s wonderful. Our sex life has also been incredible. However, about six months ago while playing fantasy games, we pretended we were in other relationships and cheating together, and this was a big turn on for me. Now, whenever we are intimate, I always have to picture him having sex with someone else in order to climax. I keep this secret from him because it is slightly worrisome to me. I often picture him with women I have small jealousies over, and this makes me climax much faster than I ever have been able to before. Should I try a threesome? (Though, the thought of him actually being with someone else does not elicit as positive a response!) Is this fantasy more normal than I think it is? —- STUCK IN THE GUTTER

DEAR STUCK: Forget the threesome, hon, and stick with the fantasies. Yours, by the way, is one of the golden oldies. The dynamic would be different with a threesome, and they can be dangerous to the health of a marriage. Not only do the participants have to be pretty jaded, but all parties have to be in favor of this. And since you’ve written to me about it, I will be the fourth, and I vote no. —- MARGO, PROTECTIVELY

How To Be a Destructive Father

DEAR MARGO: My husband and I have been married for 10 years. Seven years ago I was blessed, after many miscarriages, to have a son. My husband has three adult children from a previous marriage. The problem is, he has completely destroyed his relationship with two of his children and is on the way to obliterating his relationship with our 7-year-old. My husband believes that total humiliation is the best way to deal with children. He gets in our son’s face and screams at him about how worthless and stupid he is. I want to step in, but that causes a whole bunch of other problems. Because of his actions we have a grandchild we never get to see, which, of course, has the ex-wife gloating. I hate to see my son be humiliated on a daily basis, and trust me, nothing is ever good enough or done correctly. I don’t know what to do. —- DISTRAUGHT

DEAR DIS: I don’t know how you have tried to deal with this in the past, but you must get this angry, misguided man into therapy. Is he so thick that he makes no connection between his punishing behavior and two estranged children? To have a parent tell a young child he is worthless and stupid, in my book, is grounds for a separation unless he gets professional help — and I’m not even sure anything can change his behavior. You cannot sacrifice your son’s mental health and emotional well-being on the altar of this insecure man’s twisted ideas about child-rearing. This is just a guess, but I infer that you are under his thumb, as well, and the whole situation sounds like a hellish way to live. If he refuses therapy, then you have some serious decisions to make. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I hope you make it "either-or," with the choices being either a shrink or a lawyer. Good luck. —- MARGO, UNWAVERINGLY

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered. To read more about Margo Howard, click here.

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172 Reader Comments (so far…) Sign In or Register to comment

I doubt that given the flood of mail she receives, and this isn’t an uncommon problem.

It is yet another eye-opener though of the hypocritical Right-Wingers who vote against programs that would help women leave abusive situations, and while they constantly bleat about responsibility, are also here arguing for the woman continuing with being a victim. Have never in my life met or encountered a Republican that isn’t a roaring hypocite.

By Suzanne de Cornelia on 04/26/2009 12:50 pm

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Suzanne,

I have no idea how many emails she receives from people looking for advice. All I know is that when I read the letters in her columns I get the very clear impression that they have been rewritten. They all seem to follow a standard "formula." The sentences flow in an orderly fashion and are concise [which I am sure the readers appreciate].

I personally do not know a woman alive who is opposed to funding programs that help abused women to leave their dismal home environments and start new lives. I believe that women are first and foremost FOR women’s causes, but somehow they lose sight of that importance when they’re looking at political candidates. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that so many other problems [e.g., taxes, war, illegal immigration] tend to overshadow domestic violence. I’m not saying it should be this way, but I think that’s the reality. I believe it’s up to ALL women, regardless of party affiliation, to make sure the government makes domestic violence a well-funded program instead of sitting on the sidelines. As for political parties: they ought to be put to rest. Let the best person, who best represents the majority of voters, win. As far as your never having met a Republican who isn’t a roaring hypocrite, I’m sure the same is said by Republicans of Democrats.

And now I must go back to what Margo calls my [ahem] "sheltered life." Oh, if she only knew. :-)

By Andrea Brandon on 04/26/2009 3:11 pm

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Andrea — I do clean up the grammar, sometimes, and edit the letters so that they read easily. I have no wish to embarrass a writer who cannot write well.

By Margo Howard on 04/26/2009 4:57 pm

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Margo,

Thankyou for your work. I love the fact that we have a voice when these stories stir some passion within us. The Internet has made your work more complex but hopefully more rewarding. Your response is always right on, we just like to elaborate on it…lol. Take care!

By belladora smith on 04/26/2009 7:24 pm

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LW1: Aint the human mind fantastic!? You’ve been with this guy for two years, and in the last six months you’ve started this fantasy about picturing him with another woman. Why? My guess is that you’ve hit a point in your relationship (I don’t see that you are married at this point?) where things are getting a little predictable. Use the fantastic human brain (just like you have been doing), but don’t bring anybody else in. I’m with Constance and Margo on this one: I’ve never participated in a threesome (and never even been asked! I don’t know what that says about ME, but I’m pretty sure the men I’ve been with know I’d be pretty vocal about NOT participating!) but the people I know who have with a long term partner haven’t kept that partner much longer. You don’t say if HE has suggested this. If he has, then this is a totally different kettle of fish, and one that is not good. If it is solely your fantasy, keep it in your head!

LW2: Very simple. What you are describing is verbal abuse. It is just as damaging (maybe more so) than physical abuse. As your son’s mother, it is your moral and legal duty to protect him from the abuse. I would leave this man as soon as possible.

Should you decide that you would like to make the marriage work you MUST make it a condition of reconcilliation that he attend ONGOING anger management and psychologocal counseling. Constantly monitor the situation and do not leave your son alone with him for long periods of time. Think about that: is that a life you want?

I would also NOW get your son into counseling and into activities such as karate that build confidence and teach self defense. He has had his little soul crushed, you have to help him build it back up.

Margo and the other posters have a point about YOU. I’m not going to be as harsh and call you toxic. What I am reading from your letter is a total lack of self-esteem and a woman who is living in fear. "I want to step in, but that causes a whole bunch of other problems." What other problems, honey? Does he turn on YOU? Does he start to beat up on YOU? Are you using your innocent son, who you obviously adore, as a SHIELD?

Then YOU need the therapy just as much as your husband. I’m feeling that he is abusing you and that you deeply regret your decision to marry this beast. That is why you must leave him. If you are afraid of being on your own for your own personal safety, then that is even more reason to leave him. Also, I would suggest you get as far away from him as possible. Two or three states would be good. Make it hard for him to get to you. Best of luck, but remember that even if you can’t do it for yourself, you owe it to your son to pull your head out of the sand and be a real mother.

By nanchan u on 04/24/2009 3:56 am

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LOVED your reply, Nanchan U!! Loved it. You addressed LW2’s problem without making her feel worse about the situation, which many posters didn’t do. I agree that this mom sounds scared and beaten herself. I’m not saying we WoW posters shouldn’t say what we’ve been saying (I posted something similar) but our voices need to be kinder to this woman who is already suffering unkind treatment. I know firsthand how the abuse of your child can rain down on a mother like physical pain. Great reply. Thanks.

By Oh! My Favorite on 04/24/2009 1:55 pm

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i always love nanchan’s replies. are you a therapist in your daily life nanchan? i swear you sure know what to say!!!

By Nancy Pea on 04/25/2009 12:52 am

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"but our voices need to be kinder to this woman who is already suffering unkind treatment. I know firsthand how the abuse of your child can rain down on a mother like physical pain. "

This adult woman has been in this relationship for 7 years. Unless she is tied up in the basement unable to escape she is participating in the lifelong damage of her son. And behaving like a classic ‘victim.’ If the child died or committed suicide as a result of all this abuse that his spineless mother is allowing to be heaped on him, then all of the rightwingers here would be calling for her imprisonment, or worse. No common sense/logic whatsoever.

By Suzanne de Cornelia on 04/26/2009 12:55 pm

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Dear Suzanne. My comment was directed to your complete lack of KINDNESS in your remarks, not the LOGIC of them, so try to stay focused, Darlin’. As you quoted me, you may remember that I said I know first hand how the abuse of your child can effect you as a mother. I removed my child from victimization because I didn’t view myself as a victim but that doesn’t seem to be THIS mother’s attitude. My comment was that we Wow Posters must be KIND in our advice to this writer. I read two of your UNKIND comments. And btw…who are you trying to kid? During the presidential campaign YOU were among the "right wingers", Suzanne! I remember ALL of your posts. You seem just a mean chick who’s had a hard life (maybe) and you have shown no respect or sympathy for anyone in any posting which I’ve seen you comment on. We must always be KIND, Suzanne Dear.

By Oh! My Favorite on 04/27/2009 8:50 am

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Lw2 I agree with everyone here. This is unexceptable. If you dont do anything else in this life you must protect your child. There are times when we dont see when our children are being hurt. But this is right before your eyes. Follow your heart (you have one your husband dosnt) and get this evil man out of your precious life. It will change your sons life forever if you dont.

By belladora smith on 04/24/2009 5:28 am

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Number 1 I don’t care. Whatever floats your boat.

Number 2 are you freaking kidding me? Maybe there was a good reason for all those miscarraiges!! LEAVE THAT LOSER. Really? It’s a blessing for that poor child to suffer humiliation every day of his life? That poor child. And she sounds like the epitome of a battered woman and most likely is. They both need to get into therapy ASAP but mostly this stupid bitch needs to get the kid away from that piece of crap she married!!

By Gail Frank on 04/24/2009 5:40 am

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this stupid bitch needs to get the kid away from that piece of crap she married!!

now why would you feel the need to say that she is a battered woman in one sentence, but a stupid bitch in another. if she is a battered woman she certainly needs a vote of confidence not nasty name calling. you don’t know her total situation, but you condemn her for asking for advice and help? that’s just wrong and you should be ashamed of yourself! what happened to the milk of human kindness? i guess it’s lost on you!

By Nancy Pea on 04/25/2009 12:59 am

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RIGHT ON! Thanks, Nanc.

By nanchan u on 04/25/2009 12:21 pm

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thanx nanchan, i could understand if the person just didn’t understand. but in her post she said the woman sounds abused. anybody dealing with abuse doesn’t need name calling. in fact in a board like this name calling is very immature and male. we are strong independant women that are striving to better ourselves daily, we do not need selfish BS like this here. it’s just uncalled for!

By Nancy Pea on 04/25/2009 2:04 pm

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Nancy (sweet!) Pea: forgive me for responding to you to make a few points about some of the other posts on this thread, once and for all.

I understand that we, as women, are as diverse a group as any. With over 50% of the planet’s population, we are the largest "minority" (??) group there is. We as women are all colors, all socio-economic groups, all religions, all political persuasions. We are all professions, we are all power levels.

We also hold the future of the human race in our very bodies. Science has been able to replicate many things but not the condition of the female womb. When we harness this power and control it (via choice in birth control methods, which I believe in with all of my heart soul and mind regardless of hateful posts about my "political" affiliations), we are beyond stoppable and a force to be reckoned with.

What has stopped us? I asked myself that for many years. Then, when I was in college, I moved to San Francisco. Many of my friends there were and are gay activists. When I would ask the guys I knew who were gay why there weren’t women involved in their cause, they would slam the lesbians. The lesbians would slam other lesbians and then slam the gay men.

Before you knew it, people who should have been united to work towards a common goal were so divided that they forgot their initial cause and focused on fighting each other. And their causes? Equality in rights (we don’t have to call it marriage) for partners (insurance, right to make decisions re: medical stuff, etc) has only really gained momentum in the last five years or so nationally. These have been battles the gay community has been fighting for for THIRTY PLUS YEARS!?

And how did they pull it together? They did JUST THAT! They pulled together. They realized that they were far more powerful as a force together, and stopped the petty squabbles and moved together to bring (inter)national attention to their cause.

Only when we as women do the same thing for each other, can we succeed as well. We get side tracked by this that and the other thing so much ("She’s a Republican!", "She is too cute!" all the petty name calling) that we forget that we have a cause to work towards. We have to EMPOWER women to WANT TO FIGHT for themselves! By bashing them down, we don’t do ourselves any favors.

Thanks for letting me vent here. It’s so frustrating at times… but I keep the eye on the main prize: the day when this type of letter won’t be an issue any more, when women feel they have the choice to leave (Suzanne: I said FEEL!) and when our daughters will look at this type of situation like we look at corsetts… torture we no longer have to endure!

By nanchan u on 04/25/2009 2:28 pm